thisavrou_log | [semi-open] girlfriend in a coma i know

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[semi-open] girlfriend in a coma i know

Who: Lavellan and anybody inclined to come yell at him
When: Mid-September to just before the final part of the event
Where: Adrien's clinic
What: Some idiot (read: this guy) got himself almost killed by the Savrii after failing to prevent Chara from being captured; this is for anybody who might want to slap him after the fact
Warnings: Uh, probable mentions of serious injury and/or Savrii mindfuck

[ 01. earlier ]

[Immediately after being stabilized, he's not really one for conversation. But there are some people who might need to talk to him sooner rather than later. He might be able to focus long enough for that, at least.

He'll be lying on a cot, pale and half-asleep, when you walk in; but he looks as healthy as he could be, relatively speaking. Adrien does good work.

Depending on how soon you're visiting, he may or may not have a dick drawn on his forehead. Apparently he hasn't noticed it.]

[ 02. later ]

[So Lavellan doesn't know much about guns on the best of days, but here's something everyone neglected to tell him: getting shot fucking sucks.

He's been here a week and he's still nowhere near recovered. He misses alchemists; healing never took this long in Thedas. If he even moves wrong he gets sharp, excruciating pain shooting up his abdomen. He can't fight like this. He can't do anything like this.

It's bullshit, and he's grumpy about it. Which is why he's on his feet and preparing to pack it up way sooner than he should be.

Maybe you run into him while he's on the way out.]

[ 03. whenever ]

[Requisite wildcard option! My plurk is listen.]

[ closed to adrien ]

[He's grateful for the soup, really. He's just also kind of sick of soup.

He knows Adrien is just doing his job. He does. But he is seriously about to go stir crazy if he has to just sit here for a moment longer. He hates not being able to move, just having to sit here and take it easy while the world goes to hell outside. He ends up just pushing the bowl away from him, having hardly eaten any of it.]

How long did you say I'd have to stay here, again?

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[Considering Sideswipe couldn't fit in any buildings, and has no idea Lavellan is even there, it's pure chance he's outside the building when the elf is trying to leave.]

[Idling outside, trying his best to look inconspicuous.]

[But if anyone knows him, it's probably obvious who he is. Or what he is.]

I didn't.

[ Adrien said, in a flat tone as he worked on inputting some data on a pad of some sort. ]

I advised that you would be best served to rest for at least three days until we can stabilize your blood volume against what you lost.

I advised that you have bleeders tied off with knitting and hope that will require at least two weeks before the flesh forms a proper scar and the risk of re-opening the wound reduces significantly.

[Sideswipe is the last person he's expecting to see once he leaves, and he stumbles in surprise once he does. Even that threatens to undo all his recovery; not for the first time he tries to convince himself that this is a very bad idea and fails.]

S-Sideswipe.

[He has to take a moment to catch his breath, and wait for the pain to stop spiking through his side.]

What--what are you doing here?

[There is something about Adrien's frankness that Lavellan appreciates.]

Are you saying that if I want to leave, you won't stop me?

[Even if he's only been there, like, five days.]

[Honestly, Lavellan is the last person Sideswipe expects to see anywhere. Especially after... the entire Shadow Thing. He rocks on his wheels a little, like someone looking for a hasty exit. For all the good it's going to do a bright red sportscar.]

[So, in that moment of startled panic, he does the first thing that comes to mind.]

[Something Stupid.]

I'm. Not Sideswipe! I'm just an ordinary car rented by someone in that building!

[ Adrien paused and then finished his note, before he turned his full attention on Lavellan. ]

Why would I stop you? This isn't a prison and I'm not your parent.

From a professional standpoint all I am allowed to do is advise you of the risks you take and give you the symptoms to be alert for as they may be life threatening.

What you do with that information is entirely up to you.

[ He paused and arched one eyebrow. ]

Though I would point out that in taking an unnecessary risk like that, you'll be upsetting your friends and for widely ineffectual reasons. So I may ask you ... why would do that?

[Lavellan, somehow, manages to draw himself up into an expression of stern disbelief.]

I admit I don't know much about technology, but I'm very certain most cars don't talk.

[And of the ones he knows that can... well, Sideswipe is the only one he knows that can.]

[That's new, and actually somewhat appreciated. He's used to being yelled at by surgeons to stay put.

Still, though, he simply looks down at his soup listlessly.]

I made a mistake that I have to fix.

And compounding that mistake by releasing yourself AMA to go ... what, exactly?

[ Adrien leaned back against the counter and watched the man in the bed. ]

You are currently held together by what could charitably be called dental floss and my expert needlepoint. You were brought here with a dangerous volume of blood loss, which despite that bag hanging over you head, your body will take days to weeks to replenish.

Additionally, in order to stabilize your life, J was forced to perform an emergency procedures under less than sterile conditions, which means you are a high risk for a post op secondary infection that would love to go systemic.

While you remain here, attached to that [ he pointed to the lactate ringer ] I can pump you full of the antibiotics you need to avoid the particular complication and help increase your blood volume, raise your blood pressure and pulse ox numbers. If you insist on taking yourself off the IV, the best I can do is hurl a bottle of less effective oral antibiotics at your head as you walk out the door.

Whether you take them or not is completely up to you.

So in short, you will risk tearing your sutures, causing yourself a massive internal and probable external bleed, in addition to courting a debilitating infection. At best you will cause your friends the pain of more worry over your safety, and at worse you will drive yourself into the ground at a time and place that will require your friends to risk their lives to get you to safety.

[ He's not and never has been Dr. Feel Good. ]

And don't try telling me that you'll do this without their knowledge. I know some of these people and have the utmost confidence in the fact that they will get themselves killed to protect a friend, and that ... would be you.

You want to go out that door, say the word and I'll unhook your IV and get you your underwear. But know that you're going to end up flat on your face and whatever mistake you believe you've made, you're going to compound it.

[Lavellan can only wince, the longer Adrien goes on. He doesn't understand half of what the man is saying, but he gets the gist: as much as he might hate otherwise, pushing it would probably be a fatal mistake.

The question isn't how much that matters to him--it doesn't--but how much patience he has for other people trying to tell him it does. Healing never used to take this long. Not for the first time, he wishes magic was as prevalent here as it is back home.

He's silent for a moment as Adrien finishes, both to collect his thoughts and because it hurts to move too much.]

You don't understand.

[Actually, he probably does, but don't let that keep Lavellan from being dramatic.]

I left someone behind. What's happening to them now is worse than dying. [His hands clench into fists, the knuckles white.] I can't just sit here, knowing that's my fault.

It would be a small price to pay to make that right.

It's. Special! New feature...! All the cars are doing it.

[Maybe Lavellan won't call him on this? Maybe this will just. Slide on by and he can gently coast out of the way. He has no idea where they stand anymore, after all. Maybe he won't even be wanted.]

[ I'm what he really thinks of you.]

[Right?]

I... think I gotta go.

A small price. [ Adrien repeated pensively, before he gave a small nod. ] That's guilt talking and it's not an accurate reflection of balance.

Because it won't be a small price, will it? You're feeling guilty right now for a mistake you made. [ It was an assumption of course, but Adrien felt pretty secure in it, given what he's seen. ] And you should, because that is how life works.

[ No, no ... don't everybody applaud his bedside manner at once here. ]

Mistakes are hard. They sit in your chest, just at the base of your throat and they want to choke you. They whisper in your ear, until you can't hear anything else and all you want to do, is run ... and make it stop.

[ Yeah he may have some experience in this. ]

But mistakes are pack hunters and if you run, they will chase you and the worst part about it? They don't care about catching up with you. They'll take out collateral damage, just as easily.

So you say it would be a small price to pay? Is that the value you place on your friends and the people who will chase after you if you try to be noble and stupid about this?

Because I said I wouldn't try to stop you and I won't. But you walk out the door or I come in here and find you missing? My first call is to Shepard.

Wait.

[Lavellan manages to straighten up, slowly, not bothering to mask the pleading in his tone. There's no way he would be able to stop Sideswipe from leaving in his condition, so words is all he has.]

Don't leave. Please. Can we talk?

[He hasn't missed how jumpy Sideswipe has been around him, and how long they've gone without any contact. He's a little scared to learn why, but...]

[That does shut him up for a good few seconds, because Lavellan doesn't doubt Adrien would make good on his threat--and he doesn't doubt that Shepard would go after him as a result. That's the kind of person Shepard is: someone who cares about the well-being of everyone, and will go out of her way to preserve it. Regardless of who they are. He could be anyone, really, and it wouldn't matter.]

She doesn't have to know.

[Some voice at the back of his mind is mocking him. Is this really what he's trying to argue? Anyone can see he's useless like this. But he continues.]

Listen to me. I ran. Like a coward. ["Like." His voice is already cracking.] Don't you get it? It should have been me in the first place.

[He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes. His hands are shaking. When are they not, these days?]

If I die getting them out, then it's just what should have happened already. It won't last, anyway. [Death isn't permanent. But memories persist. And the violation of those memories will persist even through death. That's something he knows from experience.

It's too late for him, but Chara might could still be spared that.]

And you can't ruin something twice.

If it should have been you in the first place then maybe you shouldn't have been where you didn't belong. [ He ruthlessly smashes down on the fact that he gets 'it' in an infinite number of ways. ]

Your logic is that if you die it won't matter because you'll come back. [ He said, not really a question. ] You really are dumb as a post.

[ The language is direct but surprisingly without any emotional heat. ]

It has always "not lasted" at the sufferance of Savrii technology. That is technology that we are now cut off from, at least in terms of a death and resurgence. In order for you to "come back" your body would have to be retrieved by the Savrii and then it would be up to them.

You really think Shepard's going to let that happen?

Oh and if you don't think you can't ruin something twice? Then you're just getting started on the level of monumental fucking up you'll discover yourself capable of. Trust me, I speak from experience.

[All of a sudden, the tension just drains out of him, but what it leaves behind isn't peace or calm. It's numbness. The same thing that always happens when he's on the edge of losing it entirely: dial it back. Repress. Smooth over the cracks. Most people will never know the difference.]

That's exactly what I mean, actually. I ran because I was afraid of them doing--of it happening again. Because I--because I already--

["Because I'm already damaged." That's exactly why it should have been him instead. He's what's already been ruined.]

And instead I just left them to the same fate. I don't deserve to be here.

[And then the pleading returns, and he can't look Adrien in the eyes.] She doesn't have to know. You don't have to tell her.

Oh for Fates' fuck sakes. [ Adrien said sharply. ] Grow up.

[ He stepped towards the end of the bed, leaning on the railing. ]

You think you're the first sentient being to experience the flight aspect of the fight of flight response that is hardwired in all of us? Newsflash, you're not. It takes training and exposure and experience to be able to hold the line when shit goes pear shaped in a spectacular fashion.

And that is exactly what has happened here, to ALL.OF.US.

[ He paused, doing his best to hold the other's eyes. ]

Being prepared for a shit show like this, from having our minds scrambled to the threat of death, no one should have to be prepared for something like this.

So you broke. It happens, even to those who are prepared. You had someone at your back and they stepped in to help you, because that's how this works. Now you have friends who are relying on you to get put back together, learn from what happened and be ready to have their backs when they need you.

What they don't need is for you to go off on some self-involved, misguided, guilt ridden one man crusade that is going to end up with you flat on your ass and in need of rescue; again.

[ He paused and pulled out his TAB. ]

You want me to unhook the IVs? No problem. But don't even try to fool yourself about why you're doing this. You broke on the line. That's forgivable and it happens to all of us. But this? This is a conscious decision on your part to put your friends in danger, and it's coming from a place of trying to absolve yourself for a guilt that isn't yours in the first place.

It belongs to the Intermediaries. No one else.

[His shoulders slump. He doesn't say so, but he knows he's lost the argument. And yet...]

It's not forgivable when it's a child that has to suffer for it.

[But that's not even the real problem. The crux of it is: he does have training. He does have exposure and experience, and yet he's never caved the way he did during that fight. He has no idea why it's this that's affecting him so badly. And yet the thought of going back, of going through it again, makes something cold and ugly settle in the pit of his stomach.

And if he's still this frightened of it, it's even less acceptable to just sit and let it happen to Chara.

He hates all this. The understanding, the forgiveness, even from people like Adrien who aren't polite about it. In a way they're even worse, because they can't be argued with. They can't be convinced. But they should hate him. Why doesn't anyone hate him?

No one's managed to answer that question. But he's tired of fighting it, so he won't. For now.]

You can put that away. I won't go anywhere.

[ Adrien was very good at taking mortal blows without flinching. The only give in his expression was a quick blink, and of all things, an upward tilt of one side of his mouth.

Easily passed off at being pleased that his patient was promising to behave. For the moment at least.

The doctor looked down at his TAB and began to type. After a couple of minutes he spun the TAB around so that Levellan could see both the recipient [ Commander Shepard ] and the message. ]

Your idiot is releasing himself AMA.

Courser and I will cover him the length of the orchard, but beyond that point he'll be exposed and on his own. So if you have anyone in the area, might want to divert them this way.

[ There will be a pause and then an upload of medical details. Fuck HIPAA. It speaks to the initial injuries, what was done for first aid by J and then Adrien's follow-up treatment, stitching and how much blood Lavellan has had to this point. ]

He's going to be at a high risk of ripping those stitches. You'll want to secure plasma at least, a saline lactated ringer will also work. The risk of infection is going to be extreme. ]

I come out here at any point and find you gone, I hit send. And before you believe sneaking away will be successful, Courser will let you pass but he will alert me, and I will hit send.

[ Turning the TAB back around, Adrien made sure that there was water within reach, but he moved to take away the half touched soup. ]

[He doesn't read the message so much as stare blankly at the TAB until Adrien pulls it away. He gets the point, though.]

I said I wouldn't go anywhere.

[And he means it. For now, at least.

He just watches dully as Adrien removes the soup--he wasn't going to eat it, anyway--feeling useless, and listless, and pathetic. He almost considers just going to sleep, but after a few moments, the question blurts out of him.]

Why do you care what I do?

[His engine had started up. He'd almost pulled away. But... can we talk makes him freeze. If it were possible for a car to look anxious, this one sure does.]

[But at length, it sags on its wheels.]

Yeah. Okay dude. Whatever you wanna do.

[This is probably when the other shoe drops. The rest of the rug gets pulled from under him. The "It's You Not Me" speech in reprise.]

[ Caught in the middle of packing up a few other items to take with him back into the other part of the house, Adrien paused and glanced over his shoulder. ]

I make it a point not to answer asinine questions.

It's a waste of your time and mine.

[Lavellan sits down next to Sideswipe very carefully, wincing as he goes. What a surprise, Adrien was right: he really shouldn't be out here right now. But he is, and he can't run away from this conversation now that it's started.

He just hopes Sideswipe will feel the same.

It takes him a moment to catch his breath, but...]

Why have you been avoiding me?

[Lavellan just rolls his eyes in an exaggerated fashion, just to ensure Adrien sees it.]

Don't give me that. You obviously don't care much about my health, or you wouldn't even be considering letting me leave. [Especially not in his condition, he'll admit in his head but not out loud.]

So why bother at all?

[He doesn't answer. Or move. For a good minute, he's just trying to process that question. Shouldn't Lavellan know the answer? Shouldn't he just... know?]

[Finally, the car twitches, and transforms. It ends with Sideswipe sitting in the middle of the road. Which probably isn't the best idea, given everything that's happening.]

'Cause. [Wow. Much words. Very insightful.] 'Cause you think I'm a big stupid failure like ... oh, I dunno, everybody else?

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[semi-open] girlfriend in a coma i know

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