[Нико Белић] Big Mouth Prick (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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thisavrou_log2016-04-23 02:37 am
vengeance_driven) wrote in thisavrou_log2016-04-23 02:37 am
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Who: Niko Bellic
When: Dated to after this. Nudity/violence warnings apply there. Forward dated to the 25th.
Where: around the Moira.
What: Niko is released from Med Bay being informed that the fix for his injuries has left him a little odd.
Warnings: Anything one Niko's permissions page might come up. Drug mentions from the outset.
Niko had felt pretty strange since leaving Med Bay. Actually that was an enormous understatement. He'd heard descriptions of how certain drug affects were before; as a smuggler, he had to know them and he'd been careful not to get near the stuff. He wouldn't put shit in his body he didn't know. He saw what addicts were like. But he still was warned and he still listened. At that moment his entire mind felt like it was exploding all the time and his head wouldn't stop spinning.
Right then, he was pretty sure he was high or the nearest equivalent.
Sometimes he would stop in the hallway and look around with the attention of a cat looking for invisible bugs to chase on the wall. Or in the cargo bay, he would climb the boxes in fast bursts to get to the top, throwing himself up practically a full eight feet at a time. Then every damn time he would look surprised with himself for having gotten up so quick to get whatever he was after, then would still ask for help getting down because he didn't want to risk the jump.
He wasn't really having a great adjustment period. Cúrre warned him of what was going to happen when he was treated. He knew it was coming. But fuck if he wasn't confused.
When: Dated to after this. Nudity/violence warnings apply there. Forward dated to the 25th.
Where: around the Moira.
What: Niko is released from Med Bay being informed that the fix for his injuries has left him a little odd.
Warnings: Anything one Niko's permissions page might come up. Drug mentions from the outset.
Niko had felt pretty strange since leaving Med Bay. Actually that was an enormous understatement. He'd heard descriptions of how certain drug affects were before; as a smuggler, he had to know them and he'd been careful not to get near the stuff. He wouldn't put shit in his body he didn't know. He saw what addicts were like. But he still was warned and he still listened. At that moment his entire mind felt like it was exploding all the time and his head wouldn't stop spinning.
Right then, he was pretty sure he was high or the nearest equivalent.
Sometimes he would stop in the hallway and look around with the attention of a cat looking for invisible bugs to chase on the wall. Or in the cargo bay, he would climb the boxes in fast bursts to get to the top, throwing himself up practically a full eight feet at a time. Then every damn time he would look surprised with himself for having gotten up so quick to get whatever he was after, then would still ask for help getting down because he didn't want to risk the jump.
He wasn't really having a great adjustment period. Cúrre warned him of what was going to happen when he was treated. He knew it was coming. But fuck if he wasn't confused.
Cargo bay
She watches for another moment, tenses when he makes a particularly high and impressive jump and doesn't splatter to the ground. That's enough right there, she decides.]
Hey! What in the stars do you think you're doing up there!? You know if you fall, I'm not going to be the one to clean up your splattered human carcass!
[This nasally, irritated warning is hollered up in Niko's direction. God. Peridot reflects on how her life was so much easier when she could just look away and not give a fuck about what kind of dangers non-gems get themselves into. Now she has to actually care. UGH.]
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[He looks around. Obviously a little confused. Goes to the edge of the box pile. Stares down. Goes back to the other side.]
[Then he just runs and leaps off those boxes. Lands in a combat roll.]
What the shit! [He says when he's righted up again, pointing up there.] Did you see that? I could not do that before. But it's like it's in my head. Suddenly I can do this.
Sorry I know this is old IGNORE MY SLOW ASS IF U PREFER
...Okay, are you actually human, or do you just look human? Because from what I understand, none of this behavior should be physically possible for you!
[IT'S BLOWING HER MIND, MAN.]
Hallway
Deacon freezes, hunches down in a half crouch and starts glancing nervously about the hallway too, even though he hears nothing, because if Niko has been spooked by something, then Deacon is spooked too. Danger until proven safe.
"What is it?" he hisses.
Re: Hallway
He blinked hard at Deacon. Once. Twice.
"Are you moving slower than usual? Or is this just me?" Niko motioned between them, still staring at him like he was trying to see right through him.
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"God, I hope not. I know I'm getting older, creakier, slowing down, but I didn't think it'd hit in, like, one day."
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And whatever they fixed... supposedly there had been a reason. Maybe they over fixed it.
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None of which were available in the Commonwealth, but he was aware of doctors elsewhere that would sell enhancements for a fee. And he could see how, if someone we sufficiently injured, an implant could be used to compensate.
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"I just know that whatever attacked me, it left me with something that made my skin crawl. And I was wiling to do anything to make sure I did not get some creepy alien mites. Whatever this is, it was a solution."
He then squinted at Deacon. Came closer. Right in front of his face.
"Hold still a minute, I am trying to see something."
It was his glasses. Niko was trying to check his own reflection in Deacon's glasses.
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What the fuck is Niko doing? He feels like Niko might be looking right past the tinted glass of his shades, looking at his eyes, and it's unnerving.
...No. No, it's not his eyes Niko is looking at, it's the sunglasses themselves.
"If you're trying to decide which side's your best side, I vote for left."
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But he backed off then, took a look either way.
"So stuff like this? They what, can do it in your world? Pretty easy?"
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"Easy, yeah. Available, not so much. The implants are really rare, probably Old World military tech, experimental. So if you find someone who has the stuff to do the procedure, and that's a big if, it'll cost you the kind of money that, like, you could buy a small town with."
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"I guess even if I had that money. But if I had that money-" here, anyway "then I would buy that town and live there."
And treat everyone good and build schools and have good cars and all of that ridiculous nonsense.
cargo bay;
Ahab moved to see what was going on and then saw Niko, his room mate, climbing up the boxes at fast speed. He looked almost drunk. Was he out of it? This wasn't normal behaviour. At least, Snake knew Niko didn't do this sort of thing often, did he?
"Hey. You ok up there? It might be easier to crawl into one of these than jump on them." He clutched a grey box in his hand but then placed it down to assist Niko if he needed help. The man wasn't well.
Re: cargo bay;
"Yeah, I'm okay. They ah...
I got hurt pretty bad at the prison. And to fix me apparently they had to do some extra shit. And now... I am feeling sort of funny."
Then he saw what Ahab was carrying.
"Is this going to our room?" He laid flat on his stomach way up on his lofty perch and pointed down at him.
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"Yeah. They're useful for having around the room." He could blame David for offering him the choice of all the boxes. "Why don't you get down from there, huh?"
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"They changed something. I don't know. They just said I might be faster, a little more sturdy. I can't really complain. But, I do not know what the shit is going on."
And then he took a few steps back, dashed forward, and launched himself off to land on the floor and combat roll. From a height that should have ended in broken bones. Instead it ended in Niko coming up from the roll and idly rubbing his shoulder.
"Okay. Not broken. Still hurts like hell."
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"What the hell? That fall should have done serious damage to your body." He narrowed his eyes at the strange occurrence going on. What kind of drugs had they given him? Still, Ahab didn't like the whole invincible man thing. What if the drugs wore off and Niko performed another stunt? He could end up doing himself serious harm.
"Still think you need to sleep it off or get back to the med bay."
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He wasn't drugged, no. This wouldn't fade. But it sure as hell felt like he was. He was hyper aware of all of his surroundings. Of how tall something was, how short, how things moved. He was already a soldier, this was going to be shit for the related paranoia.
"So... I guess that I have to get used to it. Probably going to avoid jumping off things that high still." He grumped at the height of the boxes.
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"Yeah. I'd avoid high spaces. Want me to call you Spiderman?" Snake couldn't help but smirk slightly at the remark.
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It felt a little odd and unnatural. Especially even as he wasn't used to it. But it wasn't too much, no. He wasn't smashing things with his strength. He was just... nimble. Oddly so.
"I sort of have to do high places though. I work in here. Seriously man, does it have to be a cardboard box? We got other types." He gestured around the entire cargo bay, still not understanding what was happening.
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"I like boxes." He loved them. "Don't mean to clutter our room up with them but I've been wanting one with a different colour." He could never get enough cardboard boxes. Venom felt more at home with a box around anyway. He looked at Niko and frowned.
Engineering
On top of the manifold and craning up to check some circuitry, she doesn't hear the door opening over the engines, only sees the sudden movement of it, of Niko walking into the room.
She disentangles one hand from the inside of the casing, clamping down on the sudden mixed emotion and nerves at seeing him, and waves in acknowledgement.
Just a few more seconds working on this thing and she'll clamber back down.
Re: Engineering
"I uh..." he started as if suddenly vaulting up to her side was no important thing at all. "I wasn't feeling too good when we spoke."
"And I thought... maybe it would be good to talk to you in better circumstance. Now that Med Bay has seen me."
That way she could yell at him if she wanted.
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She barely took in what he was saying to begin with. Staring, she glanced at the circuitry board only when she could drag her gaze away for a second at a time, untangled her other hand and shut the casing.
Then she turned properly to Niko. Kept staring.
... "The ladder's on the other side." She pointed to the opposite side of the manifold to where Niko clambered up, voice deadpan.
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And for all that he said that with confidence, also bewilderment. Yes, he knew about how to do it. He just didn't know what they did to him yet. Not fully.
"I went to Med Bay to be fixed, and they told me that there are side-effects to what they did. Now I feel very funny. But I still thought that I should come talk to you."
His eyes were still kind of wide with cat-like shock, but he shut them so he could rub at some permanently creased kink in his brow as if he'd make his face relax that way.
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"OK...ah... Let's go somewhere else - I can take a break."
She always climbed up here, and sometimes half-slid-half-jumped down again, but this time she was definitely going to usher Niko towards the ladder.
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It was a serious conversation, they needed to have it. He knew he'd hurt her feelings; in fact, hurting her feelings had been inevitable unless he'd died as part of a CDC mission. Then she could have been sad, but grateful he got out. Here? Well, it seemed like things weren't so bad. On the surface anyway.
He waited for her to come down, knowing she'd be quick as well. For all she was dainty, she was also military.
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It was only when they were out of engineering and the roar of the engines were behind a heavy metal door that she took off her mask and said anything else.
"I'm not sure if there's anywhere private left on this ship." Talking about something as bland as logistics let her sound - and almost feel - perfectly normal. "Maybe the observation deck will be quiet."
They both had roommates, and with the ship being so big these days... Well, it had irritated her for different reasons before, but right now just having somewhere to talk - and not wanting any part of it to be overheard - seemed a difficult task all by itself.
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But he knew what the biggest problem was. Him. It wasn't self-pity, but a matter of fact. Even if it weren't the paranoia he did people more harm than good- after all, he and Tali met in the most shit setting possible, and they supported each other. He wasn't actually afraid of losing her.
He'd never liked himself, or what he'd done in his past, or what he knew was still inside of him, though.
But for now he just followed her, letting her find a place, all the while finding himself looking too hard at some things. Moving parts that would have been a blur a few days ago, now distinguishable shapes.
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The only conclusion she reached in that time was that there was nothing. And trying to rehearse this felt wrong. About when she reached that conclusion, she reached out to take his hand in hers. The only thing she could offer was that.
The observation deck was empty enough that finding a quiet corner to sit down was easy. Only then, with the stars and vibrant colours of the universe streaking past, did she say anything.
"Sorry - that transport wasn't the right place to talk about anything, I was just..." Suddenly beyond scared. Angry. In pain herself.
"...worried about you." She's fidgeting already, nails scraping on the legs of her uniform with odd little sounds. "Terrified, lately."
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That he wasn't okay? And even if he did get better, happier, he still would never fully be okay? That was it. Everyone had their problems and Niko knew it. People could point out until they were blue in the face how he wasn't the only one, etc. He wasn't alone in going through what he did. And that, by default, made it not matter.
He read attempts at empathy wrong. Or sympathy, for that matter. Part of him knew that. It always felt like pity or dismissal. But there was always a thought of how these people had never been there to see what he had seen. His own efforts at normalizing what had happened with other people were annoying, as he knew. Disregarding all this shit as anything but average life. Niko was a hypocrite, and he always had known this. It wasn't empathy when he spoke to others of his history, no, not from him. He made himself into a nobody that bad shit just happened to happen to.
And he knew he couldn't do any of that with Tali, because he couldn't put her in the position to know. Where they met, under the conditions that they met, it hadn't mattered. If he wanted to die, that was fine. Many of them wanted to die. It was their only escape and anything else he'd said had been a pipe dream. It just gave himself something to keep occupied with while he happened to still be living. Only with Niko, that had been his head for a long time, long before that other damned ship.
But he just didn't want to die, he wanted the world to work hard for it. He wanted to go out with the blood of his enemies under his fingernails, flesh in his teeth. He wanted them to wear his scars on their skin and remember him. The moment he wouldn't be a Nobody. When he'd be Himself.
Explaining the events that led up to this mindset, he knew, was impossible. Something he was only capable of in the face of indifference. Where those events were just background to history, as relevant as those old pictures of camps or wounded battlefield soldiers. Just the verbal version of passively observing those horrors, listening to Niko speak of them. The most intense reaction being "this is unfortunate", or "this is logical".
Inside, he hated himself. He used to be happier, before he became a part of the war machine, but even then he'd been at the bad end of his father's fists. Only through his mother did he feel unconditional love. But that didn't mean she could make him feel it towards her precious son. She deserved better.
Tali had the right to be angry. Tali deserved better, too. And he couldn't really defend himself, just explain. "I am tired of seeing dead children, dead friends, dead family when I sleep. I know it doesn't seem like I try. Someone could tell me to take things for nightmares, but I see it in faces, or hear it in voices. I feel it in words. I know even if I were a kind man, in the mirror I have an asshole's face. I look like my father..."
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How long before that, before ever knowing of the CDC, had Niko known he was lost? He'd told her the story of how his name didn't bother him - the 'nobody shot him' story - but now she wondered if the reason he didn't mind the name was just...that he thought it was accurate.
But understanding - or at least knowing what she couldn't understand - didn't make it easier.
"N--" In that moment, it almost hurt just to say his name. She didn't. "I can't tell you I get it...or I know what you're going through, or... I just don't."
And it hurt so much her throat was tight with it, her body tense like a taut wire, her eyes bright and hot.
"But it's like you're asking me for permission to..." She leans forward enough that, with her elbows resting on her knees, she can run both hands through her hair so hard her scalp stings; leans back and stares up at the stars so the tears don't run down her face and give her away.
"I'm not going to tell you I'm OK with you just getting yourself killed. I can't do it. Maybe that's selfish, maybe I--" Then she stood, abruptly, because her skin was crawling and she couldn't stay still with it.
She was barely facing him when the next words burst out of her, angry and fearful and livid with revulsion. "I love you, and I want you to be happy, but I can't help you and I can't lose you, and I was thinking before that when we talked I wasn't going to make it all about me, but here I am anyway..."
Here she was anyway, thinking this sounded like a request for permission she wasn't going to give for so many reasons, but because she'd spent so much stupid, stupid time pinning her whole future on them that in that moment, the end of him was just that - the end - and she hadn't truly appreciated that in all its depth until this very moment. Here she was anyway, turning a helpless sob into a silent cough and trying not to break down because this still wasn't supposed to be about her.
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"It's okay to be selfish. I am here because of you, not because of me." It was all he could offer. He couldn't defend himself. He couldn't. Not when, in his own way, he was being selfish too.
"I didn't want you to figure it out." That he could at least admit. It would have been increasingly hard to hide as time went on. Especially when things weren't so bad for her. When she wouldn't need the same fortitude that kept him rolling forward to get by. He'd always told her she was stronger and braver than him. He'd admit it.
Fuck though, he hated seeing her cry.
"It didn't want you to know not because I wanted to get away with it. But I didn't want to lose you too. I liked planning things with you. I didn't think about it then. But maybe that is the same as getting away with it. I don't know." He looked around, half worried someone would come in on them. He didn't want to be caught making a woman cry, even if it was his fault. "I would give you a hug but I think you might get mad at me for it right now. Or more sad."
A helpless gesture down at her, where she was curled up and sobbing. Like she was in her suit all over again, careful of how he had to handle her, because he'd become toxic.
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She ignored his comment about hugging her. In that second there was nothing she wanted more, but nothing she wanted less.
"So I was just supposed to find out you were dead from the medbay? That you weren't coming back? You've asked them not to revive you, haven't you," she adds as the thought occurs to her, hits like a physical blow. She really wasn't supposed to ever find out. Not till it was done, beyond anything she could do.
"Now I just have to sit around here and wait for you to not come back from somewhere. That's what we are from now on. Just..."
Temporary. To be destroyed like everything else they'd touched ever since joining the CDC all that time ago.
"What would you do?" she asks helplessly, and that's when her voice cracks. "If I was here telling you this."
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"I didn't ask for them not to bring me back. You know, I spent a lot of my free time learning to fly ships. It isn't as if I did not try at all."
"I would love you anyway?" Only then did he find her face again. That beautiful face that he hated seeing like that. "Tali, most of the people I have loved are dead. I have not stopped caring for one of them. But-" he shrugged hard, lifting up his hands. "I still make friends. I still care about people. I still enjoy them while I can because I know they can go away. Having them to care about makes me stronger when I feel shitty and weak. Even if I am pretty sure that-" his shitty decisions would be the end of him or his new companion.
But... it seemed obvious to him that she didn't want to do that. Niko had lost so much he had become desensitized. Somehow in a way that worked out to his advantage. He never held back on friendship. Every living person who treated him well was a gift. For all he'd been betrayed, he'd allowed new souls into his life, consistent in his opinion that those incidents of treachery were flukes. After all, for the violence his father and uncle wielded, his mother and his aunt were loving. For the dirty deals made by Darko Brevic, there were thirteen other people in that unit that always had his back. For ever Dimitri Rascalov, there was a Brucie, Little Jacob, or Dwayne. The joys sin people outnumbered the horrors. Aggression enveloped him easily but paranoia had barely scratched the surface.
And even if more were dead than not, he still clung and violently defended those that were alive. Did his best to find camaraderie in them and have other people that shouldered the weight. He always took care of what little family he had.
"It doesn't sound to me like you want to do that." He lifted his shoulders, stretched his hands in a large shrug. Was he worth doing that? Probably not. It had been his fear anyway. That if he admitted the problem, she would shove him away. It seemed as though he was right. "Look, ah, maybe... I don't know. I won't bother you for a little while." He raised his hands and started to back off. To give her space. Then, switched languages to Khalish. He was still not great at it, but then again, neither was he at English. "I'm sorry I got broken." The worst part was he used a word for "broken" that was closer to an engine part than it was any sort of organic physical weakness.
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She didn't know what she wanted. But not for him to leave.
"Look, I..." She usually found talking about the way she felt so easy, but now the words eluded her. "I've been telling myself all this time that we'd get through this, whatever happened. That we'd get away from the CDC, and then we'll get away from this too. I know it's not going to happen." It's the first time she's said it, and her voice is weighed down in the admission. "But I needed it." No. "I need it.
"I don't know how to..." Keep going without that hope. Niko had somehow learned to go on without it. She'd clung on this whole time because she didn't know how not to.
"I don't know how I'd do this without you." She had never been good at doing anything alone, not really, but this? It came out like a plea.
Niko could appreciate what he had while he had it. Tali wanted to clutch everything she had to her and never let go.
"That's the really selfish thing," she mumbled, barely sure he could hear her, looking at the floor. "I can't heal you," and at the word 'heal' she glanced up at him. She wasn't sure he knew the impact of that word - broken, the way he used it like talking about something that didn't even matter - but it stung hard, "but I need you holding me together."
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This time, it wasn't entirely bullshit that he said to give false hope. He did believe it. But she kept talking, and he let his hands drop limply to his sides.
"I didn't want you to." Heal him, he meant. He toed the ground with his shoe, crossed his arms, stared at the floor as if it was interrogating him. He'd done his best to hold her together.
"Okay."
He understood what she meant. Wasn't making promises, because even if he did make promises and he meant them, still was possible he could die tomorrow. It was a fact of his world, his universe. So all he could say was that. He'd keep trying to keep her together, if he wasn't too much for her now.
"You need to think about it some?" So he'd know it wasn't just an emotional reaction. Niko was prone to them so intensely himself, and he knew that... well, he figuring this out... It wasn't easy. At least he wasn't leaving.
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Niko was staring down at the ground like he couldn't look her in the face anymore. For a moment all she did was watch him, try to get it beyond the immediate outbursts. This wasn't some kind of new development - she'd thought it was, assumed that between everything that had happened to him before, the CDC, now this ship... But this had been Niko the whole time she knew him. Now... Now either he couldn't hide it anymore or she had just finally, finally caught on.
He'd always been lost, always been broken. But always been able to hide it. She'd thought she'd figured him out straight away, but it had taken her the whole time she'd known him. When a bubble of nausea grew in her stomach this time, it wasn't for her at all.
"You know..." She didn't answer the question. "I've never even seen you get angry. I've never seen you lose control. All I've seen the whole time I've known you is you trying to be better. Learning to be a pilot. Helping people. You learned a new language just because you thought it would make a friend feel better."
And it did, every time she heard it.
"People respect you on this ship. They like you. And--and I know you don't believe it, and it doesn't help how you feel, but... You're amazing." She shrugs helplessly. "You're nothing like anybody you left behind. You're nothing like your father."
She stepped closer to him, reached out to take his hands in each of hers. She was shaking, so teared up her vision was blurrd and she was starting to sound like she had a head cold.
"I can't imagine you hurting people - your family - just for the sake of it."
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It felt too true to think otherwise.
"There are some things I can do pretty good." He could admit that. He'd always been good at vehicles, driving. He didn't know about being a decent person. His efforts around people that needed it was "not an asshole." But maybe sometime... sometime he'd just have to let her see him get mad.
Then he didn't say anything else. He knew she was trying to stop crying. Maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn't, but he stepped forward again and hugged her up against him. There weren't many more apologies he could give. Just that.
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Her arms slipped around him, and though he could probably feel her slightly strained breathing, the hammering of her heartbeat, though she couldn't let go off the dark hopelessness slipping over her... She was calm. At the moment.
Cheek pressed against Niko's chest, she scoffed suddenly, not quite humorously. "I don't miss the CDC, but I sort of miss how we were back then. Does that make sense?"
Maybe a strange plus to being back in that was that they never took any relationship for granted. Every second was important. Plus, maybe he had always been damaged - but she hadn't been. Now...
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"It didn't help."
It did affect him. Badly.
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...But it was true, all the same. Somehow, when things had been really at their worst, the two of them had been able to forget all of it together for small stretches at a time. An hour or two of two kind of stupid, almost normal friends just being idiots together. She hadn't felt like that with him or with anyone in a long time.
She only pulled away from him enough to glance nervously at the door - the deck was as abandoned as it had been when they'd entered, but this was the first time it had occurred to her to think much about it - and scrub her shirt sleeve over her eyes, blinking hard.
"This would have been awkward if anybody had come in." It was a feeble attempt at changing the subject, but it was all she had. She felt somehow numb - like she'd cried it all out and her brain wasn't sure what to do with itself anymore.
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Because it didn't matter. She was intelligent, pretty, had a good voice, a sweet sense of humor.
"I go through phases. Sometimes I feel so good I don't even think of it. I'm just having a great time. Sometimes I feel as though I am falling apart." And then he nodded solemnly.
"Yeah, it would have been pretty awkward. I'm sorry I made you cry. I know you don't like this about me, but does this mean you're going to make me go away?" He finally pulled back enough to get another good look at her face.
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"No," she said, and it was firm and immediate - though she then hesitated.
"I've thought... I don't know. I've thought before that I didn't know if I should be with you because...I wouldn't help you. I thought maybe we'd just get each other hurt." Her voice was raw with shame, but she was holding his arms in a tight grasp, refusing to let go.
"But now I can't see us being apart. And I'm happy with that...whatever we don't like about each other." Even standing as tall as she could and holding his arms for support, she was barely tall enough to rest her cheek against his shoulder.
"I just wish I could hold you together somehow as well."