thisavrou_log | [closed] but don't you remember

[closed] but don't you remember

Who: Armin and Eggsy (

commontype)
When: 8/7
Where: The observation deck
What: Eggsy is someone important from Armin's past, but he doesn't remember that.
Warnings: AAAAAAAAAAAAAANGST, potential of Armin's past including drugging, prostitution and other stressful situations, will try to warn as necessary

[Every footstep against the cold, sterile floor of the Moira seems to tell Armin: stop. Don't. Leave. Run. But Armin has never listened to those fears. He knows if he doesn't see Eggsy now, the fear of running into him will haunt him. Better to get it out of his system, see for himself that Eggsy truly doesn't remember. Then he can move on, as he was always meant to.

Still, he wears the sea green party dress with the white lace detail along the shoulders and collar. It was a gift from Eggsy, birthday, he thinks. They were going to a place to dance in London before the Ingress pulled him here. Armin leans against the glass of one of the windows, watching the starscape and thinking of the innumerable lights of London, of the beautiful, light-filled apartment in Eros. He wants to smoke a cigarette, wants something to do with his hands and distract from this inevitably awful situation.

He wants to believe Eggsy is going to smile when he enters the doorway. That Eggsy will call him 'luv'. But it won't happen. No matter how much he wants it to.]

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[Made us do things. Drugs. Favors and this is all too fucked up.] How long was you there? And you came here straight after?

[Eggsy's mouth is pressed into a hard line, brows raised in confusion. He didn't like the idea of anyone forcing anyone to do anything they didn't want, or tricking and drugging them. It makes him ill.]

Yeah? Wouldn't have wanted them to take advantage of anyone. I'm glad I took a shine to ya.

[Armin wrings his fists, bunching up his skirt. His face is a storm cloud of distress, it threatens rain and thunder.]

I was there ten months. Between there and here, I also visited London. With you. You introduced me to your mother and sister. I wore this - I wore this because we were going to go dancing. This dress was a gift from you. You've given me so many clothes, but I like this color. It reminds me of the ocean. It used to be my dream to visit the ocean.

[The rain gathers, and Armin takes three sharp breaths through his nose to keep it from falling. He speaks rapidly, as if he can chase away the tears with his words.]

We'd been granted leave to go, with the understanding the witches would take us back through a portal at the end. And they never did. Th-that's why I had to see you. You were just in the next room a minute before I came here, and then you didn't come see me when I arrived. I had to know. I had to know none of it was real to you anymore... and I had to tell you the truth, because if you are the same man you were when we first met, or anything like it, then you'd want the truth.

[Eggsy's frown deepens, and he kicks at the ground with the tip of his shoe, rocking the kitten in his arms softly. He wants to understand, but it's all a bit much and he kind of gets the feeling that whatever he might be feeling, Armin's feeling a thousand times worse than he is.]

I took ya back to London? Introduced you to my mum and sis?

[He sighs then, suddenly a lot more aware than he'd been a few minutes before that.]

It sounds like I took more than a shine. Wouldn't have taken just anyone back home like that. [He swipes his hand through his hair, disheveling it.] I am glad ya told me. If I'd had found out later, would've felt off, yeah? Been right pissed that you hadn't said anythin'.

'M sorry, yeah? For what it's worth, I am sorry that I'm not the same man you knew.

[Armin doesn't try to wipe away his tears. He lets the world blur, wishing he could drown. Wishing that it was all just the driving London rain in his face, and soon Eggsy would wipe it away and things would be fresh and new and full of possibilities again. He should be happy he's in space with a fresh chance to explore, but every word of this conversation is like a hammer against glass. This is why he hadn't wanted to fall in love in the first place. This is why.

He's stupid, and the world is cruel. He ought to be grateful he can see Eggsy's face again, and know for certain that it's over. But Eggsy is alive and well here at least.]

I'm lucky you're such a good person - I can see you do believe me, even though my story is so bizarre. You don't have to apologize. I'm. I'm really happy that you're not living with the memories of what went down there, honestly. And I see that Harry's here - I'm so glad, I know how much he means to you.

[He's careful not to say 'you're getting more time with him' or something to that effect, in case this Eggsy is from a point in time where Harry hasn't died yet. Armin sniffles, trying to gather some dignity. or the sake of his question, he hastily wipes at his face.]

Do you have someone here? I won't be hurt if you do. I want to know. Are you happy?

[There are still a lot of gaps, some that he selfishly isn't sure he wants filled, but it's already been a lot and he doesn't think this is the last time they'll ever get to talk to one another.]

Maybe we can talk about that stuff more, yeah? Not now, but whenever.

[He steps back towards one of the giant observation windows, sliding down until he's sitting with his legs folded under him.]

You know Harry? [Which isn't surprising considering everything else.] I dunno. Was happy, yeah?

[A sigh and he scrubs his hand across his face.]

It ain't smart to love anyone here. Thought I'd be lucky, you know, once I realized I was in love with him. He'd always be here, and when the time came for him to go back home, I would've gone with him. [Eggsy shrugs.] Wake up one day and he's gone. Ingress took him home for no reason.

You told me about Harry. I always wanted to meet him, actually, since you admire him so much. But I can't get up the nerve to approach him, I have no idea how I'd explain how I knew him in the first place and it seems disingenuous to pretend I don't. [Armin finds himself speaking to Eggsy and saying more than he ought to say to a stranger, it's difficult to put up those walls, even though he's shouting in the back of his mind he has to be careful.]

...It's not smart to love anyone anywhere, really, but we still do, you know? It's a weakness most people have, caring for others. The most you can hope for is that you don't lose them, or they don't betray you.[Or forget you. Or exist in an alternative timeline where you never met.] And your enemies never exploit that love.

That's the scariest thing about it. Being helpless.

[Armin slides down next to Eggsy. Not close enough to touch, they're not there yet. Maybe some people would be jealous to hear about their lover loving someone else, but Armin had discovered himself to be unusually open to such things. He'd loved someone else in Eros, too, and never found it to interfere with his feelings for Eggsy. If anything, it made their expressions of love stronger.] You told me once that no one ever really loved you before. Not like that. I always thought that must be impossible, because anyone who spent time with you would fall for you hopelessly. I thought for sure you'd had a million girlfriends before you came to Eros. [Armin chuckles.] I'm sure he loves you very much, and maybe you'll get to see him again. And... maybe you won't. I won't sit here and tell you that it's okay he's gone, or that you're better off, that would make me a giant hypocrite. I just know that I tried with every bone in my body not to fall in love because I was afraid, and it still happened. What can anyone do about that? It's not your fault. It just means you still have some part of you that dares to hope. And I'm not saying this with an agenda - I know I'm really too young to be an appropriate choice for you, now that we're being magically brainwashed into wanting sex all the time.

You... gave me hope in a way that I didn't have before. So I don't want you to lose all of yours. If that's too much for me too say, if it's too presumptuous, I'm sorry. Just consider it a wish for one human being to another and nothing else.

Just tell him the truth. Harry wouldn't like it if you lied to him. Fuck he might be able to tell if you do. [His mentor was something of an enigma still, even though they've been able to get to know each other so much better.] But I really do think you should pop in and meet him. You don't have to tell him everything, just don't lie about it.

[Eggsy thinks Armin's too young to know so much, to have seen so much. Everything he says makes sense, a lot of it, and he hates that the young man sitting beside him would have had to experience heartbreak and pain and loss.]

A million girlfriends. That's too much work, bruv. [And Eggsy had been too young to want to be that serious. He smiles when Armin laughs, turning to look at him.] Suppose this feels easy cause you knew me before? Don't really like to talk about my feelin's so much but this is okay.

[He looks away again, tucking the sleeping kitten closer to his chest.]

I don't know if he loved me. Least I never got to hear him say it. Felt like it, yeah? The way he treated me was the same way you talk about the me you knew. Like I'm special. [More special than Eggsy thinks he is.] I - [Miss Gregor too much to even be able to consider something with someone else.] But you're young and there's others on the ship that are your age. Bet if you got to know them, you'd hit it off with someone.

Maybe we could get to know each other, yeah? I can't promise I'll be the person you knew. I don't think I am, but we can be a part of each other's lives.

I'm sorry. It must be strange for me to be so overly familiar. I don't exactly go know how to go backward from trusting someone with every secret to them not knowing you at all.

[Armin looks at the kitten Eggsy has tucked close. He wants to reach out to touch it, to touch Eggsy, but that's still too much just yet. Maybe ever. Shit. He'll probably never get to hold Eggsy's hand again, let alone kiss him. The reality is truly starting to solidify.]

And I loved you. [I still do.] I don't know if that means much to you, but I do think you're special, and I think most people who've met you would agree. And I'm sure if you were together, he thought you were special. That's how these things work. Most people don't like to waste their time.

[Armin takes a breath.] I'll try to stop talking to you like I know you. I don't know that there's much to say about me as a person anyway. I suppose you seem to think so - hmm, you were impressed by my military training and flexibility.

[As for comments about his age or meeting people his own age, he's going to skip over it. That hurts too much right now. Armin hates knowing how much he's been up to is unusual for his age, hates being reminded that maybe he 'should' be some kid getting ready for exams. Not a veteran who's killed people and watched hundreds of his friends and comrades die. Not a former prostitute who's done humiliating things to survive. When people say he's 'just a kid', he feels like he's done something wrong.]

Edited 2016-08-25 07:00 (UTC)

I mean, it is strange, yeah? But so much of this place is weird, you kinda get used to it.

[A part of him also thinks it'd be nice, having someone that could know him so well. Eggsy has a handful of people that are that familiar with him but none of those are romantic situations. None of them are in love or were in love with a version of him. Eggsy sighs, dropping his head back against the glass.]

Why wouldn't that mean much to me? It's a lot to process, but that don't mean it's nothin'. Just gonna take some time to understand what's goin' on here.

[He wishes he could tell Armin that he loves him too, that he's the person he knew from back then, that everything doesn't have to always be shit, but he can't say those things. If they were that close, that familiar, then he'd know that Eggsy was lying and that wouldn't do anybody any good.]

Nah, you don't have to. Just go slow with me, yeah? [The military bit though, yeah, he can work with that.] I did? Mind tellin' me about it some?

Um, well, I don't know how much you want to know. [Armin flushes.] Back when we were first getting to know each other you really wanted to know about my training, I think, you were really impressed with the balance and strength I've achieved in my thighs. [Surely Eggsy won't ask how that came up.] And you thought it was um, cool? I was trained to used specialized equipment from almost the first day of my enlistment, since I was 12. You said, um, it seemed almost acrobatic, my training, or like gymnastics. Only even more dangerous. But all of it, the training, the military, the harshness of it, came from how bad things are in my world. Humanity is on the verge of dying out there, and for some reason... [Armin sucks in a deep breath through his nose.] For some reason I'm not there fighting like I should be.

'S much as you wanna tell me.

[Eggsy would stop him if he started into something Eggsy couldn't listen to, but after everything he's seen and experienced in his life, and everything he's heard so far, he can't imagine Armin's got anything to say that he can't handle.]

In your- [His thighs. Yeah, okay. He can get why that came up. His face flushes.] I can see that, yeah? Cause it would've been stuff we had in common. Gymnastics. Training. Military.

If you're not there, and you're here, it's for a reason. I dunno about fate and all that shit, but if you were supposed to be there you would be.

[Armin nods.] We'd work out together sometimes. I'd only recently learned much about swimming, and you helped me perfect that, and a few other things. Sparring, too. We even wound up fighting some horrid river monster things together one time. [Armin shakes his head. Strange that it's a fond memory now, in its own way. Even the saddest, most uncomfortable moments are enough to wring a sentimental tear out of him now.]

You know, it's funny. When other people say something about things happening for a reason, I assume they just don't know what else to say. They want to believe that life makes sense and isn't simply needlessly cruel. But I've always believed you. I don't know why, I suppose love is like that. I believed you when you said I never deserved anything that happened to me, or the world I was born into. So. I'll endeavor to believe it now too.

[Armin hugs his knees to his chest.]

...I really am sorry for all of this. I can't imagine you really think that I've harassed you like this because it's meant to be.

Life doesn't always make sense. Sometimes it is needlessly cruel. Sometimes bad things happens and they fuckin' blow and we never find out why. But that doesn't mean you deserved any of it. That anybody deserved the shit dealt 'em.

[Eggsy slides closer, gently lifting the small kitten and placing it on the ground near his feet; safe but giving him room to move. He doesn't know if he should touch Armin, but this is a good way to start, he thinks.]

Who said anythin' about harassin'? Just cause we're talkin' doesn't mean it ain't wanted.

[He huffs softly.]

Besides, I asked you to tell me and I'm glad you did. I wish I had answers for ya. That I knew where we could go from here.

[Armin drops one hand, offering it to the teensy kitten to sniff.]

I don't know either. I usually have a plan.

I wanted to see you. That was the plan. I don't usually act on plans that only have one step and an unpredictable outcome like that... It's bad tactics. You need to have exit strategies, contingencies.

But I...

[Armin leaves the thought dangling, trailing off. The kittens seems to trust him well enough, so he begins to pet it.]

I hardly ever have a plan.

[Which isn't always a good thing, but it works for him a lot of the time.]

But emotions got the better of you, yeah? Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

[Eggsy reaches down and pets the kitten alongside Armin, nudging it in his direction.]

She's too small to be left on her own? I think the ship messed with her pod and she was born too soon. All the kittens is small but she's the tiniest.

I think you probably have more capacity for planning than you think. But maybe it's easier to say you don't have a plan than say a plan didn't work out how you hoped.

[Armin lets the kitten sniff his fingers.]

It's impossible to plan for a situation like this... being on a ship in space... being separated from everyone and everything... Do you at least have JB here? When I first met you, I didn't really understand why people kept pets as companions. Then you gave me a kitten... She's regular sized. Her name is Liza.

[Eggsy sighs and scoots closer, nudging the kitten closer as he goes.]

Keep sayin' things like you don't know me. I've gotta be honest, I really don't know how to do this. All I wanna do is apologize to you.

[He's really not good at any of this. He wants to be, but he's not.]

JB's here, yeah? You should come get him sometimes. Everyone borrows him and walks and carries him around. I call this one lil' bit. Liza's a good name though. You ever seen My Fair Lady?

[That particular question punches the air out of Armin's lungs. Why does this hurt so much? At least Eggsy is alive and well. He's witnessed so much worse. Been through so much worse. But there's a sharp pain in his breastbone that won't pass.]

Y-yes. Her full name is Eliza Mewlittle, actually. For the film. I'd never seen a film before, not all the way through. They don't have them in my world, and I don't like how noisy movies are in theaters. [For someone who'd never been exposed to them, they're far too noisy, far too bright.] I like musicals. They're not the least bit realistic, but it's kind of nice when everyone gets together in the end. Well, men and women do, at least.

[When the kittens appears to trust him, Armin scoops it up in one hand, stroking its velvety little ears.]

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[closed] but don't you remember

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