thisavrou_log | [OPEN] I try to make it through these lies

Entry tags:

[OPEN] I try to make it through these lies

Who: Agent Washington and YOU
When: 5/29
Where: Medbay, Mero Deck, Training Room
What: After his mental breakdown, the subsequent catatonic state that lasted four days, and then being in cryostasis for three more days, Wash is back. He's conscious, functional, and back from a canon update. Anyone used to the dorky space marine he used to be is in for a surprise when they meet him again...
Warnings: soft mentions of psychological trauma/mental break, general violence

a. medbay; waking from cryo
[ Before he has a chance to even get a handle on what's going on, he finds himself falling forward, almost crashing to the floor before he manages to catch himself with a quick step forward of one leg. Straightening up, the first thing Wash does is cast a quick glance around himself. ...This is wrong. There's no metal. No cells. No guards. Two seconds ago he'd been in prison, and now-- ...No, this looks familiar, too. He can't place it right away, it's been at least two years, but eventually it clicks.

The Moira.

How--? It doesn't make sense, he'd been home, he'd been there for so long, and now he's suddenly back here? He really has no fucking luck, does he? Exhaling a harsh breath that holds a curse, Wash glances down at himself. Oh, lovely, covered in cryo fluid and absolutely naked. Perfect. The luck just keeps washing over him.

Thankfully, he finds a pair of clothes nearby, likely in case he woke up at any point from cryo while no one was around. Wash tugs them on, planning to immediately go find himself a freaking shower as soon as possible. First though, he glances at the MID that's once again strapped around his wrist to check the time and date. ]

...What the hell.

[ If he's remembering right (and he's pretty damn sure he is--if there's one thing he has, it's a memory), it's been...about a week since his last conscious moment on this ship. Two years at home, yet he ends up back here after a week?! God, did he ever not miss this place... ]

b. mero deck; heading to room 008
[ Showered and feeling far fresher than when he'd practically fallen out of the cryo pod, Wash makes his way down the hallway on Mero Deck. The more he walks around the ship, the more he finds himself remembering the layout. Handy, considering all he wants to do right now is get to his room, check up on his cats (one of the few fond memories he has of this place), and get his armour on.

He hates walking around without any armour on these days. Doesn't feel safe. Makes him feel exposed. And he likes the mask his helmet provides him with, concealing his face and his expressions. He's grown even more accustomed to wearing his armour constantly than he'd been in the past, which is saying something given how often he could be found hanging around, suited up when he'd last been here. ...Only a few days ago, he reminds himself, though he's not sure just how long he'd still been here after going through the Ingress that last time, when he'd... No. No. He doesn't want to think about that.

As he moves down the hall, Wash ignores anyone who passes, attention focused solely on the corridor ahead of him. For anyone who may have known him before, or even simply seen him around, it's easy to notice that he looks...different. He still looks like Wash, but older. More tired. Worn down, even. There are perpetual dark circles under his eyes, greying hair at his temples that had not been there before, and a far harsher expression on his face than he'd ever worn around the Moira before.

A lot's happened in the last ~~two years~~ three days, and it shows. ]

c. training room; letting off steam
[ After being confined and locked up for a handful of months, Wash is more than ready for some real exercise. Get himself back into practice. Even let off a little steam. The program he loads up in the training simulation room is a simple one--it doesn't change the environment, simply leaves the room looking as-is, but adds a fair number of holographic opponents and the odd piece of cover. Simple. A good start to get himself back into things.

Battle rifle in hands, raised and pointed in the direction the enemies are primarily coming from, he only fires a few bursts and takes out one opponent per trigger-pull. His aim is still on point, at least. The enemy gunfire begins then, however, leading the ex-freelancer to duck and slide behind the nearest piece of cover. The opponents advance on his position, but every single time Wash peeks out from his cover and fires a shot, at least one of them goes down.

It continues more or less like this with Wash occasionally switching cover for a short while, but as he's down to the last holographic enemy, its close enough to him that he doesn't bother with his rifle. Dropping the gun to the floor, abandoning it for the time being, he leaps over his cover and plants one foot squarely in his opponent's chest, sending them stumbling back. From there, it's a flurry of well timed punches, kicks, and dodges. It's not long at all before Wash is standing over the holographic figure, which is laying on the floor. Unclipping his pistol from its place on the armour of his right thigh, he points it down at his opponent, aimed squarely for its head, and pulls the trigger without a second of hesitation. The holographic form dissipates, and the round ends. Wash has barely broken a sweat, but he feels a hell of a lot better after the successful session.

Maybe it's better being back, trapped on this ship than still stuck back in prison, after all. ]

[ ooc: for prompt a, feel free to have your character run into wash at any part--you want the awkwardness of a naked wash? go for it. same goes for prompt c, feel free to find him during training, after/as he's leaving the floor, what have you. i'm way flexible about this whole thing! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Since the day of his own import, Rinzler's made a point of patrolling the ship halls and common spaces. It's important to check for threats or system damage... but there are a few places he steers clear of. Usually, the medbay is one of them. It's well-staffed, with enough observant functions to notice any hazards on their own. It's the headquarters for one of the ship's admins. And it's a repair site, meant for edits, corrections, and other measures Rinzler would prefer to avoid.

But in the last user-week? It's become a part of his routine. Scan the halls. Check the medbay. And check on the status of the user he'd left there. Rinzler's own investigations had produced some background data for the cause, but still no options for repair, and the editors had stalled out eventually. Nothing to do but wait and see. Or in Rinzler's case, keep checking.

The sounds of motion on approach are neither strange nor specific enough to warrant interest. It's the voice that floats out through the doorway that comes as a surprise. A moment's stillness is followed by swift motion, his own low rumbling picking up audibly as Rinzler steps around the corner into sight. Washington. Standing. Functional? The helmet jerks to the side, a mute status-query that comes a little too rapidly to be casual.]

[ Still reeling from the drastic differences in the amount of time he's been gone here vs. his home universe, it doesn't mean Wash isn't completely aware of his surroundings. Side-effect of paranoia: hyper-awareness to even the slightest sounds or movements.

He hears the rumbling first--familiar, he can remember hearing it in the past, feeling it as he'd been dragged down the hall. The sound of footsteps come second, but by then, Wash is already looking up, head turned in the direction of the source. Around the corner comes the recognizable helmet and regardless of his full awareness of where he is and how little time has truly passed, it manages to surprise him. Not that he lets that show, rather he keeps his expression set, eyes taking a few seconds to look the program over. ]

Rinzler. [ Is it a greeting? Is it simply an acknowledgement of the other? We just don't know. ]

I'm fine.

[ He knows Rinzler had been the one there when he'd lost it, the one to witness it, and likely the one to drag him back to the ship once the Ingress spat them back out. He hates it. Hates that it happened, that anyone had been around to see him like that, and that anyone had to help him as he'd lost complete functionality. There's a lot about the situation that he can't remember, but he remembers enough.

The response he gives to Rinzler's silent question isn't a particularly explanatory or helpful one, but it seems to him to be the only part of any answer he could give that matters. He's fine, he's alive, he's functioning. What else needs to be said? ]

[Wash is standing. Wash is vocalizing. There's none of the disorientation from before, and certainly none of the screaming, awful crash before it. Rinzler stalls and Rinzler nods, and Rinzler is glad to see the progress. But every other metric seems... off. The program doesn't falter, not completely, but he stills, stare lingering on the other before he reaches for the communicator at his wrist.]

Source of errors: repaired?

[Source. That's something Rinzler knows a little more about now than he had when Washington collapsed. It's not something he expects could be repaired, not without major mental edits. But maybe those weren't as far out of question as he'd been led to believe.

He needs more data.]

[ As Rinzler stares, Wash just meets and holds the stare. He's not exactly getting impatient--it's not as though he has anywhere to be now and he's not so sure he's looking forward to diving back into the Moira--but he's certainly waiting for something from the program.

Though, after what happened, he can understand the stalling and awkwardness. Even if he hates it. He's not fragile, he's not going to break again, and he doesn't want anyone thinking that way.

When Rinzler finally types up his question though, Wash honestly can't help but snort something between a laugh and a derisive noise. ]

Repaired is a word. [ Not the right one. It's all still there. He still has trouble differentiating from time to time. But flashbacks and breakdowns are less to non-existent. ]

I got better. I went back home, I guess when they put me in cryo. It's been two years, I've moved on.

[ Not a full lie, but not the full truth. Why he's even telling Rinzler this much...he's not sure. Maybe because part of him does feel a genuine gratitude for whatever help he'd been given, or maybe as an apology for losing it on him in the first place. Whatever the case, it's out there now. Or, sort of out there. The basic info is there, at least. ]

[A word. But not one that applied, not here. The enforcer's mask angles a little further. The nonverbals are just familiar enough to be surreal, Wash's behaviors, but with an edge behind the sounds and motions that the user never showed before. It's not a shift that's entirely unfamiliar to Rinzler, either. Time could have the effect, certainly. But...]

Didn't leave stasis unit.

[Not that he'd seen. And certainly not for two years. A memory upload? But that wouldn't account for the physical changes. Whatever this was, it was a more complete update.]

Edited.

[ The response has Wash pausing. He reads the text, and then reads it again. Didn't leave the stasis unit? That makes no sense, he'd definitely been back home. It had been real--it felt too real to be a dream or a hallucination. A glance down at himself shows the newer scars he picked up since he went back. Those couldn't be there if he'd been sitting in a cryo pod the whole time.

He looks back up at Rinzler, then over to the cryo unit he'd come out of, brow furrowing deeply. ]

I didn't leave. I was in there the whole time?

[ A nod to the unit, and his eyes find Rinzler again for the confirmation. Christ, this does not make him feel any better about this place at all. If they can just drop people into cryo and have them believe they live through things that may or may not actually happen back home... Fuck. This is actually messing with his head. How can he be sure he hasn't just been on the Moira this whole time? His whole life? Just dreaming these parts of some imagined or programmed life in between moments they saw fit to wake him up?

This is feeling even more like some twisted experiment than ever before, and he does not like it. ]

Edited. You mean like they...updated me, or something? That doesn't make any sense.

[ Memory updating or something, he could see. But the physical aspect is what's throwing him off. ]

If I didn't leave that cryo unit, there's no way they could have changed my body. My memories, sure, but that's it.

[ Not that he even likes the idea of that. Just fussing with his head. Editing and adding memories. Why is that starting to feel like the central theme to his life? ]

[Rinzler's helmet dips in a nod.]

Periodic checks.
No status changes observed.

[So while it was possible the captains had sent Wash through the Ingress and back... it would have had to be between Rinzler's visits. And he hadn't given anyone a schedule. Not long enough, by any reasonable estimation, to extract the user, export him, and return him to the stasis location.

Editing, on the other hand? Could be a much quicker process.

Rinzler's helmet angles dubiously at the objection, noise ticking out just a little harsher underneath. Physical edits might be harder for users than programs, but he doubts they're entirely impossible. Especially here. The helmet tips sideways, examining the stasis unit.]

Full functions: known?

[ Confirmation. He'd really been in cryo the entire time. That seems so improbable, but Wash knows better by now than to put anything past this place. Whether it's the captains who pull all of this shit or someone else, somebody is fucking with all of them. And that apparently includes making them believe that they went home, only to end up right back here.

When Rinzler looks toward the cryo pod, Wash gives it another glance too, then returns his attention to the text box. The frown that has settled across his face deepens. ]

No. These aren't the same as the cryo units where I'm from. I don't know what all they can do, if there's more to it than putting people in stasis.

[ He definitely doesn't like the idea that they might be capable of more than that, though. Actually, completely honestly? It's frightening. Wash can't get the idea out of his head that there's a possibility there isn't any such thing as "home". That they've all been here the whole time and are simply being lied to.

Christ. How did he ever trust any of this shit in the first place? ]

--Wait, wait. You've been checking on me?

[ Isn't that...a little out of character for Rinzler? It's not as important as the possibilities with the cryo units, but it still draws Wash's attention once it sinks in. ]

Why?

[To Wash's answer, Rinzler gives a nod. If the edit hadn't been performed by a staff or visitor in the medbay (possible, but it seemed unlikely to have passed entirely unobserved), it would need to be a function of the machines. Maybe they could be remotely accessed?

He's about to suggest an analysis of the device when Wash speaks up again. Rinzler pauses midway through typing, mask twitching up to the user for a beat. Then he deletes the line and replaces it.]

Damaged.

Damaged.

[ Subtle. Good thing he's not all that sensitive about his breakd-- Oh wait, he is. Wash bristles a little at the word, but to his credit, he doesn't act on his agitation. Rinzler's blunt. He knows that. Even if the word hits home and makes him immediately defensive as hell, he does his best to keep a cool head. ]

Yeah. I know what happened. ...I know most of it.

[ He only remembers up to a certain point. Just barely does he recall having an arm over Rinzler's shoulder, moving down the hall, all actions reversed-- But he doesn't want to actually think about it. Biting his tongue, Wash exhales sharply and shakes his head. ]

That's not what I mean, though. I mean, why did you keep checking on me when it wasn't any of your concern anymore?

[ Getting him to the medbay should have been the most that Rinzler had done, if even that much. And yet he's been checking up on him in cryo, presumably daily if the program is so sure he'd never left the unit. He doesn't get it. It's out of character for Rinzler. ]

[The bristling doesn't go unnoticed, but Rinzler only looks at Wash, unbothered. Either that was damage, or this file update came with an extraordinarily low level of baseline function. Rinzler knew which option he preferred.

The reformatted question gets a small inward shrug of the program's shoulders, hunch tightening around him as his spine curves a little more. The gesture's defensive, but there's a subtler quality to the way the not-bow lingers. Apologetic? Maybe. Or ashamed.]

Ally.

Supposed to help you.

[As opposed to what he'd actually done.]

[ Rinzler's shift in stance has Wash squinting, trying to read what exactly it conveys. The defensiveness is the easy part to pick up on, but there's something else to it... Something he can't quite put his finger on, but it's not something he's ever seen in the program before.

The words that follow draw the majority of his attention when they appear in the text box, however. ...Ally. Help? It's strange, not just to get that answer from Rinzler of all people, but because any help he's received in the past has ended in some sort of betrayal. It makes it hard to trust that any of this was really about helping him. However, that said, Rinzler was still the one who must have dragged him back to the ship and to the medbay, and he's been checking on him daily while he's been in cryo... ]

There's nothing you could have done.

[ It's blunt, but it's still more than he'd share with most people. He doesn't like discussing any of the results of Epsilon with anyone, but considering Rinzler had witnessed it and seemed to feel some sense of responsibility... Whatever. ]

Not while I was in cryo, and definitely not while I was-- ...Not with everything that happened.

[ He only falters over actually labelling his breakdown, shaking his head after to simply wave the whole thing off. He doesn't expect help and he doesn't need it. ]

[It's Wash's turn to receive a slightly skeptical look. Still, Rinzler doesn't seem to find the point worth arguing. He's not written for repair—the opposite, really—and whether or not anything could have been done, it's true enough the program didn't know to do it.]

Preferred response in repeat instance?

Well--

[ No, not exactly. Sometimes Rinzler's bluntness is hard to respond to, and this is one of those instances that has Wash stuck between indignation and uncertainty. He doesn't need someone checking up on him constantly, especially if it's going to then be turned on him for a return favour, or something. But that's not to say that getting him to the medbay in an emergency isn't still...helpful.

Not that he wants help. Or wants to need help. Really, he's the only one making this remotely conflicting. ]

There won't be a repeat instance. I'm fine now.

[ 'Fine' might be a strong word. Wash is aware that his level of 'sanity' is still questionable to some. But he hasn't completely snapped in a long time and he's coping with everything in his head better now.

There won't be a repeat. ]

[The faceless mask doesn't show much, but Rinzler's stare lingers a little longer than could really count as casual. He hadn't expected much more data, but it had been worth a try. If there were any further errors, he'd have to run by his own calculations. As inadequate as they'd been last time.

Still... given the user was, in fact, still running (strange file update or no), Rinzler supposes it could have gone worse.

The enforcer's helmet ducks in a nod. Acknowledged. Wash is fine.]

[ Again, Wash simply holds the stare for as long as it remains on him, though he's satisfied once there's a nod. As long as that means that Rinzler stops fussing over the possibility of that whole mess occurring again, he's good. That's all he wants.

There's a long moment of silence in which Wash eyes the program for a long moment, internally conflicted. There's something he wants to say, but at the same time, he doesn't want to say it. It'll make him look vulnerable.

Then again, Rinzler has yet to do anything against him. And he deserves something after having to deal with the breakdown incident. He rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly, but almost instantly recoils as he touches the old scars and implantation slot. Clearing his throat and opting to keep his arm lowered instead, he settles his gaze on Rinzler again. ]

...Thanks, by the way. For getting me to the medbay. I'm assuming that was you.

[ He doesn't remember, but he does know that Rinzler was the last person he'd been with. It seems a reasonable enough conclusion to make. ]

[Fussing? Unlikely. Watching is much more up Rinzler's alley. Still, if the program had no compunctions (or tact) about bringing up Wash's issues... well, this time it's Rinzler's turn to be caught off-guard. The program stills, noise skipping quietly as his mask tilts a little to the side.

Whatever question he'd been considering, he thinks better of it, though, and responds only with a slightly stilted nod. It could be an answer to the thanks—certainly, Rinzler doesn't seem to know what else to do with it. Or it could just be an answer. Yes. That was him.]

[ Fussing, watching. Same thing in this case, as far as Wash can see. They're closely enough related.

He can tell he's managed to surprise Rinzler. That's fine, he kind of surprised himself there, actually bothering to offer a thank you. Not something he does a lot of lately. But who knows what kind of condition he'd be in if he hadn't been brought back to the ship, to the medbay? ...He doesn't want to think about any of it beyond that.

With Rinzler's nod, Wash mirrors the action. He may not be sure if it's a response to the thanks or confirmation that he'd been the one to bring him to the medbay, but he's fine with whichever it is. And things are going to get awkward here if he doesn't do something, so he starts to step forward, moving to walk around the program. ]

I should catch up on what I missed. I'll see you around.

[ Just before he reaches the end of the row of cryo pods though, Wash comes to a pause, then turns to glance back at Rinzler. ]

If you ever want to spar or something for some practice, message me.

[ And with that, he needs to get out of the medbay and let his mind settle a little after this...somewhat disturbing but informative conversation. There's another quick nod, and Wash resumes his exit, intent on getting himself a shower. ]

[ Having only just come out of his own session in cryo two weeks prior, it seems that Snake and Washington have drawn the short stick. Unaware of the emergency message that had been put up by Rinzler (or at least unaware of who it had been about), Snake had checked the cryo room a few days back and confirmed where his roommate had ended up. With no way to actually wake the guy up, Snake had figured he'd resurface whenever the Moira decided it was time.

All the same, he hadn't expected for it to be so soon. Snake had been on his way to the gym to get his daily workout in when he spotted a familiar face coming the other way.

Not so familiar, though. Given that they're roommates, Snake sees Wash on a regular basis, and it only takes a glance to realize that something has changed. It's not something that can only be attributed to mood, either. Wash looks older. There are more lines on his face, and more than that, his eyes are different. Snake knows those eyes; he's seen them in the mirror enough times.

Snake stops short, looking Wash over with a creased brow. He's no longer that over-eager recruit, is he? ]

Wash. What's going on?

[ Fully aware of Snake walking in the opposite direction down the hall, Wash figures he shouldn't be surprised when the guy stops to talk to him. They're probably still roommates. He has to figure, if it's really only been about a week that he's been gone on this end. If anyone noticed his absence, it would be the person he lives with.

It's tempting to keep walking. He doesn't particularly want to discuss the matter. However, he realizes that he's going to have to sooner or later--people are going to notice things are different. It's not like any of it is remotely subtle. And sharing a room with Snake, avoiding him will be hard. Better to get it over with so they can just move on and he doesn't have to put up with further questions. So, reluctantly, he pauses and returns the look.

Not so much the over-eager recruit anymore, no. ]

Nothing's going on. [ ...Right. Supposed to be answering, not lying. ]

I just got out of cryo, apparently. Didn't realize they'd put me in there this time.

[ That would be because he hadn't been aware of anything at the time they'd put him in, but even Wash doesn't realize how out of it he'd been, nor how many days he'd spent in the medbay after Rinzler brought him back to the ship. All he knows is that the last thing that he remembers happening here was, according to his MID, seven days ago. He's probably lucky he remembers the last thing at all, considering it's been years for him. ]

[ There's reluctance on Wash's face, like he would rather be anywhere than here right now. Snake can't blame him for that, he suspects that's the case for most of them on the ship. Maybe he's just tired, maybe he's frustrated because he got put in cryo for a second time, maybe it's a lot of things.

But Snake knows there has to be more to it than that. A change this pronounced, it isn't the result of regular wear and tear. Something else is going on. ]

I got out of there a couple of weeks myself. [ Snake grunts and shrugs one shoulder. It gives them yet another thing in common, anyway.

Having already heard from Dr. Banner what could happen when people went in cryo, Snake has at least a guess of what's going on. It hadn't gone that way for him, and at this point he doesn't know if that's good or bad.

He eases back onto his heels and crosses his arms over his chest, regarding Wash carefully. ] It's been more than a week for you, hasn't it.

[ It's another thing they have in common now, having been in cryo, but Wash isn't getting all excited over it. All he does is offer a nod of acknowledgement when Snake tells him he got out a couple weeks ago. What else is he supposed to do? Plus, maybe not talking will give him his out and get him back to the room sooner.

Except no, it won't. He realizes that the moment he notices the way Snake is looking at him. Practically studying him, it feels like he's being watched that closely. Then there's the question. If you could call it a question, since it sounds a lot more like a statement than anything else. Should have figured. He knows full well that the Wash who left is not the same as the Wash that came back. The Wash that left is dead.

Posture taking on something of a more guarded stance, Wash doesn't answer right away, just takes some time to stare right back at Snake. But he realizes he can't get out of this with someone he shares a room with. ]

Yeah. Try two years.

[ Though he still finds himself questioning that, since he never actually went anywhere. He'd been in the cryo pod the whole time, so has he really experienced two years? Or does it just feel that way? ]

[ The whole concept of living through experiences back home while one's body remains on the Moira is enough to make Snake's head spin. He couldn't explain it to Wash very well even if he tried, and he'd only be parroting what Bruce said. If it turned out Wash was that curious about it, Snake would be glad to see him Banner's way.

Two years is a hell of a long time, though. That alone would explain the distanced, reserved behavior that Wash is exhibiting. This place is nothing more than a distant memory to him now. It must be downright bizarre to have come back out of the blue.

While Snake could ask about what Wash experienced that changed him so dramatically, somehow he doubts he'll get anything approaching a straightforward answer. Maybe it was better to keep to the basic, pragmatic side of things.

Instead of lingering out in the hallway, Snake turns on his heel to lead them back to their room, glancing over his shoulder at Wash as he walks. ]

While you were back, living through all that -- did you remember this place at all?

[ In all honesty, the supposed living through experiences at home without ever really leaving the ship has only increased the level of paranoia that Wash has "come back" with. If the cryo units are capable of essentially updating their memories, who's to say that these memories are real? That these are actual experiences they've had, lives they've lived?

Having already had too much bad experience with memories, ones which weren't his own, this idea probably unsettles Wash on a level beyond what it would most people. Not to mention that it leaves him trusting the Moira and the captains far, far less.

As Snake turns and starts heading back toward their room, presumably where he's just come from, Wash frowns in mild confusion. He does, however, follow along after a couple seconds, offering a shake of his head at the question. ]

Not while I was supposedly there, no. Everything continued on right where I'd been pulled from and it was like I'd never even been here.

[ Another unsettling fact. They must have removed or suppressed the memories of the Moira for whatever reason, and Wash really hates the idea that they have that much control over their minds. ]

As soon as I woke up though, I remembered everything. Feels a little more distant, in a way, but it's all there.

[ So it's exactly the same as what Banner had described to Snake, then. It's not like he can wrap his head around it any better than Wash can, and he isn't that comfortable with the implications either. He'd questioned Banner on the reality of those new memories he'd received too, but he'd had a pretty good explanation for all of it.

They reach their room. Snake had been intending to go do his training regimen, but it seems more important to get Wash settled back into things, so he'll put it off for now. He opens the door, leaving it ajar so that Wash can follow him in.

He'll find that everything is as he left it, kittens and all. Just like the last time he came out of cryo.

Snake turns back around to face Wash, arms crossing over his chest. ] You're not the only one who's been through something like that. Have you ever talked to a Dr. Bruce Banner here? He might be able to explain how it all works to you.

[ Follow Snake in to the room Wash does, though things feel weird all over again when the door closes behind him and everything inside is exactly the same as it was two years ago. No, a week ago. Except, maybe, for the fact that the cats seem happier to see him than usual after his unusually long absence. Seeing them again, hearing their tiny mews as they trot over in his direction again, it's almost enough to bring a bit of a smile to his face. Almost.

Though he can't resist crouching down to pick all three of them up, his attention focuses on Snake once again as he returns to standing. The cats aren't too bothered, one of them crawling up onto his shoulder while the others remain comfortable in his arms.

At the news that he's not the only one to experience the whole "memory upload" thing, Wash's brow furrows. This isn't a new thing, yet he's never heard anything about it before? It seems like something other people would be distressed over, too, and would have shared with the rest of the crew. ]

I've talked to him a couple times, yeah. Never about cryo, though.

[ He's aware Banner is a scientist, though. An incredible one, at that, so if there's a possibility that the guy can offer some sort of explanation for this whole thing, he may have to look in to speaking with him about it. Especially if there's a chance it might make the facts seem less...worrying. ]

Maybe I'll contact him. After everything I got from Rinzler, I can't say I've had any new trust instilled in this place or the captains. If he can actually offer an explanation, maybe it'll be better than the conclusions I've come to.

[ So Wash's soft spot for cats hasn't actually gone away. Snake can't say that shocks him. For as gruff and world-weary as he is, dogs are still his soft spot. There's something about the unwavering loyalty of an animal that's difficult to push away.

The theory of someone's consciousness going somewhere else while their body remains is definitely bizarre, and sounds impossible, but Snake also knows he's not the expert in this area. If Banner thinks that he can explain it, then he's welcome to try. What Snake would like to know is how the cryo unit could actually make Wash look older on top of it all.

He doesn't want to get too deep into it when they'd only be speculating, though. ]

Rinzler? [ Snake has never interacted with this Rinzler, but from what he understands he's some kind of AI. Hence why he's kept his distance, but Wash seems to consider him a valid resource. ] What did you get from him?

[ Snake doesn't sit, but he does go to lean against the small desk on his side of the room. ]

[ Wash hadn't exactly wanted to get too deep into the hows and whys of the cryo units and all they'd managed to do to him when it's only his own speculation either, he'd quickly found himself there, regardless. Maybe it's the paranoid part of him, too used to being used, manipulated, and experimented with that simply couldn't resist, but whatever the case, he's found himself in uncomfortable territory. Places that have him trusting the captains, the ship, and this whole damn universe even less.

Not that he wants to think much more about it right now. He's had enough mental crises for the month already, he doesn't need to send himself spiralling into another one just yet.

At the question of Rinzler, Wash nods in confirmation. A lot of people here probably wouldn't consider the program a trustworthy source of information, and he can understand that. However, he's had slightly different experiences with Rinzler than many others, including the program being the one to drag him all the way to the medbay after the...incident in the Amisses-Re Ingress. He has reason enough to believe what he's been told. ]

Not a lot. He's not exactly all that talkative. Guess he'd been checking up on me while I was in cryo though because he's the one who told me my status didn't change and I never left the unit.

[ He gives a stiff shrug of the shoulder that doesn't currently have a tiny cat occupying it. ]

I'd have assumed that I really had gone back home, otherwise. ...It all felt completely real.

[ And now he's a little foggier on what is and isn't real, which he despises. He's dealt with that for long enough, finally got things clearer, and now there's a new uncertainty hanging around. ]

[ Snake runs his hand over his mouth as he considers what would inspire an AI to check in on someone in that way. It wouldn't make sense for Rinzler to have any programming that relates to Wash, as Snake assumes they come from different places. Maybe it had been something akin to falling back to old habits?

Thinking about it is only making his head ache, so he decides to leave that alone for now. ]

Well, if it felt real, that probably means that it was. [ This is a conversation that Snake's had before, with Raiden in the bowels of Arsenal Gear. Raiden had good reason to question his sense of reality at that point, but Snake had done his best to ground him. He's not sure if he can do that for Wash now, but he can try.

So he pushes away from the desk and closes the distance between them. For now he keeps his hands to himself, but he's technically close enough to touch. ] Don't let this place mess with you. Trust in yourself, in what your senses told you. Maybe you didn't go back in a physical sense, but Banner tells me there might be a different way. Where your consciousness went back, even if your body didn't. [ It sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but nothing else helps the situation make any kind of sense. ] Is there anyone from your home here, from your future, who could confirm what you experienced?

I've stopped believing that things are real just because they feel real.

[ Too much experience with questioning reality, being unable to separate reality from the things in his head, being unsure of who he is and what in his head actually belongs to him. He remembers too much of someone else's life too vividly to find comfort in something actually feeling real to him.

When Snake moves closer, it's tempting to step back to keep some distance between them, but Wash keeps himself in place. He does, however, eye the other man almost suspiciously. Snake is someone he hasn't had reason to be terribly uncertain around thus far, but Wash still knows so little about him and that puts him more on edge than it did in the past. ]

My consciousness.

[ He repeats it in a deadpan, eyebrows raising in a show of how ridiculous that sounds. While the attempts to keep him grounded are...actually silently appreciated, they aren't necessarily working all that well. Then again, when has anything that happened on this ship made sense? For all he really knows, the consciousness thing could be true.

Or, his more paranoid theories could be true. ]

...Yeah. Sort of. [ He grimaces slightly. ] Tex is from not long before where I just came back from. Months ago, she told me what would happen, and that was part of what I experienced. And we went back home through the Ingress on Amisses-Re... To where she was pulled here from. What I saw there... it fits with what happened, too.

[ That's a loaded statement if Snake's ever heard one. If Wash has had to question his reality before, that could mean any number of things. That he's had his head messed with, that he's been tortured, that he's got mental health issues -- the list goes on and on. Snake doesn't want to assume any one thing.

Snake can see the wariness in Wash's body language, though, the way that he tenses up as he approaches when before he had been so open, so green. What the hell had he gone through, for the change in him to be so dramatic? ]

I know, it sounds ridiculous. [ Snake cants his head to one side and shrugs. ] If you've got a better way to explain it, I'm all ears.

[ Snake puts the name Tex to memory, fairly certain he's heard it before. He'll look into it later, out of curiosity, but for now he's focused solely on Wash. ] All right, so you've got a few different things to corroborate what you went through. I know it's not complete confirmation, but it's better than nothing.

I wouldn't say I have a better explanation. But my 'consciousness' going back doesn't exactly cover physical changes.

[ And he's come back with plenty of those. Probably more than only two years warrants, but it's been a hell of a two years. Not physically going back makes explaining those pretty damn hard, if not impossible, especially considering his cryo unit supposedly wasn't opened until he woke up.

After a long moment, Wash exhales harshly and glances off to the side. Yeah, he's got some sort-of confirmation that everything that happened to him is probably real. Unless it's written in to the memories of anyone from 'home' just the same way they have been his. Nothing feels like real proof, and that just makes all of this harder to know how to handle. Harder to know what the hell is real. Some of it? All of it?? None of it???

Fuck. ]

Maybe. I don't know. I just want to stop thinking about it.

[ Going nowhere but in circles, no traction anywhere, it's driving him crazy. His stability is already more fragile than he'd care to admit, and continuing in this fruitless journey right now is only going to cause problems.

There's a pause, followed by a quiet, humourless, bitter chuckle. ]

But it's not like any of us get what we actually want.

[ Shoving the issue to the back of his mind is only going to work for so long, and Snake has seen what bottling things up can do to a person. Eventually everyone cracks, even the sturdiest of them, and Wash isn't looking that sturdy right now.

Still, he isn't going to push the issue when Wash is fresh out of cryo and still trying to get all his thoughts in order. He's allowed to put off thinking about it for at least a few days.

Snake shrugs his shoulders. ] Well, you've got some time to yourself before other people realize you're out of cryo. May as well take advantage.

[ The Moira has a lot of problems, but one thing it doesn't lack is methods of escapism. Wash could go to the sim room, the shooting range, the library, the gardens -- the whole ship is his oyster while he tries to force all the intrusive, worrisome thoughts out of his head. ]

I guess.

[ It's a fair enough point. That gives a bit of time that he can ignore everything--or try to, anyway. Even if he distracts himself and doesn't talk about any of this with anyone, the thoughts are still going to be there. It's been more of a challenge to repress things ever since Epsilon.

Exhaling softly, Wash gives a belated nod and lowers his gaze back to the cats in his arms. At least they're a happier distraction. ]

...Thanks.

[ It's almost offhand, the way he says it. Probably because he doesn't want to owe anyone a thank you, but in all, utmost honesty? He wouldn't have been able to talk about any of this with anyone but Snake. He knows Snake well enough, and Snake...kind of gets it more than Wash was even expecting him to. More than anyone else probably would.

So, okay. He's grateful. Maybe the conversation didn't do anything to settle his paranoia, but it still helped a bit, and he'll take what he can get right now. ]

[ Wash doesn't sound that convinced, but Snake wouldn't expect him to, given the insane circumstances he's dealing with right now. If he ever solves what happened, Snake would be interested to hear about it, but for now it's clear that he should probably just leave him be.

At least he's established what's happened and given Wash some advice. That's the most that he can do right now.

The thanks earns little more than a nod. Snake's not sure how much he actually did, but he tried, which is probably more than some would do. ]

I'm heading out to the rec room to exercise. Everything should be where you left it.

[ Snake takes a look around the room, then starts for the door again. He knows when it's better to give someone their space, and that's definitely the situation right now. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[OPEN] I try to make it through these lies

A

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

B

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject