thisavrou_log | an anchor's just a coffin nail waiting for that hammer drop.

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an anchor's just a coffin nail waiting for that hammer drop.

Who: Ronan Lynch & OPEN
When: Shortly after this
Where: The Medical Tent
What: Ronan is in recovery and under observation following a suicide attempt.
Warnings: References to self-harm, both in game and in canon. Descriptions of gore.

[Ronan isn't sure if it's been hours or days since Andyr found him and brought him to safety. He thinks he's been sedated, but then again, it might simply be the effects of blood loss or shock. Or both. Or all. Every now and then, his vision goes black and he drifts off. Then his eyes are open again, and if anything's changed about his surroundings, he hasn't noticed.

He doesn't dream. When he closes his eyes, all he sees is the body. Adam's mutilated face, his teeth gleaming white in the gaping hole that was his cheek, blood congealing on his lifeless skin.

Ronan hasn't cried yet, which is probably an unhealthy sign. He didn't cry when he found his father, either. And he didn't cry after Noah found him bleeding out, after he was brought to the hospital all those months ago and sat for hours detailing his trauma with the staff of the psychiatric unit. Ronan is emotional right up until it matters, and then it all collapses inward, and his face becomes stone. This means that he's broken, he knows. No one says it out loud, but he's very good at reading their eyes, and he knows that his reaction is the wrong one.

There are straps bound around his arms, over his bandages. They've restrained him more securely than they restrained Kavinsky a little over a week ago. That means they think he'll do it again. If he could explain, maybe he could make them understand there's no point in trying again. That, however, would require an explanation of dream thievery, and how it came to be that Kavinsky created Adam's corpse while Adam himself was and is still alive. Since Ronan can't say that, the staff can only assume he's insane.

They aren't necessarily wrong about that. But the only person he wants to kill now is Kavinsky.]

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[Adam is worth loving. Despite all his distrust of strangers and all his envy of privilege and all his resentment of people in general, Adam Parrish deserves all the love the world never gave him and Ronan will always want to be the one to give it to him. He only wishes it was an easier task. And he wishes there was space for his friendship with Andyr somewhere in there.]

It's my fault. When he looks at you, he sees my unfaithfulness instead of my friend. I really fucked this up. I fucked everything up.

[Why is he saying that in past tense? It's an ongoing thing: Ronan Lynch fucking everything up.]

[ ronan is being given a look, because he's doing that thing again where he makes everything in the universe a fuel for his self loathing, and andyr's never been a fan of having his person used for that sort of thing. ronan likely knows this by now, so it shouldn't be difficult to guess why the hand on his cheek moves to flick the tip of his nose. sighing, andyr straightens up, though doesn't take the hand holding his away, not just yet. ]

Adam is, by far, not the first person to dislike me, and sure as hell not gonna be the last. If he chased after me with a butcher's knife, it wouldn't hurt my feelings, 'cause he's not that wrong for it, is he? [ it takes two to make infidelity happen, and as much as ronan wants to take the blame entirely for himself, andyr was in no way innocent. of the two of them, andyr's older and more experienced - he should've been the one putting a stop to it, and he didn't. ] But, as long as he's not forbidding you to see me, it doesn't mean we can't still be friends. Shit happens, it's not the end of the world.

[ but just that. friends. friends that apparently sit around holding hands, and if andyr had more sense and less selfishness, he'd put a stop to that too. he's not as strong as ronan seems to think he is. ]

Besides, the center of this place is supposed to be our ticket home, right? So it's not a problem you'll have to worry about much longer. [ a sad thought, but the truth nonetheless. everything they are to each other is temporary. ]

[Ronan would say infidelity is a perfectly valid reason for self-loathing. It's on the top ten list of worst sins, in fact. But he'll keep that belief to himself, for Andyr's sake. They've already gone around and around it.]

You don't actually believe that, do you? Look at this place.

[It's a fucking disaster.]

Anyway, fuck your world. You should come back with us.

[ they both know how that conversation would go, so it's best left alone. instead, andyr shrugs, expression lopsided as he considers the planet. ]

Hell if I know. I'm not the expert on transdimensional nexus hot spots.

[ but ronan's right, it looks wasted. if there was technology here that could get them home, it'll at least take a lot of repairs to get it going again. either way, that's the less interesting topic, and the more poignant one is ronan wanting to take him home with him. a small smile pulls at his lips, but it's a pained thing. grateful, but sad. ]

Can't. There's people I can't leave. [ and people they can't leave, and people those ones can't leave either, and so on and so forth. ] Much as I'd love to watch you herding cows.

Yeah.

[Except they both know he won't be herding any cows when he gets back, on account of the whole getting vaporized by a demon thing.]

Sucks, man. I kind of don't mind staying here a little longer.

[ andyr looks at him with a soft, slightly grim, smile, because those are his thoughts exactly. he'd stay here forever, if he could. with ronan, steve, ahab, bucky, and dutch. he loves posie and mikal, and he misses them, but god, he'll never find people like again this in his broken world. ]

Yeah. Me neither.

[ he admits quietly, as he folds out ronan's fingers and traces the lines in his palm idly. ]

Selfish, but I kinda hope this place ends up being a bust.

[Ronan watches Andyr's attention to his hand, rambling in a careless way:]

Just let this shit stay broken until... I dunno... I'll take six months. That's a decent amount of time to plan a wedding and have a nice, long honeymoon. Maybe a little domestic life afterwards. Make a stupid little house with a stupid little picket fence and plant a garden. Six months is long enough to feel out what it would've been like.

[ andyr'd missed this, the casual but frank conversations they have, while being comfortable in stillness. It's one of the few places andyr feels free to be completely honest about things (ignore the fact that some bits he does still withhold, but Ronan's sort of brilliant - he'll likely figure those out too, given the time). ]

If you're gonna be sent back to the same time you left... why not do years?

[ then again, where's the proof for that? How can they be sure?

And yet, at the same time, if the amount of time they've been here has already passed in their own world, the important things are likely already fucked. ]

If I have a choice? Years, for sure. Feels kind of like I'm pushing my luck if I hope for that, though.

Plus, if it starts getting worse again... Better to die back home than to die here.

[He's not really sure why. It just feels important.]

Maybe. [ regarding pushing his luck, he means. andyr can understand him wanting to be home to die. that'd been why he'd really gone to the tree back on the moira, right? because it was the thing most like home? ]

Usually Than can bring people back, but how much time do you really wanna spend dying over and over again? [ a beat, as an idea that's proooobably not a great one filters into his head. if ronan dies - does the demon go away? if his body and soul were brought back, would it be without the monster that fed on him? can it exist without a host for a few days?

considering they're here at all because ronan just tried to kill himself, andyr swallows it down. not going to bring that up, not going to give him fuel something that extreme. but there is that pause, andyr's fingers lacing back into ronan's and squeezing. ]

Anyway, not like we can know how it'll go, so. Not worth making judgments on it now.

[Ronan gives another glance to his bandages, his thoughts going to the same place as Andyr's. The trouble is, he has no faith in anyone's supposed ability to bring people back from the dead. Plenty of people died during the Moira's crash and never came back. And if he did "come back", he's not sure it would be him. It could be like one of Kavinsky's goldfish. A copy, not the original. Or worse: A ghost.]

I don't want it to be like the timeslip again. Days or weeks or whatever it was. When it happens, I want it to happen fast. Either I beat it or I don't, and then it's done. Not this... slow rot and getting dragged back into nightmares over and over.

[ watching ronan's focus move to his wrists, andyr's hand in his tightens, wanting to slip down and cover the bandages with his hands, but holds off, for the sake of not making it obvious. the idea isn't brought up either way, so he considers it safe. ]

I want you to beat it before the rot even starts. [ wishful thinking, but he still hates how ronan talks like it's inevitable. he supposes he'd know best, having lived it in fast forward, but nothing frustrates andyr more than having a problem he can do absolutely nothing about. ] Just... don't do it yourself, okay?

[Everyone hates that he talks like it's inevitable. But death, Ronan thinks, is so much worse when it comes as a surprise. People should spend less time denying it and more time preparing for it.

He looks away from Andyr. Not because he's going to lie, but because he already feels guilty enough for this attempt.]

I promise I'll say goodbye.

[ andyr'd told him before, that he knows what being made to live through suffering when you'd just wanted to let go felt like, and he still refuses to do the same to ronan. as much as he wants him to fight to the absolute end, he can't ask him to spend weeks in the kind of agony he'd seen on the ship.

ronan looks away from him, and he hates seeing that kind of shame on him. it's an impulsive move that he makes, pushing up from the ground to sit at the edge of the bed, his arms go around ronan's torso, and andyr's pulling him into a hug, his chin on ronan's shoulder. ]

Hey. It's okay. I understand. [ why he would want to, how just saying goodbye would be hard. it's not like admitting defeat is an easy thing in the first place. he doesn't want ronan to die thinking he'd be angry at him for it. ] This too. I get it.

[ how he'd wanted to just end it, when he thought he'd let adam die so violently, and so alone. andyr's throat feels a bit choked, his voice quiet. ] Just glad you're still here for now.

[Ronan isn't sure why Andyr's comforting him. It's Ronan who just put everyone through this fucking needless ordeal because he's an impulsive idiot who couldn't stop for two seconds to assess the situation with any level of logic. God, he hates himself.]

I'm sorry.

[Ronan's hit that wall again, the place where it feels like a normal person should be crying but he can't summon the tears, and instead the ugly fire of anger is beginning to erupt in his chest. Why is he like this? Why does he exist just to scare his friends and keep them constantly on edge? They're sad now, but when he does finally leave this life, they're all going to breathe a sigh of relief.]

[ when ronan does die, andyr's more likely to have a screaming fit, go on a violent rampage, and either murder some people or destroy some structures, but he isn't going to tell ronan that. he'll be dead by then, and he doesn't need to know what's coming after. instead, he lets out a snort, lips tugging into a small smirk. ]

I'm gonna start punching you every time I hear you say that. [ he just told you 'it's okay', you butthole, listen to him when he tells you things. andyr pulls back, moving his hands to ronan's cheeks, and tugging at his face to get him to meet his eyes, before he starts talking again. ]

Listen. If I spend the rest of the time I know you sitting next to beds like this, I'm still gonna be glad for every second of it, okay? [ a beat, and andyr watches his eyes, searching. he swallows, words that are too honest crawling up his throat, eventually making their way out. ] I just don't want you to be alone when you go.

[Ronan, who hates hospitals even more than he hates everything else, thinks that would be a terrible fate to subject his friend to, forcing Andyr to sit by his side while he undergoes treatment after treatment for a disease that seems like it should be entirely curable with willpower alone. If he loves Andyr as much as he thinks he does, then there's no reason why he should ever try to kill himself again. His mental illness can go fuck itself.

When he meets Andyr's eyes, he still looks sorry. In a furious way the probably betrays just how much he's internally kicking himself. Nothing is okay. The only thing that's close to okay is the fact that Andyr's holding him.]

Are you sure? It was pretty gross the last few times.

[His unmaking in the timeslip and the suicide attempt, both very disgusting. If he doesn't joke about it, he's going to punch something and probably rupture a vein.]

[ it's a sentiment andyr can understand, at least as far as wanting to cry and only coming up with a boiling rage that builds and builds. there's too much of them that's alike, he thinks, and maybe that means terrible things as far as coping with life goes, but andyr wouldn't change a thing about ronan. aside from the whole dying thing. still, he smiles at the joke, thumbs at ronan's cheek squishing his face around a little. ]

I've looked at my own ribcage before. I can handle it, promise. [ a joke, but like most of andyr's morbid jokes, still true. what pains him more is watching his friend fade, but it'll hardly be the first time he watches a loved on die either. andyr would rather take that pain, and know that they hadn't been alone when they left.

but there's nothing really to be said for comfort on it besides that, and nothing he can say that'll stop ronan's frustration from building, aside from loving him, and those are words he can't bring himself to breathe. not now, at least. instead, he squishes up his face a little more, stretching at the corner of his lips. ]

But neither of us are keeling over right now, so stop looking like you have a hemorrhoid.

That's just what my face looks like.

[Actually, it kind of does. At least half the time. But Ronan gives Andyr a more honest smile, which is kind of hard to resist when Andyr's manipulating his cheeks like that.]

Maybe you should get that looked into. I know a guy who's great at prostate exams, but you have to listen to him tell you about genital warts.

[ aka Alva. Forever lord of medical TMI, but the most caring doctor he'd even known. Well, one of only two caring doctors he's ever known, if you include Adrien, those two being the only people andyr allows to touch him medically. And maybe Angela. Point being, sorry about your butt problems, Ronan, maybe you need anal massage. But not really, because obviously they're joking. ]

Wow, sounds sexy, but I'm gonna pass.

[Of course.]

Hey, man, just trying to look out for your ass health.

[ said with a smirk, and a hand pinching his nose and giving it a playful wiggle, before letting his hands fall from Ronan's face, retuning to his lap. He should probably sit back down on the ground, and get out of Ronan's space, but it feels too good being close to him. ]

[Ronan doesn't want Andyr out of his space. He's enjoying even the most obnoxious nose-pinching. Ronan sort of senses Andyr's hesitation, though, and one of his hands settles on Andyr's thigh to keep him there.]

I'm glad at least one of us is keeping an eye on my ass.

Someone's gotta do it.

[ with a sly smile, because we all know why andyr's keeping an eye on his nicely shaped backside, and it has nothing to do with his health, and only partly to do with keeping him out of trouble. The palm on his thigh is a soothing balm for the longing, though, and andyr's smile becomes something softer, more honest. his own inches forward, hooking a couple fingers with Ronan's. ]

Okay, scoot, my legs are cramping up. [ because he's going to squeeze in to sit next to him instead, for as long as Ronan wants him there. ]

[In a tone that says it's actually the least of his concerns:]

You're gonna get me in trouble.

[Ronan moves aside to make space, mindful of all the wires and IVs still attached to him. He's already too big for this bed, so it's kind of ridiculous for him to attempt to fit Andyr here, too. But, by god, he's going to try.]

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