(no subject)

[el_paso]

Who: X-friends and visitors to the Howlett farm
When: The month of June
Where: Howlett farm, R2
What: Mingling for those evacuated to the farm!
Warnings: Threads will have individual warnings

Comments

[coercive]

[Her nose wrinkles and she gives Charles a flat look. He's one of the only people she won't sass in Spanish, and probably the only person other than Logan she'd sit and read an entire book to just for the sake of trying to show off her progress. She wants to impress charles, she wants him to be proud of her. She doesn't feel like she's improving fast enough for anyone to be proud of her reading abilities.

Her fingers tap against the cover of the book and she shrugs. It's easy to pretend like it doesn't matter to her when really it's an incredibly important thing.]

There were too many mistakes. Too many words I still do not know. Other kids read much better at my age.

[welcomeprofessor]

[Understanding some vague and fleeting part of her background--it's only a sense, not much of anything beyond understanding trauma exists, and he doesn't push farther--he's not wholly convinced that this isn't an impressive feat on its own.

He fixes her with the same gaze (likely read as annoyingly understanding) and shakes his head.]

If you compare yourself to others, you're like to always find a fault, Laura. Mistakes are part of progress unless you refuse to fix them. I think you should be proud of yourself.

[coercive]

[This younger Charles doesn't know about her background the way that his older self does. She doesn't hold that against him, because she cares about him so much. His words make her stare down at her lap, her mouth forming a tight line. She has people here preaching such hope and happiness. Laura never knew a positive thing until she heard his voice in her head back when Gabriela had first helped her escape and she was so afraid.

He's that positive thing now too, she knows. He believes in her. But she has trouble believing in herself when it doesn't come to fighting or killing. Slowly, her hand snakes out to touch at his. She likes holding hands now that she's able to, after a lifetime of being deprived of gentle contact like it.]

I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. At Transigen, they would punish us if we made them. I was punished many times until...

[She trails off there, trying not to think about some of the things she went through. Instead, she focuses on the important thing here.]

...you are proud of me?

[welcomeprofessor]

[He doesn't mind the contact, and holds her smaller hand in his as long as she's comfortable with. He's unsure how she'd take to more than that, and thus lets Laura initiate.

His frown follows her train of thought, not liking the sound of this "Transigen" one bit. He isn't sure what in the world that means--though he could venture a close guess or two through context--but he makes a short note to ask Logan later. Pushing through Laura's trauma directly, whatever its nature, is not something he's comfortable with just yet. He's taking it in steps, and her mentioning the nature of it (even obliquely) is very much progress. Dictated on her own terms.

That final question, however, hits him with all the internal force of a speeding train, and he even gapes for a short moment afterward as if to catch his breath. That frown softens into upset and then something deeper, earning a sad smile.]

Of course I am. [Softer still:] You're making an effort, what about that isn't something to be proud of?

[coercive]

Effort is not progress. Or success.

[She knows she's not struggling for survival here, that no one will punish her for not reading faster and better. But the fact that not all of the letter sounds make sense or match up in her mind thanks to Spanish being her first language makes things even more confusing and frustrating.

Charles is a calming force that reminds her she's worth being proud of. It gets her to pause and smile a little, and grab the book with her spare hand so she's clutching it close to her chest. Maybe if she holds it tight enough, some of the trickier words will be absorbed in that way, and she can keep them in her heart so she'll never forget them. She won't have to worry about mistakes that way.]

But if you are proud, then...

[She smiles more genuinely.]

Then I will be proud too.

[So much of her self worth goes into getting his approval that it's pathetic. But to a kid that didn't have anything, earning praise from the man that she viewed as a grandfather is everything.]

[welcomeprofessor]

No, but effort makes all the difference between improving and not. You might be surprised how rare of a quality that actually is.

[But some admission of self-worth is a start, and he'll take what he can get in her regard. It may be troubling how much of herself she wraps up in external praise, but he's not at the root of that today. If any small measure of comfort can help, that's what he's going to do. It's not as if it's difficult: she is making progress, and an effort to find it, and she's starting to open up. He really is proud. He just can't let their relationship stagnate into this and only this.]