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bioshock: elizabeth dewitt

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Who: Miles and Elizabeth
When: the 16th...ish
Where: Elizabeth and Lara's room
What: Miles comes to check on Elizabeth after her date with Ivan, and then some other unexpected feelings happen
Warnings: emotions.........

Since Ivan told him about the barely mitigated disaster their date had turned into, Miles has been understandably concerned about Elizabeth. She must be alright by now, he's sure, but even so, even just from the few vague comments Ivan had made, Miles is still worried. Whatever it was, whatever confusion or flashback she'd had, it had to be related to one of the awful things that happened in her all too recent past.

Even if it wasn't -- Miles would still be worried about her. They haven't really spoken much recently, no real reason in particular, although he's been feeling a little shy in her company even since -- what was it, Christmas? Christmas, right. Dancing with her had been truly exhilarating, it'd been fun, and it'd been painful to keep his feelings to himself. They're still there -- they haven't faded in the slightest -- but he's figured out something Ivan hasn't. Ivan is having feelings for Elizabeth -- very real feelings, more than Miles has ever seen on him before. Ordinarily a date like what had happened with Elizabeth would've sent him running in the opposite direction, and probably hiding out for a few days to ensure no thoroughly awkward run-ins. But Ivan wants to go straight back for more. Even at his most selfish, Miles can recognize how rare and likely important this is for his cousin. It'll take Ivan a while to figure out himself, he supposes, but Miles already knows what it means. Elizabeth must be something special -- as if he had a doubt before now.

It's evening when he comes by, an hour or so after dinner. He's hoping she'll be around, because he'd rather catch her here than in his office or the library. Miles tugs at his uniform collar and knocks on the door, immediately shoving his hands in his trouser pockets to keep from fidgeting.

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Elizabeth looks up from setting out mugs for tea, a little taken aback from the abrupt direction change in the conversation. Obviously he's asking for a reason, Miles wouldn't bring it up unless it was relevant. At least, Elizabeth believes Miles wouldn't bring up things that clearly cause her distress without a reason.

"No-- why should he?" Elizabeth tries to laugh. "It isn't as though he's serious about this, we're only doing things together. That doesn't require a whole... liturgy on quantum physics. I mean, be honest Miles, you know that if I tried to explain it, I wouldn't get much past 'holes between timelines' before he'd turn around and walk away with his fingers in his ears."

And it isn't so much that she couldn't stand to lose Ivan in particular-- she couldn't stand to feel like she terrifies people again. She waits for the water to boil with her back to Miles.

"It's not necessary. Once I get boring... There's just no need to stop him right now, is there?"

Miles holds up both hands in a disarming gesture. "I'm not challenging your decision, just asking -- you know, in the interest of staying on the same page. That choice is entirely yours, Elizabeth, I wouldn't dare to presume otherwise."

He means it, too. He doesn't think it suitable to contest her claim about how serious this thing Ivan is, one way or another, although he tilts his head at her curiously. "I wouldn't say that's an inaccurate assessment," he concedes with a slightly rueful smile. "Ever since we were kids, Ivan's developed an astonishing taste for burying his head in the sand. I've occasionally considered suggesting he move to Beta Colony someday, they've got plenty there. And the Orb of Unearthly Delights, come to think of it. But I don't think you give him quite enough credit." His smile turns crooked, that usual manic glimmer of humor flashing in his eyes. "He puts up with me, doesn't he?"

Miles watches her back for a moment, considering her discomfort. He hadn't really intended to take this conversation down an uncomfortable path, but then again, it was sort of inherent in his line of curiosity and the whole underlying purpose of the visit -- besides enjoying Elizabeth's lovely company, of course. He didn't come here to bring her down, though, and so he quickly strives to make up for it with one of his de facto tactics, circling around to her side to sweep her a deep, flourishing bow in true Vor style, if a bit exaggerated. "My dear Miss Dewitt," he says in a grave tone, though his eyes are twinkling, and he puts a hand over his heart, "you are far too exquisite a creature to ever bore a soul. Any man who thinks otherwise simply isn't fit to be graced with your affections."

"You're cousins though, Miles," Elizabeth points out-- in good humor, her tone doesn't suggest defensiveness or that she feels attacked. If anything, she's relieved she can finally tell someone what she's been thinking about just how long this thing with Ivan is going to last before something happens. Something seemed to always happen around the Moira. "He's told me you're practically brothers, and I honestly believe that. I'm... Well." She gives him a sad look. "He hasn't even scratched the surface with me. And I don't know that I want anyone to, not just him." She'd already warned Wanda to stay away, and Eggsy, poor Eggsy had too many questions about her rebounded back onto him. Miles and Clark... they're the only two.

That she remembers, at least.

The grandiose gesture is always effective on an old-fashioned sort like Elizabeth. She smiles and blushes at the compliments, thinking to herself that if it was possible to die from being offered too many compliments, she'd die at the hands of someone with a 'Vor' at the beginning of their last name. All three of them were just too good at it.

"I think, Lord Vorkosigan, you are laying it on a little thick. ...but there might be some truth to it." She leans down to put a kiss on his cheek.

Hm. It hadn't occurred to Miles that Ivan's unselfaware affections might not be so enthusiastically returned. He hardly blames her, though, knowing what he knows about her, how lonely and difficult her life has been. It's that sad note that always rings in his mind with Elizabeth, even when she's sweet and smiling and laughing.

"Well, no one's saying you have to scratch anyone's anything just now," Miles says reasonably. "But give it some time, Elizabeth. I mean -- no one can decide this for yourself but you, but...I don't think you've got as much to be afraid about as you think you do, when it comes to opening up to people around here, at least not when it comes to the weirdness factor." He shrugs. "I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand, is all."

Miles straightens up from the bow and he's about to laugh and respond with something along the lines of I know, that's why I did it when she kisses him. Well, kisses his cheek, but that's surely enough to stop him in his tracks, all the lordly theatrics draining out of him in an instant, and he flushes instantly before he can stop himself. She probably just means it as an innocent, playful gesture -- same with all the dancing, with everything -- and he should take it as such, he really should, but he can't help the kneejerk near-swoon that overcomes him before he catches himself with a nervous little laugh. "Ah -- quite." Very eloquent, Miles, very witty.

Elizabeth straightens up and grins at him-- apparently he liked that, and she's very happy he did. It was a sweet thing to say, and she appreciated it. Just saying as much wouldn't convey what it actually meant to her to hear someone tell her she's interesting enough without her ability to warrant company and affection. Despite knowing the most terrifying thing about her, he still comes to visit and cheers her up. That's a sure-fire way to earn her affection.

"I'll try not to dismiss it. I'll think about it. I know everyone is strange here in some way or another, but..." She pulls on her pinky idly. "Even if they didn't start trying to figure out how to restore my ability to see the doors, don't you think they'd look at me and wish I would just take them home?" She frowns, hesitant, at Miles. "Don't you ever wish I could just take you and Ivan and Greg home?"

"Not at your expense," Miles says instantly, now recovered from his momentary bout of embarrassment and that flutter of excitement. That peculiarly Miles intensity is back about him, in the way he looks at her with his slightly tilted head. The slight raise of his eyebrows is mild, his gaze fond, but quite serious. "Don't get me wrong, I want to go home. I miss Barrayar and -- well, I miss it all like hell. Of course I do -- we all do. But if it meant it'd ruin this brand new life you've started here, rob you of your chance to have one -- if it'd just take something away from you that you've spent your entire life wanting..." On impulse he reaches out to squeeze her hand, just to show her how sincere he is. "Then, no. I don't wish that at all."

"...but you could go home, Miles," Elizabeth insists. Clearly Miles didn't understand what she was saying. Clearly once she clarified, he would reconsider. "You'd never see me again, you wouldn't know if my life was what I wanted it to be or if I was miserable. You'd be far away..."

Elizabeth squeezes his hand back, the scenario playing out in her head all too easily and her heart breaking just from the thought of it. Used by a friend. It's a horrible thought, and even if it's not going to happen, she can't stop entertaining whether or not it's plausible.

"People... people take care of themselves, even if it means walking on someone else. It happens, it's a fact."

"I'd know," Miles says firmly, although his eyes are surprisingly gentle. He hasn't let go of her hand. "Even if I never saw you again, I'd know. I'd know I abused your friendship in the very way you fear the most. I'd know I took something important away from someone for whom I care very much. I could not abide by that -- in fact, I'd rather die. It would damage my honor beyond repair." His intent, serious face breaks with a small, crooked smile. "And I'm sure you've gathered by now that Barrayarans are very serious about their honor."

He'd given her his word as Vorkosigan, after all. There is nothing more serious to him than that.

For a long moment, Elizabeth doesn't know what to say. She knows she should have expected this from Miles, knows that he wouldn't do what so many before him had done, but it's a hard lesson for her to forget. People would use her. People would hurt her. People would be afraid of her. She had to stay out in front of it or Columbia would happen all over again.

But not with Miles. It wouldn't start with him. She believed that, she wanted to believe it.

Elizabeth puts Miles' hand in both of hers, biting at her lip fiercely to keep herself from crying. It's really not helping. No one has said, this bluntly, that they care about her and what she wants, and the further that sinks in the tighter her throat feels. She misses Booker, she misses feeling like someone knows everything and still cares.

"Miles--" She can't get a sentence out without her voice wavering.

Oh, god. He hadn't meant to make her cry. At least he knows it isn't because he's upset her -- well, not in the way he's most worried about, anyway -- Miles watches the expression on her face, his own breath stilling, his chest a little tight. It's damn near heartbreaking to see her buckle under the weight of such rare sympathy, heartbreaking because it shouldn't be rare. He glances down at the way her hands are clasped around his and wonders if she knows the significance of that gesture on Barrayar. She probably wouldn't have taken his hands if she did. She wouldn't ask something of that magnitude of him, just like he wouldn't her.

"Elizabeth," he says, hesitantly, but god, he hears her voice shake, and he moves to reach up to put an arm around her shoulders. What does one say in this situation? Sorry isn't really the right sentiment, because he's not. No, the hug is probably his best bet. "It's alright," he murmurs, soothingly, he hopes.

"I know," she nods and bends down further to help him reach, her arms going around his back. "I know it's alright. Everything is just... finally alright."

Well. More alright than in Columbia or Rapture. The Moira still had its host of problems, to be fair, but she had friends and a life. People who wanted to know where she was going before she ran off into a warehouse to wait for someone to jump her.

"Miles--" Elizabeth sniffs and wipes her eye as she straightens up. "I haven't found that movie yet, but I'm not doing anything tomorrow night. Do you want to have dinner with me?" she asks, trying to shake off the dour tone for something a little more cheerful. "I promise I won't pass out on you, I'll be very careful with what I drink."

Regardless of his determination to quash his affections for Elizabeth for Ivan's sake, Miles flushes slightly when she puts her arms around him too. It takes more than a day to get over it, so sue him. Miles never has been good at the getting over part. The slightly rueful smile he gives her when she pulls back is just a little bit crooked.

"Sure. Eating alone in my office gets old after a while," he says half-jokingly. He shoves his hands in his trouser pockets, his smile growing a little. "You don't have to drink at all, if you'd prefer. But certainly, Elizabeth, I'd be delighted. I haven't had dinner with a friend in...a while," he admits sheepishly, adamantly not thinking about the fact that the last time he'd had dinner with a friend was on that date with Bel. And dinner with a friend is surely what she meant, as far as Miles figures. "I could use the social interaction. I've been crawling up the walls of my office lately."

"Oh Miles," Elizabeth's forehead wrinkles in concern. He shouldn't have to eat alone-- even if she imagines it can be nice to have a quiet evening every once in a while, she wouldn't want to do it every night herself.

"Well you can have dinner with me any time you like, just let me know," she says with a smile. "How does tomorrow night suit you?"

This is not just a meal with a friend to her. Miles knows everything, she feels comfortable with him, he makes her laugh-- she wants to know him better. This is a chance to do that.

That look on her face makes Miles grin helplessly -- a familiar brand of exasperation he gets from family all the time. Family and close acquaintances, anyone who knows him well enough to know all the ways he neglects himself in favor of his work, whatever that may be. "Tomorrow night it is," he confirms with a grin.

Miles trusts Emiri less and less with every passing day, but dinner down planetside sounds nice enough. A good change of pace from the mess hall, anyway. He checks his MID for the time as he leans against the railing in the observatory, where they'd agreed to meet before heading down together. He's a little early. He isn't really dressed up, it's just dinner with a friend -- not to say that he doesn't look nice in his freshly pressed Barrayaran dress uniform. He really does need some civilian clothes.

Elizabeth is, of course, a few minutes late. But eventually she comes running down the corridor (looking shockingly steady in her heels despite the speed), already puffing. She is, of course, dressed for a date. The same little black dress she'd worn on her date with Ivan, full makeup, nails a fun shade of turquoise, and a matching flower in her hair from the garden.

"Sorry, sorry!" she calls when she seems Miles, waving to him as she slows to a stop in front of him. "The buckle on my shoes and I had a fight again. You haven't been waiting long, have you?"

"No, not at all, just a few -- " Miles starts to answer and stops abruptly as his gaze settles on Elizabeth and the breath rushes straight out of his lungs. She looks -- incredible. 'Gorgeous' doesn't even begin to cover it, with the flower in her hair, those cute little shoes with the buckle, the makeup, and...that dress. Is that the dress she wore on her date with Ivan? It must be, just by Ivan's dreamy description. The heels don't hurt, either. Who said she wasn't tall enough for him anyway? Miles, open-mouthed, makes a few aborted attempts at speech before he finally catches up with himself.

"You didn't keep me waiting at all," he says, and offers her a tilted grin, trying to suppress the faint color touching his cheeks. "If that's what you wear to dinner with a friend, I can't even begin to imagine how you dress for a date. You ever heard of the phrase 'if looks could kill'?"

Edited 2016-02-13 02:27 (UTC)

Elizabeth looks hesitant as Miles takes her in, but once he seems pleased she grins and let's out a little relieved laugh like she had with Ivan. Alright, she's got this, she can dress for a date without embarrassing herself.

"Oh good, it's not polite, but I'm still getting the hang of this eyeliner thing, and it keeps fighting me."

But next time she'll get it, surely.

The way she looks at Miles after he asks if she knows the phrase suggests she's never heard it before, but in reality she's back at 'imagine how you'd dress for a date'. Elizabeth stands there, silent and looking a little stiff.

"Well I thought..." Her face is turning red, she starts fidgeting with her fingers. "Uh... aren't we..."

Obviously not.

Miles goes still and wide-eyed, breath catching in his chest. A little bit deer-in-the-headlights, even, if the deer was infatuated with the car about to hit it. Oh -- oh. Oh, god. He almost can't believe this is happening, this moment right here. He's been so convinced that Elizabeth's interest in him was strictly platonic -- has she wanted to take him out all this time or is this some new urge, brought on by -- what? Has she caught on to the fact that he has a crush the size of the entire damned Empire on her? God knows he's been obvious enough despite himself, or at least Ivan thinks so. And -- she's already got Ivan anyway, so why him?

But that look on her face -- god, no. He instantly feels guily for making her cringe like that, for drowning her in such instant embarrassment. That's the last thing he wants for her. Self-conscious about her interest in him? It ought to be the other way around. It burns in his stomach, and his face flushes crimson, stunned damn near speechless for once in his life. Miles finds his palms suddenly sweaty, and he wipes them surreptitiously on his trouser seams, reduced to idiotic stammering. He's still mesmerized by how she looks in that dress.

"I-I -- I didn't think you'd want -- when you said dinner, I just thought -- oh, god, it's not like I don't -- but Ivan -- "

Elizabeth, however, feels awful in the dress now. She wraps her arms around herself and she can't even look at Miles she's so humiliated. She thought they had been flirting, or at least good friends who might enjoy a date together, but she's misinterpreted whatever "signals" there were, and she blames Harashan's classes for this entirely.

"What about him?" Elizabeth asks, flustered and racing to think of some way to save the situation. But she's in a dress and heels and makeup and... she'd misunderstood. "It's not like we're going steady, he doesn't want that. He can date whoever he likes, I think I'm allowed to do the same...!"

...or maybe not? It had been an intense date, thanks to the talk they'd had at the bar (the rest she can't even remember, and if she knew what had happened she'd be horrified), but they had more or less mutually agreed that commitment and marriage wasn't something either of them were thinking about. Fun, yes.

"I-I'm sorry Miles, I didn't-- I thought we were on the same page but, clearly I misunderstood--" and that's probably the most embarrassing part of it. She's not experienced enough to know, but she got cocky and thought she did. Now it's blown up in her face. "I'll just go change..."

"No -- no, wait! Please."

Miles reaches to catch her by the wrist before she can leave, tasting his heart in his throat. He feels flushed -- does he look flushed? His head is spinning a little.

"Elizabeth, it was me who misunderstood here," he says, his speech rapid and a little breathless, gray eyes slightly wide. "I only thought this wasn't a date because I never thought -- it's not for any lack of interest, I just didn't...think you'd ever be interested." He offers her a bleak smile, heavy with self-deprecation. "Why bother with the crippled little dwarf when you've already got Ivan Xav Vorpatril, eh?"

Elizabeth turns immediately when Miles grabs her wrist, just barely stopping herself from panicking and bolting. Being upset, even if it's just about her misreading signals, doesn't help her feel less... stressed.

But she listens, her face falling with every indication Miles gives that indicates he's called it quits before even asking her. It would be bewildering... if not for that last part.

"Why bother? Miles, Ivan is lovely and fun and I feel safe around him. You... you know what I'm keeping from almost everyone on this ship, and you still visit and make me laugh. The reasons I like you are completely different from why I like Ivan." Her eyebrows come together, she looks worried. "Miles... you don't think I think that about you, do you? That you're a..." she swallows. She can't even repeat it it's so awful to say about him.

Elizabeth's words make color rise to his cheeks, and he should be doing backflips, God, but they come like a blow to the stomach instead. Miles finds himself suddenly even more body-shy, self-conscious, unusually diffident -- embarrassed comes to mind. His throat seems suddenly dry.

"Most women do," Miles says with that bleak smile that's just a twitch away from something much more self-deprecating. He wants to kick himself in the teeth for saying anything, for responding with that, but he's babbling now and he doesn't manage to stop himself in time. He takes a step back, quickly exiting Elizabeth's personal space. "On -- a purely physical level, if nothing else. Um, I mean -- "

Most. Most women. Not Taura nor Elli, but they all share something in common, the understanding of what it's like to be disfigured in one way or another. Taura, who's never been quite human, whose terrifying betrayed a beauty Miles has never had trouble seeing. Elli Quinn, whose face had all been burned off by plasma fire when they'd first met. She has a new one now, sure, but...

"I've made myself a coward, I think," Miles says weakly.

She can't fault him for it, as much as she'd like to. Then she wouldn't feel like Miles was relegating her into the dreaded group of 'Most Women'. She doesn't feel like Most Women, but maybe she is. And she can't tell Miles that the way he feels is ridiculous, because she feels the exact same way about most people on the Moira. If they knew, they would be scared of her.

"No," she shakes her head. "No you were taught this, and it's hard... to unlearn it." That's really the only way she can couch it without feeling like one of many terrible, shallow women.

"I can tell you, the word of a DeWitt doesn't count for much, but... I swear I don't think that about you, Miles. Hell, I'm... standing here in this dress, aren't I?" Elizabeth swallows and wraps her arms around herself again. "But if you can't believe that I like you because I also like Ivan... that's not something I can fix with promises."

Miles cringes, instantly regretting his answer. God, he's making a complete hash of this.

"No -- no, that's not what I meant," he says quickly, a little desperately. "And the word of a DeWitt means just as much to me as the word of any Vor. It's just..."

Miles falters, swallowing. "When I was seventeen, I proposed to the girl I'd grown up with side-by-side. I'd always loved her. I wanted desperately for her to marry me. I was afraid I'd lose her otherwise, that she'd never come back to Barrayar with me. It went...badly. And when I was fifteen, I -- "

No. He stops himself abruptly there, his gaze dropping. "When I stop to think about it, the women I've known since then, the lovers I've had, they've all...picked me up and not the other way around." He acknowledges the unintentional pun with a brief flash of a grim smile. "And Ivan always says I have this...fear of rejection -- well, he also says I'm too picky -- but he isn't wrong, really. About the rejection, I mean. There were so many times I wanted to just...tell you, but I didn't. I just thought..."

Miles draws in a breath and looks up at Elizabeth, squaring his shoulders. His face is achingly sincere. "Well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I've offended you, and -- I'm sorry, Elizabeth."

"No, I'm not offended Miles--"

Wondering what I did to indicate that I'd reject you, but other than that--

"I'm..." Elizabeth thinks for a moment. "Sad, I suppose." This feeling is new and hard for her to pinpoint. She feels sad, yes, but also guilt, and regret, and sympathy all at once. And while she can easily identify the source of each, she can't figure out what to say about them. It's taking her a while to slog through and put the connections together.

"Because it sounds like you spent a lot of time thinking I was... showing interest without meaning it?" Which sounds like it's a horrible thing to do, but maybe something that some people did. "And that was probably confusing and painful. I can't do anything about the rest of it, but I'm telling you now Miles, unequivocally," she holds out her hand to him. "I like you, all of you, the way you are."

[ closed ] fluorescent announcements beat their wings overhead

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