christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's heart.

[nightmarist]

Who: Ronan Lynch & OPEN
When: December
Where: The Midway Hub
What: Rare encounters with Ronan Lynch.
Warnings: Spoilers, excessive swearing, religious references, violence, sex...

week one - a wasteland oasis

[It's near the end of the first week that Ronan creates a garden.

Granted, it's a small one. He's wary of spending too much energy at once, and he remembers Andyr's advice about avoiding the attention of the others, lest they get the idea that a Greywaren would be a fun pet to keep locked in a cage, generating resources as necessary. He dreams the garden in the middle of the night, sneaking off to the edge of camp like he's going to take a piss. He picks a spot half-enclosed by boulders, and when he wakes, a stream of fresh water flows from the rocks and the area immediately around Ronan has sprouted bushes and trees bearing ripe fruit and berries.

He's still there after the camp's awoken, sitting with his back to one of the boulders, enjoying a breakfast of apples and blackberries. After days of eating nothing but junk food with Kavinsky, the fruit tastes heavenly. Or it might simply be that dreamt fruit is more delicious than anything mundane. Chainsaw keeps him company, the raven circling overhead and occasionally swooping down to steal a berry from Ronan, which earns her a cranky chiding from him.]

week two - a dead luxury car

[By the beginning of the second week, Ronan has acquired his BMW.

Recreated it, rather. Somewhat disastrously, in terms of the dreaming experience, but the resulting car nearly perfect. Most of the alterations are on purpose: wheels equipped to handle rough terrain, a bulletproof exterior that somehow weighs not a pound more than the original, a gas tank that refills itself... The only problem is that it seems to have inherited the Pig's finicky nature (which Ronan privately attributes to his longing to be reunited with his best friend, Gansey).

Ronan is a spectacular street racer, but he's never been much of a mechanic. When the BMW refuses to start, he's left to puzzle over the problem without anyone he can call for help. After about an hour of opening the hood, finding nothing, slamming the hood, and doing it all over again, Ronan takes a break. He climbs up onto the top of the thing and lays out across it, his long body draped from roof to nose. If he could, he'd be dreaming up an improved version of the sports car. But that ability's been stolen away from him, and he feels helpless in every way. It's infuriating.]

week three - a disabled weapon

[During the third week, being human becomes unbearable.

Ronan didn't think he would miss magic this much. Back home, his connection to the ley line was mostly only evident in his sleep. He never experienced Adam's waking visions or the whispering of spirits or the thrumming of energy in his veins. If anyone asked him, he would have said he felt like any other boy.

Removed from his magic, however, Ronan quickly realizes the extent to which he is no ordinary boy. He isn't even Kavinsky, who's struggling with being severed from his dreams in his own self-destructive way. Kavinsky is only a dream thief. Ronan is more than that, and he feels the difference more acutely with each passing day. It isn't simply that he can't dream. Something is fundamentally wrong with his body. It's like there's an itch he can't scratch on his brain, or like a piece of his heart has been numbed, or like his blood is flowing in the opposite direction. An endless, nameless discomfort which is the suppression of his dream half. To look at him, he might seem vaguely ill, or depressed, or faded like some of the color's gone out of him - which is worrisome, because he didn't have much to begin with.

When it's discovered that the water in the caves restores power, Ronan is one of the first to drink. He practically dives for it, on his knees and lapping it up with his hands. He looks desperate, as if he's been dying of thirst.]

week four - a very bad christmas

[By the fourth week, Ronan doesn't feel much like partying.

Being anywhere near the crowd is only getting him angry, so Ronan retreats to some private crevice around the bend of the cave. He's close enough that he can still hear the murmured voices and soft music echoing from the party, but he hopes he's far enough to go undisturbed by revelers.

Supposedly it's Christmas. Or something near that. If he was home, he'd be at the Barns with Declan and Matthew. They'd be having Yorkshire pudding and decorating a tree they cut down themselves. It would be his first Christmas with Adam and Orphan Girl, too, and she'd probably be eating tinsel or wrapping paper while he and Adam took turns chasing her away from the gifts. It would be snowing in the mountains, but they'd have a fire roaring in the hearth.

In the cave, Ronan kneels upon the cold stone and makes the sign of the cross. He clasps his hands and presses them to his forehead, bowed in supplication. He whispers to God:]

De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine:
Domine, exaudi vocem meam.
Fiant aures tuae intendentes
in vocem deprecationis meae.
Si iniquitates observaveris, Domine:
Domine, quis sustinebit?
Quia apud te propitiatio est...

wildcard

( Start a thread or contact me at pana. )

Comments

[nightmarist]

Thank you, Andyr.

[Ronan doubts any of it is within Andyr's control, but if it at least helps ease Andyr's temper, that'll be enough. Kavinsky's already hard at work trying to get Ronan to kill him. Failing that, he'll probably do it again himself. One less person coming after Kavinsky is a blessing.]

You really just have to learn to ignore him. All that shit he says, it's a trap. Everything he does is just because he's trying to get a reaction out of you. So when he knows what you care about, that's what he goes after.

[And now that he knows Ronan cares about Andyr and Andyr cares about Ronan, they can be sure Kavinsky will be trying to tear them apart. Ronan nuzzles against Andyr's cheek, then draws back just enough to brush a kiss over his lips. They're already fucked. Hiding doesn't seem to make much sense anymore.]

I'm sorry I led him straight to you.

[deconstruct]

[ he says it, and he doesn't know how much he'll be able to follow up on it, but the point is that he's going to put everything he has into it. if it means stalking the stalker, fine, andyr's pretty good at being a fucking creeper most of the time. after all, that's basically all he did on the moira, when they'd assigned him to vent technician. as for what kavinsky does, andyr sighs, pushing a hand through his hair. ]

I used to be better about that, you know. [ in hapsburg, he could watch any of his friends tortured and beaten, and he'd had it in him to shut down and watch, with eyes dead. it helped that they'd already known the necessity of it. that they knew he was protecting them by being blank in the face of their pain. if the staff had discovered posie, or mal, or alva meant even close to enough to him to cause some kind of pain, they'd become a pressure point, one that would be endlessly pushed.

he'd forgotten that, here. hadn't run into anyone like kavinsky that would so openly and easily use it on him. andyr'd been careful with strangers, sure, still believing that every life had the capacity in it to be cruel and selfish if put in the position for it, but hadn't been so aggressively conservative about it. Had he just been quiet about it, K wouldn't know, now, that Ronan's a vulnerability for him. Either way, Ronan, this gentle kiss he's giving him, the affection he's still offering so freely even after hearing him make a serious threat to skin someone, is so beyond worth it. ] It's not your fault. If I hadn't freaked out, he wouldn't have known.

Besides, your weirdo stalker is so far from the worst person I've ever had to deal with. [ K hasn't tried to pour acid on his skin just to see how fast he can heal from the burn, yet. He hasn't dragged him kicking and screaming into torture chambers. So, all in all, he can deal. He should be able to deal. He's telling himself, at least. Andyr's hands find Ronan's cheeks again, giving another short, soft kisses, as if it convinces both of them a little more. ] Don't be sorry. I'll be fine.

[nightmarist]

Don't underestimate him.

[Which is a funny thing for Ronan to say, considering even he underestimates Kavinsky on a regular basis. But it's easy for someone like Andyr to look at Kavinsky - a pretty boy with bird bones and refugee eyes - and fail to see a challenge. Kavinsky is a frail thing on the mortal plane. When he died, it was as quick as snuffing out a candle.]

The things we dream don't have to follow the rules. He could hurt you in ways that haven't even been invented yet. And he doesn't care about anything, which means he's got no weaknesses.

[Which makes him unlike Ronan or Andyr, and leaves them with the disadvantage.]

[deconstruct]

[ it's true, andyr's given to bad habits like underestimating, and having a too strong lack of personal safety. but, if ronan's afraid of this kid, andyr's taken it as valid enough for concern. hands smoothing over ronan's cheeks, he gives him another soft kiss, to his nose, and his lips, before a gentle little headbutt. ] I'll be careful. Promise.

[ and yet, the way he's talking about him sounds so painfully familiar to andyr, except that K had apparently succeeded where andyr'd only half-managed. in hapsburg, he'd tried to become that. choke everything out until there was only rage and violence, and a hollowness that kept the rest at bay. how else do you survive a place like hapsburg with your sanity intact? and yet, if the moira, and this planet, have taught andyr anything, it's that it wasn't enough. standing here with ronan, and the affection he feels for him, it isn't nearly enough. ]

I tried to be like that, you know. Not care about anything, except taking as many assholes from the Houses with me, before I croak. [ not that he doesnt think kavinsky's succeeded in not caring, but no one's impenetrable. ] No one has no weaknesses. Even if he's a sociopath, there's something that's important to him.

[nightmarist]

[In his heart, Ronan knows it to be true, and has a good suspicion of what exactly it is that's important to Kavinsky, if not for the reasons most people would assume. Ronan doesn't want to say it out loud, so he merely watches Andyr for a moment before turning his eyes away.]

You were never like him.

[Which isn't to say that he doesn't believe Andyr might have been a monster once. Kavinsky is a special breed of monster, however. Ronan cannot see Andyr delighting in the same mind tricks, the same sadistic torture games.]

If something's important to him, he wants to be the one to break it.

[deconstruct]

No. I was never fucking stupid enough to think hurting people would make them like me. [ he knows why kavinsky' been such a bitch when he found them together, heard about the obsession and possessiveness from Ronan before that whole thing even happened. Andyr knows he was never the same - he didn't try to take himself apart just to lose his fucking mind anyway. And beyond that, his only malicious glee came from a satisfaction in vengeance, and it'd all be straight forward. Suffering for suffering, no mind games.

And yet, even more, there's something stark about the impression he'd had of kavinsky that Andyr's happy to separate himself far, far from - ]

And I never joked about raping my friends.

[ the center of what'd made andyr completely lose it, the idea that Ronan would be forced to submit to that as well, because staying alive means keeping Kavinsky happy. His skin crawls all over again, and Andyr's choking down the aggression rising in him. If something's important to him, he wants to be the one to break it. No. Fuck that. ] He's not breaking you.

[nightmarist]

[Ronan sighs. All of this is exhausting. His feelings about Kavinsky have always been knotted into mess he's incapable of untangling. He can never muster up the kind of pure hatred Andyr seems to be harboring right now, and he doesn't want to try. No matter how he feels, he needs Kavinsky. He needs Kavinsky alive and he needs to be near him. Any further exploration of his emotions will only make the tangle worse.]

He can't break me.

[Ronan is determined of that.]

And he isn't going to rape me. Believe me, he's had plenty of chances. He wants a lot more than just my body. You don't understand what it's like, being what we are. He's in my head. I'm in his. It's worse than just mind-reading, it's... When we dream, we're making worlds together. He wants me to stay there with him, and I won't do it. I love too many things about reality.

[Andyr, for example. Ronan bows to press a kiss to his temple.]