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Then you've gotta choose what you can live with.

[Bucky didn't want to force Zevran into anything he didn't want. He either wanted to be with Bucky or he did't. When it came to everything else, insecurities, the past, doubts, any of that, they could work through it together.]

I haven't either.

[He grips his hand, turns it over and links their fingers.]

I've never wanted to. But if you do, we can make this work.

Neither are ideal.

[If he had semi normal upbringing, maybe he wouldn't have these draw backs. But there was nothing that could help him there. He is who he is, and at least Bucky has similar experience. Maybe this can work.]

Is this the part where we kiss then? [He says with a smile.]

No, they're not.

[Bucky tips down to give him a kiss, but it's reserved, chaste even. He's still not convinced that this is what Zevran really wants. He has to be.]

Can we keep talking about this?

[He takes a step towards the bed.]

[He's tense as lips meet. This isn't like a kiss that they have shared before. It makes him nervous and unsure. He wants Bucky, and doesn't want to be left alone. He thought he made that clear already. He is hesitate to follow, but after a moment he take a step in Bucky's wake.]

Did I say something wrong?

No.

[Bucky sits down on the makeshift bed, tugging Zevran down with him. He doesn't make the elf get any closer than he wants to, just drapes the blanket across his hips, and drops his hands to his lap.]

I don't want you to do this if you don't want to. [He tries to smile, falls short.] I'm scared, afraid I'll mess this up, but I know I want to try.

I've gotta know that you feel that way, too.

You're scared?

[He says that with a half hearted chuckle as Bucky brings him down onto the he'd with him. Bucky had no idea how nerve racking this is, how terrified he was, or why. There was a reason for everything he did.]

I'm terrified. [A nervous laugh leaves him as his fingers run through his hair. He stares at Bucky, but he can't look him in the eyes for more than a second or two. He can't get the look of betray out of his head.

I don't know what I want, but I know I dont want to lose or hurt you. [There is a pause befire he continues. His hands fiddle with the blanket in a nervous tick.] Bad things happen around me, terrible things. I'm terrified it will happen to you too but.....I'm selfish.

Course I am.

[He's trying to be open, honest. Bucky's bringing seventy plus years of baggage with him into this relationship and he doesn't want to ruin it by not admitting to the things that he should.]

Yeah, and guess what? I'm selfish, too.

[Bucky reaches for Zev's hand, curling his fingers around it.]

Bad things have been happening to me for a long time but you're not one of them. You can't control what happens to us. As long you don't try to hurt me, then I'll never blame you or be upset over anything out of our hands.

[He squeezes.]

You'll get the same from me. I'll do right by you.

[Oh how his heart sank when he heard that. He wishes that he could say 'no I will never hurt you', but he knows that is a lie. He can't looks at Bucky after that is said. He is too bright, too good. He might have blood on his hands, but Zevran willfully put his there.]

I don't think I am the best for making this decision, because I haven't been honest with you.

[He needs to think about what he will say, and how he will explain this. Guess he should start from the beginning really. He gives a shaky sigh, he's never felt this nervous before.]

The Crows are similar to HYDRA. They control their weapons but through drugs, debt, or just owning them and raising them.

[He's talked about this before with Bucky. How he was bought to be trained, but he never gave the full story. A little voice in his head tells him to stop. He'll leave you. it says. And it frightens him...but Bucky has to know.]

I was seven when the Crows bought me. It was a competition from the beginning. The only ones that survived in my group were myself, another boy named Taliesen, and a girl named Rinna.

She was the brains, he the brawn, and I the subterfuge. We were a good team, and as we got older Rinna and I became involved. Our teamwork just got better and I got cocky.

We were given a mission, to take out a woman who had a claim to the throne. She was a Crow as well, and she was planning on betraying us.

[His jaw sets and his face hardens. He's uncomfortable talking about this, he hasn't told anyone about this yet. The voice tells him to stop again.]

The target was Rinna and I froze.

[He continues on, staring at the floor now.]

Taliesen had a knife to her throat, and she looked to me for help. She told me she loved me, that she would never betray us, and that she wasn't lying.

[He honestly wishes that he could say he stood against Taliesen, but that wasn't the case.]

I told her I didn't love her and I saw the life leave her eyes before the blade even sunk in. I was just so angry that she played us like fools, because there wasn't a moment that I thought the Crows would lie to us.

[He pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts. His tongue clicks in his mouth before he says the next thing.]

And then I go back, thinking we would be honored because we just saved the Crows. And the master sits me down, and tells me that Rinna had been telling the truth. He just didn't like how cocky I had gotten.

[That had been the moment that he realised he was nothing but a tool to them. Something to throw away when the use was done.]

That was my last job for the Crows before...well before all this.

[Bucky's good at reading people, always has been. It's what made personal relationships easy back then and made him a good soldier after. While he knows Zevran has been through something that he blames himself for, maybe rightfully, maybe not - Bucky doesn't think he's someone that doesn't deserve to be with him. There's no such thing as only good, only bad. It's a mix.

They've all got dark parts and Bucky thinks theirs line up.]

You think that's all on you? What happened.

[He shakes his head, carefully tugging Zevran's hand into his lap.]

They manipulated you. They knew what it would take to ruin you and they made it happen.

[His mouth presses into a hard line. He never thought he'd hate anyone the way he does HYDRA, but the crows are at the same level now.]

He wanted to break you, your master. He deceived you and let you do something horrible to someone you cared about. Then he has the gall to sit you down and tell you that she was innocent. [Bucky exhales sharply.] That is not on you.

Anyone in your position would have had doubts. It's what people like your Crows do. They press at the weak spots to get what they want.

[Bucky would kill his old master. Now, even when he doesn't want to hurt anyone, he'd make him suffer for hurting Zevran this way.]

But none of that changes how you feel? I think I understand that. The mind is cruel. It twists and breaks, makes it hard to move past things. I'd.. I'd get it if you're not ready. If you can't do this with me.

[Zevran doesn't speak for several moments. He can't even look at Bucky until he speaks. The words are not the ones he expected. He thought for sure that there would be yelling, that Bucky would discover how terrible he is, and that he would leave him. But he doesn't, he doesn't blame him at all. He's shocked he doesn't know how to react.]

I...wait you don't- I'm-

[Confused. He is very confused. The words that he speaks starts to sink in. Of course Bucky understands, better than anyone even better than himself. It's always easy when you are on the outside looking in, but Bucky has experience in nearly the same things that he has been though. The pain, torture, and manipulation that makes up the life of an assassin.

'That is not you.'

It takes several moments for it to sink in. He feels a strange...almost relief as he stares at Bucky. That's all he really ever wanted to hear. That is wasn't his fault. A smile starts to slowly spread across his face. His fingers tighten around Bucky's hand.]

It is cruel, but...[His other hand carefully and gently caresses Bucky's cheek as he leans slowly inward.] It would be more cruel to deny how much I want this.

Edited 2017-02-05 01:09 (UTC)

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