thisavrou_log | [Closed] Let's Talk About Feelings

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[Closed] Let's Talk About Feelings

Who: Tailgate and Cyclonus
When: April 27th
Where: Observation Deck
What: Time to talk about things
Warnings: None

To say that Tailgate was nervous was a severe understatement, yet he can't help but feel a sense of determination somewhere deep in his spark. He wasn't sure what he planned to accomplish here, but it was necessary, for both of them, to talk. He couldn't help but feel as though there were a few things left unsaid between them, and he hoped, that maybe, they would get the chance to say them. Considering Cyclonous though, Tailgate wondered how smoothly this would go to plan. He had faith in his friend, but goodness could the not-a-Decepticon be stubborn.

There wasn't any real setup needed, they were just here to talk, after all. Still, Tailgate made sure to bring two cubes of energon for the two of them and sat in front of one of the windows to wait.

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Cyclonus may be a bit nervous, but he'd never admit it out loud. Mostly, though, he's curious about what Tailgate has apparently been wondering about. As he walks onto the Observation Deck, he can't help the lightening of his mood as he sets eyes on Tailgate. He's just... so very fond of his friend. And he's so glad that they're spending time together again.

Hopefully that can continue. If it's what Tailgate wants.

"Tailgate," he greets, voice soft and warm.

"Cyclonus!" Tailgate greeted him cheerfully. He invited his friend over with a wave, and the closer Cyclonus got, the more Tailgate's resolve crumbled. Maybe he reacted too hastily. Maybe he shouldn't have reacted at all. Life would be so much simpler if things were kept right where they were, never changing and never causing problems.

It's not too late to take his curiosity back!

"I hope I didn't interrupt anything important, cuz I'd hate to cut into your window glaring time."

Not that Cyclonus had many windows to glare out of anymore, but Tailgate couldn't refrain from teasing.

"The window needed a break," Cyclonus says with a completely straight face.

The truth is he was neither busy nor window-gazing - he did his silent brooding on the observation deck these days - but if he had been he would have dropped it all to go talk to Tailgate, unless it was an emergency.

"There was something you were wondering about?"

Cyclonus' sense of humour was usually as dry as he was, but it was almost always a surprise. Tailgate laughed and settled next to him when Cyclonus came over. This was a very good place to be, he thought. If things go well, maybe he could be here more often.

"Oh... yes. Um, now that you're here..." He shuffled nervously. How do you ask questions like this? "Do... Do you miss the Lost Light? We've been gone from home for so long and... I wonder if anyone misses us."

Cyclonus lapses into thoughtful silence at the question, posture practically relaxed in his place next to Tailgate.

"I do," he says finally. "I had grown used to it. It was... Comfortable."

He looks over at Tailgate. "If things go according to plan, then we should return home to the time that we left. If not... If you were absent you would certainly be missed."

"Aw, you think so?" Tailgate asked, shyly glancing away. Cyclonus had said the same thing before, and this time he was inclined to believe him, if how the Lost Light had reacted to him before. He missed home so much. "I bet people would have missed you too. Like Nutcase! I find him hard to read, but I think he would miss you."

This wasn't really what he had wanted to talk about, but reminiscing on their home and their friends felt nice. A good portion of his close friends were here already, but he wanted them all. He wanted to go home.

"Cyclonus...?" He would try again to ask the question he wanted answered.

"I know so," Cyclonus says with a soft smile. This quickly morphs into a vaguely disturbed expression at that idea that Whirl might miss him. "That seems... Unlikely."

He makes sure to give Tailgate his undivided attention when he speaks again. "Yes?"

"Do you...?"

He couldn't hesitate now, not while he had come so far! Well, okay, he could probably get away with doing a lot of hesitating, just as long as he didn't outright give up and do the coward's cartwheel out of this conversation. Tailgate wasn't known for cartwheeling, so he mentally forced himself to stay on course.

"How do you feel about me?" That sounded so... so stupid, and he instantly regretted the nanosecond his mind let him think that saying it was a good idea. "I mean... us. Oh, that's not much better, hang on." He had to get his thoughts in order. Once more, he tried again.

"You never say anything, Cyclonus. Everything you says happens through the things you do and you never actually talk about it. I understand that. I understand you. But... but I just want to hear it out loud for once." I did this for you, Tailgate didn't say, because that implied that his affection has a pricetag or a set of rules, which it doesn't.

Cyclonus stiffens the moment Tailgate says the word 'feel', and he's still and silent as his friend continues to speak, and for a long moment after he finishes.

Optics offline, he pulls together his courage. Feelings are... Difficult for him to talk about. He'd managed, after much thought, to spill them out to Whirl in preparation of letting Tailgate go, but... Actually saying it out loud to his friend was even harder.

It made it more real. It felt like a promise. A dedication. The last time he'd dedicated himself to anyone was Galvatron.

But who was he fooling? He was already dedicated to Tailgate in every way but words. He could do this. Tailgate deserved it.

"I'm sorry," he starts, working his way up to it. "I haven't been attentive of your feelings. I-"

A pause. He can do this.

"I care about you."

In truth, Tailgate wasn't entirely sure if Cyclonus was going to answer. He was asking Cyclonus to take a step out of his tightly guarded circle, and Tailgate knew that that was no small thing to expect of him. This was important though, and Tailgate didn't want to just leave things lie. Especially when you didn't know who was going to disappear tomorrow.

"I care about you too." Tailgate said, his visor curving gently upwards as he smiles up at him. That was a start! A good start, but he didn't think that it was enough. "The journey was long and hard, but I'm glad I became friends with you. I don't think anyone else would have been able to save me like you did." Memories of Cybercrosis filled his mind and his optics dimmed. It was over and done with now, he should move on.

"Do you believe in love, Cyclonus?" The question was asked innocently enough, but there was something grave hidden behind the cheerfully spoken words. This, too, was important to know.

I care about you too.

It warms Cyclonus to hear those words, even though Tailgate has never hid that he considers him a friend. He relaxes, smiling back down at Tailgate, considering teaching out to take his hand...

He pauses at the next question, and Tailgate's tone. "Of course. There are many forms of love."

"Oh, cool."

To be quite honest, Tailgate wasn't sure where he was going with this. Maybe he was hoping that he'd have something bravely emotional or insightful to say on the matter, but suddenly he's drawing a blank. The one thing he hates about himself (well, one of the many things he hates about himself) is that he can never stay cool for longer than twenty seconds. Oh no, what if he's made this awkward? What if Cyclonus got annoyed and decided to go somewhere else? Sure, he hasn't done this recently, but, just, what if?

MMM say something.

"What would you say, um, would be your favourite way to, uhhh, express it?"

Nailed it?

"It's difficult to say. I've had few loves in my life and each time has been very different."

Cyclonus lets his optics offline, considering his words carefully. Perhaps it's time to open up for Tailgate. To really talk about himself. If it's for Tailgate then... He can do this.

"My first love was for Cybertron, the patriotic love of a person for their home, shining and beautiful. I was so proud... This I expressed most through song. You've heard this."

His expression darkens slightly, and he's tempted to skip this part, but... It's a part of him, and Tailgate should truly know him if he's going to be talking of love.

"Then there was Galvatron. He was... He was powerful and he was beautiful. A hero. A warrior. He was as the sun, and I a planet trapped in the gravity of his greatness. I wanted nothing more in my youth than to fight by his side.

"I wasn't the only one, of course. Many were awed by Galvatron. But I was the one who fought hardest and longest, to earn his respect and my place at his side. And I earned it. And I was happy. And then things changed."

He pauses for a moment, letting that settle. He's spent a lot of time avoiding thinking about Galvatron since they parted ways.

"Now... I think I enjoy our quiet times together best."

That's a sideways confession for you right there, Tailgate. For a guy who prides himself on honesty he sure is terrible at bring direct about his feelings.

If he had been a better person, maybe his first and most immediate reaction to hearing Cyclonus praise another so highly wouldn't have been jealousy and resentment. Cyclonus is so sparse with his words and feelings, that to hear him compare someone to a sun, to hear him call him beautiful and powerful, is jarring. Tailgate can't say he likes it very much.

He was so preoccupied with thoughts of Galvatron that Cyclonus' small, indirect confession flew gently over his head, making a slight whistling noise as it went.

"I've never heard you talk about Galvatron before. What was he like? Besides being a beautiful sun or whatever."

Hm, he feels that perhaps Tailgate took his metaphor more positively than he'd necessaryily intended. He decides to stick with it, however. It's easier than speaking plainly about his relationship with Galvatron.

"A sun is not a gentle thing, Tailgate. They are as tempestuous as they brilliant and powerful, and they can burn you as easily as they can warm you. To look at them from too close is to be blinded, and once you have entered their orbit you cannot escape their gravity unless you are knocked from it."

His optics dim, and he finally speaks frankly. "Galvatron and I did not part under pleasant circumstances. I would like to think it is because the Dead Universe changed him, but I think perhaps it was I who changed the most."

Whatever Cyclonus said, Galvatron still sounded greater and stronger than he, Tailgate, would ever be. Whether he was a good sun, or a bad sun, a sun was still a sun. Jealousy aside, he wanted to know more, because if Cyclonus was going to talk about his past, then Tailgate was going to press it as far as Cyclonus was willing to go.

"What do you mean? How have you changed?" He asked, curious, because he felt that Cyclonus had always been the same. The fact that he was always so steady and unchanging was one of the more comforting things about him. Sure, their own relationship had changed very drastically over the past few years, but Cyclonus himself?

"And what is the Dead Universe?"

Hopefully Tailgate will realize some day that suns are overrated and sometimes what you really want and need is just an equal to share songs and quiet nights in with.

Unfortunately, that sort of relationship means that sometimes you have to talk about things you would rather not. The temptation to change the subject is high. Perhaps if he starts with the easier answer first.

"The Dead Universe is a twisted parallel dimension, malevolent and hungry. It hates all life and seeks to consume it. Or rather it did. It has since collapsed." And good riddance to it.

"The Ark-1 was drawn into it and its crew was claimed, turned into something no longer alive, but not truly dead. For millions of years we remained trapped there. It... changed me. Under the Dead Universe's influence, I was no longer who I was before."

He takes a moment, remembering with revulsion the feeling of that corruption that once filled him. "And once I was purged of its touch, I found myself hollowed out, empty. A shell of what I once was."

His planet gone, his leader gone, his friends gone, his identity gone... There'd been nothing left for him. "The Lost Light was to be my second chance."

Tailgate sensed that he was being told something important, and chose this moment to shuffle closer until he was leaning snugly against Cyclonus' side.

"Is that why you were so... so grumpy when we first met?" That was a very mild word and he knew it. Cyclonus was straight-up mean to him, but he didn't like to think about that. Things had changed considerably between them.

"How do you feel now? Do you still feel empty?" He looked up at him as he said this, some part of him hoping that maybe, just maybe, his friendship with Cyclonus had been enough to fill in some of that hollowness. He wanted so badly to be that important to someone, and he couldn't help but feel guilty at his own selfishness.

Cyclonus only hesitates for a moment before resting a hand on Tailgate's shoulder as he leans close.

"That was part of it. There was also the fact that one of the first things I learned about you was that you're a liar." The corner of his mouth twitches. He's not proud of how he treated Tailgate during the early stages of their acquaintance, but they've certainly come a long way.

His gaze turns soft, his head tilting to stare into Tailgate's visor, willing him to just feel the depths of his feelings. "I feel..."

He pauses, then glances away. "...that perhaps hope isn't quite the lie I thought it was."

Tailgate glances shiftily away. This was the first time in a while someone had brought up the fact that he spent a good portion of his life with his friends lying about himself.

"I've gotten better about that." He muttered. Cyclonus' response causes him to frown a little, as he feels the shadow of a wall go up between them. After all they've been through together, why does Cyclonus still insist on being so distant.

Tailgate doesn't understand.

"Hope is a great thing to have. It makes tomorrow worth living. If I didn't have the hope that one day you'll be my friend, then I wouldn't have bothered trying. That worked out for the both of us I think."

"You're much more honest," Cyclonus says, approval clear in his voice. He even gives Tailgate's shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

He has many reasons for being distant, but all of them should honestly earn him a smack in the head. Even when he's trying to be open he's still terrible.

"It did." His free hand drifts down to curl around one of Tailgate's, delicately entwining his claws with slender fingers. "You were very determined. I admire that." Just say 'I admire you'. Just say it to his face.

Instead he just tugs Tailgate's hand up gently to press against his lips.

It took all of his self control not to squeal and giggle like a human schoolgirl. Somewhere along the way, Tailgate managed to collect enough dignity not to make a complete fool of himself at this open display of affection. Instead he settles on being only half a fool.

"O-oh... um. Yes. Yes I." He stammers, deeply flustered by this one, shocking action.

Well! He wasn't going to let himself be outdone! Tailgate gently tugged on their hands and brought them back to his own face. Having no lips of his own, Tailgate instead pressed the side of his face against the back of Cyclonus' fingers, and looks up at him with an expression of deep and open love and affection.

At this point, he thinks, there's only one thing left to say.

It's easier for him to express his feelings physically than via words. How could he possibly put everything he feels for Tailgate into mere words? It's too important to simply be said.

He smiles as Tailgate presses his cheek against his hand and brushes his knuckles against his faceplate. He doesn't deserve the devotion he sees in Tailgate's gaze, but it makes him impossibly glad to see him happy. He would tear the stars from the heavens to keep this one safe.

He'd do anything except tell him that, apparently.

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[Closed] Let's Talk About Feelings

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