Nathan "Nate" Drake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ascendit) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thisavrou_log2017-11-07 11:07 pm
ascendit) wrote in thisavrou_log2017-11-07 11:07 pm
they have stolen the heart from inside you
Who: Nathan Drake the younger + Samuel Drake, Nathan Drake the older
When: Early November
Where: Music practice room / Ingress memorial respectively
What: Hey bros, I guess I was brainwashed.
Warnings: Talk of brainwashing
[Realizing he was brainwashed has also meant realizing that he accused his brother and older self of some terrible things. Nate spends a while trying to figure out how to apologize to them, and then another while trying to be able to think of them without seeing the (fake) videos replay over and over in his head so that he can look at them in person without thinking about it.
[The latter, he realizes, could take more time, and they deserve to know that he's trying. He texts Sam to meet him in one of the music practice rooms - Sam has already seen him freak out just remembering that lab on Esthar, so he feels a little more comfortable telling him. While he waits for his brother to arrive, he starts cleaning his gunblade with a cloth, trying to think of happier memories with him.
[His older self, on the other hand? Getting brainwashed on top of everything that happened with Garden is a hell of a way to prove that they're not exactly the same person, that what happens to him has not happened to his alternate version. It's harder to tell him. He leaves texting him until after he tells Sam, and he asks him to meet in the Ingress memorial, having noticed the occasional comforting feeling in that room.]
When: Early November
Where: Music practice room / Ingress memorial respectively
What: Hey bros, I guess I was brainwashed.
Warnings: Talk of brainwashing
[Realizing he was brainwashed has also meant realizing that he accused his brother and older self of some terrible things. Nate spends a while trying to figure out how to apologize to them, and then another while trying to be able to think of them without seeing the (fake) videos replay over and over in his head so that he can look at them in person without thinking about it.
[The latter, he realizes, could take more time, and they deserve to know that he's trying. He texts Sam to meet him in one of the music practice rooms - Sam has already seen him freak out just remembering that lab on Esthar, so he feels a little more comfortable telling him. While he waits for his brother to arrive, he starts cleaning his gunblade with a cloth, trying to think of happier memories with him.
[His older self, on the other hand? Getting brainwashed on top of everything that happened with Garden is a hell of a way to prove that they're not exactly the same person, that what happens to him has not happened to his alternate version. It's harder to tell him. He leaves texting him until after he tells Sam, and he asks him to meet in the Ingress memorial, having noticed the occasional comforting feeling in that room.]
screams I think I dreamed tagging this or something and thought I had
So he's waited. He's not particularly patient, but shit, what else can he do? More than once he's doubted with himself, started an internal argument that he's doomed to lose. But when he gets the kid's message, he thinks finally and hopes like hell it paid off.]
Hey. It's been a while.
no subject
[Nate remembers a young Savrii intermediary who had been assigned as his guide in therapy, going on and on about the greater good. Nate remembers seeing her body when he finally got out of the intermediary center. Nate remembers watching a video where she was unarmed, putting her hands up in surrender, and his older self shot her in the throat.
[Nate has to remember that this isn't true, has to look up at Drake and instead remember things like trying Kauto beers and talking about girls, fighting alongside him and Sam in a bar for Shepard's birthday, the carving that had shown them their mother. Things that really happened.]
... Yeah. Sorry. I had some crap to figure out.
no subject
[He looks at the kid for a moment, then takes a seat. Not too close but not too far. Here for the long haul, if that's what the conversation calls for.]
You wanna talk about what it was?
no subject
[That is, in fact, exactly what Nate asked him here for. He nods, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts.]
All those things I said you did at the intermediary center, and some things I didn't say... [He can see the videos of him and Sam and other Moirans on their massacre, as clear as, say, their time in Region 6, making this a struggle to say even though he knows it.] That wasn't real. You were right - I'm sorry I didn't trust you.
[He looks down at his hands, his wrists; remembers them thinner than Sam had ever let him get on the streets.]
It just... felt so real. Still does.
no subject
They got in your head. I have an idea of what that's like, even if it's not exactly the same.
[Hell, what the Savrii could do would be right up Marlowe's alley. Good thing she'd never come through the Ingress.]
But I wouldn't leave you behind, kid. Not ever. Sam and I will always come for you if you need us.
no subject
It wasn't just that you left me - [no, that's not right] that they made me think you left me. There was other stuff...
[He hesitates, opens his mouth to say it, finds he can't, not for the moment.]
... Something like this happened to you?
no subject
Sort of, yeah. It wasn't directed like this—I got dosed with something that makes your fears incredibly vivid. But what someone actually sees depends what they're afraid of.
[He fists his hands for a moment. It's not much easier talking about this with himself than it is with anyone else, but it's worth doing.]
For me, it was Sully getting shot to death right in front of me. I didn't have a clue that it wasn't real until he showed up later.
no subject
[Nate watches him, listening, comparing to his own experience, murmuring:] Your best friend.
[See, he remembers. And he can see how an older him would be scared of that - how that would hurt as much as what he saw.]
... I saw videos of you and Sam going through the center, killing intermediaries who didn't have weapons, who weren't using their powers, who were surrendering. The one I was talking to - she couldn't have been much older than me - she had her hands up. You shot her in the throat; I saw her body when my eyes were better.
[Yes, he almost graduated as a mercenary. Yes, he was in a war. Yes, he worked in a security company. But Nate, at this age, tries not to kill. And he doesn't hurt innocents or the defenseless. Seeing his older self and his older brother doing that had been almost as big a blow as having them abandon him.]
I only figured it out from a couple of my roommates being brainwashed too, but remembering different things. And my journal not matching stuff I remembered happening later on.
no subject
He's pretty sure he gets what younger Nate had to deal with, too. At least a little.]
Wouldn't be much point in them screwing with people's heads if they weren't good at it. Doesn't always matter what you should know.
It wasn't your fault, kid. None of it. It was theirs.
no subject
[He rubs the back of his neck, working up to this next part.]
I was an asshole because I was seeing all that when I saw you, and... I'm still seeing it now. It makes it hard to be around you.
no subject
Christ, he's getting old.]
What they did to you is why you were an asshole. Hell, if any of it had been true, you'd have been pretty restrained compared to what I deserved.
[But it wasn't, so.]
Do you want me to keep my distance while you wrap your head around it? Up to you. I'm just glad you know what really happened.
no subject
[After a moment of consideration, Nate nods.]
That... might help, yeah. Or if you see me around, wave or something first instead of coming right over - I could do today because I planned it, I chose it, so I got to prepare.
[He sighs.]
Maybe it'll get easier with time. Cartagena was weird [scary] but being around people with guns got easier.
no subject
[For a second, he considers clapping a hand on the kid's shoulder or something—but nah. Even if their circumstances were different, it might be too much.]
It will get easier. You're stronger than what they did to you. And I'm not saying it because you're me, I'm saying it because you're you.
[If that makes sense.]
A MILLION YEARS LATE GOD
When Sam receives the message though, he's relieved. It's better to hash these things out, figure out what went wrong, other than the fact that his brother had clearly been brainwashed or tricked in some way. He makes it to the designated practice room fairly quickly, but seeing him sitting there he stops and stands in the doorway.]
Since when do you play music?
[He knows that gunblade is no instrument, but any chance to show he's not mad helps. Besides, of all places, why the music practice rooms?]
Re: A MILLION YEARS LATE GOD
[At the sight of Sam in the doorway, Nate's hand clenches around his cleaning cloth automatically as he remembers Sam's voice outside his room, Sam on the videos breaking the necks of unarmed Savrii.
[It's not real, he reminds himself, as Sam asks him about music, and he makes himself think of motorcycle rides and rooftop climbs, makes himself set both the gunblade and the cloth aside. He forces a smile, shaking his head.]
I just like these rooms. There's way too many people in my unit - it's like the orphanage, there's always someone around.
no subject
Yeah, not a bad space actually. Nice and quiet, good size room, not a bad place to end a date. Well, you know, for somewhere private to talk.
["Talk." Sam has rarely just talked to dates, but it is a good place to chat with your younger brother. Sam moves to sit next to Nathan.]
You know you can stay with me if you want right? It's not so bad actually once you get used to the smell. I'll even let you sleep in my bed.
no subject
[Nate chuckles at the idea of ending a date in a practice room, but has to shake his head at Sam's offer, as much as he appreciates it even after he sent some asshole texts.]
Thanks, but... I can't. Look, I... I figured out I was brainwashed, when I was with the intermediaries. [Beat.] Captured by the intermediaries. [He needs to keep remembering that they were not his friends.] But that doesn't make it go away. I look at you and I remember... really bad shit, Sam.
I know it's not real, when I think about it more. I'm still trying to make that not the first thing I remember when I see you. But I don't want that to hurt in a place I should be able to relax.