tonight i sleep to dream of a place that's calling me.

[nightmarist]

Who: Ronan Lynch & others
When: July 9 - July 19
Where: St. Monmouth in Kauto R2
What: Ronan encounters shadows and others encounter Ronan's shadow.
Warnings: Violence, attempted murder, intense suicidal ideation & trauma.

ronan's shadow (open to all)

[Death has been whispering in Ronan's ear since the day he discovered his father's body broken on the driveway of his childhood home. Which means it's been years now in the company of this invisible and powerful force, and years of Ronan's persistent battle against it. Surviving the loss of his father and the dissolution of his family had proved nearly impossible. And instead of getting easier, it'd only gotten harder, as others died or otherwise disappeared from Ronan's life, his reasons for survival plucked away one by one until he could count them on three fingers.

When Ronan's shadow appears, it's not a violent and angry thing like Ronan himself. It's the voice that had been voiceless until now, Ronan's self-loathing given familiar form. It hardly needs to put in any effort in all, following Ronan from room to room like so many ghosts, black black eyes accusing him every time he draws another breath.]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

[It doesn't need to say much more than that, really. It knows - and Ronan knows - that his mind will fill in the rest. The shadow and Ronan have the same desire. It's not a matter of if, but when.]

Not yet.

[This conversation repeats throughout each day, at different volumes, with Ronan sometimes whispering and sometimes screaming as he wraps his hands ineffectually around his shadow's throat. And because he can't beat his shadow, he ends up beating himself, knuckles raw against the punching bag or the wall, until he's tired and reaches for another bottle.

Then they go through it again, Ronan curled up on the floor, shadow crouching next to him:]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

Not yet.

[And again at night, Ronan in bed while his shadow ties a noose out of his sheets:]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

Not yet.

[And again in the morning, as Ronan stares hollow-eyed into the bathroom mirror and the shadow places a straight razor in front of him:]

Isn't it about time you get it over with?

declan's shadow (closed to declan & matthew)

[Ronan is reasonably confident that Declan's shadow despises him as much as his own. Whenever it appears, Ronan's own shadow goes silent, lurking in the background, a sadistic audience waiting with bated breath to witness a murder. Declan's shadow is a menacing thing. Hatred radiates from it even before the abuse and violence comes into play. Ronan tries not to look at it, but when he does, he sees so plainly how his brother feels about him, an ugly truth that must be buried under duty. After a few days, when they're in the kitchen with a fresh bottle of whiskey, Ronan acknowledges it:]

I shouldn't have been born.

[That's what it wants to hear, right? That's what Declan feels but never says. If Declan was an only son, he would've had a different life. If Niall hadn't tried again, aspiring to something better suited to his vision, Declan might have been loved. Ronan is everything that stood in the way of that. He's beginning to understand.]

matthew's soul (closed to matthew)

[After about ten days of torment, Ronan's forced to admit that he's not going to survive this. He'd been barely holding on before the shadows even appeared, his bleary and drunken nothing existence, and now the temptation to end it has become overwhelming. Attempts have already been made. If the shadows don't succeed in killing him, Ronan knows he'll do it himself.

But he desperately, desperately doesn't want to take Matthew with him.

Dreaming has been nearly impossible. Ronan's hardly allowed himself to sleep at all, because when he sleeps, he slips into nightmares that want him just as dead as the waking world. On this particular night, however, Ronan takes to the cathedral, on his knees in prayer until he can't keep his eyes open. He falls asleep like that, his forehead pressed to his folded hands.

He dreams of Cabeswater as it once was, sunlight filtering through lush and verdant leaves. The trees greet him with whispers, and beyond them, Ronan can hear his friends laughing. Blue tells a joke Ronan can't hear, and Gansey responds in confusion, and Adam laughs again, a sound that makes Ronan's heart ache. When it seems like Ronan's about to reach them, someone else takes his hand to lead him in another direction.]

Mom?

[Aurora's glowing when she smiles at him, flowers in her golden hair. She leads him to the bank of a river he hasn't seen in Cabeswater before. There's something strange about the water. Ronan finds that he can't quite look at it, no matter how hard he tries. It reminds him of looking at Noah, all those times the form of him didn't quite match the light. Aurora bends down, taking Ronan with her, and she forms a cup of his hand before scooping some of the river's water into his palm.

When Ronan wakes, he can feel whatever it is still clasped between his hands, a warm and weightless swirling between his palms. Not wasting a second to question it, he scrambles to his feet and rushes outside.]

Matthew!

[It's morning by now, and Ronan finds him in their mother's garden.]