i've seen this room

[dirth]

Who: Solas, Cole and open to others!
When: Throughout July
Where: Elfhaus, R3
What: General catch all for the house in July!
Warnings: N/A atm

[ The house has been mostly barren and empty for the last few weeks; since his and Lavellan's argument Solas has done his best to avoid haunting his room and the lounge, only coming back on the rare chance that he might somehow run into Cole. All their conversations have been difficult, rough and damaging for his mind and his thoughts, but there is very little that would keep him away from the once-spirit now.

He wants nothing more than to be there, to have Cole at his side, welcoming the boy as he had done in Thedas - as he had been, once, the only one capable of understanding the nature of Cole and the way his thoughts work.

It is not so, now. He's aware of that, much to his own frustration. Solas feels adrift, on edge, and does not know how to make do with himself.

More than anything he finds that he is rather bored.

The door to the house is often left open to let the air in and the cold of the season does not do much to bother the elf that sits inside. He is more than capable of summoning his own fire to keep him warm and he often sits, his eyes glowing in the dark, drawing and sketching to that firelight. He has nothing better to do other than to read, and even he needs a break from it. There is little about returning home and he is doing all that he can to understand the science of this world, as fruitless as it seems.

It has been a long time since he has felt loneliness, but it creeps in all the same. ]

Comments

[seity]

[ He lets silence well up between them, not at all uncomfortable as it fills up every space. He's sorting out his feelings one-by-one from the jumbled pile they're in. He knows what he wants to express, but no words put into any order seem to be good enough. Cole lets himself go at it at a slow pace, knowing that Solas will always wait for him. As always, he marvels at the difference of texture between their palms. Feeling it is soothing; there are tiny tears in their shared tapestry he can't see, but the fact of their hands together as they always have repairs the threads just the same.

Finally, and heavy with conflicted grief:]

The Fade was my home. Everything made sense there.

[The last time he had been to the Fade, it had created a desperate panic that Solas had soothed him out of. Torn between two places had stretched him thin, but he had chosen now, and no longer had that fear of a choice being made for him. But he wasn't always sure it was right. Or what would make him happiest.]

I don't... regret what I've done, I. [An empty space where another thought would have been. Mouth twists into a frown.]

It would be good to see it again as I know it.

[dirth]

[ They can settle like this with an air of companionship that nothing can touch; there are some links that he and Cole share that no other person in this world would be capable of, that no one else would be able to reach, because they have lived in a world that is beyond understanding. They embraced the Fade in a way that was impossible for most, and Solas basked in that knowledge - that no matter what came between them, what this world did to the careful glass of their concern for one another, they would never lose the link that bound them so surely.

He wishes that he could make things easier for Cole, that he had that power. He does not. ]

You could return, if you wished.

[ Solas frowns, turning his attention away from his drawings and his things so that his focus is on Cole and Cole alone. ]

Not permanently. That is impossible now, given the choices that you made. But we could return together in a dream, if you wished.

[ He had taken Sahlin there before, after all. It would not be so hard to take Cole. ]

Do not think of regret for your choices. Embrace the chances you are being given now instead.

[seity]

[This too he lets settle into the air. Would it just hurt more to be there again, or would it make him happy? He knows that memory is very strange, can make you think things were one thing when really they were the other. But it would be better to know than to fear.

And Solas is right. If he starts to work at the knot of one regret, all of his other regrets constrict tighter. He's not a spirit any more, which is what he wanted, which is what he should embrace.

His expression relaxes, his inner struggle for now settled.]

I would like to go there. Can you... take me?

[dirth]

[ It seems hypocritical for Solas to suggest that Cole ought to focus on the future rather than the past and a world he had left behind, but he's aware that his own advice is often borne of his own understanding, his own empathy, burning low inside of him like a tender flame. He offers it because he knows that Cole will understand - that this boy will recognise the doubts, fears and hatred Solas feels and come to his side all the same.

Bowing his head, he does what he can to fight his smile. He wants to embrace every moment he has with Cole, wants to be around him like this for as long as he can manage, and he is being given a wonderful gift today. It is better to think of it as a present than something he will inevitably have to give up. ]

Of course. We could go tonight.

[ They need to be asleep, after all. ]

[seity]

Yes.

[He smiles, just a little bit, just a little turning up of his mouth that might not be a smile at all to anyone but Solas. There would be no fear this time, no desperate confusion. If he sees it again, he will get to remember how things were and know how things will be. The Fade knew no "before" or "after", only the multi-faceted kaleidoscope stream of existence that encompassed every moment that was and would be. For Cole, it was all he had known, and for Solas, it was what he liked to know. That was just a small part of what bound their hearts so tight together:

They didn't fear the knowing.

Unasked for, annoying, the guilt pipes up again, and he shifts his eyes away from Solas's face.]

Has it been good here?

[dirth]

Then we shall do it.

[ What is there to stop them? There is nothing that could bar their entry - he has rested like this already - and no one to interrupt them. This is to he their venture, the two of them together, and Solas cannot think of anything he would love more. It will not be as when Cole was drawn into the physical Fade, dangerous to his very existence; it will be a wonderful dream, and he looks forward to it.

Turning his head, Solas closes his eyes and smiles. ]

The dreams? They have not been unpleasant.

[ He hasn't seen much, but nothing that has made him want to stop. ]