thisavrou_log | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Who: Declan & St. Monmouth folks, or anyone.
When: late March
Where: St. Monmouth
What: Declan realizes that even running away to another planet doesn't solve any of his problems.
Warnings: language. will update as threads progress

[Monmouth looks so peaceful this late at night. The firelights, the dream trees, the flowers that always seem to glow. They all lend an air of magic to the whole place and all Declan can think about is that none of it is really worth it. None of anything their father had was worth it, and now it's all rushing in and catching up to Ronan as well.

The last thing Declan feels is peaceful. Back in Virginia he could manage it all, it was his life's work. But here? He doesn't know if even God himself could get rid of these demons.

Sitting on the front steps of his newly dreamt up house, rubbing at the fresh bruise along his jaw, he is thankful for one thing, at least: the never ending alcohol in this dreamt up flask.]

closed to Gansey

[Declan gives himself a day, because even he has to regroup sometimes and this one's a doozy. If there was something immediate he could do, he'd already be doing it, but demons aren't part of his expertise. Maybe he should have paid better attention in Church. Maybe that's what he needs right now, too.

But other than church, there's Richard Gansey, who always seems to be able to help when Declan can't quite get there. Declan has always been grateful even if it's less than apparent and he knows Gansey must respect him as well, at least for the most part.

After they fought (the briefest of fights, Gansey might actually be proud, only Declan's face showing any signs that one even took place), Ronan filled him in on whatever he could, but he told Declan to ask Gansey the rest. That Gansey was there at the end. The end. Matthew and Ronan coming undone. He isn't ready to hear the rest of this, but he knows he has to be if he wants to figure out what to do about it. Knocking on Gansey's door, he waits for a reply. ]

(lmk if there's anything else you'd like to do that doesn't fit into this scenario, i'm open!)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah. Matthew, too. They both need you.

[ Jesse is fixing Declan with a Look... though, that look softens with a quiet sigh under his breath while he watches Declan pinch the bridge of his nose.

Much more gently: ]

C'mon, man. Just get some rest, okay? And look, I know I'm the last person you probably want hanging 'round, but I'll stay if you need the company. I don't mind.

No, I mean I... I don't want to go in there like this.

[He knows they need him. Of that, he needs no reassurances. What Declan does have an issue with is how well he can usually hold his liquor and truly bad this forever replenishing flask is for him during such trying times.

Without removing his hand from his nose, he glances over at Jesse]

What are you going to do, tuck me in? [And then] I'm sleeping out back by the pool.

[ A 'seriously, bro?' raise of his brows. ]

What, like a hobo? [ And because he knows Declan will likely latch onto that and be an even further dick, Jesse quickly adds: ] And what if Matthew finds you passed out drunk by the pool? How is that in any way gonna look any better?

[It's a good thing Jesse is on the ball with that one, because a retort is about to leave his mouth just as Jesse brings up Matthew. He looks toward the back of the house, then considers his choices]

I'll be up before he even notices.

[And because this decision is too hard, he decides another swig from the fask might be in order, so he opens it up again]

I just want to go home. With my brothers. This is insane. Do you realize how insane all this shit is? Another planet? And we're just supposed to be okay with this. Get used to it, just like that.

[ Jesse's eyes drop to the flask, watching Declan's hands unscrewing the lid for another swig. He knows exactly what that's like: seeking another hit, searching to climb higher into inebriation, frantically looking for escapism in the bulb of meth or the next line of coke. Or, in Declan's case, the next swig of booze.

He lifts his attention back up to Declan's face. ]

I thought the same shit when the Ingress first pulled me in.

[ Trust me, I know exactly what you're going through on THAT level, at the very least. ]

At least your brothers are here with you, though. At least it ain't a case of you being pulled in here alone, while your brothers are left back at home to deal with shit on their own.

[ Like how it was for Ronan when he first wound up here. Jesse leaves that part out, though; he knows Declan doesn't need any further reminders of that right now. ]

[If Declan knew Jesse was comparing the two of them right now, he would be beside himself. Maybe ashamed, even, though Declan doesn't do shame and guilt the way Ronan does. He sees now issue with how drunk he wants to get himself, though]

I know. I know it's not the same. I know.

[He knows how damn lucky he is. It kills him that Ronan had to go through all of it alone. His brothers are here with him, but right now, in his head, he just wants things to be like they were, even though nothing was ending up the way he wanted it to anyway]

I would've switched places with him. I would've done anything to keep him from the shit he went through.

[His thoughts are coming out disjointed now, everything jumbling up in his head]

But you were here. You.

[ Honestly, Jesse wants to just... gently pry the flask out of Declan's hands and just as gently turn him around and lead him inside to his bed. It's where he needs to be: in bed, so he can sleep, so he can try to shut his mind off for a little while.

He tilts his head a little to try and catch Declan's eyes. ]

And now you're here, too. Which I know sucks, but at least Ronan has you here. And Matthew. You're together as a family again. That's gotta count for something, right?

It should count for something, shouldn't it. But you're telling me that he thinks he's an abomination. That he's punishing himself. That he's doing all this shit I tried to veer him away from. That's what you're telling me.

[It's a mess. Declan is a mess and he hates it. This isn't what he does. This isn't who he is. And now this asshole, junkie, idiot that Declan is trying so hard not to hate is right here and all he wants to do is thank him for taking care of his brother, but he doesn't really know what to say]

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with them. But you were here too.

[ Is Declan accusing Jesse? Is he thanking him? Jesse can't tell. He's not sure Declan can tell, either. Declan is a mess. A slurred-speaking, confused, terrified mess. Jesse might not be able to tell if Declan is saying he hates him or is thanking him, but he can tell Declan is falling apart and is terrified.

Declan may very much seem like a 30 year-old who's got his shit together. Right now, though? He's nothing but a terrified 19 year-old boy who doesn't know what to do or who to turn to.

Perhaps it's against Jesse's better judgement, but Jesse moves up to the next step so he's more eye-level with Declan, and he carefully takes hold of Declan's upper arms. ]

Hey. Listen to me. It does count for something. I'm just a guy Ronan happened to meet. I'm not his brother. I only know the shit he's gone through here, not the shit he's gone through back home. I've been tryna encourage him to do more stuff people his age would normally do - y'know, skateboarding, playing video games, just... fun stuff to try and take his mind away from all this dark stuff he gets caught up in - but that's nothing compared to him having his family here, man. And he's been without you both for a long time, and a lot's happened, and none of that is your fault. Okay? None of it.

[Declan doesn't know what he's doing either. Accusing Jesse, thanking him, probably both. Mainly just thanking him now though, he thinks. It's a whole back and forth situation and Jesse is right. At the base of it all, he's just pretty damn terrified.

He's never been so out of his depth before. Not even when he was thrown in thrown in the trunk of his father's car, or handcuffed and made to watch the shit people his father dealt with, ransacking his house, looking for dream things, looking for Ronan. He knew the drill back then. Now? He doesn't know shit.

He looks at Jesse, the anger that was there before, dissipated into something else entirely. Declan doesn't even know what, though. He just watches Jesse, his firm hands on his arms practically holding him up now.]

We've never been apart for this long. Even when we were fighting, we... [He starts, then stops, then shakes his head. A lot has definitely happened. He still feels like it's his own damn fault, but now they're here. He's here with Matthew and Ronan and he wishes his brother would realize that he's not alone anymore. ] Okay.... okay.

[ Jesse is about to tell Declan to stop, c'mon, man, just stop. Take a breath. At Declan realising that himself, Jesse tilts his head a little and studies him with a pensive frown. There are times when Ronan looks so incredibly young - when he's vulnerable, when he's scared, when he's lost. Declan is reminding Jesse so much of Ronan when he's in that state right now. ]

Just the fact that you're here is probably gonna help him way more than you think. [ Tilting his head that bit more to catch Declan's eyes pointedly, to try and drive that point home, even if it's just a little. But then: ] In the meantime, though, I think it's time you hit the pause button on getting drunk and beating yourself up for a little while so you can get some rest, okay?

Not if I keep it up like this.

[Even as drunk as he is, he recognizes that too. He can't keep doing this. One time thing, letting himself fall apart a lot more than he ever lets himself and then tomorrow he's going to get his shit together and be himself again. But Jesse has a point and it does hit home. ]

Yeah, okay.

[He nods, lifting a hand to Jesse's shoulder, giving it a little shake as he clasps his hand on hard, and then he lets out a small, mirthless laugh, holding the flask up with his other hand]

This thing is dangerous.

[ That hard, masculine clasp of Declan's hand on Jesse's shoulder, with that masculine little shake, is such a drunk thing to do. Declan is so wasted. Still, it draws a crooked little smile out of Jesse, and when Declan motions to the evil, never-ending flask-- ]

Yeah. Don't make me confiscate it.

[ Said with gentle wryness. He's not planning on confiscating it; Jesse understands the need to have some kind of substance to block out shit he doesn't want to think about. But honestly, Declan is such a sorry state right now that Jesse can't help feeling sorry for him. This is too much weighing down on this young guy's shoulders. Jesse thinks the same about Ronan, too, all the time.

Letting Declan's arm go, Jesse clasps the guy's wrist and draws his arm up around his shoulders, anchoring it there to steady Declan. ]

C'mon. Let's get you lying down somewhere that ain't by the pool.

Yeah, yeah. You wish.

[Declan doesn't even bother to give Jesse a look. If he confiscated the flask, it would probably be better for him, but at least he's not drinking from it anymore. He tells himself he's never drinking again, but everyone knows how that goes. At least he won't miss his sleeping pills tonight.

Before he can try to take another step up (which probably would have taken another minute or two anyway), Jesse has his arm around his shoulder and Declan's pretty sure no one has ever helped his drunk ass out before. Granted, he can't remember the last time he was this drunk, but even then, he helped himself out. In the back of his mind somewhere, he thinks he's supposed to hate Jesse, but right now he doesn't think the guy is all that bad]

I have a big bed. It's even bigger than the one I had at home. I don't want Ronan to think he has to make shit up to me.

[ Alright, so now he's got Declan walking towards the front door... it's something of a bit of a staggering effort, with Declan leaning heavily on him, considerably taller than Jesse, all intoxicated on his feet, a heavy weight of exhaustion and drunkenness. Another sip from that flask and Jesse is certain Declan will break down into tears. He knows that's where this is dangerously heading. Not that Jesse would judge Declan for that.

Reaching the front door, Jesse twists the doorknob and shoves the door open. He knows what Declan means about not wanting Ronan to think he's got to make things up to Declan, but Jesse decides to opt for a dry joke in amongst all the heaviness of Declan's morose drunken state if only to try and lighten the mood a little: ]

Maybe he dreamed you up a giant ass bed 'cause he knew your giant drunk ass would be sprawling all over it.

[ Shuffling into the house now, with Declan sagging off his shoulders. Jesse almost has to wedge himself sideways to fit the both of them through the door. He throws a quick curious glance around - this place is very unlike anything in Monmouth, with its mod cons and modern finishings - until his attention is drawn towards the staircase leading upstairs. ]

Up that way?

[Has Jesse done this before? Declan wonders, then decides that he probably has. He's pretty good at it, though he knows he probably shouldn't be doing this either. While he's contemplating all of this, he's definitely leaning harder on the other man, letting him lead them both into the house.

It's a very nice house and Declan is still very impressed. Ronan really did think of everything. He's not really as homesick as he was going on about tonight. Nothing ever truly felt like home, but being around Ronan and Matthew always felt like the closest he could ever get to one and they're both here.

He looks at the stairs with mild disdain]

If he was thinking about my drunk ass, he wouldn't have dreamt up those stairs. Yeah, that way.

[ Okay, up those stairs, it is. As it happens, Jesse is very practiced at dragging inebriated and intoxicated people to couches or bed or places they can sprawl out in peace while they sleep it off and sober up. He's done this kind of thing way too many times in his lifetime to count. He's always usually been almost as wasted and intoxicated himself at the time. A rare occurrence that it's him being stone-cold sober and helping some poor wasted jackass to bed.

He plonks his foot on the first step and starts scaling them slowly with Declan hanging off him. In response to Declan's remark: ]

You think? 'Cause I think - urngh, c'mon, watch your step - you seem to be forgetting how much Ronan enjoys making things difficult just for the hell of it. I mean, when I first met - whoa! It's okay, it's okay, I gotcha. [ Pausing to help Declan gather his feet under him. ] Yeah, when I first met Ronan? All he did was make life difficult. He had a smartass comment for everything, and would do shit just to be a dick.

[ And then, Jesse eventually discovered that Ronan is the softest, most loyal creature he's ever met underneath all that hardness and anger and darkness. ]

[Lucky for Jesse, Declan is still standing, walking, managing more or less, even if the stairs look like an entirely daunting task. He doesn't want to wake Matthew, so he tries for quiet as much as he possibly can. So far so good. One step, two step, grabbing onto the banister, watching his step]

How could I ever forget. [He laughs and then nearly falls back a bit, but Jesse's got him] That's Ronan for you. Always trying so hard to be a little badass. Some of it really does come naturally to him, though. He gets such a kick out of being difficult. But you know, he's a good kid. Even when he just goes out and does whatever he wants, at least it's his own life, you know? He wants to be a farmer.

[He doesn't know if Jesse knows, he doesn't really know if what he's saying is making sense either, but he has a lot of feelings about Ronan and they still have what feels like a hundred steps to go]

We used to fight a lot. I was trying to keep things together but I didn't know how when everything changed. I lost them too. My dad and then my mom. We all lost them. I didn't want to lose Ronan too.

[ Jesse wraps an arm around Declan's waist to guide him up the stairs, his other hand gripping Declan's arm around his shoulders. They sway and stagger up the steps, and all the while, Jesse lets Declan ramble. Between Declan's laugh and the way he goes on to talk so candidly, so openly, fondly of Ronan, with all his slurred words and his deep affection for Ronan spilling out - Jesse can't help the smile that tugs on his lips.

The smile fades at what Declan goes on to say. Jesse knows, about the Lynches losing their father, and he knows about their dream mother. He knows they lost everything one night in one fell swoop. Jesse doesn't know all the details, but those are details that already tell him more than enough. They were all kids when they lost their family. Just kids. Jesse can hear the kid still in Declan as he talks about how he lost his parents, how he didn't know how to keep things together. It makes Jesse's heart ache. ]

Jesus... Yet you're so hard on yourself? About shit that ain't even your fault?

[ Jesse has to pause while helping Declan trudge up the final few steps to the second floor landing. But then he pulls Declan to a stop for a moment, and cocks his head to look up at him. ]

Know what I think? I think all three of you - you, Matthew, Ronan - need to do something fun. Like. Together, as a family. Just try and, y'know... Rebuild what you had. I know it won't be the same 'cause I know this ain't home, and I know there's all this other stuff goin' on with Ronan, but... You're together, here, in a place Ronan's created out of love for people he cares about. Ronan's doing what he loves, too; he's a farmer. He's got his friends here. He's got Matthew, who's, like, this giant radiating ball of sunshine and rainbows and happiness. And he's got a pretty awesome big brother who I can tell loves him to death.

[ And to emphasise that point, Jesse lets Declan's wrist go to bump his fist gently against Declan's side with a small, crooked smile. ]

Maybe rebuilding what you guys had'll be the thing that helps veer Ronan away from this dark place he's fallen into. Maybe that'll be the strength he needs to fight this demon.

[Ronan is a lot of frustrating things to Declan, a lot of sleepless nights and worry, some anger and disappointment, until Declan tried to figure out a better way to do things, even if it meant taking a step back. But he's a lot of good things for Declan too. He blames Niall for driving the wedge between them, both before his death and after, and once Declan started settling down, he could see the bigger picture that was and is Ronan.

And still, he knows he only has bits and pieces in some case, because he had to be more of a father most times than a brother. He didn't ask for that, but he knows there wasn't any other way. If he hadn't tried to enforce at least some things, after their parents died, he knows Ronan would have fallen even more to the wayside. That wasn't something Declan could let happen]

It was my responsibility. Always has been.

[He barely notices when they reach the top of the stairs, moving forward has just become an activity while talking. But when they get up there and Jesse stops them, Declan looks at him with glassy eyes. He gets most of what Jesse's saying. The important parts anyway. He's not sure they can rebuild what they had, they're all so different now, but his heart aches with how much he wants to, how good Jesse makes it all sound. Declan kind of hates him for it, but really, he just wants to take those words and put them in Ronan's head somehow. This would be a lot easier if he wasn't drunk... Except not at all, because he wouldn't be saying any of these things to Jesse of all people.]

You know, that's what I think works. When we stick together. That's why I always come back and go to church, so we have that. We need to do that and then have some fun. Matthew's good at having fun.

Edited 2017-04-04 13:29 (UTC)

[ Jesse is in no way religious, but he nods. He knows church matters to Ronan, too. He knows God matters to Ronan. Prayer, faith, contrition. A small smile tugs on Jesse's lips at Declan saying Matthew is good at fun. ]

He is, isn't he? He's like a puppy dog, that kid. [ And Jesse means that in the fondest way possible. ] Maybe ask Matthew what he'd like to do. Get Matthew to rope Ronan into it. Go to church. Pray. Do stuff that you guys did as a family back at home. Then, yeah. Have some fun. Just... enjoy being together, even if you all wind up drivin' each other nuts. It's a start, y'know?

Don't know what I'd do without him. Without either of them.

[And that's really the truth of it all. He's Declan, a take charge, highly motivated, charmimg, all around respectable guy... who is nothing without his brothers]

Yeah... yeah, that's all good. We'll do all of that stuff and then go the lake. There's a rope swing there, I know Matthew would probably try to get us all to go there. I have to make sure he knows we're OK. That we're staying together. That'll help Ronan too, that's what you said, isn't it?

[Hopefully he'll remember this in the morning]

[ Jesse will remind Declan in the morning... or whenever Declan needs reminding. Jesse has a feeling Declan will probably need a lot of reminding. Maybe that's because Declan just needs someone looking out for him while he's so caught up trying to look out for his brothers.

Jesse gives Declan a soft, thin-lipped smile. Such a odd thing that he'd be smiling softly at the guy who gave him the swollen bruise mottled on his cheek. ]

Yeah. It will. I'm sure of it.

[ Even if it helps just a little bit. Every little bit will help. Ronan needs to be given reasons to live, and his brothers are a huge reason. Jesse knows Ronan does know this, but... Maybe he needs to be shown it, too.

Hand lifting back up to snag Declan's wrist, once again to keep his arm anchored around Jesse's neck, Jesse urges Declan to keep moving. All the swaying and off-kilter leaning against Jesse that Declan is doing is growing heavy on Jesse's scrawny body. ]

C'mon, which way to your room, yo? Before you pass out on me.

[If Jesse were to tell Declan his brilliant plan of looking out for him, Declan would laugh. Even now, Declan would laugh, because he knows things work like that. He knows that he only has himself to rely on with most things and every once in a while his brothers will listen to him and make things a little easier.

He definitely never thought he'd be getting comforting words and advice from the guy he tried to beat up just the other day]

Good. You would know. You've been here with him all these months.

[And those words, unlike the earlier ones, aren't ambiguous at all. Jesse was here, Ronan said he took care of him and Declan can't really be mad about that, even if there was some fucked up shit happening on the wayside.

It takes Declan a moment to remember where his room is. The place is new and his inebriation is wearing down on him.
He remembers where Matthew's room is before he remembers where his is, so he figures it's at the other end of the hallway and he points]

That way.

[ Looking to where Declan points, Jesse starts guiding him down the hallways towards the door. His mind turns over the way Declan had just said that: Good. You would know. You've been here with him all these months. Even though this guy had barged into his room the other day, punched his face in, scared the shit out of Jesse, left Jesse thinking he was going to have broken bones and a broken face... Jesse's heart squeezes with a small ache for him. Jesse knows it should have been Declan, and Matthew, that should have been here all these months with Ronan, not himself. Maybe none of this stuff with Adam, which is what's at the core of why Ronan is the way he currently is, if it had been his brothers here instead of Jesse.

Reaching the door, he pushes it open, and he staggers slowly across to the bed. After yanking the bedsheets down, he tips Declan down gently onto the mattress, himself winding up slumping down onto the bed next to him under Declan's weight with a creak of bed springs. He unwraps Declan's arm from around his shoulders, and slips free, climbing to his feet to stoop down and grasp Declan's ankles. He swings his legs up onto the bed until he's stretched out on his back, and then he's moving up to the head of the bed to help stuff the pillow more comfortably under Declan's head.

Jesse stands tall once he's got Declan settled, and he peers down at him. The guy looks so small and rumpled; a weary, vulnerable thing carrying the world on his shoulders. Nothing like the ferocious, determined hardass that had charged into Jesse's room the other day. ]

Wanna be left alone or d'you want company? I don't mind either way.