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bioshock: elizabeth dewitt

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Who: Miles and Elizabeth
When: the 16th...ish
Where: Elizabeth and Lara's room
What: Miles comes to check on Elizabeth after her date with Ivan, and then some other unexpected feelings happen
Warnings: emotions.........

Since Ivan told him about the barely mitigated disaster their date had turned into, Miles has been understandably concerned about Elizabeth. She must be alright by now, he's sure, but even so, even just from the few vague comments Ivan had made, Miles is still worried. Whatever it was, whatever confusion or flashback she'd had, it had to be related to one of the awful things that happened in her all too recent past.

Even if it wasn't -- Miles would still be worried about her. They haven't really spoken much recently, no real reason in particular, although he's been feeling a little shy in her company even since -- what was it, Christmas? Christmas, right. Dancing with her had been truly exhilarating, it'd been fun, and it'd been painful to keep his feelings to himself. They're still there -- they haven't faded in the slightest -- but he's figured out something Ivan hasn't. Ivan is having feelings for Elizabeth -- very real feelings, more than Miles has ever seen on him before. Ordinarily a date like what had happened with Elizabeth would've sent him running in the opposite direction, and probably hiding out for a few days to ensure no thoroughly awkward run-ins. But Ivan wants to go straight back for more. Even at his most selfish, Miles can recognize how rare and likely important this is for his cousin. It'll take Ivan a while to figure out himself, he supposes, but Miles already knows what it means. Elizabeth must be something special -- as if he had a doubt before now.

It's evening when he comes by, an hour or so after dinner. He's hoping she'll be around, because he'd rather catch her here than in his office or the library. Miles tugs at his uniform collar and knocks on the door, immediately shoving his hands in his trouser pockets to keep from fidgeting.

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Oh, god. He hadn't meant to make her cry. At least he knows it isn't because he's upset her -- well, not in the way he's most worried about, anyway -- Miles watches the expression on her face, his own breath stilling, his chest a little tight. It's damn near heartbreaking to see her buckle under the weight of such rare sympathy, heartbreaking because it shouldn't be rare. He glances down at the way her hands are clasped around his and wonders if she knows the significance of that gesture on Barrayar. She probably wouldn't have taken his hands if she did. She wouldn't ask something of that magnitude of him, just like he wouldn't her.

"Elizabeth," he says, hesitantly, but god, he hears her voice shake, and he moves to reach up to put an arm around her shoulders. What does one say in this situation? Sorry isn't really the right sentiment, because he's not. No, the hug is probably his best bet. "It's alright," he murmurs, soothingly, he hopes.

"I know," she nods and bends down further to help him reach, her arms going around his back. "I know it's alright. Everything is just... finally alright."

Well. More alright than in Columbia or Rapture. The Moira still had its host of problems, to be fair, but she had friends and a life. People who wanted to know where she was going before she ran off into a warehouse to wait for someone to jump her.

"Miles--" Elizabeth sniffs and wipes her eye as she straightens up. "I haven't found that movie yet, but I'm not doing anything tomorrow night. Do you want to have dinner with me?" she asks, trying to shake off the dour tone for something a little more cheerful. "I promise I won't pass out on you, I'll be very careful with what I drink."

Regardless of his determination to quash his affections for Elizabeth for Ivan's sake, Miles flushes slightly when she puts her arms around him too. It takes more than a day to get over it, so sue him. Miles never has been good at the getting over part. The slightly rueful smile he gives her when she pulls back is just a little bit crooked.

"Sure. Eating alone in my office gets old after a while," he says half-jokingly. He shoves his hands in his trouser pockets, his smile growing a little. "You don't have to drink at all, if you'd prefer. But certainly, Elizabeth, I'd be delighted. I haven't had dinner with a friend in...a while," he admits sheepishly, adamantly not thinking about the fact that the last time he'd had dinner with a friend was on that date with Bel. And dinner with a friend is surely what she meant, as far as Miles figures. "I could use the social interaction. I've been crawling up the walls of my office lately."

"Oh Miles," Elizabeth's forehead wrinkles in concern. He shouldn't have to eat alone-- even if she imagines it can be nice to have a quiet evening every once in a while, she wouldn't want to do it every night herself.

"Well you can have dinner with me any time you like, just let me know," she says with a smile. "How does tomorrow night suit you?"

This is not just a meal with a friend to her. Miles knows everything, she feels comfortable with him, he makes her laugh-- she wants to know him better. This is a chance to do that.

That look on her face makes Miles grin helplessly -- a familiar brand of exasperation he gets from family all the time. Family and close acquaintances, anyone who knows him well enough to know all the ways he neglects himself in favor of his work, whatever that may be. "Tomorrow night it is," he confirms with a grin.

Miles trusts Emiri less and less with every passing day, but dinner down planetside sounds nice enough. A good change of pace from the mess hall, anyway. He checks his MID for the time as he leans against the railing in the observatory, where they'd agreed to meet before heading down together. He's a little early. He isn't really dressed up, it's just dinner with a friend -- not to say that he doesn't look nice in his freshly pressed Barrayaran dress uniform. He really does need some civilian clothes.

Elizabeth is, of course, a few minutes late. But eventually she comes running down the corridor (looking shockingly steady in her heels despite the speed), already puffing. She is, of course, dressed for a date. The same little black dress she'd worn on her date with Ivan, full makeup, nails a fun shade of turquoise, and a matching flower in her hair from the garden.

"Sorry, sorry!" she calls when she seems Miles, waving to him as she slows to a stop in front of him. "The buckle on my shoes and I had a fight again. You haven't been waiting long, have you?"

"No, not at all, just a few -- " Miles starts to answer and stops abruptly as his gaze settles on Elizabeth and the breath rushes straight out of his lungs. She looks -- incredible. 'Gorgeous' doesn't even begin to cover it, with the flower in her hair, those cute little shoes with the buckle, the makeup, and...that dress. Is that the dress she wore on her date with Ivan? It must be, just by Ivan's dreamy description. The heels don't hurt, either. Who said she wasn't tall enough for him anyway? Miles, open-mouthed, makes a few aborted attempts at speech before he finally catches up with himself.

"You didn't keep me waiting at all," he says, and offers her a tilted grin, trying to suppress the faint color touching his cheeks. "If that's what you wear to dinner with a friend, I can't even begin to imagine how you dress for a date. You ever heard of the phrase 'if looks could kill'?"

Edited 2016-02-13 02:27 (UTC)

Elizabeth looks hesitant as Miles takes her in, but once he seems pleased she grins and let's out a little relieved laugh like she had with Ivan. Alright, she's got this, she can dress for a date without embarrassing herself.

"Oh good, it's not polite, but I'm still getting the hang of this eyeliner thing, and it keeps fighting me."

But next time she'll get it, surely.

The way she looks at Miles after he asks if she knows the phrase suggests she's never heard it before, but in reality she's back at 'imagine how you'd dress for a date'. Elizabeth stands there, silent and looking a little stiff.

"Well I thought..." Her face is turning red, she starts fidgeting with her fingers. "Uh... aren't we..."

Obviously not.

Miles goes still and wide-eyed, breath catching in his chest. A little bit deer-in-the-headlights, even, if the deer was infatuated with the car about to hit it. Oh -- oh. Oh, god. He almost can't believe this is happening, this moment right here. He's been so convinced that Elizabeth's interest in him was strictly platonic -- has she wanted to take him out all this time or is this some new urge, brought on by -- what? Has she caught on to the fact that he has a crush the size of the entire damned Empire on her? God knows he's been obvious enough despite himself, or at least Ivan thinks so. And -- she's already got Ivan anyway, so why him?

But that look on her face -- god, no. He instantly feels guily for making her cringe like that, for drowning her in such instant embarrassment. That's the last thing he wants for her. Self-conscious about her interest in him? It ought to be the other way around. It burns in his stomach, and his face flushes crimson, stunned damn near speechless for once in his life. Miles finds his palms suddenly sweaty, and he wipes them surreptitiously on his trouser seams, reduced to idiotic stammering. He's still mesmerized by how she looks in that dress.

"I-I -- I didn't think you'd want -- when you said dinner, I just thought -- oh, god, it's not like I don't -- but Ivan -- "

Elizabeth, however, feels awful in the dress now. She wraps her arms around herself and she can't even look at Miles she's so humiliated. She thought they had been flirting, or at least good friends who might enjoy a date together, but she's misinterpreted whatever "signals" there were, and she blames Harashan's classes for this entirely.

"What about him?" Elizabeth asks, flustered and racing to think of some way to save the situation. But she's in a dress and heels and makeup and... she'd misunderstood. "It's not like we're going steady, he doesn't want that. He can date whoever he likes, I think I'm allowed to do the same...!"

...or maybe not? It had been an intense date, thanks to the talk they'd had at the bar (the rest she can't even remember, and if she knew what had happened she'd be horrified), but they had more or less mutually agreed that commitment and marriage wasn't something either of them were thinking about. Fun, yes.

"I-I'm sorry Miles, I didn't-- I thought we were on the same page but, clearly I misunderstood--" and that's probably the most embarrassing part of it. She's not experienced enough to know, but she got cocky and thought she did. Now it's blown up in her face. "I'll just go change..."

"No -- no, wait! Please."

Miles reaches to catch her by the wrist before she can leave, tasting his heart in his throat. He feels flushed -- does he look flushed? His head is spinning a little.

"Elizabeth, it was me who misunderstood here," he says, his speech rapid and a little breathless, gray eyes slightly wide. "I only thought this wasn't a date because I never thought -- it's not for any lack of interest, I just didn't...think you'd ever be interested." He offers her a bleak smile, heavy with self-deprecation. "Why bother with the crippled little dwarf when you've already got Ivan Xav Vorpatril, eh?"

Elizabeth turns immediately when Miles grabs her wrist, just barely stopping herself from panicking and bolting. Being upset, even if it's just about her misreading signals, doesn't help her feel less... stressed.

But she listens, her face falling with every indication Miles gives that indicates he's called it quits before even asking her. It would be bewildering... if not for that last part.

"Why bother? Miles, Ivan is lovely and fun and I feel safe around him. You... you know what I'm keeping from almost everyone on this ship, and you still visit and make me laugh. The reasons I like you are completely different from why I like Ivan." Her eyebrows come together, she looks worried. "Miles... you don't think I think that about you, do you? That you're a..." she swallows. She can't even repeat it it's so awful to say about him.

Elizabeth's words make color rise to his cheeks, and he should be doing backflips, God, but they come like a blow to the stomach instead. Miles finds himself suddenly even more body-shy, self-conscious, unusually diffident -- embarrassed comes to mind. His throat seems suddenly dry.

"Most women do," Miles says with that bleak smile that's just a twitch away from something much more self-deprecating. He wants to kick himself in the teeth for saying anything, for responding with that, but he's babbling now and he doesn't manage to stop himself in time. He takes a step back, quickly exiting Elizabeth's personal space. "On -- a purely physical level, if nothing else. Um, I mean -- "

Most. Most women. Not Taura nor Elli, but they all share something in common, the understanding of what it's like to be disfigured in one way or another. Taura, who's never been quite human, whose terrifying betrayed a beauty Miles has never had trouble seeing. Elli Quinn, whose face had all been burned off by plasma fire when they'd first met. She has a new one now, sure, but...

"I've made myself a coward, I think," Miles says weakly.

She can't fault him for it, as much as she'd like to. Then she wouldn't feel like Miles was relegating her into the dreaded group of 'Most Women'. She doesn't feel like Most Women, but maybe she is. And she can't tell Miles that the way he feels is ridiculous, because she feels the exact same way about most people on the Moira. If they knew, they would be scared of her.

"No," she shakes her head. "No you were taught this, and it's hard... to unlearn it." That's really the only way she can couch it without feeling like one of many terrible, shallow women.

"I can tell you, the word of a DeWitt doesn't count for much, but... I swear I don't think that about you, Miles. Hell, I'm... standing here in this dress, aren't I?" Elizabeth swallows and wraps her arms around herself again. "But if you can't believe that I like you because I also like Ivan... that's not something I can fix with promises."

Miles cringes, instantly regretting his answer. God, he's making a complete hash of this.

"No -- no, that's not what I meant," he says quickly, a little desperately. "And the word of a DeWitt means just as much to me as the word of any Vor. It's just..."

Miles falters, swallowing. "When I was seventeen, I proposed to the girl I'd grown up with side-by-side. I'd always loved her. I wanted desperately for her to marry me. I was afraid I'd lose her otherwise, that she'd never come back to Barrayar with me. It went...badly. And when I was fifteen, I -- "

No. He stops himself abruptly there, his gaze dropping. "When I stop to think about it, the women I've known since then, the lovers I've had, they've all...picked me up and not the other way around." He acknowledges the unintentional pun with a brief flash of a grim smile. "And Ivan always says I have this...fear of rejection -- well, he also says I'm too picky -- but he isn't wrong, really. About the rejection, I mean. There were so many times I wanted to just...tell you, but I didn't. I just thought..."

Miles draws in a breath and looks up at Elizabeth, squaring his shoulders. His face is achingly sincere. "Well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I've offended you, and -- I'm sorry, Elizabeth."

"No, I'm not offended Miles--"

Wondering what I did to indicate that I'd reject you, but other than that--

"I'm..." Elizabeth thinks for a moment. "Sad, I suppose." This feeling is new and hard for her to pinpoint. She feels sad, yes, but also guilt, and regret, and sympathy all at once. And while she can easily identify the source of each, she can't figure out what to say about them. It's taking her a while to slog through and put the connections together.

"Because it sounds like you spent a lot of time thinking I was... showing interest without meaning it?" Which sounds like it's a horrible thing to do, but maybe something that some people did. "And that was probably confusing and painful. I can't do anything about the rest of it, but I'm telling you now Miles, unequivocally," she holds out her hand to him. "I like you, all of you, the way you are."

"No -- God, no," Miles chokes out, eyes wide, and now he really does sound desperate, because somewhere he's lost total control of this conversation. How exactly did they get here? He didn't mean to make her sad. Way to go, Miles.

"That's not it at all. I didn't mean that I thought you were being insincere or -- or leading me on. I just thought you were just showing friendly interest, no romantic overtures. And I'm not complaining -- Elizabeth, I'm honored to be your friend, I just -- misread the situation. Please, Elizabeth, you haven't hurt me in any way -- you didn't do anything."

His hands open in a helpless gesture, a shallow breath hitching in his throat. Oh, God, how does he fix this? How did he break it?

"You've never been anything but a good friend to me, Elizabeth. Please, I don't want you to feel like you're at fault for -- anything."

Watching Miles plead with her makes it seem like she's done something, no one has ever spoken to her like this-- when they weren't begging for their life, at least. She has no idea how to respond, and the way she looks at Miles helplessly and pulls nervously on her pinkie probably indicates as much.

"...Okay. You know, when you spend a lot of time alone, jumping through time and space, you start to think that the world revolves around you," she says with a small apologetic smile. "Blame included."

Most of what happened in Columbia centered around her, after all. And Rapture, while she's at it. In a way, Elizabeth supposes she's self-centered in a backwards kind of way, and she's realizing from this exchange with Miles that she can't keep doing it. It doesn't make sense. Better to make a clean break of it, put aside trying to figure out where the blame lay.

"I was showing friendly and romantic interest, Miles. I was asking you on a date. Did you want to go on a date with me?"

"Oh," Miles breathes, looking stunned. He'd figured he'd botched this beyond repair, botched everything. "Oh, yes, I very much want to..."

And then his chest twinges with some cousin to guilt -- cousin -- right. For that one moment Miles looks utterly lovestruck, and then it drops off his face, shoulders dropping with it, shutting his eyes and bowing his head with an aching look.

"But I -- I'm sorry, Elizabeth, I can't." He cringes at himself, hoping he doesn't look as supremely guilty as he feels. Hell, he doesn't just feel guilty, he feels like a frigging villain. The decision to back off from Elizabeth, to excuse himself from the intrusion, seemed so easy when he was convinced there was no interest in him to begin with. He wasn't prepared for this contingency. Shit. "I can't."

His stomach twists, his breath catching in his throat. He feels ill. He's just barely repaired the cracks that he'd struck by his own sheer oblivion -- now he might as well be hammering cheerfully away at their friendship with what must be the world's worst emotional rollercoaster. Miles looks back up at Elizabeth with that same helpless expression of apology, feeling somehow that it's hardly going to be enough.

"I'm so sorry, Elizabeth, but -- believe me, this has nothing to do with you." What, it's not you, it's me? More like it's not you, it's Ivan... God, he wishes he could use a straight line like that, just to break the tension. "It's just that... God, I don't think he even knows it yet, but Ivan really likes you. More than he's ever liked a woman before. If you've known him long enough, it's pretty easy to see. And I...don't want to get in the way of that. And I think it would, at least for him."

This is hard. This is incredibly hard. Miles is totally unprepared for this conversation, because he never thought he'd have to have it. Stupid, stupid boy...

"I'm sorry I've been such a -- such an ignorant asshole about all this. I really, really am." Miles lets out an unhappy and slightly hysterical giggle, running his hand down his face. "I have absolutely shit timing."

Emotional roller coaster is probably the best term for it, because at first it seems they've turned a corner on this difficult conversation and then... it all comes down again. He does but he can't...?

She confused, of course, and then the hurt starts creeping up, her face turning red slowly as Miles explains. It's the strangest feeling-- she wants to just vanish from the spot and be literally anywhere else. She wants to sink into the floor. She feels like the only naked person in a room full of well-dressed people.

Potentially the worst part of the explanation is that Ivan likes her more than usual. That's perfect. That's great. He knows nothing about what happened to her before the Moira and she's trying to keep it that way. Once he did find out, all of this would come apart. So now she had to... what? Make absolutely sure he never found out so Ivan could go on liking her without knowing anything about her tears, and Rapture, and everything? That isn't panic-inducing at all. She can't think about that right now, she'll melt down if she has to contend with keeping Ivan in the dark and wrestle with wanting to crawl under the deck panels and die.

Elizabeth looks everywhere but at Miles, opening her mouth a few times to say something, but the words take a while to come to her.

"This... seemed so easy at the beginning, I didn't think it could be this co-omplicated," she says, covering the break in her voice with a nervous gesture like she was fixing her hair and a forced smile that lasts about a second. "It's fine, I understand, do you mind if I--" She gestures back the way she came, towards her room. Deep breaths, stay steady, she can make it through another sentence. "--I just, I need to go back and, you know."

Get out of the dress as fast as humanly possible.

Miles watches her helplessly, his stomach sinking. More than sinking -- plummeting fast like it's weighted down with cinder blocks, hitting the riverbed before he can take a breath. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. This is exactly what he was afraid of, that he'd fuck this up beyond all recognition or repair. He didn't want to lose Elizabeth's friendship -- still doesn't. But what was he supposed to do, just -- take her up on it? Say yes?

You could have. You could have had it all. It's not like you gave your word to Ivan. It's not like he even knows...

"Yes -- yes, of course," Miles says, his voice a strained breath, stubbornly shoving any signs of panic off his face. It's not like she's looking at him anyway. His hands open and close at his sides, at a loss. "Of course. I'm...sorry for making it complicated. And, um -- if you'd rather not see me for a while -- " Or...ever. " -- I'd understand. I've no wish to intrude on you, or -- "

His gaze drops, his voice coming out small, almost a squeak. "I'm sorry."

"No, Miles, it's not an intrusion, I'm just--"

Crying now. She's crying now. She kept going after the one sentence she knew she could get out and now she can't stuff it back in. Elizabeth hasn't cried very much in her life, probably a feat considering everything that's happened, but it happens. Mostly when her emotions just completely overwhelm her and there's no other way to get it out except to cry, but there's more to it this time than just that. This is probably the second time it's happened in her entire life: her feelings are hurt. She asked a boy on a date and he said no, her feelings are hurt. It's normal, at least.

"I'm sorry," she says with a little laugh, trying to wipe her eyes before Miles can see, but that's a fairly futile activity. "This hasn't happened to me before, I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. She's crying. Of course he made her cry. This entire conversation is a disaster -- he looks like he'd rather flee the scene, but he stays rooted to the floor where he is, his chest uncomfortably tight. God, he's really made a hash of --

She's laughing? Miles stares in desperate confusion, starting to get a little emotional whiplash here. He has very obviously lost complete control of this conversation.

"Being upset with me is probably a good start," he says anxiously, his speech coming too quickly. "If we were at the bar I'd suggest throwing a drink in my face -- I hear that's really satisfying..."

"Why would I do that?" Elizabeth keeps wiping her eyes, trying to keep the tears at least to a manageable level. "I understand what you're doing. And why. I know you and Ivan care about each other a lot-- and while I'm... skeptical that he's not going to find someone new, you know him," she says with another wet and helpless chuckle. It probably is unnerving to see Elizabeth crying and laughing simultaneously, but part of her is feeling amazed by this new thing. Being turned down and feeling hurt over it. It's so normal.

"Maybe that's why this hurts so much," she says, lacing her fingers together and squeezing so that maybe, maybe she can stem her crying a little bit. "It feels like... we missed each other. And I regret it. And there's nothing we can do to change it. It's no one's fault, just... how it happened. That might be worse than there being someone to blame, because I know how to be angry. I don't know how to... move on from being hurt."

She's never known how to do that. She's never faced it before, because before it meant letting go of being angry and resentful, letting go of Booker and accepting she would never see him again. Things that made her feel lost and adrift in the world. But she's not lost and adrift anymore, she can do this, she just needs help.

Miles doesn't realize he's holding his breath until she finishes talking, until it registers that she's asking him for advice, and he lets it out in a thin whoosh, a feeling not unlike his chest caving in and expanding all at once. "Oh, ah..."

For the first time since this conversation started rolling downhill, Miles moves closer to Elizabeth, reaching out to lay a hand on her arm. He hopes she'll take it as a comforting gesture.

"Time, mostly," he admits. He hopes she'll take it from his tone that he's been on the receiving end of this more than once, that he won't have to say it out loud. Not that he wouldn't, though. "Sounds like a cheap thing to say, I know, but it's the truth. Distance, sometimes. Some things never really heal over, you just get used to them being there."

Elena Bothari, for instance. No -- Elena Bothari-Jesek, ever since she'd married Baz -- eight years ago, now? He's happy for her, made peace with that disastrous rejection, but he never really stopped loving her. A distant look steals over Miles's face, but only for an instant, and then he gives Elizabeth a rueful but encouraging smile.

"But I don't think that'll be the case here. The sting lessens over time. And we're still friends, after all. You were always my friend first, Elizabeth." Miles gives her arm a gentle squeeze. "Ivan might be a flirt, and he might not be a man of commitment, but I...think you're special to him all the same. I just don't think he knows it yet. And special doesn't necessarily mean soulmate, or destined to marry, or anything, but -- it's new territory for him. I think he should be allowed to explore it without having to trip over me to do it. And if it's any comfort," he adds, his grin going a little more wry, "he's a very good multitasker."

[ closed ] fluorescent announcements beat their wings overhead

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