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Who: Declan & St. Monmouth folks, or anyone.
When: late March
Where: St. Monmouth
What: Declan realizes that even running away to another planet doesn't solve any of his problems.
Warnings: language. will update as threads progress

[Monmouth looks so peaceful this late at night. The firelights, the dream trees, the flowers that always seem to glow. They all lend an air of magic to the whole place and all Declan can think about is that none of it is really worth it. None of anything their father had was worth it, and now it's all rushing in and catching up to Ronan as well.

The last thing Declan feels is peaceful. Back in Virginia he could manage it all, it was his life's work. But here? He doesn't know if even God himself could get rid of these demons.

Sitting on the front steps of his newly dreamt up house, rubbing at the fresh bruise along his jaw, he is thankful for one thing, at least: the never ending alcohol in this dreamt up flask.]

closed to Gansey

[Declan gives himself a day, because even he has to regroup sometimes and this one's a doozy. If there was something immediate he could do, he'd already be doing it, but demons aren't part of his expertise. Maybe he should have paid better attention in Church. Maybe that's what he needs right now, too.

But other than church, there's Richard Gansey, who always seems to be able to help when Declan can't quite get there. Declan has always been grateful even if it's less than apparent and he knows Gansey must respect him as well, at least for the most part.

After they fought (the briefest of fights, Gansey might actually be proud, only Declan's face showing any signs that one even took place), Ronan filled him in on whatever he could, but he told Declan to ask Gansey the rest. That Gansey was there at the end. The end. Matthew and Ronan coming undone. He isn't ready to hear the rest of this, but he knows he has to be if he wants to figure out what to do about it. Knocking on Gansey's door, he waits for a reply. ]

(lmk if there's anything else you'd like to do that doesn't fit into this scenario, i'm open!)

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[ Listening to Declan... It's like listening to Ronan. The self-blame. The guilt. It's not like Jesse doesn't understand the self-blame and guilt - Jesse knows only too well the way guilt and self-blame eat away like acid.

Jesse is still studying his hands, a beat of silence stretching between Declan's rambling and Jesse. ]

Sometimes stuff just happens, doesn't matter how much you try to stop it from happening. [ He looks over at Declan. ] Like you said, though: There's always a solution. We just gotta put our heads together and figure out what it is.

[ We. Jesse fully intends on trying to help find some way to save Ronan.

Jesse reaches over to gently tug the flask out of Declan's hands. ]

Right now, though, think it's more important you get some rest.

[We. Declan hears it and he'd snort out a sound of disgust at it, but he's too tired. Definitely bordering on too drunk for it]

Stuff just happens, yeah. I work hard to prevent stuff from just happening. It's bullshit. This whole damn thing, it's.... bullshit.

[Declan's grip tightens around the flask when Jesse tugs at it, but as he looks over at him, he relents and lets go. He'd rather not be alone when drinking anyway. That way leads to Niall]

Rest. [He snorts] Right. I don't sleep much anymore.

I figured. Maybe you should try, though. Even if it's just for a few hours.

[ With the flask in his hand, Jesse pushes himself to his feet. He turns on the steps to look down at Declan, who looks so positively drunk and wasted and exhausted. ]

Need a hand up?

[He doubts he'll get a few hours, though he might be drunk enough for it. He needs his sleeping pills, but he knows that's not going to happen any time soon. He refuses to ask Ronan to dream them up for him, as much as he refuses to ask Jesse if he knows where he can get some.

He waves a dismissive hand at Jesse's offer to help. He can get his own damn self up and he does so, only swaying slightly. He's quiet as he tries to sort himself out, then he asks]

What do you want from him?

[ As much as Jesse wants to grab a hold of Declan to steady him, he keeps his distance, just watches Declan sway to his feet. Declan is much taller than Jesse, so Jesse has to turn his head up to look at him.

The question shouldn't come as a surprise. In fact, Jesse has been waiting for Declan to ask what he wants from Ronan. Jesse isn't stupid; he knows Declan thinks he's using Ronan. The suddenness of the question takes Jesse off-guard regardless.

Jesse fixes Declan with a long, assessing look. He swallows a little thickly. ]

I watched Ronan die. Over and over. I saw what Kavinsky did to him, too. And now I'm watching him fall apart because he doesn't think he's got a reason to live. What do you think I want from him?

[Declan still doesn't know what to expect from Jesse. He doesn't know him, he doesn't like him. This is all just situational, he tells himself. He hasn't exactly learned everything he wanted to learn tonight and he supposes that's his own damn fault, but that's not something he's going to admit to himself here and now ]

What the hell do you know about Kavinsky? You want to know what he really did? Kidnapping Matthew and drugging him? Then I hear you and Ronan are all mixed up in his shit anyway? I don't know what you want from him, but you're going to drag him down, then you better stay away.

[This isn't what he wanted to start. Not here, not now. It's a bad, drunken attempt to warn Jesse that things aren't going to be like they used to. Not with him here, or with Gansey around, even Matthew]

Ronan has reasons to live. That demon inside of him is going to be gone, so whatever the fuck else is making him feel like that, I'll make damn sure leaves right along with that thing.

[ Jesse peers up at Declan. He's slurring and intoxicated; Jesse wonders if Declan even knows what he's saying. Jesse could point out all he knows about Kavinsky, he could point out that he wouldn't have discussed the matter of the demon with Declan if he didn't think Ronan had a reason to live, he could point out a lot of things.

Instead, he simply says with quiet, firm conviction: ]

I'd let the demon take me if it meant saving Ronan.

Yeah?

[Declan utters that word with all the antagonism in the world. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He wants to talk about anything else. He wants to be in his expensive townhouse in Virginia that he doesn't have to feel guilty over, with a life that he was more or less keeping complete control of]

Well maybe we'll just stick it in you, then. How about that?

Edited 2017-04-02 09:38 (UTC)

If that's what it takes.

[ Jesse's gaze doesn't waver from Declan's. Does the hatred in Declan's slurred words hurt? Maybe on the surface, maybe a little. Deep down, Jesse knows he deserves it.

He would let the demon take him, if it meant saving Ronan. It's Jesse that's the abomination, not Ronan. ]

Think you're too drunk to keep having this conversation right now, though.

[Declan isn't sure why, but those words anger him more than anything. Maybe because he never even thought of letting the demon take him over Ronan. The demon wouldn't want him or Jesse, so it's irrelevant, but still.

He reaches for the flask]

Give that back to me.

[ That's the thing: Jesse knows the demon wouldn't want to take him, so it is irrelevant. Jesse is nothing special or useful. But God, if he honestly could spare Ronan's life by letting his own be used as a pawn...

Jesse jerks the flask out of Declan's reach for the moment. ]

You need to sleep. Or at least get some rest. If you wanna be a help to your brother, you need to look after yourself, as well.

[ Such wise words coming from a junkie. But then, he's holding the flask out for Declan to take. ]

[Declan wastes no time snagging the flask back from Jesse, but he doesn't open it again. He knows he's already crossed his own line. He's not keeping it together and that could get very dangerous. It's in his his, even if no one is after them here anymore.

Only demons, he reminds himself. The worst thing of all]

I know how to look after myself, asshole. Been doing it for nineteen years, all by my damn self. Don't need you coming over here with you bare feet and attitude telling me how to manage myself.

"My barefeet and attitude"? Says the nineteen year-old? What, gonna shake a Nerf Blaster at me next and tell me to get off your lawn?

[ Retorted so dryly. This kid, honestly... ]

Edited 2017-04-02 15:31 (UTC)

I'll shake something else at you if you're not careful.

[Right now he doesn't care that that this asshole knows how old he is, it's not like most people believe him anyway and he can't imagine Jesse being an actual adult. But it still pisses him off]

You don't want me as an enemy, believe me. I can make your life hell. Is that what you want? Is that how you want to do this?

[ In Jesse's best Serious Adult voice, the kind of voice reserved for reminding drunk 19 year-olds that they're just 19 year-olds: ]

You're gonna make my life hell by threatening to shake your dick at me?

[ But then, he raises his hands in surrender. ]

Yo. All I'm doing is telling you to get some rest, okay? 'Cause no offense or anything, but you look like shit. And I mean that in a concerned friend of Ronan's way, 'cause I know Ronan really needs his big brother right now.

[Declan hates that voice. It makes him want to smack it right out of Jesse's mouth. Now he's starting to regret letting the age thing slip.]

Real mature, asshole.

[He half scowls, half makes a disgusted noise in Jesse's general direction. Mostly though, he's just feeling it toward himself. He shouldn't even be here like this.

He takes a step up, then steps back down and pinches the bridge of his nose]

Matthew.

Yeah. Matthew, too. They both need you.

[ Jesse is fixing Declan with a Look... though, that look softens with a quiet sigh under his breath while he watches Declan pinch the bridge of his nose.

Much more gently: ]

C'mon, man. Just get some rest, okay? And look, I know I'm the last person you probably want hanging 'round, but I'll stay if you need the company. I don't mind.

No, I mean I... I don't want to go in there like this.

[He knows they need him. Of that, he needs no reassurances. What Declan does have an issue with is how well he can usually hold his liquor and truly bad this forever replenishing flask is for him during such trying times.

Without removing his hand from his nose, he glances over at Jesse]

What are you going to do, tuck me in? [And then] I'm sleeping out back by the pool.

[ A 'seriously, bro?' raise of his brows. ]

What, like a hobo? [ And because he knows Declan will likely latch onto that and be an even further dick, Jesse quickly adds: ] And what if Matthew finds you passed out drunk by the pool? How is that in any way gonna look any better?

[It's a good thing Jesse is on the ball with that one, because a retort is about to leave his mouth just as Jesse brings up Matthew. He looks toward the back of the house, then considers his choices]

I'll be up before he even notices.

[And because this decision is too hard, he decides another swig from the fask might be in order, so he opens it up again]

I just want to go home. With my brothers. This is insane. Do you realize how insane all this shit is? Another planet? And we're just supposed to be okay with this. Get used to it, just like that.

[ Jesse's eyes drop to the flask, watching Declan's hands unscrewing the lid for another swig. He knows exactly what that's like: seeking another hit, searching to climb higher into inebriation, frantically looking for escapism in the bulb of meth or the next line of coke. Or, in Declan's case, the next swig of booze.

He lifts his attention back up to Declan's face. ]

I thought the same shit when the Ingress first pulled me in.

[ Trust me, I know exactly what you're going through on THAT level, at the very least. ]

At least your brothers are here with you, though. At least it ain't a case of you being pulled in here alone, while your brothers are left back at home to deal with shit on their own.

[ Like how it was for Ronan when he first wound up here. Jesse leaves that part out, though; he knows Declan doesn't need any further reminders of that right now. ]

[If Declan knew Jesse was comparing the two of them right now, he would be beside himself. Maybe ashamed, even, though Declan doesn't do shame and guilt the way Ronan does. He sees now issue with how drunk he wants to get himself, though]

I know. I know it's not the same. I know.

[He knows how damn lucky he is. It kills him that Ronan had to go through all of it alone. His brothers are here with him, but right now, in his head, he just wants things to be like they were, even though nothing was ending up the way he wanted it to anyway]

I would've switched places with him. I would've done anything to keep him from the shit he went through.

[His thoughts are coming out disjointed now, everything jumbling up in his head]

But you were here. You.

[ Honestly, Jesse wants to just... gently pry the flask out of Declan's hands and just as gently turn him around and lead him inside to his bed. It's where he needs to be: in bed, so he can sleep, so he can try to shut his mind off for a little while.

He tilts his head a little to try and catch Declan's eyes. ]

And now you're here, too. Which I know sucks, but at least Ronan has you here. And Matthew. You're together as a family again. That's gotta count for something, right?

It should count for something, shouldn't it. But you're telling me that he thinks he's an abomination. That he's punishing himself. That he's doing all this shit I tried to veer him away from. That's what you're telling me.

[It's a mess. Declan is a mess and he hates it. This isn't what he does. This isn't who he is. And now this asshole, junkie, idiot that Declan is trying so hard not to hate is right here and all he wants to do is thank him for taking care of his brother, but he doesn't really know what to say]

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with them. But you were here too.

[ Is Declan accusing Jesse? Is he thanking him? Jesse can't tell. He's not sure Declan can tell, either. Declan is a mess. A slurred-speaking, confused, terrified mess. Jesse might not be able to tell if Declan is saying he hates him or is thanking him, but he can tell Declan is falling apart and is terrified.

Declan may very much seem like a 30 year-old who's got his shit together. Right now, though? He's nothing but a terrified 19 year-old boy who doesn't know what to do or who to turn to.

Perhaps it's against Jesse's better judgement, but Jesse moves up to the next step so he's more eye-level with Declan, and he carefully takes hold of Declan's upper arms. ]

Hey. Listen to me. It does count for something. I'm just a guy Ronan happened to meet. I'm not his brother. I only know the shit he's gone through here, not the shit he's gone through back home. I've been tryna encourage him to do more stuff people his age would normally do - y'know, skateboarding, playing video games, just... fun stuff to try and take his mind away from all this dark stuff he gets caught up in - but that's nothing compared to him having his family here, man. And he's been without you both for a long time, and a lot's happened, and none of that is your fault. Okay? None of it.