thisavrou_log | I'm killing every second 'til it sees my soul. [ Closed ]

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I'm killing every second 'til it sees my soul. [ Closed ]

Who: Nathan ~~Fisher~~ Drake, Elena Fisher, Adrien Arbuckal
When: After things have settled down
Where: Observation Deck
What: Apologizing for being a mercurial dick
Warnings: Possible discussion of genocide, murder, angst, discussion of party planet induced accidental sexy time voyeurism.

After he finished texting Nate Adrien dropped his hands and slid them into the pockets of his trousers.

He was already at the observation deck, staring out across the vastness of space, now wrapped around the Moira once again. Courser sat beside him, right against his left leg, tail curled primly around his paws as he also watched the passage of little specks of light.

Still dressed in his medical uniform, labcoat swinging down almost to the back of his knees, Adrien glanced down at the bahari.

"You have got to stop pouting about not being allowed in the aquarium. Those are Andyr's fish, not your personal snack bowl."

The bahari sneezed; unimpressed.

Adrien rolled his eyes and turned his attention back out towards the view. He still wasn't entirely sure how far he'd go with this. Part of him wanted to lay it all out to them and an equally vocal part insisted he didn't have to go into details. Just apologize for being a mercurial dick and move on.

...

Might be good to apologize for the whole inappropriate voyeurism as well. That should probably be a thing. By the Fates, he loathed social functions.

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Nate had a pretty good idea of what this was about, or thought he did. Adrien had seen Elena naked before in clinical contexts, but back in party town, he'd caught them having sex. And they hadn't stopped when they'd noticed his presence.

So that was a little awkward, in theory. In practice, Nate had spent so much time stressing himself out so hard after he'd come out of the fog and no one had believed his claims of being drugged that getting caught getting busy with his wife wasn't something he dwelled on. And then Adrien had been rather...terse at him over the MID, but he was even less inclined to worry about that. It was understandable.

He wasn't so sure about how Elena felt, but she was here with him, for what that was worth. Nate nudged her shoulder as they approached the observation deck.

"Hey. You all right?"

She was lost in her thoughts, walking alongside her husband, arms hugged to her chest. Many thoughts— the party, the drugged state she'd supposedly been in with everyone else, the antidote they'd been given. Even how she remembered getting partly upset with Nathan over it, like he was ruining their "fun". Of course there was the whole thing with Adrien, but that was a different story.

Elena blinked and lifted her head, looking at him. "What? Hey. Sorry. I'm just..." She gave a gesture to her head. "Guess I'm distracted, I don't know. Alot has happened."

Which included keeping any talk and face time with the doctor to a minimum, as hard as that was when she worked now in Medbay.

Seemed there was always alot happening as of late.

"You? How're you feeling?"

A lot had happened...and also not much. People had partied, bonded, played games and enjoyed themselves. Plenty to fill up an evening or few. Except a year had passed and what did any of them have to show for it?

"I'm okay." He shrugs as they continue down the hall. "Honestly, if it were up to me, I'd skip all this. After spending a week or so freaking out about the entire crew being drugged but not knowing how, remembering that Adrien caught us screwing doesn't seem so important."

Almost everyone else had had the benefit of being relaxed the whole time. Of course, that meant that when they came out of it, they had more to think about.

"Be nice if we pretended it never happened, but if he wants to apologize or something..."

"Not to you but I'm still pretty uh— mortified. That's a good word. I'll go with that." It was the best way she could describe it.

Elena sighed and scrubbed a hand up her cheek. Hearing an apology would only make things...weird. There shouldn't be any apologies, better to pretend it didn't happen, and move on. But that could all change once they started talking again. It was up in the air on what Adrien was calling them down for but eventually they might laugh it off and things would be good again.

This was just as awkward as when she and Tony had come out of cryo together.

"Guess that's what we get for needing to have sex behind a bush and not finding some kind of a hut."

He could understand that, for sure. If things were different, if he'd gotten the antidote at the same time as everyone else? He'd probably feel the same.

"Yeah, well. I needed you pretty bad." He gave her a small smile and reached out to squeeze her hand. "The drugs might have helped us along, but they didn't cause that feeling."

If he had to do it again, would he still get busy behind a bush? Maybe. Just, maybe he'd find a more secluded bush.

Her fingers laced with his, the line to her shoulders not as tense. She was definitely more relaxed now, and hearing that helped. Nate had a way of both soothing her and riling her up (in both a good and bad way), she suspected it was the same for him with her. They made a damn good pair, balanced each other out.

"We do have a lot of time to make up for still, plus we're a year older now." Still unbelievable. "Probably doesn't help though to tell you that I maaaaaaaaybe need you right now when it'll have to wait."

Squeezing his hand she gives him a wink.

Older and...probably not much wiser, really. Maybe more distinguished. He could check for gray hairs later.

"Oh, it helps. It gives me something to look forward to." He ducked down to give her a quick kiss. "Come on. Let's get this awkwardness out of the way and then you can show me how much you need me."

And vice versa. Because it totally went both ways.

"Sounds like a plan." One of the better ones they've had all day.

Elena smiles because of the kiss, because of the small talk, because of what is going to happen after this, and she begins mulling over the where and how of executing the plan. Of course this is all as they reach the deck and she does the honors of press ing the button to open the doors.

"Forgot how much of a temperature drop it is up here..." And she's without her heated wrap, not that she needs it but it's nice to have for the extra warmth.

It was one of the best plans he'd come up with in at least a month. Any plan where they got laid was.

"Good thing you have me, then." He slung an arm around her shoulders as they stepped inside. "Come on. Let's get this out of the way and then we can move on to more productive things."

For given values of productive.

[ It was Courser who alerted to their presence first. The bahari swung his head around and looked over his shoulder towards the pair, though he made no movement away from his companion's left leg.

The tracker's action was enough, however. Well, okay that and the way the door opening was reflected in the glass Adrien currently stared through. ]

Thank you for coming. [ He said in a quiet tone, the cheerful man at the party now long gone and he did little more than turn his head slightly to glance over his shoulder towards them. ] I wasn't sure you would.

[ Was that his way of trying to point out how she'd been going about and keeping talk small around Medbay? He would be a little more blunt and obvious than that. ]

Is everything all right?

[ Elena moved out from under Nate's arm, hands tucked in her front pockets as she stepped closer to the large window. ]

[Yeah, probably a good idea not to get too touchy-feely in front of Adrien. He's seen too much of that already.

Nate just strolls inside behind Elena, giving the doctor a nod and waiting to hear what he has to say.]

I suppose that depends upon what benchmark you use to define 'all right'. [ Adrien remarked in a dry tone.

He wouldn't play dumb for long though. He understood what she meant and after a breath, he turned to face the pair of them, hands folded behind him at the small of his back.

Though his words had been directed towards Elena and answering her question, his eyes came to rest on Nate's face as he directed his next words towards the other man. ]

I texted you and asked you to come here so I could offer you an apology for being sharp over the network the other day. [ Granted, he'd signed off before he could get too rude, but even that sign off had been a step too far. ] You were right, down on the planet and more importantly it wasn't your problem that the rest of us wouldn't listen.

I had no right to take my frustration at the reveal of the situation out on you and I'm sorry.

[Currently, Nate would take 'not being drugged to the gills by good-time aliens' as an acceptable definition of 'all right,' but he's pretty sure Adrien doesn't. He listens instead of waving Adrien off, as he's sure the doctor wants him to, but when he does respond, it's the same thing he would have said anyway.]

You're forgiven. Seriously, I wasn't bothered. If I'd been in your place, I might have acted the same. It's sheer luck that I came out of it on my own.

[ Adrien gave a small nod, accepting Nate's forgiveness even as he might have looked like he wasn't entirely convinced. But he wasn't going to press. To press would simply be self serving, wanting to hear the words again and that would be rude.

Instead, he wavered.

When he'd asked Nate to bring Elena with him, it had been to explain at least a little further, to the two of them a little bit of why he'd been difficult. Now that he was face to face with them, that resolve wavered and he considered just letting it go. They might wonder why he'd invited Elena but he could come up with a quick cover story and life could just ... proceed apace.

Cover story. AKA a lie and you weren't supposed to lie to ffffffriends.

'Adrien. If you can't trust anyone, then how do you expect to face the future?'

The words echoed in his head and before he could squirm away from it, he pushed a hand through his hair and blurted out. ]

I was supposed to be home by now. A year, lost. I was supposed to have helped get this ship where it's going and gotten back to a war ... a war to stop my previous employers.

[ In some way, Elena felt like she was intruding. This felt like it was a discussion more aimed to her husband and she was half tempted to sander off down the deck to let the men talk. She remained off to the side and let her gaze linger off to the unknown beyond the windows, arms crossed now as the chill on the deck was beginning to settle in. She only glanced over at them when they started to talk about what Nathan had known; Elena understood completely what Adrien was thinking and trying to say, she'd also been drugged and had been one of the many who'd scoffed and laughed in Nate's face when he was only trying to look out for everyone.

Beginning to turn away from them, she found herself turning back to them. A year, lost. It was unnerving that they'd been on the Moira for that long already. ]

We were all hoping for the same thing. Home. [ To get closer to that future of having a beautiful dark haired daughter who's hair lightened the older she grew. ] But...what do you mean by war...?

[ Was that the reason he always kept a gun on him? She'd seen it more than once, and it was hard to miss whenever his jacket pulled against it, adding to the outline. ]

[ When she spoke, Adrien’s eyes shifted towards Elena and he watched her face for a long breath. What would her expression be like when he’d finished what he was about to say? He could picture the disgust and it caused his stomach to twist in a way he wasn’t used to; the anticipation of guilt.

Not for the first time, he fought with the desire to drop the subject and escape. Coward his mind whispered, his jaw clenching against the accusation. At his side, Courser stood and paced, placing his sleek body between Adrien, Nate and Elena. The normally laid back bahari’s body language was tense; his sharp eyes watching the couple with a hint of feral ferocity but a soft word from Adrien drew the creature back to his side.

He quickly dropped his hand to the tracker’s large and colorful ear, seeking to steady them both. ]

You have no idea how much I don’t want to say … any of this. [ He admitted softly. ] But a very good friend once told me, how was I going to face the future … if I couldn’t trust anyone.

[ Taking a deep breath, he braced his feet slightly apart and looked back up and towards them both, arms crossing over his chest. ]

They’re known as the Cosmic Demolition Corporation, and I will reference them as HQ going forward. They came for us across countless dimensions, recruiters who came to a recruit’s home world and they made all of us an offer.

[ He paused, thinking back to his own recruitment, what he'd heard from others. ]

It might have been something you were desperate for, the return of a dead love one, protection for loved ones in trouble, untold riches ... they knew what lay deep in your heart and they offered it; in exchange, you signed a contract that consigned you to their ranks.

It wasn’t like what happened with the Ingress, where we were pulled through by accident. It wasn’t until I signed my contract that I was taken. There was no duress, except what existed in my life that rendered me vulnerable enough to agree.

[ Perhaps, another time, if they were all still speaking after this, Adrien might explain why he’d been in a place so low in his life that signing his soul away seemed a good idea at the time. It had been a dark, grief driven depression that rode him even now and drove him to do things that were at best labeled self-destructive. ]

The recruiters were good at their job. There were a lot of sketchy elements, such as a very vague understanding of just what we were signing on to do. HQ wasn't shy about pointing out 'Cosmic Demolition Corporation' what did we expect? But I think, especially when offered the relief from a deep pain, that the mind always pays strict attention to the warning signals. There are some things the mind doesn't want to imagine.

[ At least, any sane mind. ]

We were airdropped onto a planet all Ajna. Split into three groups and landing in three different areas of the planet with only a beacon on our cuffs to direct us where we were supposed to go. We had only the equipment we could carry with us, a singular gun, a knife, some food and clothing.

My group dropped in an area that forced us to cross a frozen river, in which there were these odd shark like creatures that were both aquatic and terrestrial; tasty too. But that didn’t change matters. It didn’t take us long to realize what was happening; a cull.

Recruits who couldn't hack it were either killed or we worked together as a team to pull our weakest links with us until we got to base camp.

This effectively set the tone of much of the training. We were broken out into four teams and each team was tested along lines specific to their function within the crew as a whole. You either stepped up or you suffered, and punishments ran from scathing remarks to having your cuff shut off and if an entire team failed, the entire team suffered.

[ Shifting his arm, he lifted the one that held his MID. ]

On Ajna, the cuff was your connection to all life support. The planet, all the planets for that matter, which we landed on were not oxygen rich or in any way hospitable to humans or humanoids, and without our cuffs, death was slow and painful.

One of the teams, as a whole, suffered failures on a training test. Their cuffs were shut off for 30 to 45 seconds, depending upon performance.

[ Lowering his arm, Adrien folded both of them back behind himself now, into a sort of parade rest position. ]

I'm not telling you this for sympathy or pity. I'm telling you this because I am trying to explain to you the stakes. We learned very early on that disobedience was met with extreme punishment. Extreme disobedience, complete refusal to work with the crew would result not only in death but the extermination of your home world.
We witnessed that happen to one of the crew who openly disobeyed the Captain and the CDC HQ.

This weirdly named corporation had the ability, the reach and the utter ruthlessness to destroy everything tied to a disobedient recruit. That's what was put in the very very very fine print of the contract.

Also in the fine print, was the rule that you survived or fell as a crew.

Early on, we were witness to an attempt made against HQ by another ship. The Almina. This covert attempt was perpetrated only by a small percentage of the crew. HQ retrieved a few individuals who reported the attempt, put the rest in chains in the hold of the ship and, making sure their other ships witnessed it and they obliterated the ship. [ Here, Adrien paused and perhaps it was obvious, that the memory affected him. He pushed a hand into the pocket of the labcoat he wore, fingering something within but after a moment he took a breath, settled himself and continued. ] Thousands, paid for the actions of a handful. HQ was ... big on their object lessons, including the reminder that they had eyes and ears everywhere.

[ Turning slightly, he looked out through the glass towards the vastness of space beyond. ]

The situation slowly but steadily became painfully clear. We were up against a god power, with infinite reach and ruthless disregard for any planet, any species. I went up to one of their ports, there were … hundreds of ships the size of ours and bigger, thousands, tens of thousands of beings; all manner of species. [ The latter words drifted off into a whisper. ] Cosmic … was too small a word for it.

[ Lowering his eyes, he glanced towards his pocket for a moment, before obviously making himself turn back towards Nate and Elena, shoulders squaring. ]

Taking this entity on, head on and from the outside, was suicide and not just for you but for anyone connected to you. They didn’t kill individuals, they obliterated entire planets. Utterly ruthless, merciless and with infinite technology and magic at their fingertips, life … death, the HQ re-wrote the rules to their whim.

Openly crossing HQ, was obvious suicide and not just for yourself but for anyone tied to you; be it your crew … your friends … your home world. Still, even with those odds on the line there was evidence that work was being done from within to move towards resistance against what HQ was doing.

[ Once again, he stopped talking and this time it seemed like an instinctive response, the words naturally sticking in his throat before he risked letting them slip. Adrien actually glanced down at his MID and then around the room, before he continued in a lowered voice. ]

HQ tracked, listened in and recorded everything we did. This MID? I told you about the cuff I wore with the CDC, the one that regulated my life support? Given how closely we were monitored, it was believed HQ had devices in the cuffs. Regardless, what this means is every word, every deed, every look was watched for subversive intent.

Which meant that those of us who stepped in those shadows, did so with a high level of risk. On the surface, we had to be better than best at giving HQ what they wanted, so they wouldn't look too closely.

[ Looking back out at the blackness of space, his next words were directed to Nate specifically. ]

You saw what I was capable of on the Caducian ship, when they rejected our attempt to negotiate. [ Perhaps Nate hadn’t thought he was watching, but Adrien hadn’t missed the surprise on the other man’s face when he’d killed the Caducians who came at them.

This time, the doctor couldn’t force himself to look back at his friends as he explained. ]

Better than the best. [ He repeated softly. ] When we were ordered to slaughter entire species, murder friends, destroy planets, die ourselves … I’ve done it all. At the best, I did it so others on my crew didn’t have too but just as often I did it to keep HQ looking the other way. Because I realized members of the officers of the Neheda, members of other ships spread across the CDC … there were plans in the works.

[ Adrien’s brows drew together and he swallowed softly. ]

None of us wanted to destroy planets. None of us wanted to be responsible for the annihilation of entire species, sentient or not. The last planet we destroyed … it cried. Every hour, every day we were on it, its flora and its fauna and the people, the Neraki … all of it cried until it was gone. I think the silence was worse. I can still hear both the screams and the silence when it’s too quiet. In the hours before we extracted, the Neraki children gave us sweets and little toys and tokens to say goodbye … they thought we were just leaving. They didn’t understand, but their parents did. I close my eyes at night and I see their faces.

[ For a moment, Adrien’s voice trailed off. It was obvious that he accepted this last bit as only his due; his punishment. Courser pushed hard against his leg, a soft high pitched scream coming from his throat until the doctor turned to look at his companion, his hand dropping to the top of the bahari’s head. ]

Those of us paying attention realized that action against HQ had to come from within and that it was going to take careful planning. Those of us really paying attention, began to see where action and plans were in motion but they were a very long game, one that had been in motion possibly for centuries before we had been recruits.

[ Finally, he looked back to Nate and Elena, his composure back in place. ]

I told you about the Almina? What got the Almina in trouble was a premature attempt to introduce a virus into the CDC HQ servers. In our travels I found myself on a ... prison asteroid cluster, for lack of a better term, an Almina survivor slipped me a floppy disk, to get off the planet.

The asteroid was literally decomposing under our feet. The crew was jumping through a rip in the fabric of ... I don't even know, blind ... frying pan or fire we didn't know. The individual who had this, I'd talked to him earlier; he sought me out, pushed it on me and told me to get it out.

To protect it.

There was less than a split second to decide. Holding it, knowing who and where it was from, I suspected what it was ... part of me wanted to throw it over my shoulder and let it be destroyed.

[ Reaching into his pocket, Adrien slowly withdrew a floppy disk and held it up so they could see it. ]

I got this in the mail, not long after we returned from our … yearlong party. If what is here, is here ... it's a death sentence. For me, the crew, my world ... anyone associated with me. But if it is, what I think it is, it’s part of a large and intricate plan to destroy the threat to untold universes.

[ He tapped it lightly against the fingertips of his other hand, his next words came in a soft, musing tone. ]

How do you make that choice in a split second? All those lives? Thousands, billions, untold numbers.

I took it and I hid it from everyone because I couldn't ask anyone else to take that risk with me, not ... right then. HQ had just inserted an officer, loyal to HQ into our midst, she was wreaking havoc, it was a full time job trying to keep the crew from imploding on themselves and all the while I had the very thing that would get us killed sitting in my messenger bag.

[ Sliding the precious disk back into his pocket, Adrien reached up to rub the heel of his palm against his eye, as if attempting to blot out a headache. ] And I spent the past year, fucking relaxing and partying without a care in the universe, even with someone I ... I should have trusted, telling me it was wrong. I … was angry with myself and I took it out on you, Nate and that was wrong of me.

[Holy shit. Holy shit.

Nate had been vaguely aware that Adrien had a past, knew that he'd seen some shit in that past, but this goes way beyond anything he could have imagined. Planetary genocide? Part of him wants to recoil from anyone who could willingly have anything to do with it, and there's an instant when he looks at Adrien and sees—a stranger. Someone he can't, doesn't want to recognize.

But the rest of him knows what it is to be desperate, to face the loss of everyone who matters. Maybe not on the same level, but he can use his imagination, unfortunately. What would h e have done, faced with the same kind of choice?

Thank fuck he's never had to find out.]

Jesus. That—that's not what I expected you to want to talk about. Are you—no, of fucking course you're not okay, you just said so. But I think you're excused from the snippiness.

[It's entirely understandable, in this context.]

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I'm killing every second 'til it sees my soul. [ Closed ]

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leapfroggging w/permission

Nope, not allowed. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect ... blah blah blah

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