thisavrou_log | june intro log overflow

[ All at once, the gift that is the Force feels as if it's truly the great burden it has the potential to be. Han's emotions swirl unpleasantly in the Force, mingling with Obi-Wan's in a way that makes their individual pain seem not all that different.

And the worst part? The absolutely tragic part is that he can feel that Solo's not lying. That his heart screams with painful truths and there's no way to maintain his anger in light of that. He tries — as unbecoming as it is, he tries — but as with all things, it soon falls away and Kenobi returns to that feeling of sickness, of darkness etching at his bright core. He hasn't stopped feeling desperate for days. ]

What do you want? His pain? His suffering? You've gotten plenty of that. [ He shakes his head, disgusted in his own right, although more for the circumstances than anything else. ] I certainly haven't been cast aside, and I'm the one responsible for training him!

If there's to be any chance of fixing it, I need Anakin Skywalker. [ Kenobi holds back a shuddering breath, but only just. ] Not what's left of him — what he's forced to become. He'll tear himself apart like this... For them. For all of you. And then what?

[ And he's not even thinking temporally. ]

[For a criminal, Han is remarkably honest. Usually.]

I don't want a damn thing.

[And that's the truth, too. There's nothing Vader could do to make up for everything he's done, at this point-- and Han doesn't expect him to take the responsibility, exactly, he just knows this has to change everything. They can't ignore it, they can't carry on like Anakin Skywalker is just a war hero, just a lost father. He's the Emperor's fiercest enforcer.

More than that-- even if he could let go of it, he absolutely understands why Leia can't.]

He's the one who made his choices. I can't fix them for him.

[ Kenobi shakes his head slowly, disbelief crawling around him unpleasantly, clawing at what constitutes as his paper-thin resolve. He wants to yell — at Han, at the Collective, at circumstances in general — but he knows that's not going to serve any of them. ]

You've always been practical, Han. Listen to yourself. He hasn't made those choices, but he's not running from this. He's accepting it and it's killing him.

[ He can feel his fists tightening in desperation. ]

Would Vader feel that way? Would it be destroying him?

[As much as he wants to counter that-- and he does, desperately, his stubbornness and agitation far outstripping his capacity to be reasonable about this-- there's little he can say about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, he thinks, but he's smart enough-- just barely-- not to give voice to that. And, truly, the traitorous reminder that Anakin as he is now has done nothing, has been kind, has made Leia so happy to know-- until she knew-- wishing him dead here and now feels unfair, petty. It doesn't entirely dispel his anger, just complicates it, leaving everything in a big, ugly, useless knot.]

How can you forgive him?

[Changing tack is his only option, and it's a poor one. Of course Obi-Wan forgives Anakin, it's just how he is. And maybe he doesn't know all the fine details on how this ends.

But even if he did...

That raises questions Han isn't sure he's ready to confront yet.]

[ It isn't quite relief that he feels, but the sudden change — that small glimmer of hope he feels at seeing the warring thoughts playing across Solo's face — is as important to him as any of his most celebrated victories to date. ]

How can I not? [ Austerity at its best, sincerity beyond measure, sorrow at the heart of him. ] He's been by my side since he was a boy. I have seen him survive loss after loss and— [ —never once has he ever given in to the desperation we all feel in the face of that, is what he wants to say, but that's not entirely the truth, is it? ]

He has never let me down. And he won't. [ Obi-Wan feels certain of that, but there's still a hitch here where Kenobi is forced to reel in his emotions. His hand rests over his heart for just a moment. ] As long as I live, I will fight for that man as he's fought for the galaxy. Especially now, when so much is at stake.

[ When he reaches out, it's to place his hand on Han's shoulder. No hard feelings, right? Except every feeling is hard when you're not used to feeling them like this. ]

For him, for his children, for your children. For you. I'll do what I must to save this family, even if I cannot divorce it of the pain its already suffered.

You don't know.

[The repetition lacks the force of his first declaration; it's not a lament, not quite, but it's clear a lot of the fire has gone from his anger. Ben can't know-- not talking like that-- can't have learned all the truth, exactly how far Anakin will fall, how betrayed he'll be.

We have that in common, he finds himself thinking, though like hell is he gonna be the one to break the news if no one else has. It's the perspective they don't share; Han doesn't know what good times might be ahead or what he'll do to earn the anger and hatred in Kylo Ren's eyes; he only knows the facts, the end of it, the fate he's going to face. Maybe it will come as a surprise to him, too-- that the son he raised will betray him.]

I don't think I'm the guy to fix this.

[His family track record is pretty damn terrible, apparently, a fact that's only driven home by the Jedi's emphasis. It's too late, far too late.]

[ It isn't hard to guess. It isn't. Having visited the temple in the aftermath of Darth Vader's introduction to the Republic, Obi-Wan is fairly well educated on the abject horror wrought by the Dark Side's newest pawn. Having seen his friends — his family, and the only one he's known before now — slaughtered in the hallways of the Jedi Temple had painted quite a vivid picture.

The difference, of course, is that undeniable divide. For Obi-Wan, there's still hope to avoid this future. For a lot of them, that hasn't been an option for nearly twenty years.

He frowns and for a moment Kenobi feels as lost as he looks. There isn't always a way to hide it. ]

I'm not certain I'm the one to fix it, either. But if it means I have to die trying, then so be it.

[ Perhaps that's even what really happened. Without someone to fill in the rest of the details, it's all Kenobi can assume. ]

[Thinking back on Ben's death, Han isn't even sure you could call it that-- if there was any attempt, it passed him right by. Just a battle of wills and light sabers. Someday, maybe, Obi-Wan will lose faith in his friend.

He hasn't yet, but he will, and he'll lie to Luke, and he'll be cut down.]

I think I'd rather survive.

[But he won't, either.]

People don't come back from that. That's what he said.

[It's most definitely not what Anakin said, but unfortunately Han isn't feeling charitable. Either way there's not a lot of reason to hope.]

[ While he doesn't directly sense any kind of deception — mostly because he isn't looking for it — the sharp edge of Han's words strikes home the depth of Solo's hurt. Any excuse he can find, he'll use. Even if it's a twisted sentiment that only has a basis among those that find it convenient to say so. ]

That's what he's been told.

[ Kenobi doesn't trust that to be true anymore. He can't. Not if he wants Anakin back. And in light of more recent events — Asajj comes to mind — Obi-Wan realizes there is hope. A thin sliver, but hope nonetheless. ]

Han. [ Said with a sigh. ] It wasn't my intention to have this conversation with you today. The wound is still fresh, so to speak, and I've let my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry.

[ Neither one of them are all that good at playing the bad guy, so to speak. They're two good guys scrambling to hold on to what little they've managed to gain in a pretty messed up galaxy. And neither of them are right for holding on so hard, or wrong for being outraged the other might do just that. Both are loyal and fierce about it. Both are a little bit lost, too. Not so different.

Realistically, it's something they all share, whether they've been born into this saga or drawn into it. ]

I'll leave you to your shopping. [ He dips his head, somehow humbled and hurt, his flame now burning low. It's so easy to forget they're all still people under all that shielding. ] But if you need anything, I urge you to reach out to me. I'll be here.

[It is, in fact, what Anakin has been told-- which in any other circumstance would make it suspect in Han's eyes. The rigid stances of the Jedi order rub him the wrong way, and perhaps it's as ridiculous to imagine that no one could come back from that as it is to think men should-- or could-- live without attachments.

More or less, he manages not to sulk at the reproach, turning a somewhat wary eye on the other man as he apologizes. The whole thing would seem less ridiculous if he didn't have ice cream melting over his fingers.]

Right.

[He won't say that he will or he won't, but at least he's not saying never.]

june intro log overflow

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