thisavrou_log | Strain this chaos, turn it into light

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Strain this chaos, turn it into light

Who: Toriel & you!
When: July 4th - 6th
Where: Around what's left of the ship.
What: Toriel emerges from death, more than a little confused and agitated. She copes by taking care of what is left of the ship.
Warnings: Talk of death, battle and bloodshed? Also glass children will probably appear.

[A - July 4th]

Waking up in the medbay was something Toriel was not finding particularly enjoyable. The only relief she finds is the fact she isn't tired or injured. She's alive again, somehow. With Curre's assistance, Toriel is back on her feet easily enough.

She saves whatever thoughts she has regarding the battle, the chaos that unfolded upon the ship for later. Whilst she does not have the warmest spot in her soul for the Captains, she can see they're trying. Trying and failing, again and again.

When given the clear, Toriel more than happily leaves the medbay, startled by the sea of glass and people passing her by. She has missed much in the wake of the battle ending.

A gusty, tired "Oh." Escapes her as she surveys the damage. Rooms are gone, the dining hall is now merely an emptied room. Toriel lingers, stunned by the sight. She doesn't realize she's blocking the hallway until someone jostles by her.

"Ah- my apologies." She offers back weakly, gaze briefly moving to the person passing by.

[B - July 5th]

Toriel does what she can to make things easier, gently brushing aside fallen shards of glass from the floor. She is relieved the broom in her grasp is still wooden and solid. She wishes she had some form of dustpan, but finding the broom was already a task in itself.

All the glass makes Toriel wish shoes were an option for herself, but she'll make do. If she can keep the glass to the side out of the main footpath it should be fine.

"Be careful, dear. Something shattered around here." She advises someone approaching, not glancing up from her work. "Step carefully."

[C - July 6th]

Coming to the garden was a mistake. Toriel realizes this immediately when her eyes fall upon the glass sculpture. Before she had thought it was lovely, without context it seemed respectful.

In Memory of Caducus Primary
the glass may reflect images of the past and future

Now it felt like a cruel joke played upon all of those who came after the fall of Caducus. Toriel clenches her fist at her sides, frowning tightly at the sculpture before forcing herself to move on.

Those who walk into the gardens will find her cleaning off the playground equipment she and Peter installed before the battle. The boss monster mutters softly to herself as she works on making sure no glass lay on the plastic surfaces of the playground equipment.

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... Before a different kind of fear and panic settle in. Sheer relief too, and that overwhelming feeling of grief comes right back up to surface again as her death passes through his mind.

Tears are already forming in his eyes, and he's not sure if he should run to her, avoid touching her out of fear that she'll vanish, or run away. But he can't make a decision, and he hasn't moved.

"M-mom... you're back."

Edited 2016-07-08 05:13 (UTC)

Her son's initial reaction just makes Toriel's expression drop, a hand pressing against her chest. Asriel, Flowey- this child has lived so many life times and seen too much. This is just another scar for him, it makes Toriel's anger towards the Captains grow all the stronger.

"I did tell you I would return." She takes a few steps forward, crouching low and carefully pulling Asriel into her grasp. She hasn't missed the glass across her son's chest, so her touch is tender and gentle.

The expression change on Toriel's face causes Asriel's heart to twist painfully. Even if she didn't know what he did (did she?), she still knew what kind of person he was.

The guilt and shame follows immediately as she pulls him close to her. He doesn't try to think too hard about it. Not right now. He needs this right now.

He hugs back, resting his head on her shoulder. Tears flow a little easier.

"They got everyone. Papyrus, Sans... even Frisk."

His words leave her cold, every monster had died. Every one she loved had died in this battle none of them had any real part in causing. The Captain's actions had caused so much suffering. Toriel simply noses into Asriel's cheek. Her own feelings on the matter can be dealt with later. Asriel needs her. He needs his mother.

"My baby boy- I'm sorry, my child. I'm sorry you had to see this." He has seen so much worse, but he deserves so much better. "Frisk is back, I'm back. We're here for you."

Asriel is quiet for a little longer. What he wants to do is nuzzle back, bury his face in her fur and cry until he's all cried out. But at the words "we're here for you", he knows what he has to do.

He pulls away from her grip a little, tiny hands still holding onto her shoulders.

"Mom... I... I did something really terrible."

He doesn't want to tell her. He doesn't want to see the look on her face when he does. He doesn't want to see the look of disgust, or the horror when Toriel realizes the kind of demon her son's turned into.

"Something you might hate me for."

The seriousness of his tone leaves Toriel feeling grim. She reaches out to stroke her fingers across his cheek gently, a wordless promise therein. Knowing what she does now, the boss monster is a little afraid of what her son did in response to all this death.

"Asriel, I will never hate you... Please, tell me what happened?" She will be disappointed, disgusted, frightened- but Toriel cannot hate her son. He is only a child, a child the world has treated so unfairly. A child who needs love to counteract all the self hatred he carries.

She would, or at least she should. At the very least as much as he hates himself. Sans really was right in the end, wasn't he? He really did regret it all.

"When I saw what they did to everyone... I... I got really scared."

He sucks in a breath. It causes his chest to sting, but he continues on.

"But then I got really mad. Mad like... I used to get as Flowey. I took one of the human's souls and..."

He rubs at his eyes, his face twisting into helpless anger.

"...I got revenge."

She gently cups Asriel's cheek in her hand, as she listens to her son talk. "...Asriel." The disappointment is clear enough in her voice, she can't and won't hide that. It was almost easier to get angry when he was a merely flower. Someone who wasn't her child, a nuisance that made snide comments and sneered at everything she did.

Life is always easier in hindsight isn't it? Knowing always complicates things. Toriel doesn't dwell on the thought, focusing purely on her son. He was once that flower, once that menace. He is merely a child, a child with a soul and emotions again carrying more than he ever needed to carry.

She strokes her thumb gently across his cheek, "Revenge never makes things better, Asriel. It never does."

Edited 2016-07-09 22:25 (UTC)

The disappointment is expected. He killed without a shred of mercy - even when he tried to justify it, he knew it was wrong. He just didn't want to stop until that anger went away. Of course, it never did.

He blinks back tears, finally looking up at her face. There wasn't any hatred. Not now, and not when he told her what he really was. It makes him wonder if it'd be easier if she did hate him. At least that kind of reaction would make some kind of sense.

He doesn't want her to, though. He doesn't want to keep hurting her either. Every path he chooses, it always feels like it ends up being the wrong one.

"I'm sorry..." his voice comes out soft and tearful. He sucks in another breath of air painfully, "I'm sorry... I want to take it back... I'm sorry..."

"My little boy..." Her touch is still gentle, steady whilst the boy struggles to hold back his tears. "It is something that can't be taken, back, my son. I'm sorry, I'm sorry things turned out this way. These things stay with you, but you cannot let them weigh you down." It is her turn to feel the prickle of tears sting at her eyes.

If Toriel could turn back time, could have seen what was coming, she would have forced herself to live somehow. Lived to keep her son from making this mistake. Asriel has suffered so much, and returned that suffering in kind to those unfortunates in his path.

"I'm gravely disappointed in you, but- I will never stop loving you." She carefully moves to pull Asriel close, wanting to hold him. A a deep protective sound escapes her as she holds onto him.

Asriel leans into her a little, burying his face into her fur. It's a little dangerous for them both, with his glass chest pressing against her. But he doesn't think about it, there's just a quick painful hiss as he shifts himself to get closer.

The disappointment hurts. It feels like another added wound on top of the one he's opened by revealing all he's done as Flowey. But she still loves him. He keeps doing this to her and she still keeps loving him.

"I keep hurting you though."

He blinks, and suddenly Toriel's fur is a little damp from where Asriel's buried his face.

"That's all I keep doing."

His death, his revival, his time as Flowey, the fact that he can't be the same Asriel as he was before, and now this.

Edited 2016-07-11 00:49 (UTC)

The small hiss makes Toriel loosen her grip only slightly, not wanting to hurt her child. She rumbles lowly in the back of her throat- the sound of a monster. A nonverbal response amongst all the words. An easy unspoken, 'I love you'.

"Asriel, you've made many mistakes, but you can recover from them." She believes that wholeheartedly, even if her son does not. "I have made as many, if not more mistakes in my life. The hardest part is getting up from them and moving forward."

Asriel's nose bumps under her chin, and he mimics the sound back - it's a little loud, interrupted by the occasional pained sound. He can't take it back, he can't reset anymore. It's too late, he's already become what he was trying so hard to avoid.

"I won't hurt a human. I promise. I'll never, ever hurt a human again."

The pained sound only makes her shift to press a quick peck against his snout, reluctant to let go of her son.

"Only hurt if forced to." She answers gently back, "You can defend yourself, Asriel. You can't let revenge blind you to what you're doing. Even if it feels good in the moment, there will always be regrets." She's proud of him for wanting to change, for intending to try even if it wasn't easy. "Don't hurt human, monster or whatever else lives out here without a good reason."

He nods, continuing his throat rumbling. The idea of lashing out again makes him sick - even if it's to defend himself. It seemed like it was so easy to lose control of himself.

"I won't, mom. I won't."

He presses his head against her a little.

"I don't want to be another Flowey again."

"I know, little one, I know." She strokes her fingers gently through the unruly tufts of fur atop his head. "You won't, I know you won't become him again."

It's almost easy to pretend Flowey is a different person, but they both know he isn't. Toriel can't lie to herself, nor can she watch her son fall back into that creature's habits.

Asriel grows quiet for a little bit, letting her run her fingers through his fur while he fights off a fresh wave of tears. It'd be tempting, just to cry out everything that happened this past week. Their brutal deaths, the fear of dying himself, watching everyone flee or fight for their lives, the guilt of his own murders threatening to crush his heart, and the pain from the glass across his chest.

He wanted to believe that Flowey was gone for good. But that was never true, was it? He was always a part of Asriel, no matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise. Every time Asriel felt that painful, bitter cynicism and hopelessness, he was there.

...How long would it be before Flowey takes over, and there's nothing of the "old" Asriel left?

Asriel sniffs, rubbing at his face. Everyone believes he can get better. Can he?

"...I've been staying with Rinzler while everyone's been gone."

Toriel continues to gently stroke her fingers through fur, offering a low comforting sound from deep within her throat. A sound Asriel has heard from infancy through most of his childhood.

Toriel is no mind reader, far from it- but she can guess her son's fears aren't simply quelled with that. He carries the weight of what he has done with him. She doubts he'll be able to shed that anytime soon. Death on the scale he has seen and been exposed to again doesn't simply fade away with a few kind words.

"I'm glad." Two months ago she wouldn't have been, oh how time changes things... "Has he been good company?"

The comforting words help, not being turned away from her out of fear and disgust helped even more. The gnawing fear still remained at the back of his mind. He had to do better, he had to try harder...

He proved to himself how easy it was to cross that line again. Now it was a matter of trying even harder to separate himself from it, if he even could. It hurts, his chest hurts, and he's so disgusted at how little he's changed.

The comforting noise from Toriel eases his mind a little, like a lullaby. He trembles a little bit, holding it in for now, and nods at her question.

"Y-yeah, he's been taking good care of me."

"I certainly owe him a pie- if he can eat them." She offers gently back aiming to make her son smile with the mental image of his friend with a pie. Toriel can't really picture Rinzler being much of a pie fan. "Though he would be more a scone fan, one would think. It seems more fitting."

She noses Asriel gently, rumbling lowly again hoping to ease the boy's trembling.

His trembling calms with her rumbling, but he holds onto her tightly. He's afraid of letting go, he's afraid that if he lets go she'll turn into dust again. He offers a tearful chuckle as he tries to imagine Rinzler eating pie.

"Heh. I'm not sure if Rinzler likes pie... or if he can eat one."

Come to think of it, he hasn't ever seen Rinzler eat. He's not sure if he does, really. The smile fades a little, as Asriel's eyes trail to where Toriel was wounded. He very gently lifts a paw and places it over that same spot.

"... Does it hurt?"

"We'll have to find a substitute then." She muses softly back, still slowly rubbing her son's back hoping to help ease him further.

"No, it doesn't." That is the truth opposed to a parental attempt to cover things up for child's benefit. She had the luck of awakening without pain or lingering injury. No wonder people thought of death so lightly here.

"I feel fine, little one. The only thing that hurts is the fact I cannot make things easier for you and your siblings."

Her answer gives him some relief, though he doesn't remove his paw just yet. Some childish fear rises up in him, that if he lets go she'll turn to dust all over again. It wasn't the first time she's died in front of him, but it was the first time that he could feel the sheer, overwhelming anguish from it.

He hated Flowey now more than he ever did.

Still, having Toriel feel bad right after coming back from death was something he didn't want. He's not sure if there's anything she should do - they honestly didn't stand a chance against humans armed with weapons and a willingness to kill them all. And it wasn't her fault that he's made the mistakes that he has, those were things he had no one to blame but himself.

He swallows his own feelings, his throat rumbling in response to the hand on his back. And then he tries something he thinks will make her feel a little better.

"Knock knock."

Her hand drifts to hold his own against where her injury once was. Her grip is gentle, comforting as she can make it for the little boy.

If Toriel had the power to, she would make things easier for her children, give them the chance to heal comfortable. If she could she would make sure they were safe from the mess this ship has become.

She smiles softly back at her son, defaulting to humor at a time of crisis seems to be a family trait between them. "Who is there?"

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Strain this chaos, turn it into light

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