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Who: Jesse Pinkman & various closed threads to CR
When: March catch-all for established CR
Where: St. Monmouth & around Region 1
What: Dadding and hanging and other stuff, oh my
Warnings: Drug use, swearing, other stuff that comes with Jesse Pinkman territory. If you want a starter, feel free to hit me up via PM or over at

nanageddon!

☲ closed to Ellie | Jesse's bedroom

[ Ellie winding up spending far more time in Jesse's room, camping out in his bed most nights, eventuated almost accidentally. A few times here and there, she has fallen asleep on his bed, and Jesse, not wanting to disturb her, always ends tucking his comforter over her and leaving her be. He sleeps pretty poorly at night himself, but when he's finally so exhausted that he can't keep his eyes open, he winds up climbing into bed next to Ellie and collapsing into a deep sleep. She can never seem to sleep without him close by, anyway.

That same situation has wound up happening again tonight. Jesse has been fast asleep next to Ellie for a couple of hours now, huddling on his stomach with his face mashed into the pillow, while Ellie is curled up on her side close to him. He stirs when a whimpering noise cuts into his sleep, though he's so tired that he sinks straight back into deep sleep… and is suddenly jolted right back out of it, startling him wide awake, at Ellie letting out a scream with a thrash of her arms. One of her arms hits Jesse square in the face.

Jesse, bewildered and disoriented with sleep, bolts upright with his eyes wide and alarmed. It takes him all of a second to realise with horror that Ellie is having another nightmare. ]

Hey, hey, hey. [ Face contorting into urgent worry, Jesse twists hurriedly onto his knees, arms reaching out to grab a hold of her flailing fists. ] Ellie, Ellie.

☲ closed to Gansey | Monmouth library

[ Reaching the sprawling library in Monmouth, Jesse pokes his head through the door. His eyes do a sweep of the books, the furniture, the shelves, the stepladder staircase leading up to a nook crammed with more books, and he pushes his hands into his pockets as he steps over the threshold.

Jesse is far from a bookworm, definitely far from any kind of academic, and once upon a time in his wasted youth, he would have rolled his eyes with an inward sneer - an outward sneer, too - at being in a place surrounded by so much knowledge. Places like these always pointed out to him how stupid he was, how stupid and inadequate he felt, and making fun of places like this was the only way he knew how to rebuff that.

Now, though… Something about this library commands respect. Maybe it's the reverent silence of it, how magic seeps into every crevice, every corner. Maybe it's also because Jesse isn't the same shithead he used to be. Maybe it's also because he's got a far more pressing matter on his mind to worry about feeling inadequate and out of place in a place so full of knowledge that's far beyond his academic abilities. ]

Yo. [ He calls this out tentatively, more hushed than out loud. ] Gansey. You in here, man?

☲ closed to Jamie | Jamie's cabin

[ It's late. Dusk has long since settled over Monmouth and the farms. Fireflies and glowing bugs buzz around lazily in the night air, and magical strange trees that emit a low, ethereal glow light the pathway towards Jamie's cabin as Jesse heads down towards it.

The soft glow of homely lights flicking from the windows of the cabin illuminate the front porch, and Jesse, clutching a large pizza in one hand and a six-pack of beer in his other hand, juggles them both so he can lift his hand to the wooden door to knock on it. ]

☲ closed to Shepard | Alleyway outside the aquarium

[ Ugh, thank Christ, thinks Jesse as the staff side door leading out into the alleyway bangs shut behind him. He's dying for a smoke. Shepard has been riding his ass all goddamn morning, and though he's not supposed to be sneaking a smoke break in right now, he's sneaking one in, anyway. Just a five-minute break. Then he'll get back to it.

He plops down on a short stack of crates, pursing a cigarette between his lips. Flicking his lighter aflame, he lights the tip, and he draws in a deep, grateful lungful of smoke with his shoulders sagging in relief. God, Shepard, man. She's like a freakin' Nazi. This job - cleaning out aquariums, tending to fish - is hardly meth superlab material, but Shepard constantly pounding his ass about getting things done, that he hasn't done this job properly, hasn't finished that job yet, makes him miss Mr. White a little.

A lot, actually. In fact, Jesse feels immense guilt that he's left Mr. White back at home, after Mr. White had saved his life. He knows somewhere deep down that he shouldn't miss Mr. White. The guy is a giant dick. But after everything he and Mr. White have been through together… Well, it's written all over Jesse's face, really: the dark bags under his eyes, his shaved head, the haunted look in Jesse's expression that follows him wherever he goes. Jesse is definitely a lot different to how Shepard knew him when they'd first met, all those months ago on the Moira. There seems to be a piece of Jesse missing now. Like a piece of him died along with what happened when he was sent back home.

Whatever, though. He brings his cigarette back up to his lips for another drag while rolling his skinny, aching shoulders, completely unaware that Shepard is hunting him down and is about to find him slacking off out here in the alleyway behind the aquarium. ]

☲ closed to Daisy | Text » Daisy's apartment

Hey I'm in R5
You around? Wanna meet up?

☲ closed to Carl | Text » St. Monmouth

[ It probably seems a little out of nowhere, Jesse messaging Carl. The kid often crosses Jesse's mind, though, even more so since Ellie arrived. Jesse knows very little about Carl's life back in his world, but he knows the kid has gone through… well. Maybe somewhat similar stuff to Ellie, if the little hints Carl has dropped here and there and the way he behaves is anything to go by. ]

Carl wassup
It's Jesse

☲ closed to Matthew | Cont'd from TDM

[ God, this kid… There seems something entirely magical about him, too. His laughter, his infectious happiness… Such a stark contrast to Ronan. Jesse can't help turning his head from the magical view to gaze at the kid, enthralled, uplifted. He's found himself almost completely forgetting about his own problems because of this kid.

Knowing Ronan's past, though, or the things Ronan has told him, at least - Jesse's heart does a small aching twist again at the kid mentioning 'the place we used to live'. ]

Yeah? [ His mouth twists into a warm little smile. ] Your brother's really something. Never met anyone like him. [ He thinks about that for just a second, then adds: ] Don't think anyone's met anyone like Ronan. He's told me a lot about… y'know. Who he is. The things he can do.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Uh that doesn't sound dumb. That sounds awesome.

I've never really looked to see if there was a go kart track around here. I would totally be down if there is though.

[ Jesse's eyebrows shoot up in mild surprise. He's so used to people thinking a grown ass guy shouldn't be into stuff teenagers would be into. Mr. White definitely always made a point of highlighting how much of a jerk off Jesse was for liking immature stuff. ]

...Really?

Well, yeah?

[Why was he surprised by that? Sometimes it was fun to just do stupid shit like you did as a kid/teen.]

What kind of video games are you into?

[ Jesse's mild surprise eases into a small, gazing smile at Daisy. He finds himself thinking, for just a moment, about Brock. Andrea. Playing video games with them. His heart aches for just a moment. ]

Ah, well, y'know. Anything, really. Racing games are cool, though. The two-player ones. [ He gives Daisy a playful challenging look. ] Which I bet I could thrash you at.

[And while Jesse is thinking of those people, Daisy is reminded of Mack. Her former partner in SHIELD and how they would play video games. He said it was to help with working on the field, but she knew it was really just because he enjoyed playing them.]

I would say put your money where your mouth is, but I have no idea where I would even find a console here. Just picture me kicking your ass, cause I totally would.

Oh, yeah? You think you'd kick my ass?

[ Jesse turns on the spot to face Daisy, an amused, challenging look on his face. ]

I happen to have a console in my room back in Monmouth, y'know. With a whole stack of games that I would totally kick your ass at.

Really? I don't remember seeing it the last time I was in there.

[She appreciates that he can be just as cheeky as she can be at times.]

Then again I was pretty distracted. Guess I'll have to make another visit just to see your face when I totally beat you.

Guess I'll have to try not to distract you too much next time.

[ And with a knowing grin, he forks up a bite of chicken and pops it into his mouth without taking his eyes off her. ]

Might be a good idea, unless you plan on cheating so you can win.

[She does look away briefly though, smiling down at her plate.]

It's nice out there. You picked a good spot.

[ Oh, he would so cheat. Sneak in a kiss here, deliberately bump her game controller there. Probably wind up abandoning the game altogether to push her back to the bed.

He smiles softly at her while she's looking down at her plate. ]

I didn't pick it. Ronan did. [ Jesse chews his bottom lip briefly while studying her, then continues: ] I meant what I said, 'bout you being welcome to come over any time.

[Daisy was about to reach for her drink again when he spoke up, reminding her about what he said the last time they hung out.]

I know. I just don't want it to feel like I'm, you know, smothering you.

[Well it's not a complete lie. She's also afraid of getting too attached, but it's hard not to. Giving the situations they have found themselves in, it only made her more attached to him.

Which scared her.]

You? Smothering me?

[ He gives her a 'come on, Daisy' little smile. Reaching out a hand, he lightly snags one of her fingers with his forefinger hooking around it. ]

Maybe I wanna see you a whole lot more.

[Stomach churning as his finger hooks with hers, Daisy looks from their hands to his face.]

You're just saying that because you're not sick of me yet. Believe me, it'll happen.

[She's joking with him, but really, she's freaking out. Every day she's constantly conflicted with these emotions she feels for him. Like she should continue to punish herself for what happened to Lincoln, but then he does things like this. Heck, all he has to do is just look at her and she gets a funny feeling in her stomach.]

[ Yeah, he thinks the same thing: she'll get sick of him, and she'll eventually leave. Everyone always eventually leaves. Jesse accepts this. Daisy will eventually leave him, too, he knows. But as wrong as it is of him to lure her into his pathetic orbit of bullshit, when he knows she deserves far better than him, he can't help himself. Jesse knows Daisy would despise him if she knew the truth about him, and that's what makes this so wrong - that he's lying about himself, that he's hidden away horrible truths about himself, making himself seem like a good guy when he's really nothing but a scumbag murderer who's done depraved shit like sell meth to recovering drug addicts.

But god. He misses Jane so much. He misses Andrea. Maybe he's falling in love with Daisy. Just being around Daisy certainly helps numb the pain of losing Jane, the same way Andrea did, that's for sure.

He gives her finger a tiny tug, like he's telling her to come closer. ]

And how long have we known each other? How much have we been through together?

[Except she stays right where she is now that her heart is hammering in her chest. He does that to her a lot.]

I know.

[They've been through a lot, and it only made them grow closer. That was natural, it didn't always have to be more than a friendship built on that kind of trust you got from protecting each other like they have in the past. Except this was more than just a friendship.]

I'm just still...

[Grieving? Yeah, that was probably obvious to him.]

Have you ever lost anyone?

[Great conversation over lunch.]

[ He knows she's still grieving. Maybe that's part of what makes it so wrong, that he's tugging her - emotionally - into this place. Jesse knows she's still grieving, and there's still a horrible, broken, decayed part in side him that's still grieving so badly for Jane that there are days when it physically hurts just thinking about her.

The look on his face grows sombre while he studies Daisy's face. A quiet, sad rawness settles into his expression. Is there any point in lying about his own grief? Even if it makes him feel sick to the bone, that it's because of him that Jane is gone? ]

I lost someone I loved more than anything in the whole world. [ He licks his lips with a small swallow, and continues: ] I listened to her voicemail countless times a day after she was gone, every day, just so I could hold onto the last piece I had left of her, 'til her number was finally one day disconnected.

[Somehow hearing that didn't surprise her, that he too had lost someone. It actually made a lot of sense, except she didn't know this happened the first time he arrived here. She thought this all happened when he came back completely broken.

Bringing her free hand up to her face, Daisy wiped at the tears that started spilling down her cheeks.]

I kept a picture of him with me in my van when I was on the run.

[He still didn't know all the details, and she's not really in the mood to share as to why she was on the run from SHIELD and the cops.]

Sometimes it feels like I'm cheating on him, or that I'm being disrespectful.

[Maybe it sounds stupid, but Daisy hoped he understood where she was coming from.]

[ Watching Daisy's eyes well with tears, while his own chest is flooding with a sudden surge of painful Jane-filled memories, makes him wish he hadn't said anything.

His hand slides properly into Daisy's, and he links their fingers together, forgetting all about his lunch to scoot closer to her. His other hand comes up to brush her hair away from her face, and he studies her with such sad eyes. Of course he doesn't know the details of her being on the run, but he doesn't care about the details. ]

'Cause it seems like you're just moving on and forgetting about him.

[ He does understand where she's coming from. Jesus, does he know. The guilt of what he did to Jane follows him around every waking moment of his life, and at times seeps into his dreams at night. ]

[Letting him scoot closer to her, Daisy can't quite look into his eyes again and instead stares at their hands. At least that's what she did until his hand was pushing away the hair that had covered her face. Rubbing the tip of her nose with the back of her hand, Daisy nodded as she brought her gaze up to Jesse's.]

I loved him and I never told him.

[On the topics Daisy thought they might talk about today, this was not among them. Yet here they are.]

[ Jesse thinks about that a lot, too. He loved Jane, so desperately, so deeply, and he never told her. He knows it would have probably freaked her out, but in hindsight... He wishes he'd told her. He wishes desperately that he'd told her. At the same time, though, how sick of him to tell the girl who was his whole world that he loved her while he was dragging her back down into the dark pit of drug use?

Jesse's eyes burn brighter with tears. At the thought of Jane. At the sight of Daisy shedding grief-filled tears. He tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear tenderly. ]

Do you think he knew you loved him, though? Without you even having to say the words?

Edited 2017-04-04 15:34 (UTC)

[Letting out a shaky breath that she had been holding in, Daisy tilted her head into his hand to look in his direction. She didn't mean to let this all out on him, and especially now that she's clearly brought up memories he probably didn't want to think about.

At his question, Daisy pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep from full out sobbing. This is the most she's talked about any of this, much less about Lincoln, since everything went down months ago.]

I did some pretty messed up things before he died.

[That doesn't really answer his question though. She knows he did, she just doesn't think she deserved it. Not after she betrayed the team. Betrayed him.]

[ Jesse knows what that's like, too. He did messed up things. Horrible messed up things. He got Jane spiralling back onto dope. He put the idea in her head. He didn't stop her when she was first syringing up that speedball and giving him wings. He'd sat there nervous and excited, thrilled by the intimacy of sharing this first high with someone he desperately loved. And it had been an explosive experience, that first drift off into space while the speedball worked its magic. With Jane's words whispering in his head, I'll meet you there.

Whatever messed up things Daisy did... Jesse can't judge. He won't judge. He has no room or right to judge. ]

So, you think you're a bad person. That you deserve to be alone.

[ Said quietly, understanding weighted heavy in his voice. He understands what that feels like, too, so very much. ]

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was.

[She doesn't mean to say that she's better off without Jesse in her life, but she's afraid of hurting him.

Tongue poking at the inside of her cheek, Daisy looked up towards the ceiling in an attempt to keep any more tears from falling down.]

I'm sorry. I didn't invite you over here to hear all of this.

Hey.

[ Jesse says this softly as he reaches up to take her face in his hands. He turns her sad face towards him, only just managing to hold his own tears back. He has to blink quickly a few times to fight them away because, god, he's never opened up about Jane, not really, and...

He hates seeing Daisy sad.

His thumb caresses her cheek. ]

You can tell me anything, you know. I'll always listen.

[Seeing the expression on his face was not helping her regain control of her emotions.]

I know.

[Except she can't tell him everything. Not yet.]

I'm sorry you lost her.

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