[closed] so i wandered off

[notyetsore]

Who: Ginko, Kaworu, Frisk, Chara
When: May 19th
Where: Some random wooded area in Ginko’s world
What: Pasty white-haired anime children in the woods, A Rescue, and also Ginko getting himself a mushi infection, good job buddy
Warnings: high probability of suicidal ideation, also eventually eye parasites



For Kaworu

Ginko can’t say he’s quite sure why Kaworu followed him when he snuck through the portal. Of course, he’s not sure he can quite say he knew what he was expecting if he had gone through alone. He doubts it would have gone well, but… he’s not sure how much it matters at this point.

This does present something of a problem, though. He hadn’t planned on anyone coming with him, and, in fact, it sort of defeats the purpose. But it’s not like he can very well send Kaworu back.

So instead, he sticks with his first plan.

He starts walking.

For Frisk and Chara (and Kaworu)

He’s not sure just how long it’s been since they went through the Ingress. Several hours, anyway, and he’s been walking just about the whole time. And he hasn’t found anything to eat. And, of course, there are mushi swarming around him more all the time, and Kaworu keeps talking, and at some point the sky apparently decided that it seemed like a good idea to just dump water all over them.

Once they found a rocky outcropping that could provide some kind of shelter, it didn’t take a lot of thought for Ginko to decide that he was done for the night. He had scooted backward under the rock, knees pulled up to his chest, and with only a brief announcement to Kaworu of his intentions, had buried his face in his arms and closed his eyes.

And then, after a moment of thought, he closed them again.

...After all this, there was still something comforting about the light flow. Its gentle glow, far below him, the soft sounds of a thousand half-formed mushi drifting through the darkness.

Comments

[braceforimpact]

Kaworu's head is filled with something hot and painful, the lining inside his skull pounding with whatever agony it is that his infestation has inflicted on him, and he still finds his laugh in the wake of Ginko's answer.

It's a thin, wheezing laughter--childish instead of sinister, though its spirit is as much cruel as it is innocent.

"So you're choosing death?"

[notyetsore]

A moment passes before Ginko answers.

"I guess so."

There's a chance he won't die, of course. He's been in similar situations before, and survived - but that was out of sheer chance. He can't assume that the same will happen again.

Maybe that's for the best.

[braceforimpact]

"No. You're not choosing anything, are you? You're just rejecting life so it can't hurt you, the same way you do to people. The world scares you because it has people in it, so you never make any choices. You think that by not participating in anything, you can avoid pain."

Ginko is right, of course. Kaworu is in absolutely no real danger, no matter how bad his infestation becomes. Theoretically, he could probably find a way to use his power to ensure Ginko's survival, or at least help him.

But in practise, Kaworu's help...

"I'm right, aren't I?"

It's kind of too bad.

For a moment there, it looked like Ginko and Kaworu might have had something in common.

[notyetsore]

Several seconds pass before he responds.

"Sort of. But not completely."

He's tired of being hurt. But he's also tired of other people being hurt. He doubts he could convince Kaworu that this isn't just for him, though, and frankly? He's about done caring that he can't. Maybe Kaworu is too stubborn to listen, or maybe he's right and Ginko is just telling himself he's trying to help others to make himself feel better.

"I know I can't keep from getting hurt. I've never been able to stop it, and I never will. And I'm making a choice now. I could have stayed on the ship, but I decided not to."

Granted, he was panicking at the time, and still might be somewhere in the back of his mind. But it was still a decision he made.

"Unless you only think it counts if it's what you think I should do."

[braceforimpact]

"What I think doesn't matter." Kaworu's as blunt as a brick, and about as impersonal. But it's true--what he thinks Ginko should do is irrelevant. He doesn't even have an opinion in the matter.

Why Ginko thinks he would is beyond him.

"But you'll never find happiness, doing what you're doing." This is also true. "You decided not to stay on the ship, but you don't want to think about the consequences. You're just reacting and running away from your fears without thinking about where you're going."

How does Lilim get anywhere when its components act like this? Kaworu can't understand it.

[notyetsore]

"Then maybe you could stop talking about it."

His voice is just a bit too tired to sound particularly snappish.

He gives a quiet hum, wrapping his arms around himself. "...Maybe. But... I'm not going to end up happy, anyway. If I try to actually do anything, I always just screw it up. At least this way I can do as little damage as possible."

Just disappear, and let other people have their happiness, without him around to screw it up.