[closed] no alarms and no surprises

[alan_1]

Who: Alan Bradley and Ram
When: The night of December 23rd, give or take a day
Where: "Chemistry" Deck
What: Alan confides in Ram about his fears.
Warnings: Mention of character death, probable mention of murder.


[Alan didn’t mean for it to become part of his daily routine. It was more of a practice adopted out of necessity, something to set his mind at ease so he might have a chance of a good night’s sleep—a rarity, ever since Flynn had died a second time. Now that Flynn’s back, it’s the only thing that calms his anxious thoughts.

Alan moves quietly through “Chemistry Deck,” feeling a little silly as he does so. If Flynn did disappear, he could see it in the ACE directory—maybe even if Flynn died again. Still, whatever part of Alan’s brain is responsible for keeping him awake with worst-case scenarios isn’t satisfied unless Alan sees his friend with his own two eyes. For that, Alan can bear feeling a little silly.

Normally, it’s quick trip, with Alan stopping by just long enough to say good night. But this time, it’s Ram who answers the door instead of Flynn.

It has to be probably is nothing.]

Hi, Ram. Is Flynn there?

Comments

[actuaryonline]

[Ram's life had taken a turn for the better upon discovering he was allowed to take books out of the library on the condition that he return them within a given time. His room in Chemistry had been mostly bare when he took it, but now there are two stacks of books next to the bed and Ram is currently sprawled out on the bed reading one.

When there's a knock at the door, his gaze flickers down to note the page number and then he closes the book and sets it down on the bed. He bounces a little on the bed as he gets up, the springy mattress still a welcome comfort, but is soon on his feet, padding for the door.]

Hello, Alan. [He smiles, not surprised at the User's visit since it's a regular occurrence.] He's not, sorry, he headed out thirty four minutes ago. You're welcome to come in and wait for him, if you want?

[alan_1]

[Alan feels a ridiculous little twinge of relief hearing Ram’s words. Nothing to worry about. He knew that. So why can he still not bring himself to leave?]

Sure. [He smiles, steps in as he quietly chides himself. He’ll have to think of some excuse for waiting up just to say goodnight when Flynn gets back. Maybe he'll fabricate some little worry about the network. Flynn will probably see right through it, but at least it’s better than the truth.

’I wanted to make sure you were still here.’]

I hope I’m not keeping you up, [he says to Ram, voice light. His eyes drift towards the piles of books next to one of the beds.] I’m not too sure about the sleep requirements for programs, but I wouldn’t want to strain them any.

[actuaryonline]

[Ram steps back to let Alan in and follows him into the room.]

No, not at all, I wasn't planning on sleeping for a while or so. Preferably after Flynn's back. We do need rest, we go into standby for a while each microcycle, but we don't need as long as Users do, don't worry.

[Alan seems... tense isn't quite the right word. Skittish? He gestures to the couch.]

Please, take a seat. Can I get you anything?

[alan_1]

[After a moment of hesitation, Alan accepts Ram’s offer, taking a seat on the couch. He shakes his head at the question.]

No, thank you. I don’t think I’ll be staying too long. I just have one or two things to talk to Flynn about. [...Which he still has yet to think of. Hopefully Ram isn’t too curious on that account.] Do you know when he’ll be back?

[actuaryonline]

[With Alan seated and not requiring anything, Ram sits down in the other chair in the room, one leg tucked under him.]

Anything I could help with? [Worth an offer, even if they just use it to fill them time.] Not precisely, no, but he's usually back just before it gets dark, so an hour and a half or so.

[alan_1]

[It’s a long while to wait—not that this dissuades Alan at all. He’s just glad Flynn isn’t staying out after dark.

Ram’s question only gets a tentative smile and a considerable pause. It’s almost as if Alan doesn’t have a specific problem in mind...]

Thank you, but it’s no trouble. I can wait for Flynn.

[He hopes Ram doesn’t press more than that. He could probably make up a technical-sounding excuse on the fly, but he’d rather not outright lie to the program.]

How have things been here lately? Has Flynn been okay, since he… came back?

[It sounds so ordinary when he says it that way, as if Flynn had just been away on business. If Alan tries, he can almost pretend that's all he's talking about.]

[actuaryonline]

[Ram tilts his head a little at the pause, but likely Alan was only taking a moment to determine if Ram could help or not. Still, such a response usually comes with a brief summary of the job at hand.]

Alright.

[Alan seems unusually tense, even a little twitchy. Sure it's a while to wait, but--

Ah.]

He seems okay. A little more cautious, and certainly less likely to be out after dark. [He pauses. Shifts.] Is that what this is about?

[alan_1]

[There’s a flash of a guilty expression at Ram’s (entirely correct) surmise, one that Alan does his best to downplay with a shrug.]

Maybe a little bit, [Or maybe a lot. He smiles ruefully.] I know Flynn’s fine now, but… Well, I just want to make sure he gets back safely.

[He doesn’t mention the trouble he’s had sleeping or the gnawing anxiety he feels walking through empty spaces. It’s strange. In spite of his broken arm, he’s not afraid of encountering any more monsters—he’s afraid of finding a body.]

I’m sure you can understand, given what happened.

[actuaryonline]

[Yep there it is.]

Yes, I understand, and I certainly don't fault you for wanting to check in on him. He's usually not out too late, but when he is, I often stay up until he's back. [And he wasn't the one to find the body.

With the new topic out, Ram considers Alan a bit more carefully. There seem to be more lines under his eyes than previously. He prepares a /Satus? query but discards it before sending it. Users can't receive them here.]

How are you doing?

[alan_1]

[Alan feels a prickle of discomfort at Ram’s scrutiny. It seems wrong, to be here in Flynn’s room with Ram worrying over him when Alan had escaped the entire ordeal nearly unscathed.]

I’m fine, [he says, a little too quickly. Alan notices, too. He looks down, hiding a grimace.] Really. It’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.

[He's been through far worse, hasn't he? His best friend just came back from the dead. He's the last person to have any right to complain about the circumstances.]

[actuaryonline]

[Response time too quick to be genuine and given the fact that Alan looked down immediately after and then contradicted his being fine in the next two sentences... Yeah, no.]

That doesn't mean you have to. [He and Tron really are similar.] Even if you can handle it alone, sharing can make handling it easier.

[He's giving words of wisdom to a User. Tron's User. And yet right now, they're both just people.]

[alan_1]

Easier for me, maybe.

[Perhaps it’s Ram’s familiar appearance that allows the words to slip out so easily. God knows Alan has had similar conversations with Roy before. He feels a warm rush of embarrassment at the lapse, but after a long moment, he keeps talking.]

What happened with Flynn was enough of a shock for everyone. I’d rather not add to anyone’s worries if I can help it.

[That’s the thing about sharing a burden: you may be lightening your own load, but at the cost of increasing everyone else’s. It doesn’t seem like a worthwhile trade to Alan.]

[actuaryonline]

[Ram tilts his head, observing the User. Flynn's death and revival had been a shock to everyone, yes, and that still lingers, but Ram's knowledge, Alan is the only one who goes out of his way to so frequently check on Flynn and has apparently seen such a significant lapse in sleep.]

Perhaps talking about it could be mutually beneficial.

[It helps that he sees Flynn regularly, but there's no denying the incident threw him.]

[alan_1]

[The words “mutually beneficial” get a quizzical look… and then a moment of consideration.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[Ram had been Flynn’s friend, too. As reluctant as Alan is to make the program play therapist, if talking it out would help Ram as well, then Alan has no reason to avoid the conversation.

He can be perfectly forthcoming—so long as he knows it isn’t just for his own benefit.]

[actuaryonline]

[Ram meets the look evenly.]

I'm not sure anyone ever really wants to talk about these kinds of things. But in the long run, it can help organise your thoughts, get them out in the open so they're not building up and and generally make things easier, and people often want that.

[Like unused energy, if left for too long, it runs the risk of disrupting regular functions unless dealt with.

And that's never fun.]

[alan_1]

[There’s a long silence as Alan seems to turn over Ram’s words in his mind. He’s right, of course. It’s not even anything Alan doesn’t know—he’s used similar arguments to get Sam to open up, often unsuccessfully. There’s just part of him that recoils at the thought that he too might need the same kind of support now and then. It feels weak. Weak and selfish.

And yet, Ram seems dead set on having the conversation… and part of Alan assumes that most of his anxieties are obvious enough anyway.

Finally, Alan sighs. He doubts he’ll ever get over the pulling teeth feeling that comes with talking about his own problems. But if it would reassure Ram...]

I doubt it’s much of a mystery. I’m worried about Flynn. [He smiles as if amused with himself. Wouldn’t anyone be worried? It's hardly shocking news. But… there’s more to it than that and Alan knows it. He mulls it over for another moment and then keeps speaking.]

I suppose… I’m afraid what happened to him could happen again. [That’s all it is. It’s not unreasonable or unfounded. They’ve all encountered plenty of danger since they first arrived and it hasn’t shown any signs of letting up. Alan's smile turns to a grimace as he reflects on it.] It could, couldn’t it?

[actuaryonline]

[While Alan internally deliberates, Ram shifts on the couch for a position that will remain comfortable for longer. While he can't be certain Alan will agree to the conversation, it seems more likely than not.

He hopes he does. He looks like he needs it, and Ram's seen Tron bottle his issues up before.

At last Alan acquiesces and Ram allows a quick flash of relief before focusing to listen.]

I think that's a very valid concern. [His tone is open and reassuring. After what happened, Alan has every right to be worried.] Yes. Not by the same means, but there are always risks. And an event like... that can lead to hyper awareness of them.

[alan_1]

[Alan nods, feeling slightly more confident with Ram’s easy agreement.]

I’m not sure I’d call it a “hyper awareness.” After being here awhile, you just get used to things going wrong. [It seems like life on the Moira, then Thisavrou, and now on Avagi has just been one long string of disasters. The entire experience has given Alan too much for him to be bitter about it, but he can’t stop himself from being anxious about the future.]

I’m just trying to figure out what I can do to stop something like that from happening again. [A wry huff of laughter.] Maybe these nightly check-ins don’t actually do that all that much, but at least if something happens, I’ll have a better chance of knowing about it.

[actuaryonline]

Does seem to be a regular occurrence. [Wry amusement. Even in the comparatively sort time he's been here, he's seen several things go wrong around the station.] But it is rare that something goes so wrong as to be fatal.

[Far as he could tell, none of them had been prepared for what happened to Flynn.] There's no harm in checking in, especially since it gives you comfort. As for preventing it in the future... Have you had any ideas? However sensible or ridiculous.

[alan_1]

I don’t know, [Alan admits.] It’s not like I can be with him 24/7. [A slight smile.] And even if I could, I don’t think he’d appreciate it.

[It’s a delicate balance. Alan wants to respect Flynn’s space and independence, and yet there’s also part of him that’s always anxious to know where he is and whether or not he’s safe. So far, these nightly visits have been Alan’s only consistent concession to that second impulse.]

I guess I could always ask him to check in more often—maybe give me a status updates or two throughout the day—but I’m not sure how far that would go in actually keeping him safe.

[Though at the very least, it would make Alan worry a little less.]

[actuaryonline]

24/7 might be too much even for Flynn, and honestly for you too, but status updates sound like a good plan. [He smiles.] I don't think Flynn would be adverse to contacting you a little more frequently.

[Especially if he knew the reasons. Flynn's pretty good like that.]

Actively keeping him safe is more difficult. I haven't seen him recently in combat. He was pretty able when I knew him, but I'm aware he's changed and may also be out of practice since then.