dirth: (we drew was hallelujah)
solas. ([personal profile] dirth) wrote in [community profile] thisavrou_log2017-07-04 09:40 pm
Entry tags:

i've seen this room

Who: Solas, Cole and open to others!
When: Throughout July
Where: Elfhaus, R3
What: General catch all for the house in July!
Warnings: N/A atm
[ The house has been mostly barren and empty for the last few weeks; since his and Lavellan's argument Solas has done his best to avoid haunting his room and the lounge, only coming back on the rare chance that he might somehow run into Cole. All their conversations have been difficult, rough and damaging for his mind and his thoughts, but there is very little that would keep him away from the once-spirit now.

He wants nothing more than to be there, to have Cole at his side, welcoming the boy as he had done in Thedas - as he had been, once, the only one capable of understanding the nature of Cole and the way his thoughts work.

It is not so, now. He's aware of that, much to his own frustration. Solas feels adrift, on edge, and does not know how to make do with himself.

More than anything he finds that he is rather bored.

The door to the house is often left open to let the air in and the cold of the season does not do much to bother the elf that sits inside. He is more than capable of summoning his own fire to keep him warm and he often sits, his eyes glowing in the dark, drawing and sketching to that firelight. He has nothing better to do other than to read, and even he needs a break from it. There is little about returning home and he is doing all that he can to understand the science of this world, as fruitless as it seems.

It has been a long time since he has felt loneliness, but it creeps in all the same. ]
seity: (Default)

the dream of life [pre-plot]

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-04 11:31 pm (UTC)(link)
[ There were many experiences he was gaining very quickly here, so quickly in fact they were aggressively crowding out everything he had known before. Not in the sense of amnesia— he hadn't forgotten— but pleasures once important to him had fallen by the wayside. How long had it been since he studied a flower? Got lost in the breeze? Most of his days now are spent hanging around the Ingress, helping new arrivals to be safely on their way.

He hardly dreams.

And that too is strange. Tonight, he wonders if Solas still dreams even with the Fade so weak here. Has he seen the hidden mysteries here as well? Could he still walk in the in between places? Cole's nights end in shut eyes and his mornings begin in open ones. If there is anything but darkness between the two moments he doesn't know.

When he returns to the house, he lingers near Solas, clingy in how he doesn't want to leave his side. He watches him paint for hours, silent. But when it seems Solas is getting ready to call it a night, he finally asks:]

Do you still dream?
seity: (a rebel with a bullet in his chest)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-07 04:33 am (UTC)(link)
[ Cole doesn't pause before taking Solas's hand, his fingers quite comfortable twining in with his own. He comes closer to him, turns slightly to look at the texture of the paint drying fresh. There's something roiling between them he doesn't quite understand. It's a complexity that can exist between two people that is hard for him to grasp. He knows he doesn't spend as much time here as he used to; he knows that something keeps him away. But what? The wells of his forgiveness had always provided sweetly and generously. Solas wasn't the man who killed him— he had no reason to hold onto anything in his chest.

Still, he stays away, doesn't know why. ]

What is it like?

[A little embarrassed, nervous]

I don't dream any more.
seity: (not meant to be)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-13 05:25 am (UTC)(link)
[ He lets silence well up between them, not at all uncomfortable as it fills up every space. He's sorting out his feelings one-by-one from the jumbled pile they're in. He knows what he wants to express, but no words put into any order seem to be good enough. Cole lets himself go at it at a slow pace, knowing that Solas will always wait for him. As always, he marvels at the difference of texture between their palms. Feeling it is soothing; there are tiny tears in their shared tapestry he can't see, but the fact of their hands together as they always have repairs the threads just the same.

Finally, and heavy with conflicted grief:]

The Fade was my home. Everything made sense there.

[The last time he had been to the Fade, it had created a desperate panic that Solas had soothed him out of. Torn between two places had stretched him thin, but he had chosen now, and no longer had that fear of a choice being made for him. But he wasn't always sure it was right. Or what would make him happiest.]

I don't... regret what I've done, I. [An empty space where another thought would have been. Mouth twists into a frown.]

It would be good to see it again as I know it.
seity: (i had dreams of growing tall)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-13 10:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[This too he lets settle into the air. Would it just hurt more to be there again, or would it make him happy? He knows that memory is very strange, can make you think things were one thing when really they were the other. But it would be better to know than to fear.

And Solas is right. If he starts to work at the knot of one regret, all of his other regrets constrict tighter. He's not a spirit any more, which is what he wanted, which is what he should embrace.

His expression relaxes, his inner struggle for now settled.]

I would like to go there. Can you... take me?
seity: (like all other saplings)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-14 10:55 pm (UTC)(link)

[He smiles, just a little bit, just a little turning up of his mouth that might not be a smile at all to anyone but Solas. There would be no fear this time, no desperate confusion. If he sees it again, he will get to remember how things were and know how things will be. The Fade knew no "before" or "after", only the multi-faceted kaleidoscope stream of existence that encompassed every moment that was and would be. For Cole, it was all he had known, and for Solas, it was what he liked to know. That was just a small part of what bound their hearts so tight together:

They didn't fear the knowing.

Unasked for, annoying, the guilt pipes up again, and he shifts his eyes away from Solas's face.]

Has it been good here?
seity: (not meant to be)

how to say what can't be said [plot aka mo inquisitors mo problems]

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-04 11:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Solas had quickly broken down his will to avoid him. The first text had been the first crack in his resolve, and so on until it all crumbled down around him and he was left with guilty pieces guilting him about the way he had now hurt Solas too. That wasn't what he had wanted, he just didnt know how to face him. Hawke had said that Neriel's secret was one that should have been told— and he believes her— so that means even more that the blame of what happened can be placed on him. Little nasty things are quick to sing their choruses in his head. It's hard to silence them now when he's cold and alone.

And cold and alone reminds him of when he died. Or, not when he himself died, but when human Cole did. But isn't he human Cole now? The point is that he can't feel his fingertips very well any more, and his skin feels like it has grown teeth only to turn on itself.

He returns to their home, body aches stronger when he sees and feels how warm and bright it is past the threshold. He stands a foot away from the door. His thoughts are dizzying in how they circle and knot around each other. He can't quite take the last steps. ]

seity: (all my dreams)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-13 10:51 pm (UTC)(link)

[He steps inside, quite careful, as if this was a place he had never been invited to before instead of a place he had spent many hours. The sudden heat is jarring at first, he had become a bit numb, but he lets himself be soothed by it. It's exhausting, being so twisted up with regrets and guilt and shame, and he doesn't want to exist in those feelings any more. If Solas can help him through them, he won't have to. But where to start?]

Are you mad at me?

[Solas isn't, and he knows it, but his guilt prompts the words just the same.]
seity: (not meant to be)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-14 10:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[ He's an empty glass. It's all been poured out, it's spilled across the Complex, its staining whoever he's told. Its the dregs that remain now, little things with little claws sunk deep into his thoughts that scream if he tries to get them to leave. He can't pry them off alone.

Cole closes the distance between them and tips forward, folding himself down so that his forehead can press against Solas's shoulder. Solas is much less than him, he's a beam of light to his heavy shadow, but he leans on him just the same. As always, he hopes that Solas will have the answer for him, because Solas usually does and Solas usually knows what to say in a way he can understand. ]

How do you take it away?
seity: (not meant to be)

[personal profile] seity 2017-07-15 01:34 am (UTC)(link)
[A shift of his head to be heard more clearly, his words quiet against Solas's neck.]

Everything is knots never known. I help the hurt of others people, I untangle the threads.

But not for myself.

[Never needed to.]

[He put the key into the lock, turned it, let what was inside out. The cage is empty. It's easier to breathe, and he sighs with relief that some of the weight is gone. Is that all he needed? It embarrasses him a little that he hasn't been able to help himself, that every dark thing, even the smallest spot of doubt, could wreck so much havoc. That's what he wants to take away. Their power.]
lavelly: (pass out in the sewer)

hi (7/20)

[personal profile] lavelly 2017-07-31 05:58 am (UTC)(link)
[He hadn't wanted to come back for a long time. If ever.

But he'd awoken in the Savrii med center when he should be dead. When he had been dead. He remembered dying.

And yet.

He'd welcomed it, at the time. He'd thought it was the final thing he could offer, his life in exchange for someone else's peace. He'd accepted this as his fate. And yet, somehow, miraculously, he was still breathing. And he didn't know what to do with himself.

So he'd gone home. It was the only thing he could think of.

It's the early hours of the morning when he comes through the entryway. It's strangely reminiscent of months ago, that episode with the asteroid, but this time he doesn't stop for anything; he just goes straight to his room. If he sees Solas, or Cole, on the way, he doesn't acknowledge either. He doesn't have the patience anymore. He's so tired.

He goes to his room, but he doesn't sleep. Instead he lies on the pad and stares at the wall, and waits for... something. He doesn't know what. Maybe it's sleep. Maybe it's death. Whichever comes first, he's tired of existing. But he doesn't know how to stop.]
lavelly: (direct forces)

[personal profile] lavelly 2017-08-01 04:54 pm (UTC)(link)
[It takes a superhuman effort to pull himself out of bed. Lavellan almost doesn't even bother. But when Solas calls to him he somehow manages to summon the energy from reserves he didn't even think he had.

Maybe it was only for Solas that he could have done it.

He knows he must look a wreck when he opens the door to Solas. It's amazing how little he cares. He feels detached from his own body, like a ghost in his own skin.

It feels like years since they last spoke, and with the dust in his mouth to match. Lavellan swallows.]

Trying to stay awake?

[It's... glib. But it's all he can think of to say.]
lavelly: (chop my balls off)

[personal profile] lavelly 2017-08-01 05:17 pm (UTC)(link)
[Of all things, their argument is the last thing on Lavellan's mind. All those things he'd been angry about feel like they happened another lifetime ago.

It's surreal, speaking to Solas as if the last month hadn't happened. Has it really only been a month?

He wonders if Solas's nightmares were like his. Whether they had that same visceral feeling of realness, blurring the line between dream and memory. Whether he has the same problems telling the difference, sometimes.

No wonder he drinks tea.

Lavellan folds his hands around his own cup mechanically and forgets to drink from it.]

It is certainly different here.

[Could Shepard be right? Could there be something about this place that affects dreaming, in a way completely separate from the Fade? And what did that mean, if so?]