Don't look at this garbage

[otiosity]

Who:Tony Stark, Marian Hawke, and Nathan Drake
When: Early in the month
Where: On the colony, in the spa
What: Generally being trash people
Warnings: Nudity, sex talk, our shame

Comments

GET IN LOSER WE'RE GOING TO TRASHTOWN

[otiosity]

[Go for a drive he said, it will be fun he said.

Hawke has now learned not to trust two things: Starks and metal objects moving faster than a few miles per hour. She'd only wanted to stop Tony from staring too long at the stupid Ingress statue. He was her boss and him looking crazy reflected badly on her so it was her job to save him from his sorry self.

Then he'd gotten enamored by these strange little things that moved quickly amongst the roads of the colony and decided that was what they were going to do instead of gambling or drinking. Imagine a Tesla but a convertible: fancy, stylish, fast, everything rich people want in cars. Well Hawke was a generous lass and decided to let Tony do something that made him happy.

Except these cars are awful and Tony Stark drives like he's on something illegal and she regrets everything.

As he drives down the road she's slumped in the seat, her feet up on the dashboard, and looking a rather nasty shade of green. Never again. She's never getting any moving metal thing ever again. Walking is where it's at. She might even give up wagons. Only walking for the rest of her life. Kitty, on the other hand, is in the seat behind her with his paws on the side of the car and leaning over to cheerfully shove his face into the wind.

At least someone is happy.

They take a hard turn that jostles the entire car and Hawke turns to give Tony a smile that indicates that if looks could kill, he'd be 10 feet under right now.]

Clearly, we have very different definitions of "change it up and go a bit slower for a bit".

[arcreact]

[ So, true, he spent a little (a lot...) of time hung up at the Ingress memorial, and sure, he has big, exciting plans for some of the other things he's gotten wind of (an engineering district and a free-for-all scrapyard, for starters), but the first thing he did when he realized it was feasible to do so was rent a car.

Because he hasn't driven anything in months, and that's a long damn time to go without breaking any traffic laws. ]

What? We aren't even going supersonic, and this is a space car, I'm pretty sure it could get there if I tested it.

[ He's grinning maniacally as he says it, weaving into traffic like he has no fear of death, eyes half on the road and half on Hawke where she looks like she's a moment or two from tucking and rolling out of the vehicle. ]

If you barf in here, this friendship is over.

[otiosity]

Is that a threat? Sounds like a great escape plan if I want to live past 30.

[Ugh. She swallows and tries to stare at the horizon as Tony so kindly suggested when he was busy going around a rather dire curve.

No. All she can see is misery and death. This is not working.

With great effort she pulls herself out of her slumped sitting position to collapse dramatically on the car door and debate with herself whether she is actually going to puke and if she is how satisfactory it would be to do it in this car.

She scans the horizon again and then perks up.]

Look there's Nate. Why don't you make him suffer as well. It can be team building.

[Just kidding, just stop the car asshole.]

[sketchycharacter]

[Nate's busy with not very much, just walking down the street minding his own business when the car screeches up. (Maybe it makes a screeching sound, maybe it doesn't, but it gives off the aura of screeching.) He blinks and takes a step back in surprise, only to relax when he sees two of his friends in it. Assholes.]

Hey guys. What's up? Who'd you steal the car from?

[arcreact]

[ He's always surrounded by ingrates, people incapable of enjoying the thrill of breaking every speed limit ever posted anywhere. Obviously the only thing he can do is drive her around until she's a convert.

At least until she spots a convenient distraction.

And let's be real: the brakes totally screech. What fun is driving a space car if you're not gonna cause as much of a scene as possible? The abrupt stop probably doesn't help Hawke's nausea in the slightest, but she literally asked for this.

Tony salutes from the driver's seat, shit-eating grin still firmly in place. ]

I dunno, some rich guy. Falcon here wanted a ride and I've never denied a lady in my life. [ He slaps Hawke on the back, cheerfully. (DON'T BARF.) ] Brazen theft's your scene, right? Hop in.

[otiosity]

[Tony isn't really doing his part in this "don't barf" squad goal. Though in retrospect this was completely her idea and her bad poor life choices for roping Tony into this. Not that she's going to admit it. She'd puke and die first.

Instead, she just groans softly, pale as a ghost and ashen faced, and slumps further against the side car door as a seasick person would lean pathetically over the side of the ship. When Tony smacks her on the back she makes a small "hrrk' noise and reaches up to cover her mouth with her hand.]

You keep that up and I'm going to redefine that "lady" view that you have of me. And I'm going to do it very cheerfully and very messily.

[Wait. No, she didn't want this. The idea was to see Nate and stop and get the hell out of this horrible thing. She leans a little more heavily over the side of the door.]

Nate, it's my professional opinion that you do not get into this... thing. And definitely not in the back.

[sketchycharacter]

Well I'm not sitting on your lap, because I'm a married man and also I don't want to get barfed on, so it's the back or nothing.

[Not really surprising that someone from a medieval-ish time would have trouble with cars, but still mildly disappointing. Hawke should be more hardcore.

Nate jumps into the backseat without opening the door and grins as he leans into the front.]

For the record, I could have brazenly stolen a way better car than this. [Lies.] Where we headed?

[arcreact]

Bullshit. I bet you steal Chevys in your spare time.

[ The moment Nate is safely in the car - Tony seems to approve of the ostentatious door-hopping, by the by - he goes right back to flooring it, possibly to spite Hawke, who is a giant whiny complainer that needs to keep her bodily fluids to herself. ]

Anyway, do you really need to ask? Isn't 'wild adventure, treasures and luxuries beyond your wildest imagination' explanation enough?

[otiosity]

[WHY THIS THOUGH. SHE'S SUCH A GOOD EMPLOYEE.

Hawke decides to give up on hanging off the door and instead collapses against the seat and then slumps down so that she's practically lying down.]

You know where I'm from adventure usually involved dragons and swords and treasure and you don't have to go careening around in some nonsensical metal thing. Did I mention dragons? Giants too.

[Tony is getting a massive side-eye here.]

If it happens, I'm aiming for you. Friendship be damned.

[sketchycharacter]

[Nate is tempted to sprawl in his seat, but better not in case Hawke barfs after all.]

Yeah, aim at him. I'm not the one who dragged you along.

[He would have, though.]

And those are pretty good reasons, sure. Better hurry up and get us where we can find them, though, or I might go looking on my own.

[arcreact]

[ Tony careens the car around another corner and narrowly avoids several cars in the process. He drives like he knows exactly where he's going, at least, but whether that's true or not remains to be seen. ]

Uh, yeah, aim at the driver if you want to die. Or be ejected from the vehicle.

[ Which, actually, Hawke probably does want. Damn. Not his best comeback. ]

This is better than dragons, because it isn't fake bullshit. [ Okay, there, that one is better. He squints at Nate in the rearview mirror. ] If my blatant speeding isn't fast enough, though, you're welcome to run alongside the car. If you run as fast as you climb trees, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[otiosity]

Oh, so that's how I get exactly what I want okay. Now I've got my plan... all... worked out.

[NOPE. NOPE. This is awful, she's going to try and close her eyes instead and try to remember a beautiful time 20 minutes ago when she wasn't nauseous. What a sweeter, more innocent time.]

Dragons aren't bullshit. Dressing up as a giant tin pail is bullshit. I think Nate and I are the reasonable ones here.

[sketchycharacter]

[Tony's talking to Hawke, but Nate's not worried. A barf-induced crash would hardly be the worst vehicular accident he's ever been in.]

Yeah, we are absolutely the reasonable ones.

[Alternately playing his friends off each other? Absolutely.

Though I should point out that medieval knights also dress up like giant tin pails, technically. Do you have those where you're from? Tony's Iron Boy suit could be considered an upgrade.

WE'RE AT THE SPA-RICH PEOPLE TRASH TOWN

[otiosity]

[Well, this is not the adventure they were promised. Massages and getting covered in weird leaves are decidedly NOT adventure and she has seriously started to question Tony's judgement!

Well, Hawke had an adventure of a different sort anyway. So that made up for it. Thank the Maker for attractive masseuses at boring spas. Now they've reconvened and are sitting in a room full of pools of all shapes sizes and temperatures and occupied by aliens of all sorts of species. Which probably explains why there's no gender break down. The three of them are able to all fit together in a small pool quite easily. The aliens don't seem to notice or care that they're there. Kitty is dozing by the edge of the pool.

Even though Hawke is normally not a fan of water, she has to admit that this is rather nice. The air is steamy which feels nice in her lungs and the water is warm on her sore muscles. Maybe Tony wasn't entirely wrong but she doesn't think he deserves to know about that.]

So.

[She begins casually as if they were not naked and she had not just had sex with an employee (or two) at this fine establishment.]

Did you two have fun?

[sketchycharacter]

[Sitting around in a pool of hot water with a guy friend, both of them naked, is not on Nate's standard to-do list, but gay panic schmanic, he's secure in his masculinity. It helps that he and Tony have spent some of their alone time talking about how great their respective blonde significant others are, plus he's still feeling relaxed from the massage. Tony was right; massages are great, even those given by masseuses who were decidedly not hot chicks.

Well, possibly his was a hot chick to a member of her own alien species.

Nate eyes Hawke as she settles back into the pool, then leans toward Tony.]

I think you've been officially outdone.

[arcreact]

[ Listen. A massage is a massage, bangin' hot masseuse or not.

If Tony has literally any compunctions about being naked in hot water with a bunch of people, he certainly doesn't show it. Actually, this is kind of nostalgic. He's pretty sure he's done this exact thing in Dubai, like, at least fifty times, probably with a lot more people involved, at least half of them strangers.

Admittedly, he liked the company in Dubai less than he does here, but let's not dwell on or admit to that. ]

Grudgingly, I might have to concede the point. Just this one time.

[ Nate leans toward Tony, who leans toward Hawke, eyebrow raised. A circle of conspiratorial leaning. ]

Shouldn't we be asking how much fun you had?

[otiosity]

[Wait, we're all leaning? Why are we leaning. Hawke was too busy yawning to notice any leaning. So when she cracks an eye open she glances between the men on either side of her. It's not awkward for her either. She and the crew back home bathe together and sleep together and are wholly all codependent (except maybe Aveline but she's unfairly put together), so this is tame.

Instead, she blinks her eyes innocently, drops the hand she was using to cover her mouth to lap in the water and gives a dainty little shrug.]

I thought I was a lady? And ladies don't fuck and tell. Though definitely outdone here. Completely, 100 percent, no contest.

[sketchycharacter]

[Nate just laughs out loud. Shit, it might even be a guffaw.]

Hawke, I promise you that I have never once thought of you as a lady.

[He says it like it's a compliment, and aims a little splash her way, though it doesn't really reach her.]

Come on. If nakedly sharing a hot tub with our rich friend who brought us here under false pretenses isn't the right time to share stories, when is?

[arcreact]

See? This guy gets it.

[ He claps Nate on the shoulder, but his attention is still turned toward heckling Hawke. ]

Unless you're pleading guilty to those lady accusations, you'd better start spilling the beans.

[otiosity]

You're the one who started the rumor that I might be a lady. Shame I didn't vomit in the car and nip that one in the bud. Believe me, the temptation was real.

[She's going to let that one hang in the air for the ride home, AHEM. Then she leans back against the pool wall and puts on a dramatically innocent thinking face as if she's recalling some lovely childhood memory.]

Well. She did have a nice figure as you saw. Her breasts were truly incredible, I'm not quite sure how she managed to fit in that uniform. Though she did have an unexpectedly long tongue. Forked like a snake. Which delivers better results than you might imagine.

Then as I was getting dressed, her partner came in and saw me and he wanted to have a go after that. He swept me off my feet. Quite literally.

[sketchycharacter]

A forked tongue, wow. And then double or nothing. Gotta say, I'm impressed.

[His tone of voice says he's also winding her up a little, and he is because he can't not at least gently jibe Hawke, but he's not lying about being impressed.]

Look at you, breaking hearts and making conquests throughout space. I'd raise my glass to you if I had one.

[arcreact]

[ The story is impressive enough that he doesn't even give Hawke shit for her inability to control the contents of her stomach. He just offers a low whistle. Two for the price of one. Forked tongue. Honestly now. ]

You didn't get her number, by any chance...?

[ Not that he's actually here to bang alien chicks - or anyone, for that matter - but he still has trashy appearances to maintain. ]

[otiosity]

Thank you for your support boys. I literally wouldn't be here without you.

[If Hawke is actually touched or empowered by their impressed responses she doesn't show it. She keeps her standard devil may care amusement face on. Really though, she's mostly just happy for herself and not having to suffer being so miserably horny and alone all the time.]

Forked tongue. Maker, I might never be able to go back. It was... whoof. I never came so fast in my life.

[Now she might just riling them up for shits and giggles, though she wrinkles her nose at Tony.]

Number...?

[sketchycharacter]

[Some people, no matter how close, might be scandalized or squicked out by frank descriptions of a friend's orgasm. Nate is absolutely not one of those people so he just grins.]

A number is a way of contacting someone from a distance in our worlds. Like the MID but for more people than just kidnapped crewmates.

[He settles back into the water. Ah, this was a good idea after all.]

I support you're indiscriminate banging, Hawke. I don't get to make hasty, possibly-awful choices about sexual partners anymore, and someone has to do it.

[arcreact]

[ What, you mean it's not normal to casually discuss orgasm habits with several people in a hot tub? ]

I don't know why I even try.

[ Though he doesn't actually sound too put out with Hawke's technological incompetence, even if he leans back against the rim of the tub with a dramatically put-upon sigh. ]

Something tells me there's a long history of entertaining sexcapade stories that we've been denied. I'm a little hurt, actually, after I spent so long talking up your boobs.