thisavrou_log | june intro log overflow

Mm.

[ It wouldn't be fair to say he's guessing after the conversation with Leia. He tries his ice cream — probably a fruit flavor, although not any fruit he can recall by name. ]

Mostly is... understandable.

I thought maybe you would want to talk about— [ His son? Obi-Wan doesn't feel right going straight to that point, even if his friend has always been fairly straightforward in his own right. He shoots Han an apologetic look, likely for being so transparent and unhelpful. ] —that you might need someone to listen for a while.

[Someone to listen. Han has never really been the talking type, and the last time he tried to open up a bit to someone who might be able to offer some perspective, he ended up sharing his concerns with Darth Vader. Sure, it's nice to be reassured you're probably not a terrible parent, but it means a little less in comparison, now.]

I don't think talking about it makes a difference.

[Mostly he's thinking about the situation with Vader-- a bigger betrayal for Leia than for him, of course-- but it's the same with Kylo Ren. Talking doesn't change anything. For a moment he casts about for anything to say, to change the topic, lingering over a bite of his ice cream and coming up with nothing.]

You can't answer any of my questions yet.

I'm not certain I'll ever be able to answer any of your questions — not as I am now. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be asked. [ A pause. ] I have my own questions, even if I doubt you'll be able to answer them yet yourself.

[ Kenobi understands better than he'd like, although he's hard pressed to say as much. He's worried none of them may have adequate answers ever again. ]

I dislike this turn of events. Everyone is in pain — more pain than any one of us deserves. [ After seeing the video of young Ben, he even fits Kylo Ren into that category. ]

[Getting angry about any of this when it's all said and done-- or won't be done for decades, but is equally unchangeable-- is entirely pointless. It doesn't actually stop him, though.

Fine, then, if he wants to listen Han will talk.]

Who gets to decide what any of us deserve? Luke deserved to know, and you kept it from him. Leia didn't deserve to lose her planet, her family-- to find herself--

[the words dry up. The anger he's got on her behalf feels unfair, almost, but damn it, learning she was Anakin's daughter had obviously meant so much to Leia, and now it just seems immeasurably cruel that anyone could have let that happen. Han is on the outskirts of this, in so many ways-- comparatively he takes his own torture in stride, blames Kylo Ren's fall on his own failings-- but it doesn't matter. He loves the twins, so he's mad as hell anyway.]

No one's gonna say anything to make it make sense.

[ This isn't the first anger that Kenobi's approached on this very subject. Having talked with Leia, he'd felt her righteous upset. When he'd talked with Luke, he'd felt the latent disappointment. Obi-Wan knows he has as much of this on his shoulders as there could be. He'd been the one to train Anakin, after all. ]

And you'd much rather ignore it? Allow it to speak for all of us?

[ He scoffs. ]

It seems everyone's already deciding what we deserve. What was arguably cohesive a month ago is in pieces now and if I didn't know better, I'd guess we all thought better of ourselves than to acknowledge we could be approaching this incorrectly.

[ Looking down at his ice cream, he realizes his appetite is suddenly gone and he discards the container in an entirely too wasteful manner. ]

I'm no liar now, Han Solo, but if I am to be the Ben Kenobi you remember, then I accept my part. If it was my own pain that forced me to keep information from Luke, then I was wrong, regardless of my feelings at the time.

Yeah? You tell me, what's the correct way to approach this?

[Because being really angry feels like the right response to him. Fruitless, maybe, but he can buy that there are some things which, once shattered, can't be repaired. Funnily, he'd said nearly as much to Anakin about his lack of a relationship with his son.

Shaking his head, he considers throwing his dessert away as well, electing to hold onto it only out of inexplicable stubbornness.]

You haven't seen the things he's done.

[ He doesn't quite expect the heat of his shame to creep up on him, but as he looks down at his empty hands, all he can wonder is what had possessed him to throw away something with such haste, with so little thought. The back of his throat burns with a sharp acidity that's bubbled up from deep down and as he tries to swallow it back down, Kenobi realizes he hasn't felt the urge to scream so fully and broadly since he'd watched his Master run through on Naboo.

When he responds, he holds a closed fist, hand clenched so tightly his knuckles turn white. ]

And neither have you.

[ A sharp, low, desperate whisper. Obi-Wan takes a breath through his nose because his teeth don't seem to want to come apart anymore. ]

No one seems to recall that the man here — the one being shunned — is a hero of the Republic a hundred times over. That he's sacrificed more for galactic peace than any Jedi before him.

Perhaps I can't define a correct approach, but I can spot an incorrect one from half a galaxy away.

[ Why can't anyone else? ]

Galactic peace?

[It is, maybe, the wrong tactic to have taken. There's a little part of Han that recognizes how this conversation is falling apart-- the two of them are coming at this from different directions, literally and temporally. Kenobi is a man defending his closest friend, there's no way to blame him for getting worked up. Whatever he might say about the Order and its stance on attachments, Han does understand where he's coming from.

But he also understand that the Republic is dead, that Ben Kenobi is dead, that the war is lost. Yeah, Anakin has sacrificed plenty-- his family, his principles, his soul, if there's any such thing.]

Sure, we've got peace, [he snaps back, the disgust palpable, thinking of the Empire and its immensity, it's immutability.] You're not wrong there. You should see it. Slavery's plenty peaceful, all you have to do is kill a handful of people now and then so the rest remember why they're working. Ask Kashyyyk what peace costs. Ask Alderaan. The Empire's real damn good at keeping order, and he's what they use to do it!

[It's not a bit fair of him, he knows. But if that's peace, then he doesn't want a thing to do with it.]

We can't just ignore all that. We're at war.

[ All at once, the gift that is the Force feels as if it's truly the great burden it has the potential to be. Han's emotions swirl unpleasantly in the Force, mingling with Obi-Wan's in a way that makes their individual pain seem not all that different.

And the worst part? The absolutely tragic part is that he can feel that Solo's not lying. That his heart screams with painful truths and there's no way to maintain his anger in light of that. He tries — as unbecoming as it is, he tries — but as with all things, it soon falls away and Kenobi returns to that feeling of sickness, of darkness etching at his bright core. He hasn't stopped feeling desperate for days. ]

What do you want? His pain? His suffering? You've gotten plenty of that. [ He shakes his head, disgusted in his own right, although more for the circumstances than anything else. ] I certainly haven't been cast aside, and I'm the one responsible for training him!

If there's to be any chance of fixing it, I need Anakin Skywalker. [ Kenobi holds back a shuddering breath, but only just. ] Not what's left of him — what he's forced to become. He'll tear himself apart like this... For them. For all of you. And then what?

[ And he's not even thinking temporally. ]

[For a criminal, Han is remarkably honest. Usually.]

I don't want a damn thing.

[And that's the truth, too. There's nothing Vader could do to make up for everything he's done, at this point-- and Han doesn't expect him to take the responsibility, exactly, he just knows this has to change everything. They can't ignore it, they can't carry on like Anakin Skywalker is just a war hero, just a lost father. He's the Emperor's fiercest enforcer.

More than that-- even if he could let go of it, he absolutely understands why Leia can't.]

He's the one who made his choices. I can't fix them for him.

[ Kenobi shakes his head slowly, disbelief crawling around him unpleasantly, clawing at what constitutes as his paper-thin resolve. He wants to yell — at Han, at the Collective, at circumstances in general — but he knows that's not going to serve any of them. ]

You've always been practical, Han. Listen to yourself. He hasn't made those choices, but he's not running from this. He's accepting it and it's killing him.

[ He can feel his fists tightening in desperation. ]

Would Vader feel that way? Would it be destroying him?

[As much as he wants to counter that-- and he does, desperately, his stubbornness and agitation far outstripping his capacity to be reasonable about this-- there's little he can say about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, he thinks, but he's smart enough-- just barely-- not to give voice to that. And, truly, the traitorous reminder that Anakin as he is now has done nothing, has been kind, has made Leia so happy to know-- until she knew-- wishing him dead here and now feels unfair, petty. It doesn't entirely dispel his anger, just complicates it, leaving everything in a big, ugly, useless knot.]

How can you forgive him?

[Changing tack is his only option, and it's a poor one. Of course Obi-Wan forgives Anakin, it's just how he is. And maybe he doesn't know all the fine details on how this ends.

But even if he did...

That raises questions Han isn't sure he's ready to confront yet.]

[ It isn't quite relief that he feels, but the sudden change — that small glimmer of hope he feels at seeing the warring thoughts playing across Solo's face — is as important to him as any of his most celebrated victories to date. ]

How can I not? [ Austerity at its best, sincerity beyond measure, sorrow at the heart of him. ] He's been by my side since he was a boy. I have seen him survive loss after loss and— [ —never once has he ever given in to the desperation we all feel in the face of that, is what he wants to say, but that's not entirely the truth, is it? ]

He has never let me down. And he won't. [ Obi-Wan feels certain of that, but there's still a hitch here where Kenobi is forced to reel in his emotions. His hand rests over his heart for just a moment. ] As long as I live, I will fight for that man as he's fought for the galaxy. Especially now, when so much is at stake.

[ When he reaches out, it's to place his hand on Han's shoulder. No hard feelings, right? Except every feeling is hard when you're not used to feeling them like this. ]

For him, for his children, for your children. For you. I'll do what I must to save this family, even if I cannot divorce it of the pain its already suffered.

You don't know.

[The repetition lacks the force of his first declaration; it's not a lament, not quite, but it's clear a lot of the fire has gone from his anger. Ben can't know-- not talking like that-- can't have learned all the truth, exactly how far Anakin will fall, how betrayed he'll be.

We have that in common, he finds himself thinking, though like hell is he gonna be the one to break the news if no one else has. It's the perspective they don't share; Han doesn't know what good times might be ahead or what he'll do to earn the anger and hatred in Kylo Ren's eyes; he only knows the facts, the end of it, the fate he's going to face. Maybe it will come as a surprise to him, too-- that the son he raised will betray him.]

I don't think I'm the guy to fix this.

[His family track record is pretty damn terrible, apparently, a fact that's only driven home by the Jedi's emphasis. It's too late, far too late.]

[ It isn't hard to guess. It isn't. Having visited the temple in the aftermath of Darth Vader's introduction to the Republic, Obi-Wan is fairly well educated on the abject horror wrought by the Dark Side's newest pawn. Having seen his friends — his family, and the only one he's known before now — slaughtered in the hallways of the Jedi Temple had painted quite a vivid picture.

The difference, of course, is that undeniable divide. For Obi-Wan, there's still hope to avoid this future. For a lot of them, that hasn't been an option for nearly twenty years.

He frowns and for a moment Kenobi feels as lost as he looks. There isn't always a way to hide it. ]

I'm not certain I'm the one to fix it, either. But if it means I have to die trying, then so be it.

[ Perhaps that's even what really happened. Without someone to fill in the rest of the details, it's all Kenobi can assume. ]

[Thinking back on Ben's death, Han isn't even sure you could call it that-- if there was any attempt, it passed him right by. Just a battle of wills and light sabers. Someday, maybe, Obi-Wan will lose faith in his friend.

He hasn't yet, but he will, and he'll lie to Luke, and he'll be cut down.]

I think I'd rather survive.

[But he won't, either.]

People don't come back from that. That's what he said.

[It's most definitely not what Anakin said, but unfortunately Han isn't feeling charitable. Either way there's not a lot of reason to hope.]

[ While he doesn't directly sense any kind of deception — mostly because he isn't looking for it — the sharp edge of Han's words strikes home the depth of Solo's hurt. Any excuse he can find, he'll use. Even if it's a twisted sentiment that only has a basis among those that find it convenient to say so. ]

That's what he's been told.

[ Kenobi doesn't trust that to be true anymore. He can't. Not if he wants Anakin back. And in light of more recent events — Asajj comes to mind — Obi-Wan realizes there is hope. A thin sliver, but hope nonetheless. ]

Han. [ Said with a sigh. ] It wasn't my intention to have this conversation with you today. The wound is still fresh, so to speak, and I've let my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry.

[ Neither one of them are all that good at playing the bad guy, so to speak. They're two good guys scrambling to hold on to what little they've managed to gain in a pretty messed up galaxy. And neither of them are right for holding on so hard, or wrong for being outraged the other might do just that. Both are loyal and fierce about it. Both are a little bit lost, too. Not so different.

Realistically, it's something they all share, whether they've been born into this saga or drawn into it. ]

I'll leave you to your shopping. [ He dips his head, somehow humbled and hurt, his flame now burning low. It's so easy to forget they're all still people under all that shielding. ] But if you need anything, I urge you to reach out to me. I'll be here.

[It is, in fact, what Anakin has been told-- which in any other circumstance would make it suspect in Han's eyes. The rigid stances of the Jedi order rub him the wrong way, and perhaps it's as ridiculous to imagine that no one could come back from that as it is to think men should-- or could-- live without attachments.

More or less, he manages not to sulk at the reproach, turning a somewhat wary eye on the other man as he apologizes. The whole thing would seem less ridiculous if he didn't have ice cream melting over his fingers.]

Right.

[He won't say that he will or he won't, but at least he's not saying never.]

june intro log overflow

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I'M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE oTL Forgive me? <3

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