[Plot] What Could Have Been

[tearmeanewone]

Who: The Entire Moira
When: Mid September 22nd - 25th
Where: All over the ship
What: Holes in reality, holes in reality everywhere.
Warnings: None so far, please mark your content!


Hey, what's that sound? It sounds like a sharp whine of white noise and moving air, and quiet. And it's coming from a glowing crack that appears to be... floating in midair inside the ship. Surely that can't be good, right? How come they're appearing all over the Moira? And why do they show such bizarre images when you get close enough...?


((OOC: Plot details are here, feel free to use this post or make new ones! :D Any questions, feel free to hit me up at kouject, otherwise GO NUTS GUYS, AU SHENANIGANS~))

Comments

[alterplex]

[ He's not sure what about the sound of Paz's voice seemed so cloying, when moments before he'd felt so at ease listening to her quote Immanuel Kant with such clarity. Some part of him rebels when Kaz tugs at him, some dead part of him that says some part of her is still alive, but his friend confirms his own presence and states with practicality that this is not something that Venom should see or should want to see.

Venom understands that. He has his mental limitations on occasion, but he's stable enough to know that this isn't productive, and grateful enough to Kaz for moving him away from his own hypocrisies.

The voice thins, and the gardens grow quieter. Kaz lets go of Venom's hand, and Venom closes his single eye to recalibrate. Like a well-worn machine. ]

...Been better. [ Is his honest assessment, as he gives himself his vision back. His scarred lips twitch upwards in a wry half-smile, mostly at his own expense, as he looks for a place to sit. Find his traction. ] —Sorry, Kaz.

[ It's not good for morale, Venom knows that. This might not be Mother Base, but there's still an incongruity to seeing Venom Snake, with that face, acting erratically; he can appreciate that, which is why he apologizes without hesitation. ]

[warandpeace]

Don't be. [Sorry, that is.] It's hard. [He responds bluntly, tucking his hands into his tailored overcoat pockets. The acoustic guitar strapped around his torso shifting with a hollow sound.]

She was here. [That part... that part Snake might not want to hear. Whatever is happening to him, though, she's obviously heavy on his mind. Maybe that point where she was alive, and her personality was bright and shining. The same time Kaz's was. It was a good time, and seeing her had brought back those memories both painfully and wonderfully. It's possible that's another way that Venom Snake's mind works differently. The value of her person to him had been different than the value of her to Big Boss.]

[Kaz pauses, and watches his face for those subtle reactions. Always hard to read; now he understands more why it looks (to him) like he's trying to work things out so often.]

She was healthy. [He clarifies. It was before her hair was shaved, her body stuffed with explosives.] She disappeared during the invasion. I'm hoping she just ran off. Or went somewhere better. That happens sometimes. [He both held her in contempt and resented Cipher for what they did to poor people like her. (Poor people like Venom Snake, David, even Eli.) She died in sacrifice. That he couldn't deny. That's what had held his temper, and his hands from her throat.]

Do you want to get out of here? Go somewhere else? [Where they don't have to listen to sweet, lying words in the voice of a girl who never really knew how to be free.]

[alterplex]

[ If there's one thing that weighs more heavily on his heart than the death of his own identity, it's the topic of one Paz Ortega Andrade— or, rather, Pacifica Ocean. Perhaps it's unfair of him, that he remembers the falsities of her front more acutely than the realities of what she'd done, the faiths that she destroyed in her need to preserve the fragility of her own being. But this is the reality of who he is, that last bit of himself that he cast away to rot at the bottom of the ocean. This is the part of him that's still "Medic": the phantom cassette that tried to believe, more than anything else, that "there's more to remember than hatred and rage."

It seems trite, now. A way to soothe his own bloodied conscience.

So when he finds a place to settle down, elbows on his knees and his gaze tipped up to the questioning half-frown on Kaz's face, he's back to being as steady as ever. The information of Paz having been here is humbling, and he wonders if he should be happy that she never met him; not this Snake, not the one she'd have wanted to see.

Venom looks grateful enough for what Kaz tells him, understanding turning his brows down into something restful, as he gestures for his XO to sit down next to him. ]

I see. [ "Went somewhere better". He can tell that Kaz is trying to be delicate for his sake, and while it's not necessary— he knows that life isn't kind— the fact that his friend is setting aside his own complicated feelings for their fabricated angel is a magnanimous gesture.

That's literally all Venom says about the matter, because worrying Kaz needlessly isn't a priority for him. ] We don't need to go anywhere. Looks like you wanted to play.

[warandpeace]

[Kaz watches him sit, noting that he seems... heavier? Lighter? Can't tell. There's a change there. At least his reaction to Paz is something.] You remember her? [He asks, having a seat near him. The voice is distant enough now. Enough that it won't carry over the sound of his guitar once he starts playing.]

[He thinks back a few months to him sitting near that mirrored statue. On the ground, lightly playing a song with Big Boss sleeping on his back next to him, drifting off to the music. Probably the first moment of real peace he'd felt with John in... over a decade.]

[He settles down by this different man that happens to share the same face. Maybe he can help this Snake, too. Miller isn't so good at easing people like he used to. But right now, he's armed with a pretty good weapon.]

[Kaz carefully removes his gloves, slips his hands bare and unstraps his guitar. Wood and strings are barely visible through his phantom limb as he plucks and plays a song. One undoubtedly unfamiliar to Venom, and outside of Kaz's usual MSF fare.]

Really remember, I mean. Not just... bits and pieces.

What else do you remember?

[alterplex]

[ It's evident that it's a weight, but it's a weight that Venom is trying to carry. It's the sort of strange phenomenon where one feels something profoundly, and feeling it is better than the alternative of its absence; some kind of contradiction that Venom wears, because his entire existence is contradictory.

What Kaz would be able to tell is that Venom eases into his perch and listens to the flood of music with a peacefulness that borders on melancholy. If anyone'd seen Venom on that medical platform, so many months ago, reaching into the air and grasping at nothing, his current expression is the same sort of resigned tranquility that accompanied his momentary reverie: lips set in a neutral but soft line, jaw slanted slightly in Kaz's direction, attentive.

The song is quiet. Pleasant. A good framework for his fragmented nostalgia. ]

—What I remember. [ Instinctively, Venom moves to catch Kaz's balance against his shoulder, as if his friend would need that support to play an instrument that requires both his hands. It's ridiculous— of course Kaz can hold himself upright— but perhaps it's some sort of suppressed memory of keeping a very drunk subcommander vertical as he tried to sing and nod off at the same time.

His lips twitch upwards, just a fraction. ]

...You asked her if we weren't all being too 'crude'.

[ The memory is impartial and universal, and thus deserves to be told with fondness. A reminder of Kazuhira Miller being... well, Kazuhira Miller, with his all-encompassing concern for his family, despite his momentary foibles. ]

[warandpeace]

[Kaz's breath evens out as the arm rounds him, supports his sober body with no necessity. But he doesn't argue. He likes to think the support is returned, in the way he plays music to a man he's shared life and death with. It's not Big Boss, but they did share in this. The both of them. So he leans, without guilt. It can be their own version of give and take.]

[He smiles at the memory, one a little stronger than Venom's.] And then I showed everyone "the real Kazuhira Miller." I was pretty ridiculous. [He'd made people laugh, and that had been worth it. Rewarded with loud, ridiculous cackles, and drunken idiots grinning from ear to ear.]

Do you remember the wine? That terrible wine I passed around? [Did the medic drink it? Did Snake?] Had the worst aftertaste. It did the job, though.

[She'd hated it, Cecile. He remembered being drunk and watching her downing her wine, looking fantastic in a pair of shorts. He couldn't drag his gaze from her legs. She noticed, at some point. She slammed a door in his face. He misses her voice, calling him a pest.]

[Kaz is still smiling a little.]

[alterplex]

[ "The Real Kazuhira Miller". Yes, he recalls that— it's a memory that he feels before the script starts rolling in, a moment in the past that sparks something instinctive in him before the whispers of what he should reasonably know seep through, like ink on a page.

The arch of his lips grows a touch more prominent, and settles into the lines of his face with surprising ease. As much as austerity suits Venom Snake, it's when his features soften that he looks the most grounded in reality. ]

The wine. [ Can he remember? No, as much as he'd like to, he doesn't— the heavy musk of cigars, cheap alcohol spilled over unwashed fatigues, someone complaining about a comment at the expense of their hometown, yes.

It would make sense that he doesn't remember. Did Medic drink? Not when everyone else needed at least one sober pair of eyes to supervise them, likely. But there's no certainty to that supposition, either.

Venom shakes his head, Kaz still braced against his side, ear cocked to the rise and fall of guitar strings. He doesn't look bitter at all. ]

Tell me more.

[warandpeace]

[He thinks back to that odd conversation with Venom's... what is he? Plaster? Poured into the mould of a great statue. More fragile but just as impressive at first glance. Is that what he is? It doesn't give him enough credit as a person.]

[The medic that became Venom. That conversation.]

I remember us getting food poisoning. [He looks over, glad to see that fond smile. Hoping that the words give him something small, something his.]

[Kaz leans his shoulder more into Venom's chest, taking up that comfortable room that was always so easy to share with John. Though their heavy arms were usually exhausted with more violence than this calm scenario. In this case, the proximity brings sentimental warmth that he won't let his anger taint for a little while.]

When we first went to the platform, the entire place smelled like bird droppings. I remember looking at it and thinking, god we made a deal for this. But everyone threw their backs into it. We had it cleaned up in no time. After that, it was just ocean breezes, all the time.

[Like the Girl had told him about pictures, they hurt and they felt good to remember, all that pride they had in creation. Of making something theirs with teamwork. Kaz would work too, but so often he'd have to step back and organize, divide everyone properly. He was a slave driver that would leave soldiers grunting and sore and sweaty but a minute later would have someone there for those workers with glasses of water and cool towels. And he'd always tell them "good job".]

[It sounds like the medic had been there for that. Did he help them build it? Stock their new medical areas? Snake hadn't been there. Off doing the missions that were the price of this place.]

Bucky reminds me of Chico. [A thought he's not shared with Venom. With Big Boss, yes. But not Venom.] If he'd had a chance to grow up with us.

[alterplex]

[ Food poisoning. Yes, that was a problem endemic to the MSF, wasn't it? The notion settles into Venom in double, something fond bred from a leader's friendly confusion regarding why all of his soldiers fell ill eating something that posed no problems to him, coupled with a Medic's patient understanding of his fellow comrades wanting to emulate their insurmountable figurehead.

Kaz's gentle edge into his space is fine with Venom, who continues watching with his chin tipped down, breath rising steady against his friend's shoulder. Up and down, as if to emulate the waves lapping quietly over the struts of their first home. ]

We weren't migrants anymore. [ Yes, Venom remembers. It's an emotional reaction as opposed to a cognizant one, but that's fine; it's the part of him that persists despite all efforts to the contrary, and he's fine with Kaz seeing a sliver of it. ] The first view from that cleaned deck was something.

[ The rest of Kaz's assertions hits a chord, and Venom looks down into his XO's face to gauge the tone of it; regretful? Wistful? Just a plain statement?

He's not sure how qualified he is to comment, being that he's never had a personal relationship with Chico— not that he can remember, anyway. But he nods, and feels for something that feels right enough to say. ]

...He's spirited, yeah.

[warandpeace]

[The fabric near V's mouth warms with those breaths, measured and careful, and he can tell he's deep in thought. Chico, he doesn't know how well the Medic knew him, but he knows they both remember the tragedy that took him.]

Spirited. Impetuous. Prone to unnecessary risks. But loyal. That means something.

[They weren't migrants anymore. That had been the core of it, wasn't it? They wanted to leave their countries behind, their bindings. But they all still wanted to represent something, wear its symbol. It was a good day, and he'd been so proud of what he'd helped manage for them. A deal with the Devil, that would later come for his soul.]

[He changes songs.] I never got to play this on Peace Day like I wanted... [Which is completely his fault, no question about it.] I never even got a recording of me and Paz together on it.

[The only one he got was in an empty, lonely storehouse. No audience, walls muffled by insulation to soak the sound. The only type that exists.] You had that recording, didn't you? With your iDroid? [He turns his head, tips it so their positioned to speak quietly to one another in that comfortable space they occasionally share.]

[alterplex]

[ Loyal. That does mean something, and it's fairly ironic to consider given Venom's current nebulous position, but— that's not a discussion for today, and right now, it's good enough to think about how that loudmouthed not-quite-adult (though Bucky is sure to contest this designation) has more virtues in him than he might know. Like every ill-fated young man who finds himself with a gun in his hands at a precarious age.

Venom hums in assent, a mm that hovers near Kaz's ear and gets lost in the first few chords of Love Deterrence. He—

(—leans over the railings of mother base, turns on a cassette; Paz's voice drifts through, backed by an acoustic melody that shouldn't be there. "first it goes for your heart with a sorrowful opening, but..." "...but maybe he's had his heart broken, too?"

no, Paz's never said those things, never thought those things. did she? it's just a dream he's having, he—)

—looks into the reflective lenses of Kaz's glasses, and blinks the tightness out of his chest. ]

...Still do. [ His breath whistles through Kaz's hair, displacing a few strands. ] Kept me company for a lot of my rides.

[warandpeace]

[From what Kaz gathers, Steve Rogers (the one that Bucky's been associated with) has helped him become a better man. There's a good soldier in there; Kaz does wish he had more choice in his younger life, though. And would have more choice in his older life, too, now that he thinks about it. Damn. When did choice become so much of an issue?]

[Venom's voice, even a hum, is a strong vibration that runs from the man's throat to his chest. So Kaz hears it and also feels it against the curve of his ear, against his shoulder. That's followed with Snake staring. A sort of distant look, unfocused, and Kaz can't tell if he's looking into his own reflection in mirrored shades or into his eyes or off into a whole other world of thought altogether. And a shameful, thoughtless part of him, one that's aware that he needs to keep this man grounded and report that tear and do a million tasks later wants to ignore every responsible obligation and see if he can tip his chin up and just... see if their mouths happen to meet. See if that would be how he drew him back into this reality.]

[Irresponsible of him. Especially knowing all the things he does. And his own chest aches a little, reminders that he assumed so much of how much this man cared about him, only to discover how misled he'd been. Not Snake's fault. It just turned out that he was a good man living in a bad man's body, and Kaz was just the average recipient of what he'd thought had been exceptional, considerate treatment when he'd needed it. The knowledge... hell of a hard landing to have.]

[It's an ache in his chest that works its way into his fingers, that emerges from carefully plucked strings in the form of sound that could sink deep into whoever listened. The song was kind of written to be like that, though.]

Good.

[Well, not the most profound thing to say to that kind of look. He should probably add something.]

I'm glad.

[alterplex]

[ Kaz's fingers slant over the strings, and the melody hitches like a breath or a sigh. Venom's always been of the impression that the rise and fall of Love Deterrence sounded like quiet resignation for something unattainable— maybe that's why it had such a ridiculously contradictory name. Deterrence? Why?

He feels like he's known, ages before Afghanistan and their subsequent descent, that Kaz always had that sliver of sorrow in him. He's heard as much from Paz's matter-of-fact assessments of 'Miller' over his newly-found cassettes: he may seem a fool, but don't underestimate him. After all, for the light someone casts, there's also an equivalent shadow that trails just behind their feet.

There's some brand of frustration in Venom, that quiet part that festers in his gut. How did Big Boss pull down those walls? He remembers that Kaz smiled more, that his steps were lighter— how can he do that for his XO again?

(why does it bother him, that he can't quite seem to do these things for Kaz?)

(whose feelings are these?)

Venom has nothing clever or particularly useful to say after those simple, kind syllables, so all he manages to do is keep Kaz's forehead tipped into the crook of his neck. Still watching, still attentive— that sniper's focus, shifted away from the malaise of his past to the things that matter in the present.

He watches Kaz, steady and searching, and tries to remember the white of his teeth when he grinned without remorse. ]

[warandpeace]

[He's not saying anything back.]

[Venom's not a man of many words, never has been. His silences can be comfortable, or they can be impenetrable. This is one of the cases of the latter. He's stoic, strong as a statue. And he focuses again on his playing.]

[He shouldn't still make his heart skip when he just breathes on him sometimes.]

Do you remember Nuke? [The animal that Kaz would secretly feed when he thought no one was looking. He'd smile as it nibbled bits of fish out of his hand, tiny, soft face pressing into his palm. Bumping cold nose or licking at salty fish oil with a scratchy tongue. DD brought his own morale, just as valuable, just as special. But in those small moments, a young war monger got to feel gentle.]

[He guess there's no real such thing as a "good" cat. They just want what they want. But having him around was nice. Same as DD, in that they all felt human.]

[Big Boss stopped understanding. That they needed DDs, they needed Ceciles and Nuke the Cats. But John claimed they didn't, they were superficial and useless. But Kaz knew that's the only way they'd succeed. But he didn't care. His mind was set. Kaz supposes his mind is set, too. So he adds at the end-]

If there's anything good you'd like to put in our home, what would it be? You never recommend anything. What would you want?

[alterplex]

[ Does he remember Nuke? Any question of whether or not he remembers anything is largely futile, but Venom is willing to struggle through if Kaz wants to reminisce. Head tipped and lips working in concentration, it's Venom that tips against Kaz for support this time, as if he needs to relinquish his physical support while he fumbles through his disjointed memories. ]

—Yeah. Always stuck around Paz.

[ Because she needed the little presence around her most? Venom won't speculate, but he remembers Paz with her knees drawn up, tucked in a segment of Mother Base that cast shadows over her face as she watched Nuke eat. He thinks he remembers Kaz being a part of a similar equation, but that recollection is a vague cloud of sentimentalism as opposed to anything solid. He keeps mum on it.

The subsequent question is cause for a hint of inquisitiveness in a raised brow— why are you asking?— that gives way to the similar half-beat of contemplation from before. Venom hums under his breath to indicate that he's heard and is now deliberating, a soft rumble against Kaz's shoulder. ]

An addition to Mother Base? [ Which is what he assumes Kaz is talking about. ] ...Thought the Conservation platform would be selfish enough.

[warandpeace]

[He knows she genuinely liked the cat, even if she claimed so many times in those journals she didn't. Part of her ached for normalcy. Nuke had thrived on her attention, grew fat with the love of a wayward girl in the role of a spy and lonely soldiers far from home.]

[Nuke had a pretty good life. That lingering hope he was taken from motherbase in the pre-inspection clean up sparked in him again.]

[Venom's weight is suddenly heavy against him, or rather gradually. The realization hits him quickly is a better description. Mostly at the way his voice rumbles right through his shoulder and his hateful, betraying heart pounds a little louder at the vibration. It's soothing and agitating in the worst ways, both of them together.]

[Kaz forgets where his words were going. He's playing music. That does the talking for him while he tries to recall.]

You're a man of simple pleasures. Animals it is. [He swallows. Closes his eyes. This is such a complicated question.] Let's say... something happened and we had to- [start over? Was there any easy way to talk about this?] If you had a choice in it, what would you like? Been wanting to try snow, myself. Lived in the heat the past fifteen years.

[alterplex]

[ Venom can feel Kaz tensing next to him, opening and closing his mouth to find words that usually seem to come through so naturally. He's close enough to his XO to be able to see the subtle shifts in his expression, the way he closes his eyes to focus (bare eyes visible from the space the lenses leave where they rest on Kaz's cheekbones), and wonders if it's the proximity that's causing a measure of discomfort— it'd never been an issue before, but they have been discussing Venom's differences with Big Boss more candidly recently.

He wonders, but the topic of conversation is friendly enough to offset that concern. Venom does pull back slightly, but not enough that Kaz slips off from his perch against Venom's shoulder.

The shift is punctuated with one of Venom's patented looks, long and searching, at the followup question. ]

Kaz.

[ Is that chiding? Maybe— Venom doesn't consider hypotheticals because they're out of his reach— but he quashes down on that train of thought and buckles himself into his answer after a pause and a lowering of his shoulders. ]

...If we had to be somewhere else. [ He confirms, in lieu of a question. This time, he doesn't wait for an answer before he speaks up again. ] Snow wouldn't be bad, as long as it's somewhere quiet.

[ What a shocker. His brows turn down slightly, as if he knows this is an obvious choice. ]

I can say that I've had enough of sand.

[warandpeace]

[Snake's playing along. He knows it's not done with real hope, but being able to play along, even in the least bit, is something. He relaxes again, shifts more lightly against Venom's shoulder and leans head back so it's resting on it like a pillow.]

I think you'd look good in a pea coat. [He doesn't even think about how that sounds. He just lets himself get lost in the idea.] We could have you a uniform made. Snowy camouflage with bulletproof fabric. Lots of wide open space with easily defensible terrain. But with enough forest to hide transport activity.

[Then he pulls himself out of the thought, and tips his head. Just a little to the side, so his nose nearly meets scruff. His fingers don't rest, but the playing grows quieter.]

[He tried to make them give it back, what they had. He made so much of it the same. But he has the wrong eyes, now, to see them through. Even with a better partner to help him, he had gone from an encouragement to a feared man. He clawed at that past and he couldn't bring it forward with him.]

[Still, it's good to remember. Maybe it's the only way they can actually have it back.]

And anything you miss from back then you'd like us to have again?

[alterplex]

[ There's something to be said about Kaz's tenaciousness towards the future, how he maps a plan for his ambitions and his wants. Some (many) may consider it a lesson in futility— how many times does one person have to be burned before he learns his lesson?— but Kaz's consistency is refreshing enough that Venom entertains the thought of him wading through snow, pulling a jacket over his gear and letting fogged breaths dissipate into the cold.

The comment of him looking good in anything elicits a vague half-laugh, some sort of exhale that he rolls between his teeth. ]

A Mother Base made out of interconnected log cabins, huh.

[ How quaint. It's an idle joke, told while he sifts blond hair away from Kaz's glasses and considers the next question of what he misses. ]

No. [ A light shake of the head, voice tipped low. Callused fingers readjust the frames of Kaz's aviators. ] This is enough.

[ It always has been, as much as he'd agonized and raged over the losses in his life; he woke up with venom in his veins, with poison to level his existence, but vengeance didn't make him whole. He's emptier for it, really, but it's always been the case that the people around him have been his world.

(this includes Kaz, angry spiteful bitter lonely Kaz.) ]

[warandpeace]

[It had felt obvious that Big Boss would come back as a Venom Snake... but he hadn't. Not really. He'd been given that viper. He even wonders if Ocelot whispered to him, made him seek that hate that Big Boss didn't share because he'd grown empty in his own way. Looking to the future. Ignoring the future at the same time.]

This?

[One of those questions in the way they sometimes speak. A repeated word, the keystone of the statement just made. What is "this"? What they have now.]

[He stops playing so he can readjust the guitar, shifts it to the side so it falls against his back when he turns himself. It requires half straddling one of Snake's legs, but it's not as if in a drug induced stupor he didn't crawl right into this poor man's lap and plant a kiss right by that "horn" of his. This time he wraps his arms around his shoulders and presses his cheek to his temple.]

Hey, promise me something. If we get back, and we remember... I want you to go up north with me to see the snow. Alaska or Alberta. Maybe even Akita Prefecture in winter. Not Russia. I've had enough of the reds.

[He probably should have waited for an answer. Instead he just holds onto him with all the determination of a man that doesn't want to lose something else. After all, they'd been talking about all that they didn't have anymore.]

[alterplex]

[ He's mulling over how to explain 'this', how Venom only asks that he preserves what he has and carries at least a part of it over into the future, that he's fine with 'this', with Kaz occasionally leaning on him for support—

—but suddenly their weight shifts and Kaz is right in front of Venom, guitar hefted and face pressed along a scarred forehead. Venom blinks once, twice, and tries to tip his chin up to meet Kaz's expression, but they're too close; he can't read it, and all he can see in his line of vision is a wave of gold hair.

The grip around his shoulders tighten, insistent, and Venom pulls his hands up from his sides to catch the vehemence of Kaz's gesture. His palms settle on his XO's shoulderblades while he sifts through his own frames of references. ]

You're giving me a vacation.

[ A huff of breath, more chuckle than sigh. The proposition is amusing to him in that Kaz always dictates his schedule: Venom hardly has to promise his friend anything at all, but he knows that it's the principle of the thing. That Kaz wants Venom to want to go as well.

Venom leans in, reaffirms to himself after the phantom of their angel of peace that this is real and tangible, that Kaz is someone he can still help. ]

Fine. Find some time between our usual crises. [ A nudge, jaw to jaw. ]

[warandpeace]

Offering you one, yeah. If you want to take it.

[A vacation both of them could take. Of course, Kaz would find an excuse to work, to look into his goals (especially if he hasn't gotten Snake on board with his plans yet). But part of him really would just love to sink handprints into the snow, to fall in a heap into it preferably with his arms wrapped around Venom's neck. Idle fantasies and all that]

[The hug being reciprocated makes his heart race despite every desire to withhold that reaction. He is trying to, as he constantly reminds himself that outside of that drug-addled paradise that Snake was in love with Quiet. That he's straight. That this is foolish. He says it over and over in his head but the warmth that fills him at being held onto in return completely drowns it out. Little things like this make the emotion worth it.]

[That nudge to his jaw might kill him. Better way to go than what Dave's past dictated.]

I'll make time.

[He pulls back just enough to look him in the face, and the new problem that creates is that he can feel breath against his face and those scarred lips aren't that far away (at the same time, they're impossibly out of reach). He's going to fall apart right there if he doesn't do something.]

[With a hand cupped to the back of the other man's head he pulls him closer, kisses his hairline again beside the horn. A forceful, scratchy peck that's given like an inside joke, even if it was a little burst of emotion he couldn't hold back.]

Feeling better? [More in his own head? However it is that V's thinks when he's like this?]

[alterplex]

[ The guitar along Kaz's side makes a quiet sound as it's jostled, and Venom lifts his hand to keep it from slipping while Kaz sits up and casts a shadow over Venom's face. What happens afterwards is a blur, a split-second rush of hands and facial hair and gentle pressure along shrapnel-toughened skin.

This is the second time that Kaz's shown his affections so openly, and Venom can only stop and blink for a few seconds, trying to reconcile the sudden gesture with what he knows of his XO: had Kaz done this sort of thing before (before Diamond Dogs, for 'Snake')? Does it matter if he hasn't? Venom scours his memories of MSF, disjointed scripts that he pages through in his head for something to refer to. He comes up empty.

But the reverent way that Kaz asks him about his feelings (as if they really matter in the end) and the hammering of his pulse that Venom can feel through his palms is—

—well. It sparks something protective in Venom, that futile part of him that continues to want to preserve, and he moves his flesh-and-blood hand from the sleek surface of Kaz's guitar to settle it on the fingers still buried in his hair. ]

Shouldn't have had to make you ask. [ An apology mixed into appreciation; he acknowledges that he gave cause for concern, and he runs his thumb over the ridges of Kaz's knuckles to indicate that he's fine.

(he wants Kaz to rely on him— what does that mean, exactly?) ]

Kaz.

[ There it is again, that one-syllable, all-encompassing 'Kaz'. It's followed by a ruffle to his friend's hair, another 'thank-you'. ]

[warandpeace]

[Sure the first time was motivated by a drug addled mind, overly affectionate and unable to resist. This time... residue of that he supposes and lies to himself.] No. I should ask you more. [If things like that are happening. How often did they happen? Why didn't he know more about it. As it was, Kaz feels as though he should have asked sooner. But he was wrapped up in his own rage, his own pain, and even having looked through Venom's medical file he hadn't stopped to consider how the man might have ached in other ways besides phantom pains. Memories might have been twice as intense. Their own phantoms.]

[But Kazuhira Miller is selfish and full of wants. Lonely, angry, and sad for the future he wanted for himself. That doesn't mean he has no kindness or generosity or empathy, though, and he should have looked harder for it in this man. To his credit, why would he have had to expect anything but stability and leadership from "Big Boss"?]

[Kaz is reluctant to slip away, to pull away from a solid warm body and comforting touch since he is greedy for those things. But he does, rather than demanding that soothing space be occupied, and stands in front of him.]

I know we were talking... about how it was good. But it wasn't always good. I know I brought that up before, but there's a reason I came out of that sauna covered in bruises [the incident that Paz had mentioned, one he's not sure the Medic had seen], a reason that I barely slept with anyone during those nine years. [And when he had, it felt empty. So he hadn't bothered to again after a point.] And when I joined him... it was that or die. I competed to try and earn the right to leave. Didn't work.

[He points at Snake, a loose finger-shake to go with his next promise. With his left hand, too, as if he's grown to favor it even with the option of a right.] That's why I gotta beat you at something. So I can ask you for something big. I know I don't have to. But I'm gonna do it anyway.

[alterplex]

[ Kaz's rebuttal is cause for Venom to raise a brow, equal parts questioning but understanding. It isn't Venom's intention to be treated delicately or be tiptoed around like a minefield: his situation may be unique, yes, but he isn't willing to compromise whatever faith Kaz has built up for him over the past few months just so he can tend to futile wounds.

It's... disappointing when Kaz pulls away, and Venom can't quite put a name to that particular emotion. But he lets that weight lift, and he's back to respecting Kaz's insistence on standing on his own two legs. Obstinate, frustrating, and endlessly strong.

(again, though— he still wants Kaz to rely on him, when he can.) ]

Competed.

[ Clarification, and a way for Venom to dig into his memories. Yes, he remembers 'his' first encounter with Kaz: a samurai with a grenade, 'never losing again'. Then something a little clearer, a passed-out new recruit on a medbay bed, recuperating until—

—right. Venom closes his eye, breathes in. ]

...If that's what you want.

[ He'll give this to Kaz, as long as it stays within the realm of reasonable competition. ]