i've seen this room

[dirth]

Who: Solas, Cole and open to others!
When: Throughout July
Where: Elfhaus, R3
What: General catch all for the house in July!
Warnings: N/A atm

[ The house has been mostly barren and empty for the last few weeks; since his and Lavellan's argument Solas has done his best to avoid haunting his room and the lounge, only coming back on the rare chance that he might somehow run into Cole. All their conversations have been difficult, rough and damaging for his mind and his thoughts, but there is very little that would keep him away from the once-spirit now.

He wants nothing more than to be there, to have Cole at his side, welcoming the boy as he had done in Thedas - as he had been, once, the only one capable of understanding the nature of Cole and the way his thoughts work.

It is not so, now. He's aware of that, much to his own frustration. Solas feels adrift, on edge, and does not know how to make do with himself.

More than anything he finds that he is rather bored.

The door to the house is often left open to let the air in and the cold of the season does not do much to bother the elf that sits inside. He is more than capable of summoning his own fire to keep him warm and he often sits, his eyes glowing in the dark, drawing and sketching to that firelight. He has nothing better to do other than to read, and even he needs a break from it. There is little about returning home and he is doing all that he can to understand the science of this world, as fruitless as it seems.

It has been a long time since he has felt loneliness, but it creeps in all the same. ]

Comments

how to say what can't be said [plot aka mo inquisitors mo problems]

[seity]

[ Solas had quickly broken down his will to avoid him. The first text had been the first crack in his resolve, and so on until it all crumbled down around him and he was left with guilty pieces guilting him about the way he had now hurt Solas too. That wasn't what he had wanted, he just didnt know how to face him. Hawke had said that Neriel's secret was one that should have been told— and he believes her— so that means even more that the blame of what happened can be placed on him. Little nasty things are quick to sing their choruses in his head. It's hard to silence them now when he's cold and alone.

And cold and alone reminds him of when he died. Or, not when he himself died, but when human Cole did. But isn't he human Cole now? The point is that he can't feel his fingertips very well any more, and his skin feels like it has grown teeth only to turn on itself.

He returns to their home, body aches stronger when he sees and feels how warm and bright it is past the threshold. He stands a foot away from the door. His thoughts are dizzying in how they circle and knot around each other. He can't quite take the last steps. ]

[dirth]

[ Solas feels as though he ought to be more surprised that Neriel had managed to get himself tangled up in things, but he isn't - he can't find the will to be shocked, not truly, not when he's well aware of what an Inquisitor is like. Sahlin would have been the same, he thinks, rushing in head first without thinking about the consequences of her actions or what might happen as a result of them. She would have ran blindly because someone she cared for was in trouble, and there is no denying he sees the same thing reflected in the way that Neriel has acted.

It's only when Cole comes to the door and settles there, waiting for some form of invitation, that Solas calms a little. There is a whirling storm inside of him, concern and frustrated and irritation all merging into some kind of tsunami, but he forces himself to relax at the realisation that Cole will be picking up on the mixed feelings that spring to life inside of him. He does not want him to feel as though he is stuck, somehow, or that any of this is his fault. Solas knows where the blame lies. ]

Come inside, Cole.

[ Turning his head, Solas does what he can to manage a grim smile. ]

This is still your home.

[seity]

Right.

[He steps inside, quite careful, as if this was a place he had never been invited to before instead of a place he had spent many hours. The sudden heat is jarring at first, he had become a bit numb, but he lets himself be soothed by it. It's exhausting, being so twisted up with regrets and guilt and shame, and he doesn't want to exist in those feelings any more. If Solas can help him through them, he won't have to. But where to start?]

Are you mad at me?

[Solas isn't, and he knows it, but his guilt prompts the words just the same.]

[dirth]

[ Solas moves his fingers, a flex of limbs, and the Veilfire calms just enough for it to be a little more comfortable for Cole. He is not blind, after all, to the discomfort of others, and Solas wants to keep Cole close for as long as he can - to welcome him, to offer him whatever is possible, whatever he can give with his limited means. The world will change and reshape itself, will be unmade and remade, but Solas will never forget this. Moments where Cole is there and real - there is nothing, until death, that will rob him of it. ]

No. I am not mad at you, Cole.

[ A part of him is frustrated, yes, but there is no anger. His anger is held for this world and the people that have them trapped there - and, in part, kept close to his heart, saved to be unleashed on a foolish Lavellan who ran off to destroy the world without a whisper.

Perhaps he had wanted to die. Solas is not sure how to digest the thought. ]

Do you want to talk?

[seity]

[ He's an empty glass. It's all been poured out, it's spilled across the Complex, its staining whoever he's told. Its the dregs that remain now, little things with little claws sunk deep into his thoughts that scream if he tries to get them to leave. He can't pry them off alone.

Cole closes the distance between them and tips forward, folding himself down so that his forehead can press against Solas's shoulder. Solas is much less than him, he's a beam of light to his heavy shadow, but he leans on him just the same. As always, he hopes that Solas will have the answer for him, because Solas usually does and Solas usually knows what to say in a way he can understand. ]

How do you take it away?

[dirth]

[ There's something uncertain, but Solas does not know how to bridge the gap - but he reaches all the same, with his heart and his hand, offering himself to Cole without pause. This world has taken its toll on the both of them in different ways, and he does not pause as he allows Cole to settle close, to draw around him and rest against his body, as if there is no need to consider distance between them.

It's miraculous that Cole will settle against him, now, and Solas breathes out a soft noise as his arms lift to hold onto him. He rests a hand on his back, fingers pressed against the curve of his spine, and he lets his eyes close for a moment. ]

That depends on what you wish to lose.

[seity]

[A shift of his head to be heard more clearly, his words quiet against Solas's neck.]

Everything is knots never known. I help the hurt of others people, I untangle the threads.

But not for myself.

[Never needed to.]

[He put the key into the lock, turned it, let what was inside out. The cage is empty. It's easier to breathe, and he sighs with relief that some of the weight is gone. Is that all he needed? It embarrasses him a little that he hasn't been able to help himself, that every dark thing, even the smallest spot of doubt, could wreck so much havoc. That's what he wants to take away. Their power.]

[dirth]

Have you ever wondered why it is easier to help the hurts of others?

[ Solas lifts his hand, laying it flat and gentle on the nape of Cole's neck. ]

We cannot understand the root of our own pain. We might know the cause, we might understand how it occurred, but it is not so easy to find the centre and untangle all the feelings. It is what made you such an adept aid to those that accepted you. You saw what they could not and soothed the burns of a thousand broken hearts.

[ It is a difficult concept; Compassion is wonderful, but that is not what Cole is anymore. He is something greater than that and worse at the same time, different from the spirit Solas had loved so dearly but special all the same. ]

What would you do for this hurt if it was someone else feeling it?