an anchor's just a coffin nail waiting for that hammer drop.

[nightmarist]

Who: Ronan Lynch & OPEN
When: Shortly after this
Where: The Medical Tent
What: Ronan is in recovery and under observation following a suicide attempt.
Warnings: References to self-harm, both in game and in canon. Descriptions of gore.

[Ronan isn't sure if it's been hours or days since Andyr found him and brought him to safety. He thinks he's been sedated, but then again, it might simply be the effects of blood loss or shock. Or both. Or all. Every now and then, his vision goes black and he drifts off. Then his eyes are open again, and if anything's changed about his surroundings, he hasn't noticed.

He doesn't dream. When he closes his eyes, all he sees is the body. Adam's mutilated face, his teeth gleaming white in the gaping hole that was his cheek, blood congealing on his lifeless skin.

Ronan hasn't cried yet, which is probably an unhealthy sign. He didn't cry when he found his father, either. And he didn't cry after Noah found him bleeding out, after he was brought to the hospital all those months ago and sat for hours detailing his trauma with the staff of the psychiatric unit. Ronan is emotional right up until it matters, and then it all collapses inward, and his face becomes stone. This means that he's broken, he knows. No one says it out loud, but he's very good at reading their eyes, and he knows that his reaction is the wrong one.

There are straps bound around his arms, over his bandages. They've restrained him more securely than they restrained Kavinsky a little over a week ago. That means they think he'll do it again. If he could explain, maybe he could make them understand there's no point in trying again. That, however, would require an explanation of dream thievery, and how it came to be that Kavinsky created Adam's corpse while Adam himself was and is still alive. Since Ronan can't say that, the staff can only assume he's insane.

They aren't necessarily wrong about that. But the only person he wants to kill now is Kavinsky.]

Comments

[unaffluent]

[Adam's frustrated that Ronan's restrained in Med. He knew just as well as Ronan that the danger had past. But the danger had been Adam's fault, in a way, and he still felt no small measure of guilt over what Ronan had tried to do. Maybe if he'd been paying attention? Could he have stopped Kavinsky from ever being able to drug him.

Probably not, in reality, but Adam doesn't hold himself to normal standards by any stretch of the imagination and Ronan almost dying is his fault. It doesn't help that his own mind is a wreck but he doesn't want to let that show in front of Ronan. When he comes in, his hand immediately reaches for and squeezes his, the other stroking down his cheek.]

Dumbass. [He mumbles but Ronan's his dumbass and at least he's still breathing. Adam feels a little less broken being close to him. All he really wants is to be wrapped up in him but the stupid restraints are going to make that relatively impossible. The only hit left from his trauma really is the way his eyes are red from crying -- embarrassing to admit. Kavinsky had left him relatively unharmed physically and Adam is glad that Ronan won't be able to see the damage. He probably never should.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan doesn't understand why he feels so little when he should feel a lot, why the smallest things set him off on most days but then he can't find tears when he needs them. He's overwhelmed with regret every time he glances at Adam, and he should at least be crying in solidarity. He can't muster it up. He must seem heartless.]

I'm the worst.

[His fingers weave themselves between Adam's and he shuts his eyes again. There's very little he can do except to feel Adam there, in the hand stroking his cheek. He wishes he could hold Adam in return. He wishes he could see Adam clearly and stop seeing the corpse.]

[unaffluent]

Yeah. You kind of are. [Adam says, an attempt at a joke but it falls flat. He squeezes Ronan's hand again, fingers tracing his cheekbone and then down the line of his jaw. It's not really enough. He swallows hard to quell the storm inside him as much as he can. Adam had gotten just a little bit used to not being alone with his troubles that the fact he's isolating himself partially by force and partially by choice to protect Ronan is hard. Much harder than it used to be when it was all he knew.]

When are they gonna let you out of here... [Pretty sure he's already asked this a hundred times.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan opens his eyes and stares straight at the ceiling of the tent.]

When they're pretty sure they've done all they can, enough to convince themselves it's not their fault if I walk outside and do it again.

[And in case it bears saying:]

I won't. But that's just how they are.

["They" meaning hospital staff and anyone else who kids themselves about taking responsibility for someone else's mental health. Ronan sighs and glances at his restraints.]

Don't bother asking them. If they think I'm too eager to leave, they'll keep me longer.

[unaffluent]

I know you won't. [Adam murmurs because Ronan wouldn't do that to him.]

It's stupid. [His hand dropped from his face but he's still holding Ronan's hand.]

[nightmarist]

This is what happens when you date a certified loon.

[He is sorry. He's sorry. He's sorry.]

[unaffluent]

[Adam rolls his eyes and he doesn't really have the heart to come up with a good retort to that. His fingers squeeze his hand again.]

It's my fault. [It slips out before he can catch it.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan turns his eyes to Adam, holding his gaze steady.]

You didn't cut my wrists. That's why it's called a suicide attempt, not a murder attempt.

[unaffluent]

[Adam lifted his shoulders.]

You only did it cause you thought I was dead. I should've... [So what if he was paralyzed at the time, he should have done something more.]

[nightmarist]

No, I should have. Waited. Used my head. Believed in you.

I was weak and stupid. It should be me taking care of you right now. Instead, you're dealing with this bullshit. I hurt you more than he did. It's fucking inexcusable.

[The longer Ronan speaks, the harsher his words become, until he's practically spitting with self-disgust. He takes a breath. He shakes his head.]

It's not your fault.

[unaffluent]

I'm fine. You don't even need to worry about me at all. [It's a total lie but Adam's not as anti-lying for good causes as Ronan is.]

It's not your fault either. [He isn't going to argue about his own fault in the matter but it's definitely not Ronan's fault at all.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan says nothing, but his heart's thudding more rapidly now, the beeping of his life monitor growing faster and more irritating. God, but he hates himself. He played right into Kavinsky's hands and the worst thing about it is that he had no faith in Adam at all. He should have been able to feel Adam's life, somehow. He should have known it was a trap.

His hands are shaking with the effort of resisting the urge to rip his arms out of his restraints. It will do him no good to fight.]

[unaffluent]

[Adam's not sure what to do as the beeping is going faster. This too is his fault. He swallows a little his fingers lacing with Ronan's and he leans down, pressing his lips to Ronan's mouth because he doesn't know what else to do.]

[nightmarist]

[It certainly helps. He can't stay angry when Adam's kissing him. He has to temper himself so that he can be gentle, always, when handling Adam. His loathing melts away with the touch of Adam's lips, and though his heart doesn't immediately settle, the tension leaves his arms and his shoulders. He tilts his chin up to hold Adam in the kiss for as long as he can.

Adam is so warm. The corpse had not been dead for long, but it had already gone cold. Ronan wishes he could stop remembering that.]

[unaffluent]

[Adam can feel the way Ronan starts to vslm down and so he continues to kiss him. He squeezes his hand a little tighter for a brief moment as he does. Slowly, though, he brushes his tongue against his lips briefly before breaking the kiss.

This really isn't the place to do more than a quick kiss he supposes.]

I love you, Ronan.

[nightmarist]

I love you, Adam.

[So much that there is no other reason for living, and God, isn't that a terrifying thought? He didn't think it would be this way. He didn't know Adam was the air in his lungs until it was all sucked away. He can't exist without Adam.]

I hope you don't mind if I never let you out of my sight again.

[He's kind of joking, kind of not.]

[unaffluent]

[In lieu of actually answering, Adam kisses him again, this time reluctantly shorter.]

I'm not going anywhere without you. [He murmurs and he's not sure how it's all going to work. What happens if the demon is a problem again, what happens if it can control Adam.

Adam's glad he's not hooked up to a monitor because his heart his racing with panic he feels at the idea of losing control once again, of it being stolen from him.

He tries to smile and fails miserably.]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan thinks he reads doubt on Adam's face, and it makes him wonder if he's being lied to. His skin prickles under his bandages, at the places where he sawed open his skin.]

I don't want to be your weight. Tell me if it's too much.

[unaffluent]

[Adam frowns at Ronan, shaking his head.]

I need you... [Its completely honest, the most honest he feels he can be aside from when he says he loves him. He feels the need to hide how broken he is. Ronan can't fix him. It'd just hurt him.

And Ronan wouldn't understand really how terrified Adam is at the idea of losing control. How could he?]

You're everything, okay? [His love, his family and home.]

[nightmarist]

Not everything. Not your burden. Please don't think you have to keep me alive. This or anything else -

[The death that's still coming for him.]

- It's not on you.

[unaffluent]

[Adam's jaw clenches. It would be on him if he didn't figure out the answer. He swallows and for a moment he looks anywhere but at Ronan.]

What I am to you, you are to me.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan's eyes remain on Adam.]

But I want you to live after I'm gone.

[morethan084]

[When Daisy came to medical to get her arm looked at, the last thing she was expecting to see in here was Ronan strapped to a bed. He didn't seem to notice her, so she left him alone. At least until her check up was done and she was on her way back out.

It wasn't hard to assume what happened to him, which is why she doesn't tease him. Which she might've done otherwise.]

Hey.

[unaffluent]

[Adam stares at Ronan for what felt like an eternity after that.

Then he laughs, letting go of his hand. It's not an amused laugh. It's the laugh of someone who's mentally cracking.]

You don't get to do that, especially not now, Lynch. [His eyes are watering again, and he hasn't cried in front of Ronan, since everything had happened with Kavinsky, had always left, had always tried to protect him as much as he could.]

You don't have a right to say that kind of shit.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan doesn't look at her until she speaks to him, and then he only affords her a glance. It's somewhat humiliating to be on display like this. Not that he blames the staff. There's only so much to be done with a tent.]

Morning. Lovely day, isn't it.

[When life gives you lemons, be sardonic. He has no idea if it's morning, even.]