thisavrou_log | Dumb and Dumberer ( CLOSED )

Dumb and Dumberer ( CLOSED )

Who: Bucky Barnes

sidecars and Big Boss

camouflage
When: Early March
Where: Training Simulation Room
What: That one time a grown ass old man was scared of vampires and a child saved him.
Warnings: Excessive amounts of Nazi killing, probably some period racism

[ Fortunately for all parties involved, Bucky is so set in his ways as an Allied force of nature that most of the simulations he has saved for himself have Nazi SS officers as part of the programming. Now all he has to do is randomize an evil Nazi castle (and there are plenty to choose from let him tell you), and add a wonderful final boss at the end that he hopes will confuse the hell out of old man Ish, letting Bucky sweep in and save the day.

Goddamn he is having more fun with a fifty year old than a man his age ever should. Oh well, he's ready to whoop Ishmael's ass. He's got the box and wrapping all picked out. Then he's gonna spank it and hand it back in that box. It will be perfect.

By the time ol' One-Eye shows up, Bucky is almost done with inputs as he hums one of Glenn Miller's big band sounds. ]

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[like wise, john is probably enjoying his time around a twenty year old more than he should. of course, john has never acted his age, but it's probably still weird from the outside. the main reason he had suggested this was so he could have a distraction. john desperately needed one, after meeting up his clones who were grown-men and the whole debacle with miller. jim was completely outside of that all.

as always, john shows up slightly later than the time specificed, giving bucky time wrap up whatever he's doing.]

Hope you're not gonna cheat because you built the sim.

A virile young man, like myself, doesn't need a handicap to beat you, Ishy my pal. And this program lets you select randomized "levels", so it'll be new and fresh for me as well. Worry your chain-smoking heart no more.

[ He presses a few more buttons on the panel. ]

I've set it for thirty minutes with unlimited Krauts. When time's up, though, we'll see how you deal with non-human fodder. [ His grin is very big, making his dimples stand out. ] Should be fun. What weapon do you wanna use?

Who ever said I chain-smoked? [granted, there were some days he did, but more often than not he was busy not being killed or spotted on a mission to smoke cigars. it's the reason why he hasn't gone crazy without nicotine yet or smoked his only cigar. he could probably go cold-turkey for about another week before he knew the cravings would settle in.

but anyway, he lets it drop in lieu of something more important. such as thinking up a good weapon for a simulation like this. if there were going to be unlimited enemies, he was going to need a lot of bang for his buck. something not exclusively long-range, either.]

M16A1, with a M203 mod. I'll have my knife on me in case anything gets close.

I dunno, I figured that rugged masculine growl of yours was manufactured. [ He begins searching the database for his specs. It takes him a bit of time since he isn't familiar with the model. ] So no crazy alien laser gun then? Ah well, next time. Actually the next time we do this I am showing you all the weird stuff they've got in this sim.

[ He wants to see this man's reaction after he disintegrates a whole person in an instant. Bucky selects an M1 Garand, something he's familiar with, and his trusty colt in case he needs to start taking close-encounter potshots. Oh and his knives because Lord knows headshots get boring for him fast. ]

Okay, go wait in the room over there. It'll start up once I enter.

Assuming you won't be too mad to do this another time. [or, in boss speak: 'don't get too butt-hurt when i kick your ass.' he even tacks on a little grin, all confident and asshole like. but he is curious about what kind of weaponry the future holds. bigger and better explosions, hopefully.

no more walking robots with nukes.

john nods in affirmation and does as he's told. there's a little trill of excitement racing up and down his spine. he can't wait to find out what this mystery non-human is.]

[ Boss digitizes in a dim foyer of a Polish castle. Bucky winds up in the Catholic rectory attached. Every shadowy corner has the promise of a lurking Nazi, so look alive gents!

The time starts now. ]

Let's sauer some Krauts' day!

[ Like an action movie asshole, Bucky fires his first shot in the air to bring the fight to him. ]

[did you really just say that bucky? this may mean the end of their budding friendship, for a pun that awful.

usually john's first thought is take out all enemies systematically, but maybe bucky, shooting his gun in the air like a huge dick, has the right idea. john loads a magazine and a grenade round into his rifle before charging forward, following the gun shot.

if bucky wants to put a target on himself, john will just pick off whatever idiot finds him.]

[ Have you met your own friend Ocelot? He is a walking embarrassment, pal. And he is a huge dick! Jealous?? You should be of these moves! Bucky's spry as a cat! He'll be done with everyone in the rectory before you even get to it, buttmunch.

The first goose-stepper to walk in gets capped, taking his hat clean off. After that, of course, they grow wary. He hears them shouting at each other as they line up just outside the doorway. But Bucky doesn't have the luxury of waiting. He fires off a few more rounds to keep them at bay while he sneaks in close, and the second the muzzle of a rifle comes across the doorframe he pulls the sonuvabitch off his feet and into Bucky's path. ]

Sieg heil, bitch.

Edited 2016-03-11 07:18 (UTC)

[alright, first of all, only big boss and ocelot get to laugh at ocelot, okay. and secondly, don't count your chickens before you blow them away.

it's easy to pick off any stragglers that are late to the news, tucking the rifle tight into his shoulder and popping off a few head shots like it's breathing. he's intimately familiar with the recoil and the power of the m16 and it's many variations. while it's not supposed to be for crowd-control and not for accuracy, big boss is practically a surgeon with the thing.

they don't figure out there's two people firing on them until john's already scored at least five confirmed kills, three head shots and two slit throats.]

[ No Ocelot brings it upon himself to be laughed at by everyone, especially Bucky.

He's only on four kills before he cleans out the first floor, but there's no reason to sweat yet. They've only just begun, and the stairs fill with the sound of boots running up the steps. Bucky sticks close to the wall, readies his rifle and picks off the next unfortunate right under his eye socket. He tumbles to the floor, leaving Bucky to run over and kick him down the steps to see how far he'd roll. Only six. ]

What a gyp...

[ Stepping over the body, he comes to the end of the hallway and slowly inches to the corner to get a look with what he's dealing with. ]

[due to their environment there's a lot of echoing of noise. confusing to some, but great for john, who can anticipate troop movements and the distance between him and gunfire from sound alone. he's also able to pick out bucky and his bolt-action amongst the din of automatic fire and boots. that last one makes at least five kills for the kid.

not half-bad, for a guy who dived into the scenario like he had a bloodlust.

john cracks another two brain-pans, bumping his kill count up to seven, before he ducks behind some cover. he's still got plenty of ammo left, but now that they know there's a second intruder, he needs to be a little more careful. he lets more troops run past him and his hidey-spot, towards bucky, before he makes his way after them.

boss sees bucky peek from a corner at the end of the hall and the batch of soldiers running towards them. he knows the kid could probably handle all four of them, but why not make total use of his gun? with a ke-thunk sound, a grenade is propelled straight at them from john's m16, blowing their legs (and in some cases their torsos) into a little, red chunks.]

Jesus—! [ Bucky smartly slides back down the wall before he gets hit with shrapnel and human gore, keeping his head protected until everything settles again. ]

Wow, friendly fire much!

[ With a quick peek down the shattered hallway, all he sees is Ishmael so he comes out with a frown. ]

Excuse you! Find your own corner of this castle to squat! You're crampin' my style and poachin' my goose-steppers!

Fair's fair. [he answers back with a self-satisfied grin, loading in another grenade round into the launcher's barrel.] You wanted to paint a target on yourself. I'm just taking advantage of a good opportunity when I see it. [john doesn't even apologize for potentially hitting bucky, because the balls on this man are huge. if the kid was as good as he liked to brag, there wouldn't be any problem getting out of the way.

the sounds of more boots coming up their way echoes off the walls. john checks his ammo, ejects an errant round just in case it wants to jam.]

That's eleven for me. Better catch up. [and he takes off towards the sound of footfalls.]

[ Bucky's left speechless only for a moment. Then he's racing toward the old man to show him what's what. If Ish was going to play by no rules, so would he. So don't go whining when he body slam's into your side to push you off your gate and take the lead... right into the line of fire of the SS officers coming the other way.

He barely misses getting shot in the arm as he skids to a halt in front of them, pivoting to keep his surface area as thin and unbullety as possible. As they reload, Bucky grabs the gun and uses momentum to throw the soldier into his fellow scumbags. ]

[bucky knocking into him only puts him off-step just barely. after all, john and bucky are almost in completely different weight classes. the smirk that slides across his lips from the rough-housing disappears instantly when they're both faced down by another batch of nazis.

if bucky hadn't managed to move so quickly, john has no doubt he would be the same consistency as swiss cheese. instead of blowing them all away in one go, namely because bucky had dashed straight into the kill-zone, john picks two more of them off with a couple shots from his rifle.]

[ He's actually annoyed when two heads split and go down beside him. ] Hey! Quit it. [ Practically jumping into the line of fire so Ishmael can't shoot, he takes the last one down with a kick across the face that he can feel break the bastard's jaw. The soldier lands wrong on his neck, crippling him. There's no reason to stall, so he speeds off to try and beat the old man to the next punch. ]

[what a child. are they sure bucky is actually 20? john trails after barnes, catching up to him fairly easy. bucky's pretty fast on his feet, so boss actually has to haul a bit of ass to get near him. not that it really matters if they run close by or not, john's sure by now he could go to any part of the castle and find more soldiers to kill. it's the principle of the matter; they're having more fun trying to out-do the other when they can see each other.

the rest of the simulation is a blur of blood and and broken bones. with both of them being on the offensive, there's no time for the nazis to properly retaliate. never mind they're severely outclassed, but john brought in a weapon that wouldn't be constructed for another 20 years after their regime fell. before the sim is over, big boss amasses another 12 kills, bringing his total to 25.

he's ejecting his spent clip, inserting a new one with finality, wondering where the final soldier bucky programmed in is supposed to be. that's when he hears the corniest, evil mwha-ha-haing ever to exist.]

[ Bucky doesn't bother reloading his weapons; there's no point. It won't be doing them too much good against the undead.

Atop a long set of stairs, a tall man stands in a black suit and cape. It's all very stereotypical of aristocrats, which is exactly what Bucky is going for here. It's stupid and silly and the script hasn't even begun yet. ]

Well, well, well. If it isn't the great James Barnes, and his loyal sidekick Fishy Ish. [ As the program begins its dialogue and its descent down the steps slowly, he begins reaching down for one of the dead officer's rifles. It has a bayonet attached to it. ] We meet again. For the last time!

[ Bucky looks over at Ish with a big grin. ] I made the vamp's dialogue myself. His name's Baron von Fangface.

[at first, all big boss can think of is the fact that he's running a training program where the final enemy is a man in a suit and cape. the damn thing was even programmed to call him that horrible nickname bucky's made up. john's lamenting his life choices, preparing to fire a grenade round on the embarrassment at the top of the stairs, when he hears a very specific word.

vamp. vampire.

suddenly he's a kid all over again, sneaking into a showing of dracula, and regretting every single second. while bucky is smiling away, john looks a little dire. one could even say scared.]

What the hell did you say that thing was?

A vampire. I've run into them more times than any regular Joe ever should. [ Which means more than zero. ] Hang on, we gotta finish the dialogue so he can transform. You're damn right! This ends here and now for you!

[ Then comes a most condescending laugh from the Baron. It grows louder and shriller until it is nothing more than an animalistic scream as his features change. He grows dark, face twisting into a horrible snarl as long fangs grow. Though he may have no wings it doesn't stop him from taking flight above them. ]

Unless you just happen to have someonething silver, I suggest grabbin' something pointy to stake his heart with. Or cut his head off, that works too...

Why the hell would you put in a vampire?! [who would ever think that's a good idea? apparently bucky and john isn't about to let him get away with that shit. in fact, he would've shook him or just punched him for pulling such a dick move, except the vampire is flying now.

and instead of listening to barnes like a sane person, big boss takes his rifle and immediately starts emptying the clip at the son of a bitch. oh he is going to beat bucky's ASS for this later.]

I just said— [ Clearly the man isn't listening. Bucky smartly gets out of the way, gripping his newfound bayonet in one hand. ] You're only going to make him angry...

[ Which is exactly what happens. The Baron snarls, making a beeline for Ishmael to bury him and that potato gun of his. ]

Whoa, incoming!

[the sight of the vampire heading straight for him causes him to completely freeze. any other enemy would've been dead by or at least running swiftly into death. but all john can think about is dracula, claiming another victim. he might as well be shaking in his boots he's being so damn irrational about this.

what saves him from losing all of his dignity is the instinct to get the fuck out of the way, which has been ingrained in him since he was a teenager in the korean war. the baron's spindly fingers slice clean through his shirt, ripping it open, and john falls back on his ass like a greenhorn.

it's completely embarrassing.]

Bastard. [he manages to get back to his feet, shucking the tattered remains of his uniform top.]

[ It is completely embarrassing. What's happened to that asshole blasting legs off Nazis with a grenade launcher? ]

What are you doing? Get up!

[ With a heavy curse, Bucky prepares to defend Ishmael and get the Baron off him before he's bitten. Otherwise, Bucky will be fighting two vampires by the end of this! But that idea falls apart when the Baron actually stops and falls to the ground. But he doesn't simply levitate down, no. It's like the programming takes him from block A and transports him to Block C without a transition. It's very bizarre, Bucky's never seen it happen before. ]

Dear God... [ He's staring at Ishmael—More precisely, his chest. Even Bucky turns unusually fixated with his heaving chest and the thin lines of blood where the vampire's claws snagged him. His eyes follow the line of the crude scar just like the Baron. ] How can I compare? How can I fight this?!

What in the hell...? [ For sure, Bucky is completely out of words for this, and Ishmael's captivating chest. None of this is what he programmed into the simulation or the script! At least, not to his knowledge. Maybe he did something wrong. Well whatever! This is their best bet to kill him. Gesturing at Ishmael to keep him occupied with this odd turn of events, Bucky starts sneaking behind him with his bayonet. ]

[what in the hell is going on? first he's told that the final boss of the program is a vampire (and a nazi), then the vampire is diving after him after being pumped full of lead. next thing he knows he's making a fool of himself, getting his shirt torn off, now the vampire is yelling about comparing.

john looks down at where two sets of eyes are trying to stare a whole through him. the claw marks aren't that bad, barely bloodied, so it can't be that. his scar maybe? it is a bit odd to people at first. he's never felt self-conscious about being less than fully clothed, but the way bucky and the vampire are looking him, he almost does.

this is, by far, the weirdest thing to happen to him on this spaceship.

when bucky makes some vague motions to the baron, presumably to keep his eyes forward while jim creeps up behind him with a knife, john really isn't sure what to do. fangface is still trying to eat big boss with his eyes, following a line of blood that drips down from a scratch. oh, talk about opportunities presenting themselves.]

You want it? Come get it.

[ It's clearly a real temptation for the Baron. The blood is enticing, but something is keeping him from acting. It's almost as if he's being pulled back and forth by a tug of war. The raw beauty of Ishmael's bare torso is a forbidden fruit that is both feared and compelling, at least that's the only way Bucky can describe it.

But unlike Fangface, he has a more important mission than simply staring. His quiet sure movements bring him directly behind it, bayonet poised for the perfect time to strike. He finds it when the vampire snarls and screeches at the old man with guttural force. Before it can lunge for Ishmael, the Baron is skewered through his chest with one clean stroke. ]

Sorry, Fangy. That chest is mine! [ Wait, what? ] I mean—! Not this time, Fangy! That chest is m— Sonuvabitch. You know what... No witty one-liners.

[ They are going to just kill this fucker without any well-placed puns. And that is just so devastating. Goddamn this weird programming! ]

[the only time those eyes leave him is the moment the baron decides he knows what he wants and lunges. john whips his knife out, gets into a defensive stance, but before he even has time to worry, bucky is there stabbing the vampire through the chest. and talking about how john's chest is his?

he's never going to live this down. thank god he and jim are the only ones here.

big boss takes his cue, lunging forward to pierce his own knife through the vampire squealing and trying to escape. apparently all it takes is the combined force of both of them to make the vampire fade into dust. the simulation ends, as well as all this embarrasment.]

This has been a nightmare.

[ It's like a switch being turned off now that Bucky's no longer in the simulation. All that deep emotion for an old man's bare chest evaporates, mostly. He'll be forever haunted by the memory no doubt. ]

Yeah that's one word for it. [ He looks around the simulation room, notes that Ishamel still very much has his shirt on like it's supposed to be. ] You sure froze up there, Vet. The hell happened? You're lucky he was so enamored with your uh... chest there.

[you better be forever haunted by that ~~glorious wet-dream in motion~~ that rare display. because you'll never see them again.

at the question, john starts to rub at his eyepatch with his finger. like suddenly the socket itches or something, but it's actually out of nervousness. it's still embarrassing to admit to his completely irrational fear, 40 years after it was established.]

It's... Well... I have a phobia. Of vampires.

Of vamp—Oh. Oh man, I am... Gosh, if I had known! [ Bucky looks genuinely remorseful for putting that on Ishmael. Bucky isn't a big fan of them, but this one is easily programmed and way over the top. Plus, he's killed enough to be able to laugh in their face when need be. ] Were you attacked by a vampire before?

Not exactly. [are you ready for this bucky. are you.] I watched... Dracula as a kid. Ever since then, even mentioning his name... [john sighs deeply, already imagining what kind of nightmares he's gonna have tonight. he runs his hand through his hair, fidgeting.]

Look, I just can't stand vampires.

This is serious... You're actually being serious. [ And even as he says it, it's clear he's waiting for Ishmael to buck up and call it off as one big joke. ] Aw man, your cool points have really hit rock bottom now!

Well at least you learned they can't stand you either. I mean, jeez Louise, the overwhelming masculinity of your chest repelled him like a crucifix. That is some grade A beef you got there. [ And because he doesn't understand personal boundaries, or is more than willing to ignore them for his own needs, Bucky palms a pectoral muscle to give it a check. ] What are you a B cup?

Great. [said in the most sarcastic tone ever. it's simultaneously embarrassed and exasperated at the same time somehow. he doesn't care about cool points bucky! not at all.

and he's about to give the kid another piece of his mind for putting a damn vampire in the simulation when barnes suddenly... gropes him. and he can do nothing but stand there, frozen. he's had people grab his junk before and squeeze, but that had offended him less than bucky with a hand on his pec.

john actually begins to blush.]

I don't... Get your hand off me, Jim.

Jeez, sorry [ He's not really, but he takes his hand off all the same. ] Oh! Hey! We didn't check our scores yet! You got us all off track with your vamp fears.

[ He brings it up on screen to see what the damage is. Bucky got creamed, but he managed the furthest distance for a headshot. That's something at least! ]

[YOU'VE GONE AND MADE BIG BOSS BLUSH, YOU SHOULD BE SORRY!! but he just shakes his head and focuses on the scores. he's done pretty well, considering it was his first time in one of these things, but he knows he could always do better. he'll have to run some more simulations, think of some other scenarios outside of the box.

john might have asked bucky what else he could dream up, but honestly, he's a little wary of what else the kid could throw in. maybe some other time. WAY down the road.]

Well, despite you running into everything like you were trying out for the next action movie, I'd say you were pretty good. Nice job with that headshot.

Hey, shooting gets boring fast. I need a thrill.

[ He is pretty happy with his accuracy on that distance, though. He could do much better with a sniper rifle, but that wasn't exactly a choice with this program. ]

Yeah! Not too bad with a pistol. Next time I'll definitely get one up on ya.

Shoot for the stars, right? [well if bucky wanted to battle with sniper rifles, he'd definitely be there for that. john doesn't get much chance to practice his long shot.]

Next time? Don't touch my chest at the end. I don't care if you managed to shoot someone on another planet.

[BECAUSE SERIOUSLY..... STILL KIND OF BLUSHING.]

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Dumb and Dumberer ( CLOSED )

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