thisavrou_log | Papa was a rolling stone

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Papa was a rolling stone

Who: Erik Lehnsherr, Wanda Maximoff, Peter Maximoff, Rogue, Clara Oswald, Diana Prince, Charles Xavier
When: The month of December, very carefully planned that none of these are happening at the same time (he has a color-coded calendar)
Where: Various places around the station, see prompts.
What: Erik's personal life is a disaster that I am attempting to contain in one place. This log is for the various dates he has lined up, as well as spending time with his children. And fighting a demon with Charles.
Warnings: Not expecting any, will edit to include warnings if something happens.

I never got a chance to see him (Closed to Wanda)

[ It takes Erik a few days to recover from the shock of Peter's revelation. One thing he definitely needs to do is talk to Wanda. Her odd behavior, and strong reaction when he so grievously misinterpreted the cause, now made sense.

There were still murky waters to navigate. The fact that she had her own parents, even though Peter was his son and Peter's sister was Erik's daughter. That apparently her brother is not here. That there is some sort of dimensional shift that has changed things for her in ways Erik does not quite understand.

He wants too, though. Try to define the strange situation that has tied them together. It is perhaps a selfish impulse, though he is sure that if she tells him to leave her alone, he will do so. And so he goes looking for her, starting in the library because he had heard she might be there. ]

Never heard nothin' but bad things about him (closed to Peter)

[ One thing is clear, Peter needs to know more about Erik's side of the family. Possibly also his mother, as Erik is certain that she has not told Peter the truth about how or when they met.

But the more important thing is to tell him about his family, all that they have lost. The legacy only lives so long as there is somebody to remember it. And now there will be, once Erik is gone.

He goes to Peter's quarters, at a time they both agreed on, with a hard copy of information that he wants Peter to have, and the intention of not getting sidetracked. And the locket. Because the first thing he needs to tell him about is his sister. ]

Papa never was much on thinking (closed to Rogue)

[ Erik is still not sure whether or not this is a mistake. He knows his intentions are good. It has occurred to him that much of what he finds interesting in Rogue is what attracted him to Raven. And becoming physically intimate with Raven was a mistake, one he will not repeat. Clearly Rogue is searching for some kind of mentor, and if Erik can serve in that role, and serve as a voice of reason against whatever it is that Charles is teaching her, all the better.

They are meeting in his quarters, of course. He's not interested in dealing with the inevitable wild rumors that would spring up the instant any of the others saw them interacting. He's done what he can to make sure the lighting is comfortable but not in a way that could be described as "mood lighting". He has a pitcher of what he has been assured is a decent approximation of "sweet tea" in the refrigerator. He is not sure what Rogue intends to prepare, but he expects the tea will go well with it. As well as sweet tea goes with anything, anyway. ]

Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking (closed to Clara)

[ The truth of the matter is that risotto is not as difficult to make as it appears. The trick is to just keep stirring it, and most do not have the patience for it.

Erik is a patient man.

He's left the door open so that Clara can come in without him having to leave the stove. Along with the ingredients he's using, he was able to obtain a few new articles of clothing. A sweater, one that actually fits him and not Charles, in a nice dark maroon. A grey broadcloth shirt underneath, and khaki pants. And an apron over that at the moment, as he is not going to ruin his new clothes.

He hums quietly as he adds a ladle of stock to the rice and stirs vigorously. ]

I'm depending on you to tell me the truth (closed to Diana)

[ Erik didn't bring a chessboard with him, of course. He made one shortly after arrival. Inlaying different alloys to make the checkered pattern, forming various bits of scrap metal into the right color and a shape that he liked. He hadn't actually had time or opportunity to play anybody in the two months since he arrived, and so he is looking forward to teaching Diana.

She is an intelligent woman, and a strategic thinker. Once she picks up the basics he is certain she will quickly become a worthy opponent. He has set the board up in the greenery, on a small table with two chairs that probably wasn't intended to be used like a bistro set in the park. But it's peaceful there, and it is nice to be around the plants.

And if the taskbots get out of hand he can always just stick them to the floor until the cavalry arrives. ]

and that ain't right (closed to Charles)

[ The thing rattles inside the locker. Erik glares back at it, hand up, fingers splayed, keeping the door in place and a flashlight shining directly on it. He's not sure exactly what part of this setup is keeping it in place, so he keeps it all in place.

He flicks on the video call feature on his A.C.E. ]

Call Charles.

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[Her legs part for him when she feels his hand slipping up beneath her skirt, though she's quick to press them back together to force him to put more effort into things as soon as he opens his mouth.]

I'm supposed to be the bossy one.

[She reminds him, nose nuzzling against his ear as she works her mouth against his neck.]

Are you trying to turn the tables now, Erik?

[In order to keep the risotto safe from burning, she keeps on stirring. But she's easily distracted when it comes to him, so who knows how long that will last?]

It doesn't mean anything if I just give it to you, my dear. You have to work for it.

[ He speaks low as his fingers inch higher, just brushing the apex of her thighs before he steps away from her completely. ]

Dinner is ready. [ He smirks at her as he sprinkles in some cheese and takes the risotto off the heat. ] I got the wine on Kaittos. It's green, but it tastes almost like a chardonnay.

[Her eyes narrow a little as he steps away, but she ends up pushing herself off the counter to stand instead of saying anything right away. She won't let his smirk become any worse by saying something that might cause him to react with amusement.]

Dinner's already done?

[She came here with every intention of enjoying herself and hoping he'll do the same, but there's also something she wants to talk about. She's planning on doing it over dinner, so the fact that the moment's already here makes her feel a little anxious. Her hands knit close together, fingertips pressing firmly against one another.]

I was hoping we could talk about something while we ate. Something...specific.

I started it some time before you were due to arrive. I assumed you didn't want to sit there, watching me stir rice for half an hour. I hope I haven't denied you some great pleasure you were anticipating.

[ He serves the food and pours the wine ]

I don't believe I received a copy of the agenda. I think you will be able to talk about whatever you'd like and I would have no idea.

[ He's teasing her, of course. Mostly because her tone means she wants to Talk and he's never enjoyed those sorts of conversations with lovers. ]

[His teasing earns a look, though there's amusement there beneath the show of exasperation. He serves the food and pours their wine, and she makes her way over to linger at his side and press a kiss to his cheek. She breathes the scent of him in as she does it, almost committing this happy moment to memory in case things go wrong.

With both their tempers and her mouth that runs away from her, it's almost guaranteed to go wrong somewhere. Anxiety fills her as she takes a seat and becomes far more still and serious than she usually is in his company.]

In that case, I want to talk about that argument we had.

[Her words are completely apprehensive, because she has no idea how to go about doing this. Usually if a man makes her angry, she just ends things with him and moves on. This is a first for her.]

I don't think we should just act like it never happened, Erik.

[ Her behavior coupled with what she said is definitely setting off alarm bells. It seems to him a rather cruel method of cutting ties, getting him to make dinner for her first. But he always admired her cutthroat tendencies, so it's not so much of a surprise.

He takes his seat after she takes hers and drinks some wine before answering. ]

What about it?

[ His voice is soft as it always is, his tone neutral. As far as he's concerned, he already said what he had to say on the topic. ]

[She looks over at him and feels an urgency to stop tiptoeing. She cares for him, but she also needs to care for herself. ]

You talked horribly to me.

[That doesn't need to be pointed out to him, she knows. But she needs to confirm the fact that it's upset her.]

You were cruel.

[And she knows that wasn't even as cruel as he likely could be. Tears rise up in her eyes as she forces out the next words.]

And I thought maybe you'd...I don't know, realize that how I felt wasn't respected?

[There's a brief pause, and she feels the need to lay it out a little more clearly for him. The tears in her eyes spill over, and she lets them slowly streak down her cheeks. There isn't any point in wiping them away now. At least it's only a couple. While she speaks, her eyes plead with him to do it.
She doesn't want to have to ruin everything.]

This is me, asking you, someone I care about, to apologize.

[ He doesn't react until she finishes whatever it is she's trying to get to. He doesn't want to argue again. But he's not just going to apologize insincerely.

And he is still irritated by some of her behavior as well. ]

I didn't realize respect was such a priority. I know I made it very clear that I did not want to talk about certain subjects pertaining to my past, and you did not respect that.

What, in particular, do you feel was cruel?

[She sighs. Fighting isn't what she wants. It's clear to her that he has no intention of apologizing, and she's at war with herself as she attempts to weigh her need for self-respect and pride over having this with him.

When she speaks again, she's very careful to keep her tone even. There's to much emotion in her voice, evidence that she's grown very attached to him. It's best if she keeps that as guarded as possible, she thinks.]

I apologized for doing what I did. I wanted to learn more about you, and I shouldn't have pressed. I'm sorry that I did.

[There's a pause, and she hangs her head so he can't see her face fully.]

And I shouldn't have tried talking about Danny. It wasn't the right time, he wasn't my husband when he died. He was just -

[Her voice cracked, and she gave a little shake of her head so more hair would fall down into her face.]

I just don't want to be the only one apologizing.

[And there it is, the root of everything. She's guilty but doesn't really think she should be, and her pride wants an apology for how he made her feel. It was a silly, ridiculous argument. And she generally doesn't hold petty grudges. But she's got so much pent up that she hasn't spoken to anyone about that it manifests in ways that make her feel ugly and dark on the inside.]

[ Erik feels very old and very tired, and Clara is doing everything but answering the question he asked. So he'll try asking it again. ]

I didn't ask you to apologize. I asked you what it was in particular you wanted me to apologize for. If you make me guess I don't think you will be pleased with my response.

[She reaches up to wipe at her eyes, before lifting her head to look over at him.]

Clever boy, you must know there's nothing I actually want you to apologize for.

[But he's humoring her. That's enough for now.]

I thought about asking you to apologize for how you spoke to me, because the Doctor's right. I'm a needy game player with a rampant case of egomania. My mouth has a mind of its own most of the time, and I keep hoping that if I have enough sex I might feel wanted enough to have a reason to fight the bloody timelock that I've been marked with.

[Oh good, it's manic word vomit time. She hates this.]

None of that is your fault. Save the apology for when we really have a row, cause I'm sure it's gonna be spectacular when it happens.

[ Now he feels more frustrated than tired. Whether or not that's an improvement is something other people can decide. ]

Clara. I am trying to take you seriously. If you retreat to sarcasm and referencing things other people said when I'm trying to ask you for specifics regarding myself, I don't know what sort of result you expect.

I do not agree with the Doctor's assessment of your character, as that has not been my experience. If you are having sex with me in order to find a reason to live, I will admit that is flattering but that does not seem sustainable.

[ His gaze turns to the risotto, which is rapidly cooling to a congealed, pasty mess. What a waste. ]

I already said it was because I didn't feel respected, Erik. I didn't feel like your equal then.

[She bluntly tells him, glancing to the food. At least they can be of the same mind on it being wasted. She starts to pick at it slowly, so that it isn't completely ruined. It also bides her time for thinking on what to say next. Because like she had with his comment about things being a good time, he's just taken what she's said the wrong way and she needs to gently correct him.]

I have sex with you because I fancy you. Because I like being with you. Because I'm not afraid when i'm with you.

[Though fat chance of that now, with her mucking up everything.]

It's always been about the emotional connection for me. The multiple orgasms are just a bonus.

Alright. [ He leans back in his chair and sighs. ] I do respect you. I think you're an intelligent, ambitious, resourceful woman. Beautiful as well, obviously. And while I haven't seen you focus your energy on any particular goal, I have no doubt that if you set your mind to something, you would achieve it.

I do agree that we were not on equal footing during that argument. As from my perspective, you and Charles were teaming up in an attempt to force me to do something I didn't want to do. I still don't want to do. [ He adds, just to make it clear that his position hasn't changed. ]

[Wait a second, Erik. She arches an eyebrow.]

What about the school? That counts as a goal. And you don't know about my first contact duties, or my historian project, or my star maps I'm working on. I'm filled with focusing on goals!

[She's not defensive, she's just letting him know she's a very driven person with a lot of projects on her plate and it's not all about badgering him into working at the school or sex. Since now she's certain he thinks she meant that sex with him gives her a reason to really, actually live. She'll have to work on knocking him down a few pegs to take care of his ego after that slip up.]

Do you realize how often we talk about the Doctor and Charles when things get in any way uncomfortable?

[It's almost like they're both obsessed with someone and can't look past their feelings to form healthy relationships with other people. But no, she doesn't think it can be that. She'd know if it was something that serious.]

[ He doesn't want to dismiss her work as unimportant, as he knows first-hand how irritating that is, but what she lists isn't what he meant. ]

Those are all worthwhile projects. But I'm talking about long-term goals. Big things. World-changing.

[ He sighs, as these are clearly not the same at all even remotely. Obviously. ]

I brought up Charles because after I had an argument with him, you came to continue the exact same argument with me. [ As if he needed more reasons to not be involved with the school. ] Whatever your conflicts are with the Doctor, as far as I'm aware they're at least different from the one we've had.

[ His frustration is giving way to irritation. Why are they rehashing this again. ]

[She desperately wants to tell him that she can't make a long-term goal because she has to go back home and die. She's promised the Doctor she won't give up and she'll let him save her, but she's doubtful that's likely to happen. But she can't open up and be completely honest with him, because that would be to healthy of her. No, she just quietly eats the risotto. If he's not going to enjoy it, she damn well will.

She eats and mulls over what he's just said, carefully considering her next words. She doesn't want to fight. ]

I think I need to be honest with myself. I haven't been in a while now.

[She finally speaks, voice soft.]

Erik, you're not my boyfriend. And I don't think you ever will be.

[It's not as simple as that, and they both know it. But it comes from a place of being honest with herself, and accepting that truth. Does she wish he could be? Yes. But he can't give her what she needs, and it isn't right of her to put any weight on his shoulders. He can't save her, he can't help fix what she feels is broken. She has to do that on her own like she always has, no matter how scared she is.]

Edited 2018-01-06 01:55 (UTC)

[ If he wasn't bracing himself before, he certainly is once she starts talking about honesty. But even so, he's surprised by her comment. A number of kneejerk reactions are almost said but thankfully he is able to refrain, as they are all some combination of "unhelpful" and "cruel".

There was a time when a label like that was of tremendous importance to him. Enough that in being denied it, he was left unmoored. Unable to make sense of what he was feeling or what was expected of him, he transgressed those unnamed boundaries and destroyed something that was never going to last anyway, but could have lasted a little longer. Ended on terms slightly better than the smoking wreckage it became.

And now, it all seems so pointless. Boyfriend, son, husband, father, lover, friend, brother. It's all temporary. A fleeting moment that ends long before he's ready to let go, no matter the circumstances.

To have the possibility introduced and dismissed in the same sentence, when he hadn't even considered it, is a disconcerting feeling. His feelings settle on annoyance, though he's at least aware enough to realize that is probably because it is a familiar state. So he lets it pass before speaking. ]

I was not aware that was something you wanted.

[She's quiet as she fidgets with her fork, color rising up to her cheeks.]

It is something I want. From you, in particular.

[It's weakness, to admit this to him. A vulnerability that he could exploit if he wanted to, though she doubts that he does. She works hard to build up walls and keep her truths selective so as to not let anyone entirely in. She's told him that she cares for him, and she means every word.]

I should've been better at realizing it, so I could've been up front with you. Though it wasn't something I knew I wanted, not right away.

[She feels exhausted now, and completely humiliated by her own wants and needs. She's never relied on having a partner before, never needed someone. She's independent, and that won't ever change. The feeling of wanting someone that might possibly tether her down is a new one, and she isn't sure what to make of it.]

[ Her admission is surprising, and shames him. ]

I do care for you, Clara.

[ He did not expect to. Not that she isn't somebody worth caring about, but the fact that he is able to care at all about somebody new so soon after...

But it is too soon after. As much as he does care about her, he is limited in such things under the best circumstances. Which he had, with Magda. Who never expected him to change, just accepted him as he was until he was able to be who he wanted to be with her. Something he does not expect to experience again. ]

This is the best I can offer you. I understand if that's not enough.

[She understands his reasoning, and is embarrassed because she knows about his wife and daughter and she still wants him. Despite what she wants, Clara isn't entirely selfish. She can't ask him to really, actually be with her so soon after losing them. It wouldn't be right.

It's healthy for them to talk this way, to get things out in the open and clear the air.

And now she's faced with a decision to make. She looks over at him for what feels like a long while before her hand reaches out to try and take hold of his.]

It'll do, for now.

[A sad smile tugs up at the corners of her mouth, but she isn't really feeling all that sorry for herself. She feels a sense of relief, although the ache that comes along with being denied by the Doctor and now Erik in such a short period of time is still too fresh to discard completely. But she'll move on past it, same as she does everything else. And really, what she and Erik have now is special to her, even if it isn't exclusive. It's enough for the time being.]

I've never been keen on labels, anyway.

[ This whole thing has been a fantasy. From the moment he held her on the ledge until now. He has ignored the reality of his situation, distracted himself with sex and a shallow imitation of the kind of relationship Clara obviously wants. And deserves. A relationship with somebody who has an entire heart to give her. Not one half dead, the other half calcified.

He takes her hand and squeezes her fingers. ]

The benefit of labels is that one knows what is expected. I don't know what you expect of me, now.

[ Other than his complete inability to live up to her actual desires. ]

I want...

[She gives his hand a little squeeze, keeping a sad smile on her face.]

What I want is, something more than a distraction. For the both of us.

[She's not stupid, she knows that this all started on an extreme and then just continued. It was strictly physical at first, but now it isn't at all for her. She cares for him a great deal, and he's part of her life here. She doesn't want to lose that, not yet.]

I brought up our argument as a means to saying I wanted things to be exclusive between us. It didn't have to be anything more than just that, but -

[She isn't sure he'd go for that, not now. So she leaves it there and just shrugs a little.]

[ Clara is a beautiful woman, with a smile that lights up a room. When she's happy. Now, that smile is dimmed, considerably, by how thoroughly he has disappointed her. ]

I don't know what I want.

[ He says softly. Which isn't entirely true. He wants things he can't have. His wife. Charles. To be with Clara without the weight of those losses crushing him. None of this is remotely fair to her.

He's so lost in his melancholy that he doesn't quite understand what she's saying. ]

And you don't want that anymore.

[ That makes sense, considering her earlier statement. Though he understood it the first time, he isn't quite sure why she feels the need to repeat herself. ]

I didn't say that.

[She gently points out, giving a shake of her head. ]

I assumed that you didn't want something exclusive. I still do.

[But he's just said that he doesn't know what he wants, and it isn't fair of her to push and keep the matter going when she's already ruined a perfectly good dinner. She wants to be with him, but she also can't let herself be a rebound or let herself play second fiddle to the ghost of another woman. She had told the Doctor she wouldn't compete with ghosts, but the need to say the same to Erik isn't there. It feels like too cruel of a thought, so she leaves things where they are and tosses the ball in his court.

Whatever happens needs to be his decision.]

Papa was a rolling stone

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