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Who: Declan & St. Monmouth folks, or anyone.
When: late March
Where: St. Monmouth
What: Declan realizes that even running away to another planet doesn't solve any of his problems.
Warnings: language. will update as threads progress

[Monmouth looks so peaceful this late at night. The firelights, the dream trees, the flowers that always seem to glow. They all lend an air of magic to the whole place and all Declan can think about is that none of it is really worth it. None of anything their father had was worth it, and now it's all rushing in and catching up to Ronan as well.

The last thing Declan feels is peaceful. Back in Virginia he could manage it all, it was his life's work. But here? He doesn't know if even God himself could get rid of these demons.

Sitting on the front steps of his newly dreamt up house, rubbing at the fresh bruise along his jaw, he is thankful for one thing, at least: the never ending alcohol in this dreamt up flask.]

closed to Gansey

[Declan gives himself a day, because even he has to regroup sometimes and this one's a doozy. If there was something immediate he could do, he'd already be doing it, but demons aren't part of his expertise. Maybe he should have paid better attention in Church. Maybe that's what he needs right now, too.

But other than church, there's Richard Gansey, who always seems to be able to help when Declan can't quite get there. Declan has always been grateful even if it's less than apparent and he knows Gansey must respect him as well, at least for the most part.

After they fought (the briefest of fights, Gansey might actually be proud, only Declan's face showing any signs that one even took place), Ronan filled him in on whatever he could, but he told Declan to ask Gansey the rest. That Gansey was there at the end. The end. Matthew and Ronan coming undone. He isn't ready to hear the rest of this, but he knows he has to be if he wants to figure out what to do about it. Knocking on Gansey's door, he waits for a reply. ]

(lmk if there's anything else you'd like to do that doesn't fit into this scenario, i'm open!)

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[Has Jesse done this before? Declan wonders, then decides that he probably has. He's pretty good at it, though he knows he probably shouldn't be doing this either. While he's contemplating all of this, he's definitely leaning harder on the other man, letting him lead them both into the house.

It's a very nice house and Declan is still very impressed. Ronan really did think of everything. He's not really as homesick as he was going on about tonight. Nothing ever truly felt like home, but being around Ronan and Matthew always felt like the closest he could ever get to one and they're both here.

He looks at the stairs with mild disdain]

If he was thinking about my drunk ass, he wouldn't have dreamt up those stairs. Yeah, that way.

[ Okay, up those stairs, it is. As it happens, Jesse is very practiced at dragging inebriated and intoxicated people to couches or bed or places they can sprawl out in peace while they sleep it off and sober up. He's done this kind of thing way too many times in his lifetime to count. He's always usually been almost as wasted and intoxicated himself at the time. A rare occurrence that it's him being stone-cold sober and helping some poor wasted jackass to bed.

He plonks his foot on the first step and starts scaling them slowly with Declan hanging off him. In response to Declan's remark: ]

You think? 'Cause I think - urngh, c'mon, watch your step - you seem to be forgetting how much Ronan enjoys making things difficult just for the hell of it. I mean, when I first met - whoa! It's okay, it's okay, I gotcha. [ Pausing to help Declan gather his feet under him. ] Yeah, when I first met Ronan? All he did was make life difficult. He had a smartass comment for everything, and would do shit just to be a dick.

[ And then, Jesse eventually discovered that Ronan is the softest, most loyal creature he's ever met underneath all that hardness and anger and darkness. ]

[Lucky for Jesse, Declan is still standing, walking, managing more or less, even if the stairs look like an entirely daunting task. He doesn't want to wake Matthew, so he tries for quiet as much as he possibly can. So far so good. One step, two step, grabbing onto the banister, watching his step]

How could I ever forget. [He laughs and then nearly falls back a bit, but Jesse's got him] That's Ronan for you. Always trying so hard to be a little badass. Some of it really does come naturally to him, though. He gets such a kick out of being difficult. But you know, he's a good kid. Even when he just goes out and does whatever he wants, at least it's his own life, you know? He wants to be a farmer.

[He doesn't know if Jesse knows, he doesn't really know if what he's saying is making sense either, but he has a lot of feelings about Ronan and they still have what feels like a hundred steps to go]

We used to fight a lot. I was trying to keep things together but I didn't know how when everything changed. I lost them too. My dad and then my mom. We all lost them. I didn't want to lose Ronan too.

[ Jesse wraps an arm around Declan's waist to guide him up the stairs, his other hand gripping Declan's arm around his shoulders. They sway and stagger up the steps, and all the while, Jesse lets Declan ramble. Between Declan's laugh and the way he goes on to talk so candidly, so openly, fondly of Ronan, with all his slurred words and his deep affection for Ronan spilling out - Jesse can't help the smile that tugs on his lips.

The smile fades at what Declan goes on to say. Jesse knows, about the Lynches losing their father, and he knows about their dream mother. He knows they lost everything one night in one fell swoop. Jesse doesn't know all the details, but those are details that already tell him more than enough. They were all kids when they lost their family. Just kids. Jesse can hear the kid still in Declan as he talks about how he lost his parents, how he didn't know how to keep things together. It makes Jesse's heart ache. ]

Jesus... Yet you're so hard on yourself? About shit that ain't even your fault?

[ Jesse has to pause while helping Declan trudge up the final few steps to the second floor landing. But then he pulls Declan to a stop for a moment, and cocks his head to look up at him. ]

Know what I think? I think all three of you - you, Matthew, Ronan - need to do something fun. Like. Together, as a family. Just try and, y'know... Rebuild what you had. I know it won't be the same 'cause I know this ain't home, and I know there's all this other stuff goin' on with Ronan, but... You're together, here, in a place Ronan's created out of love for people he cares about. Ronan's doing what he loves, too; he's a farmer. He's got his friends here. He's got Matthew, who's, like, this giant radiating ball of sunshine and rainbows and happiness. And he's got a pretty awesome big brother who I can tell loves him to death.

[ And to emphasise that point, Jesse lets Declan's wrist go to bump his fist gently against Declan's side with a small, crooked smile. ]

Maybe rebuilding what you guys had'll be the thing that helps veer Ronan away from this dark place he's fallen into. Maybe that'll be the strength he needs to fight this demon.

[Ronan is a lot of frustrating things to Declan, a lot of sleepless nights and worry, some anger and disappointment, until Declan tried to figure out a better way to do things, even if it meant taking a step back. But he's a lot of good things for Declan too. He blames Niall for driving the wedge between them, both before his death and after, and once Declan started settling down, he could see the bigger picture that was and is Ronan.

And still, he knows he only has bits and pieces in some case, because he had to be more of a father most times than a brother. He didn't ask for that, but he knows there wasn't any other way. If he hadn't tried to enforce at least some things, after their parents died, he knows Ronan would have fallen even more to the wayside. That wasn't something Declan could let happen]

It was my responsibility. Always has been.

[He barely notices when they reach the top of the stairs, moving forward has just become an activity while talking. But when they get up there and Jesse stops them, Declan looks at him with glassy eyes. He gets most of what Jesse's saying. The important parts anyway. He's not sure they can rebuild what they had, they're all so different now, but his heart aches with how much he wants to, how good Jesse makes it all sound. Declan kind of hates him for it, but really, he just wants to take those words and put them in Ronan's head somehow. This would be a lot easier if he wasn't drunk... Except not at all, because he wouldn't be saying any of these things to Jesse of all people.]

You know, that's what I think works. When we stick together. That's why I always come back and go to church, so we have that. We need to do that and then have some fun. Matthew's good at having fun.

Edited 2017-04-04 13:29 (UTC)

[ Jesse is in no way religious, but he nods. He knows church matters to Ronan, too. He knows God matters to Ronan. Prayer, faith, contrition. A small smile tugs on Jesse's lips at Declan saying Matthew is good at fun. ]

He is, isn't he? He's like a puppy dog, that kid. [ And Jesse means that in the fondest way possible. ] Maybe ask Matthew what he'd like to do. Get Matthew to rope Ronan into it. Go to church. Pray. Do stuff that you guys did as a family back at home. Then, yeah. Have some fun. Just... enjoy being together, even if you all wind up drivin' each other nuts. It's a start, y'know?

Don't know what I'd do without him. Without either of them.

[And that's really the truth of it all. He's Declan, a take charge, highly motivated, charmimg, all around respectable guy... who is nothing without his brothers]

Yeah... yeah, that's all good. We'll do all of that stuff and then go the lake. There's a rope swing there, I know Matthew would probably try to get us all to go there. I have to make sure he knows we're OK. That we're staying together. That'll help Ronan too, that's what you said, isn't it?

[Hopefully he'll remember this in the morning]

[ Jesse will remind Declan in the morning... or whenever Declan needs reminding. Jesse has a feeling Declan will probably need a lot of reminding. Maybe that's because Declan just needs someone looking out for him while he's so caught up trying to look out for his brothers.

Jesse gives Declan a soft, thin-lipped smile. Such a odd thing that he'd be smiling softly at the guy who gave him the swollen bruise mottled on his cheek. ]

Yeah. It will. I'm sure of it.

[ Even if it helps just a little bit. Every little bit will help. Ronan needs to be given reasons to live, and his brothers are a huge reason. Jesse knows Ronan does know this, but... Maybe he needs to be shown it, too.

Hand lifting back up to snag Declan's wrist, once again to keep his arm anchored around Jesse's neck, Jesse urges Declan to keep moving. All the swaying and off-kilter leaning against Jesse that Declan is doing is growing heavy on Jesse's scrawny body. ]

C'mon, which way to your room, yo? Before you pass out on me.

[If Jesse were to tell Declan his brilliant plan of looking out for him, Declan would laugh. Even now, Declan would laugh, because he knows things work like that. He knows that he only has himself to rely on with most things and every once in a while his brothers will listen to him and make things a little easier.

He definitely never thought he'd be getting comforting words and advice from the guy he tried to beat up just the other day]

Good. You would know. You've been here with him all these months.

[And those words, unlike the earlier ones, aren't ambiguous at all. Jesse was here, Ronan said he took care of him and Declan can't really be mad about that, even if there was some fucked up shit happening on the wayside.

It takes Declan a moment to remember where his room is. The place is new and his inebriation is wearing down on him.
He remembers where Matthew's room is before he remembers where his is, so he figures it's at the other end of the hallway and he points]

That way.

[ Looking to where Declan points, Jesse starts guiding him down the hallways towards the door. His mind turns over the way Declan had just said that: Good. You would know. You've been here with him all these months. Even though this guy had barged into his room the other day, punched his face in, scared the shit out of Jesse, left Jesse thinking he was going to have broken bones and a broken face... Jesse's heart squeezes with a small ache for him. Jesse knows it should have been Declan, and Matthew, that should have been here all these months with Ronan, not himself. Maybe none of this stuff with Adam, which is what's at the core of why Ronan is the way he currently is, if it had been his brothers here instead of Jesse.

Reaching the door, he pushes it open, and he staggers slowly across to the bed. After yanking the bedsheets down, he tips Declan down gently onto the mattress, himself winding up slumping down onto the bed next to him under Declan's weight with a creak of bed springs. He unwraps Declan's arm from around his shoulders, and slips free, climbing to his feet to stoop down and grasp Declan's ankles. He swings his legs up onto the bed until he's stretched out on his back, and then he's moving up to the head of the bed to help stuff the pillow more comfortably under Declan's head.

Jesse stands tall once he's got Declan settled, and he peers down at him. The guy looks so small and rumpled; a weary, vulnerable thing carrying the world on his shoulders. Nothing like the ferocious, determined hardass that had charged into Jesse's room the other day. ]

Wanna be left alone or d'you want company? I don't mind either way.

[Tomorrow might be a whole different story, but Declan isn't seeing all that threatening bullshit he saw in Jesse earlier. Not that he's threatening in all his standing glory, but Declan knows it can take a lot less to bring someone down. But now? Jesse doesn't remind Declan of Kavinsky all that much, and that really does make a huge difference.

Jesse was here, and more or less kept Ronan in one piece. He did what Declan couldn't do... even if Declan wasnt here to do it and can't really blame himself for it. He kinda does. As for Adam, he hasn't even touched the surface of all of that yet.

When they get to his room, Declan lets Jesse lead him to bed without argument. His brain is slow, or he might put up some kind of protest at how much god damn babying Jesse is doing, laying him down, fixing his pillow, being monumentally far too caring for someone who just got punched and slammed around by him.

Declan doesn't know whether he should feel comforted or alarmed by this, but he's so settled that it doesn't really matter right now]

I fucking hate being alone. [He rubs at his face. Then realizes that's probably the most ridiculous thing he's ever said] You probably have things to do and people to get back to.

[ Jesse tilts his head and peers down at Declan scrubbing his face with such drunken sluggishness. Jesse knows what that feels like - he hates being alone, too, even when he knows it's something he deserves. ]

Nah. I can stick around if you want.

[ And with that, he moves back down to the end of the bed, and though he's absolutely certain Declan would hate being tended to, he takes hold of Declan's foot to pry off one shoe, which he drops to the floor, and then pries off the other. Then he's grabbing the bedsheets and throwing it over Declan.

He tells Declan he'll be back in a minute, and he slips out of the room to disappear back downstairs. Five or so minutes later, he's returning to Declan's room, a glass of water in one hand and a couple of painkillers in the other which he found from rummaging through the various cupboards. He sets the glass down, and the painkillers, for when Declan wakes up.

Standing tall, he looks down at Declan again. ]

Want me to go check on Matthew?

[Declan probably deserves it too. That's what he's thinking right now. He could have done a better job somewhere along the line, but he didn't and now he's here. At least he's with his brother's, though. That's all that really matters in the end.

If he wants, Jesse says. Declan has no idea what he wants right now, but it's probably better that he's completely inebriated, because then he doesn't have to punch Jesse in the face again, for taking off his shoes, or actually
tucking him in.

So he doesn't say anything, and he's kind of half asleep when Jesse comes back with painkillers and water, but he does wake up, because full on sleep has never been his thing]

No. He's fine. He sleeps like a log. Don't want him to think anything is wrong... not that anything is wrong. Everything's fine.

[ Well... okay. For now, Jesse will leave Matthew be. He gives a brief acquiescing nod and pulls his lips into a thin line that's not quite a smile but not unfriendly, either. Then, as he pushes his hands into his pockets, he glances around Declan's room. Jesse knows this is absolutely not a place Declan would want him to be anywhere near in a sober state of mind. 'I fucking hate being alone', Declan had said, though. And as much as Jesse has no right to be that person to help Declan feel less alone... who else does Declan have right now?

So, slowly, Jesse heads around the end of Declan's bed, until he's around the other side. He sinks down just as slowly on the edge, hands still in his pockets, and he turns his head to look over at Declan. ]

You okay?

[ Not a question about Declan's drunken state so much as a question about... everything Declan had wound up confiding in him about. How worried he is about Ronan. How lost he is. It's a subtle question checking in on how Declan is feeling. ]

[He knows enough to take the painkillers and drink down some water, but if it was any other time, he'd be kicking himself for being this damn open with someone he really knows nothing about, letting someone practically random help him out. It's not like him, but nothing seems to be like him in this place. That's what's running through his head, anyway.

When he settles back down, he glances over at Jesse, not really having the immediate urge to kick him out, because it just seems like too much trouble and he's so damn tired]

Why are you asking me that? Do I look like I'm not okay?

[No one ever asks him if he's okay. The question is just baffling to him]

[ There's something incredibly sad about the way Declan answers with that. Not pathetic sad. Just... sad. That he's this guy who's barely a kid with so much to worry about and so alone, and he's asking why Jesse would ask if he's okay.

Jesse gives a small one-shouldered shrug while studying him. ]

Just wanna make sure you're okay, is all.

[It's then that Declan realizes how completely outlandish this situation is, and he lets out a small laughs, covering his face for a moment, then drags his fingers through his hair]

Sure. Yeah. I'm great. This is what I came here for, right? To be a useless, drunk, dick. I'm sure my dad would be so damn proud of me. I did a great job.

[His hand moves back down his face, fingers pressing at his eyes]

Why are you even here? I broke your face.

[ Oh, come on, man, Jesse wants to gently chide. Declan isn't useless. He's drunk, yes, and he's a dick, absolutely, but he's not useless. He's... helpless. There's a huge difference.

Funny the way he mentions his dad like that, though. That's exactly how Jesse's dad would have been towards him, too: You disappointed me again, son. I don't know why I bother. Why can't you ever get your act together?

Jesse sighs quietly under his breath. Why is he here? ]

You were just looking out for Ronan. I ain't gonna hold that against you, man.

Edited 2017-04-06 04:53 (UTC)

[Their fathers were probably a hell of a lot alike. Niall only really treated Declan like that, though and at the time, Declan could do nothing else but take it.

The worst part, Declan imagines, is that no matter how hard their father's death was, on all of them, there was a moment when Declan breathed out a sigh of relief. Thank God. He may never forgive himself for that, as true as it may have been]

I can see why he likes you.

[Words that may never be uttered by Declan Lynch again and will probably be fully denied in the morning. But if Jesse isn't going to hold a good punch in the face against him, because he understands that Declan was just looking out for Ronan? That definitely says a lot.]

I can see why he wants you.

[Half mumbled words as his eyes close and his breathing grows heavy as he starts falling into a restless sleep]

[ They're words Jesse doesn't expect. He swallows, wondering with a small flood of shameful dread how much Declan knows about that second part. At the same time, though... It makes Jesse's heart twist with a small ache.

He remains watching Declan, listening to his breathing evening out, watching his chest rise and fall deeper and deeper, and it's only when he hears the smallest grunt of a drunken snore that he finally looks away.

He's dying for a smoke. He doesn't want to wake Declan, though, either, by leaving the room. And he doesn't want to leave Declan alone. So, for the longest time - twenty minutes, maybe half an hour - Jesse just sits there on the side of Declan's bed, fidgeting his hands and fingers together, occasionally jiggling his leg, while mulling over everything that's been said since Jesse approached Declan's place.

Eventually, he very quietly gets up and retreats from the room. He closes the door softly after him. Creeping quietly across the hallway, he locates Matthew's room, and he cracks the door open just enough to peek in to make sure the kid is alright. Sound asleep, like Declan said he would be. Jesse shuts the door softly.

Quietly making his way downstairs, Jesse ducks outside, where he pulls out his smokes and gratefully lights a cigarette, and smokes it pensively while staring into the dark night. He smokes another, then one last one, chain-smoking them one after the other, and then he lets himself back into the house, and he wonders what to do.

In the end, he ends up sitting on an armchair in the living room. He'll stay just for a bit longer, he tells himself, just in case Declan wakes up and needs the company. Or in case he wakes up and needs help getting to the bathroom to puke his guts up, with how much he drank. Giving Declan space by staying down here instead of up in his room, but not leaving altogether. Just in case.

Jesse doesn't mean to fall fast asleep, but he does. Slouched in the seat, knees spread, head lolled to the side against his shoulder with one arm dangling over the armrest. He winds up sleeping there all night. ]

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