thisavrou_log | tonight i sleep to dream of a place that's calling me.

Who: Ronan Lynch & others
When: July 9 - July 19
Where: St. Monmouth in Kauto R2
What: Ronan encounters shadows and others encounter Ronan's shadow.
Warnings: Violence, attempted murder, intense suicidal ideation & trauma.

ronan's shadow (open to all)

[Death has been whispering in Ronan's ear since the day he discovered his father's body broken on the driveway of his childhood home. Which means it's been years now in the company of this invisible and powerful force, and years of Ronan's persistent battle against it. Surviving the loss of his father and the dissolution of his family had proved nearly impossible. And instead of getting easier, it'd only gotten harder, as others died or otherwise disappeared from Ronan's life, his reasons for survival plucked away one by one until he could count them on three fingers.

When Ronan's shadow appears, it's not a violent and angry thing like Ronan himself. It's the voice that had been voiceless until now, Ronan's self-loathing given familiar form. It hardly needs to put in any effort in all, following Ronan from room to room like so many ghosts, black black eyes accusing him every time he draws another breath.]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

[It doesn't need to say much more than that, really. It knows - and Ronan knows - that his mind will fill in the rest. The shadow and Ronan have the same desire. It's not a matter of if, but when.]

Not yet.

[This conversation repeats throughout each day, at different volumes, with Ronan sometimes whispering and sometimes screaming as he wraps his hands ineffectually around his shadow's throat. And because he can't beat his shadow, he ends up beating himself, knuckles raw against the punching bag or the wall, until he's tired and reaches for another bottle.

Then they go through it again, Ronan curled up on the floor, shadow crouching next to him:]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

Not yet.

[And again at night, Ronan in bed while his shadow ties a noose out of his sheets:]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

Not yet.

[And again in the morning, as Ronan stares hollow-eyed into the bathroom mirror and the shadow places a straight razor in front of him:]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

declan's shadow (closed to declan & matthew)

[Ronan is reasonably confident that Declan's shadow despises him as much as his own. Whenever it appears, Ronan's own shadow goes silent, lurking in the background, a sadistic audience waiting with bated breath to witness a murder. Declan's shadow is a menacing thing. Hatred radiates from it even before the abuse and violence comes into play. Ronan tries not to look at it, but when he does, he sees so plainly how his brother feels about him, an ugly truth that must be buried under duty. After a few days, when they're in the kitchen with a fresh bottle of whiskey, Ronan acknowledges it:]

I shouldn't have been born.

[That's what it wants to hear, right? That's what Declan feels but never says. If Declan was an only son, he would've had a different life. If Niall hadn't tried again, aspiring to something better suited to his vision, Declan might have been loved. Ronan is everything that stood in the way of that. He's beginning to understand.]

matthew's soul (closed to matthew)

[After about ten days of torment, Ronan's forced to admit that he's not going to survive this. He'd been barely holding on before the shadows even appeared, his bleary and drunken nothing existence, and now the temptation to end it has become overwhelming. Attempts have already been made. If the shadows don't succeed in killing him, Ronan knows he'll do it himself.

But he desperately, desperately doesn't want to take Matthew with him.

Dreaming has been nearly impossible. Ronan's hardly allowed himself to sleep at all, because when he sleeps, he slips into nightmares that want him just as dead as the waking world. On this particular night, however, Ronan takes to the cathedral, on his knees in prayer until he can't keep his eyes open. He falls asleep like that, his forehead pressed to his folded hands.

He dreams of Cabeswater as it once was, sunlight filtering through lush and verdant leaves. The trees greet him with whispers, and beyond them, Ronan can hear his friends laughing. Blue tells a joke Ronan can't hear, and Gansey responds in confusion, and Adam laughs again, a sound that makes Ronan's heart ache. When it seems like Ronan's about to reach them, someone else takes his hand to lead him in another direction.]

Mom?

[Aurora's glowing when she smiles at him, flowers in her golden hair. She leads him to the bank of a river he hasn't seen in Cabeswater before. There's something strange about the water. Ronan finds that he can't quite look at it, no matter how hard he tries. It reminds him of looking at Noah, all those times the form of him didn't quite match the light. Aurora bends down, taking Ronan with her, and she forms a cup of his hand before scooping some of the river's water into his palm.

When Ronan wakes, he can feel whatever it is still clasped between his hands, a warm and weightless swirling between his palms. Not wasting a second to question it, he scrambles to his feet and rushes outside.]

Matthew!

[It's morning by now, and Ronan finds him in their mother's garden.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Matthew has always loved their mother's garden. When he was little and didn't know any better than to distract someone while they were working, he would push the trowel right out of her hands and climb in her lap, both of them laughing. Of course, she always had time for her favorite. She would drop everything to sing to him, or teach him the names of the flowers, or ask him if Ronan and Declan were playing nice.

He's trying to remember everything about her right now, because maybe if he does he'll be able to figure out what she would have him do in this situation. Everything's getting worse by the day. Matthew doesn't have a shadow, not yet, but he's met both of his brothers' and, unlike their real counterparts, they are quite impossible to love. And Ronan...

Ronan. Matthew turns his head so quickly at the sound of his brother's voice that it looks painful, and upon seeing the real deal and not the creepy black-eyed clone, jumps up to his feet. ]

Ronan.

[ He looks awful. Dark circles under his eyes, and worse. Matthew would cry, if he had been better created to express fear and sadness. ]

What is it? What's that?

[ In spite of everything, when the strange object in Ronan's hands catches his eye, Matthew can't help his flicker of curiosity. ]

It's yours.

[Ronan comes to a stop in front of Matthew and holds out his cupped palms, as if he's prepared to administer Communion. It's not the Eucharist he's offering, though. Whatever he's holding doesn't seem quite like a liquid. There's a cloudiness to it, and it floats rather than splashes, and it doesn't reflect light so much as it's illuminating the space around it with a soft glow.]

Drink it. Please. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find it again.

[It's the first glimmer of hope Ronan's had in a very long time. As exhausted as he looks, his eyes are bright and his hands shake with excitement.]

[ Matthew doesn't understand, but he's never needed to. Not when Ronan is the one giving instruction. He looks at his brother, looks at the unearthly substance, and then cups his steady hands under Ronan's trembling ones, ready to catch the-- whatever it is in his palms and bring it up to his mouth. ]

What is it? [ he asks again, more softly this time, the glow reflecting in his wide blue eyes. Not because he lacks faith. Only because he wants to know what has Ronan acting like this, what could bring back a trace of the fierce bright older brother Matthew has loved for so long (not that he loves exhausted hopeless Ronan any less.) ]

You dreamed it, right? But it's mine?

Yeah.

[Ronan's voice is very quiet, fragile and tremulous. There's an undercurrent of deep sadness to all his relief, and it catches in his throat, threatening to erupt into a sob if he raises his voice much louder. He doesn't know how to explain any of this to Matthew, where he comes from or what it means.]

It's a part of you. It's been missing for a long time. It'll protect you if I'm ever gone.

[ If Matthew weren't still holding the glowing substance in his cupped palms, he would reach a comforting hand towards his brother's face. It pulls at him terribly to see Ronan distressed, like everything is wrong in the world and all he wants to do is make it right. ]

Okay, I'll drink it.

[ That's what Ronan wants, so that's what Matthew will do. He doesn't wonder what it is that he's been missing, or how his brother knows about it, or how his brother could dream up whatever it was. He just closes his eyes and tips the swirling substance past his lips.

It's warmer in his throat than it was in his hands, and Matthew immediately lets out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a muffled sob, overcome with some strange rush of emotion that he can't place. More than he's accustomed to feeling in a single moment. He buries his face in Ronan's shoulder, clinging to him, as that same warmth spreads through his chest. ]

You're not going to leave, are you?

[Everything had gone from 0-60, which really wasn't that uncommon around here. Especially as of late when it seemed everything had picked up again after a bit of a lull. As soon as she found out what was happening, despite everything still being rather vague, Daisy took off to where not only Jesse was living, but quite a few people she cared about were as well.

From the outside, the house seemed still. It left her feeling pretty unnerved. Upon entering the house she didn't see anyone right away. The more she went up into the house, Daisy finally heard a voice. Then a second voice. Both of which sounded like Ronan, as if he were having a conversation with himself. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom, and since the door was open, Daisy moved over to it.]

Ronan?

[That's when she spotted two of them. One holding a razor to the other ones throat, and out of instinct Daisy used her power in an attempt to send the one holding the razor flying across the bathroom.]

[She's successful in that, but both Ronan and his shadow turn to regard her with mild and quizzical looks, as if she's interrupted a private moment between them. After a moment, Ronan realizes the misunderstanding.]

Oh. He wasn't going to do it.

[That would be anticlimactic.]

[Daisy is about to go for round two, but with the way Ronan stares at her like he's confused as to why she would even do that stops her for now.]

Excuse me?

[Handing falling back to her side, Daisy stands up straighter as her eyes fall back on his shadow.]

He's making you say that, isn't he?

[The shadow has very little interest in Daisy, turning away after a moment to look at Ronan instead. Ronan ignores it in turn, his attention on Daisy.]

He's trying to get me to kill myself. It'd all be over already if he was willing to do it himself. Why are you here?

[Ronan would think Daisy has better people to check up on.]

[Hand clenching briefly when the shadow turned its attention back to Ronan, Daisy's eyes flicked from it back to Ronan.]

Because I heard about what was happening.

[Speaking of 'better people'...]

Where's Jesse?

He's not in his room?

[Ronan can barely keep track of his own location anymore, let alone the others'.]

Would I be asking if he was?

[Yeah she's not exactly hiding her panic right now.]

Why are you not freaked out that this thing is trying to make you kill yourself? Most people would be really freaked out.

[Ronan holds up his arms, bare since he's in a sleeveless muscle tee, leaving his collection of scars in plain view.]

The only thing that's new about it is he's not in my head anymore.

[Daisy opens her mouth to say something but she isn't actually sure what to say in response to that. It's not like she didn't know that he had at least done it once. After all that was the first time they really talked.]

So what? This is just the dark side of your thoughts manifested?

I'd bet on it.

[His arms drop back to his sides.]

I'm not dying today. You should go find Jesse. He'll want to see you.

How do I know for a fact he isn't telling you to say that?

[She is worried about Jesse though. Why couldn't she be in two places at once?]

tonight i sleep to dream of a place that's calling me.

Matthew's soul!

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