Cúrre (
hownkai) wrote in
thisavrou_log2016-08-01 12:13 am
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Entry tags:
- *intro log,
- agents of shield: daisy johnson,
- all about j: j,
- bioshock: jack wynand,
- breaking bad: jesse pinkman,
- danger days killjoys: the girl,
- death note: l (crau),
- frozen: elsa,
- guilty gear: venom,
- mass effect: clone shepard,
- mass effect: nihlus kryik,
- mass effect: thane krios,
- mcu: james buchanan barnes,
- mcu: tony stark,
- mcu: wanda maximoff,
- metal gear: kazuhira miller,
- metal gear: liquid snake,
- metal gear: solid snake,
- metal gear: venom snake,
- mushishi: ginko,
- original character: adrien arbuckal,
- original character: alan varren,
- original character: andyr prince,
- overwatch: angela "mercy" ziegler,
- overwatch: fareeha "pharah" amari,
- overwatch: jesse mccree,
- overwatch: lúcio,
- overwatch: reinhardt wilhelm,
- overwatch: soldier 76,
- red vs blue: agent maine,
- red vs blue: agent texas,
- star trek aos: james t. kirk,
- star wars: luke skywalker,
- star wars: rey,
- the walking dead: carol peletier,
- the walking dead: daryl dixon (crau),
- transformers idw: ultra magnus,
- transformers mtmte: riptide,
- transformers mtmte: tailgate,
- tron: alan bradley,
- tron: yori (crau),
- uncharted: chloe frazer,
- uncharted: elena fisher,
- uncharted: nathan drake (crau),
- undertale: asriel dreemurr,
- undertale: mettaton,
- x-men movies: jean grey,
- x-men movies: peter maximoff
( august intro log )
Who: Everyone
When: August 1st and on
Where: The Moira
What: New “guests” join the crew on their journey and implement some changes.
Warnings: None for now. Please label your content!
( ooc; For questions, go here. Please comment to activity check to receive new ranks (if applicable)! )
When: August 1st and on
Where: The Moira
What: New “guests” join the crew on their journey and implement some changes.
Warnings: None for now. Please label your content!
I N T R O L O G |
"We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once."
|
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[No, he's not being contrary. Yes, it's a real question.
The delivery might be demanding, but the sentiment?
Ginko just tried to push Kaworu into a realm of thought just beyond his capabilities--a uniquely human territory where Angels cannot tread.
Or perhaps for them it's barren land; Angels are beings of a completed self, without the flaws and insecurities of human beings.
Either way. Where do you think Kaworu is going to find the capacity for that?]
no subject
I... I can't tell you that. S'not up to me.
But I guess you should probably just... act like you.
no subject
What if this is me?
[Have you considered that, Ginko?]
Maybe you were misled before, but I'm nothing but myself.
[It's not his fault if you're disappointed to find this is all there is.]
no subject
[He answers before thinking, then closes his mouth and glances away again.]
I mean, it's...
The way you were before. The last few times we talked, that... it felt more like it was you. This doesn't.
[He wishes he could believe that this is how Kaworu really is. It's closer to the way he was when they met, when he taught Ginko how to play piano and let him take his time, and when he was nice about it.
But Ginko can't believe that. Not anymore.]
Besides, you... it wouldn't make sense for you to be pretending before. Frisk said you had trouble talking to people without making them upset, and it caused a lot of problems. That was harder than acting like this, wasn't it?
no subject
There is no 'him.' It can only feel like the Kaworu that Ginko expects him to be. That Ginko wants to be real. The Kaworu that he tried to give Ginko and Frisk--even if they disliked him, they grew attached to him.
Isn't that what he was always meant to be? A ritual object designed to camouflage among humans.]
Wouldn't it?
You disliked it, but you're going to such effort for it now.
[He isn't blind to how much Ginko is struggling.
But it was like that with Shinji, too. He hated Kaworu's attempts to understand him, rejected his desperate bid for Shinji's attention--but it was his determined interest in Shinji and his desire for reciprocal feelings that grew a bond between them.
There's a very simple explanation for that, when you think about it.
Humans like it when you pay attention to them. They like it when they feel like someone is trying to understand them. He's starting to feel confused. But he's certain about that.]
no subject
Well... yeah. But you were... were trying to understand people better, weren't you? Even if you weren't very good at it.
Now, it kind of seems like you've just... given up. I... I might be wrong, but it seems a lot like you're just doing what you know will make people like you.
[Of course, it doesn't hurt Ginko's perception of the situation that this is a situation he's pretty familiar with himself. Doing what will keep people happy is safe, after all.
Or, at least, it seems like it should be.]
...It can't work forever.
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[So if he acts like he's trying, you dislike him.... but if he doesn't try, you tell him to go back to what you don't like?
There is a long, four or five second long silence.
Then his shoulders start to shake.
And he starts to snicker.
Then titter.
Then laugh.
He's laughing at you, Ginko.]
no subject
This... is unexpected. Ginko leans back a little, his shoulders hunching as he twists the fabric of his shirt in his hands. There's a cold feeling not totally unlike fear bunching up in his stomach. He tries as hard as he can to keep his breathing steady.]
Wh... what?
no subject
[Kaworu manages to curb his laughter long enough to reply--but instead of sounding mirthful, it's half declarative. And... maybe half accusatory?]
If I try to be human, you dislike me for it. But if I don't try to be human, you demand I go back to trying?
[His smile stays. But it isn't the usual easy smile most people see when they talk with Kaworu. It isn't the warm benevolent smile of understanding from the first time Kaworu met Ginko, either. It isn't even the cold, knowing smile that quite literally everybody who knows Kaworu hates so much.
It's just--well.]
It's irrational.
no subject
No, that's not-- I never disliked you. The... the things you said were... they hurt sometimes, but it didn't mean I disliked you for saying them.
But now...
[He shakes his head a little.] I know it's... it is. I know. But is this-- do you really think this is better?
no subject
[Oh.
That's what this is about.
Now he understands.
He smiles.]
What I do doesn't matter. What you'd call a "person"... in my case, it's merely an illusion.
no subject
He knows perfectly well at this point that Kaworu isn't human, as much as he may look like one. But...]
...What do you think I would call a person?
no subject
What separates a "person" from a living being? What separates human beings from the rest of what might be called "human?"
Is it free will? The ability to make choices? Or to choose one's own fate?
Or is it the ability to be someone. To possess identity, individuality, and have others recognise that self in you? ]
Mmmm.
[He glances aside. It's not often a topic is unpleasant or uncomfortable for Kaworu. But this one...]
...it's more than free will. Even animals have their own will.
[Even he has that. It's deeply precious to him--the one thing that truly belongs to him.
The power--even the right--to express his absolute freedom of will, to die of his own choice and meet the inevitability of his death as he wishes. If he has nothing else--and he does not--he will claim this one power as his own.
In doing so, he may give his life a meaning of his own choosing.
But he does not operate under the illusion that it makes him a person.]
To be a person, you must possess a self, and the ability to choose what that self may become.
no subject
...Why... can't you choose?
no subject
Kaworu, though...
He looks at Ginko a little strangely, then turns dismissive.]
It doesn't matter.
If the Ingress gets fixed, none of this will.
[He... smiles?]
no subject
...Well, of course. The Ingress being fixed means everyone goes home.
Some of them have more waiting for them there than others.
He manages to make himself speak after a couple seconds.]
...It will.
[It has to.]
Even if everything around you goes back to how it was, you'll... you'll still remember everything, right? 'N that could matter just on its own.
[If Kaworu can come to feel like he might have a choice in who he is... maybe he will.]
no subject
[Kaworu doesn't pause even a beat.
And he doesn't stop smiling, either. It's become a sort of warm, embracing smile, full of sincerity--and acceptance.]
But it is my hope that it will for you.
no subject
That last part mostly goes over his head, sinking in just enough to make that painful, despairing tightness in his chest even worse.]
But it... it could. How do you know it can't?
no subject
But then he smiles. Knowingly. Reassuringly.]
It's all right.
If the Ingress is fixed, everything will be fine.
[And if it's not...
...what is he supposed to do?]
... but time is a precious resource to me. In theory, I have it in an amount unlimited, unbounded by the finite experiences of present and future.
But it's not mine to choose how that time is allotted me, nor mine to choose the mechanism of my existence. If I'm being honest, I have to follow the script written for me, or I have no choices at all.
no subject
But he understands that, for whatever reason, Kaworu is pretty certain that he really doesn't have any choices.]
But how can that... that doesn't seem right. [Factually or ethically? Maybe both.] You... you can do so much. Why wouldn't you be able to make your own choices? It's not...
[He trails off, his mouth pressing into a thin line.]
This is so anime I stg.
[Are you ready for this, Ginko?]
i mean to be fair they are animes
[He definitely isn't ready. In fact, he kind of realizes he's not sure he's ready. But that doesn't mean he won't ask.]
You can tell by the white hair
[Morbid words--but the sincerity of his tone and purity of his smile might be enough contrast to recast them in a less terrible light.
He doesn't intend to impart a sense of fatalism, after all. It may be a single choice, but it is his.
Having that choice taken from him--
That is what he abhors about the Moira, the Ingress, and the captains.
His purpose--
His hope--
Of his choosing--]
no subject
[Dying?
For a second or two, Ginko is motionless, seemingly frozen as what Kaworu said sinks in. He might not even be breathing for those few moments.]
But... that's--
[He bites his lip, trying to force his breath not to catch or speed up, fighting against the tightness that's threatening to take over his chest all over again.]
It's...
That doesn't seem like much of a choice.
no subject
[Kaworu sounds so incredibly certain about this--almost to the point of appearing unaware of the impact he's having on Ginko. To him, it makes perfect sense. ]
In dying of my own will--as I wish to die--my life can be given meaning.
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'What I do doesn't matter.'
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