there's no way this won't be great

[skelepun]

Who: Sans + Toriel + Ivan + Frisk
When: April 14th/morning of the 15th
Where: Gardens, bars, and rooms
What: The goat asks out the skeleton. The skeleton gets drunk. The hunk teaches the skeleton how to be a player. The kid learns what a hangover is. Fun for everyone.
Warnings: Drunkenness? Hurt goat feelings? Ivan?


gardens; closed to toriel

There are a few similarities between the gardens here and the Waterfall marshes. Despite every logical impulse, it is easy to pretend for a little while that the sky stretching above isn't a cavern ceiling or ship's hull. With just a hair of concentrated effort, those trappings of reality melt away into something wholly imagined. The glitter of crystals turn to stars, and the shine of light off metal becomes the sun.

It's peaceful. With the feeling of grass poking up between the gaps in his bones, Sans can't remember when he fell asleep and isn't keen on waking just yet. Even the warmth feels like the genuine article, soaking into his bones like a heat lamp. As reality drips in clearer, bit by bit, Sans notices that warmth is located to his back specifically. Another few seconds remind him that the grip around his rib isn't, in fact, a furry blanket -- rather, it's a furry arm, pressed in close and in a position he definitely didn't remember falling asleep in.

So much for staying asleep.

"Whoa, uh." He leans up and away, rubbing at his eye socket and feeling like the world's littlest spoon. "Hey, T." Nudge nudge. "Wake up, Tori. Think we conked out."

bar; closed to ivan

Well. That went well.

Toriel was many things, and kind might top the list. Maybe if she were to get angry at him, or ask for an explanation, or even react beyond quiet understanding, Sans would feel less low right now. He would be so content to coast along as best friends, full satisfied by that arrangement. Companionship without complications or strings. Sans' favorite kind.

She was just so understanding. Ironic, considering Sans understood only about 10% of his own reaction. Even more ironic, the person he wishes he could talk to about this, the person he's sure would have all the answers he needs, is Toriel herself.

Welp. Sans would just have to resort to his second best friend: ketchup. Maybe Miles would be back tonight. Sans wasn't hopeful -- he might not have ears, but he kept them to the walls all the same, and word was Miles had some further recouping to do -- but today was a day of surprises.

Of course, Sans was wrong about everything except for the surprise part.

"'Sup, Ivan." He nods, sliding up onto a stool. "Usual, please. Extra vinegary, if you have it."

nomo deck; closed to frisk

If Sans didn't know any better, he would be sure there were hamsters skittering around in his skull. Hamsters with tiny hammers tied to their tiny feet, pounding with each frantic footfall.

Hamster hammers. There's a pun in there somewhere, but it's a testament to how prominent the ache in his head is that Sans can't think of one for the life of him.

He had a reason for setting his alarm this morning, but pulling the covers over his skull takes precedent. Whatever or whoever it is can wait. Sans has the hangover of the century coming on and he's not about to miss a moment of this groundbreaking personal event.

Ow.

Comments

[skelepun]

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a real prick?" Sans was still beaming, despite the passive aggressive edge to his voice. "Though I guess you'd take the association as flattery. Anyway--

"Haven't you ever had a best friend who wants to take things somewhere you're not sure you want to go?"

[whatdidisay]

"No," Ivan says, secure in the knowledge that no one has, and most likely, no one will. Anyway, the insults everyone tends to go for are things like idiot. At least Miles and the rest of his family does. Speaking of--

"Er. My cousin? He drags me plenty of places I don't want to go." Somehow, though, Ivan doesn't think that's where he's going with this. "But probably not like what you're implying."

[skelepun]

"Yeah? Well, I don't claim to know much about how humans fraternize with their cousins." Sans drummed his fingers against his cheekbone, weighing the logic of seeking true blue advice from a man so profoundly... well, Ivan. "But what I'm talking about is taking your best friend on a date. Kinda a sticky situation. And she's got fur, so, y'know. Sticky's a problem."

[whatdidisay]

"You need to get out, meet more Vor," Ivan counters. Ah, what a bunch of inbred individuals they are. He's got a lot going against him, it's true, but some things for him. Or so he'd like to think. "Do you want to date her? I mean, you said you weren't sure so I'm going to guess a soft sort of maybe. Why not?"

He highly doubts it's a fear of marriage or commitment or a sticky issue.

[skelepun]

"Well, she's divorced." Sans would feel bad about airing Toriel's dirty laundry so bluntly, but, well. Tori never showed much, if any, regret or remorse about her separation from Asgore. If anything, she might take issue if he didn't mention that. "And she's got a whole gaggle of kids, several of which probably aren't too used to point number one."

Sans finishes his drink off, trying to remember if it's the second or third he's been served. Even if Ivan was rusty with his barkeep conversation, he sure had the bar-part down.

"Anyway, romance isn't something I've got a lot of experience with. Bad jokes, hanging out, I've got all that down. Never really had the occasion to practice my kissing. Not the lip kind, anyway."

[whatdidisay]

Divorced women are a lot of fun, Ivan wants to say. He and Lady Donna had a great time. But then again, Lady Donna never had any children with her -- what was it? Two husbands at this point? He really should see what's going on with her these days when he gets back to Barrayar.

Ivan slides him another drink as Sans continues, happy to help keep this up. He knows what a bartender is supposed to do, dammit. Having learned his lesson from asking about sex, Ivan keeps his mouth shut about how kissing works, although there's the light of skepticism in his eyes.

"If she's the one wanting a relationship," Ivan says as he pours himself another drink, "then why is her being divorced an issue -- she's clearly over it. Except for the kids, I guess, but they're kids. I've heard they're capable of getting over upsets better than adults." He does not Do Children, as a general rule. They're monsters -- resilient little monsters, but awful all the same.

Taking a drink, Ivan frowns, trying to work Sans' problem over in his head. "So the only thing that's stopping you is-- the fact she's divorced and has kids and you don't know how to do the romance thing? I can't help with the first two, but I can help with the last one." Not that Ivan's been big on solid, long lasting relationships. But he knows the steps to get there well enough, thanks. Enough that plenty of women thought he'd be willing to -- ugh -- commit. Permanently. He's twenty five, he can wait to get married until he's much older, thanks. If ever.

[skelepun]

If Ivan saw fit to voice that opinion, Sans would be quick to remind him that just one of them is a monster -- the other two are quite human. And in one case, quite murderous. Also he killed that one. Hence his complication.

But if their conversation so far was anything to go by, an evening drinking with Ivan Vorpatril isn't the place for complication. Sans keeps that particular wrinkle to himself.

"Oh yeah? I didn't know you gave lessons. Whaddya charge?"

[whatdidisay]

"For you," Ivan says with a gesture, "free."

See how nice of a guy he is, Sans?

[skelepun]

A peach.

"Alright." Sans leans back, thumping his hands lightly on the bar. "Lay it on me, slick."

[whatdidisay]

"Well, first -- you gotta make her laugh. Better if it's real laughter, but--"

She laughs, you live. That's how it goes.

[skelepun]

"Oh brother, that's not a problem." Sans snorts. It's hard not to remember how they met -- two lonely people telling bad jokes through a door. "Like I said, we're already best friends. If I couldn't make her laugh, I don't think we'd have gotten that far."

[whatdidisay]

Ivan grins and is almost tempted to clap Sans on the shoulder before he stops, wondering how that's supposed to work.

"Well, okay, then you've got the first step down. What does she like? Bring a gift to the first date -- flowers, if you don't know how to narrow it down."

[skelepun]

"Eh, I dunno if she's a flowers person... her ex is deep into gardening. Like, deep." Considering his biggest problem, parallels between him and Asgore are probably best to avoid.

Wait, is he actually considering this, or just humoring Ivan? Sans honestly isn't sure. Maybe it's the ketchup talking.

"... Snails, maybe. She really likes snails."

[whatdidisay]

Out of all of the answers Ivan was expecting, that... was not it. Ivan blinks. Opens his mouth to say something. Shuts his mouth, considers it, and then coughs to clear his throat.

"Snails? As pets or--"

This is going to be a lot more difficult than he thought it was going to be, damnit.

[skelepun]

"For eating. People eat 'em, y'know." At least, monsters do. Who knows about humans. They use bones to make soup stock, talk about barbaric. Sans hopes he can try some someday.

"I'm beginning to think there might be a bit of a cultural gap here, kid."

[whatdidisay]

"Yeah." Ivan frowns, pausing for a second as he finishes off his drink. "Okay, so tell me. What's romantic where you come from?"

That'll give him a better starting base, Ivan thinks. Something to work with in order to prevent this from being a snail-eating disaster.

[skelepun]

"Wearing clothes." Sans answers decisively. "And secret noodles. At least, that's my bro's idea of romance, and he's a pretty cool guy, so."

Sans can't help chuckling a little, sealing his thrilling cultural illumination with a shrug.

"I'unno, bud. I've never been on a date."

[whatdidisay]

"Secret noodles." Oh god, he's going to have a lot of work set out for him, he can tell that right now. "Okay, well, you want to do something that will foster the feeling you're trying to encourage in the other person. Romance in general, but if you want to get laid, do something that'll encourage closeness. If it's just a date to impress them or to give them a good time, then do something they like."

[skelepun]

The distinction gives Sans pause. Honestly, looking back on all the times they've shared together, there wasn't much difference between that and what Ivan was now classifying as a date.

"Er, that's basically what we already do." With a different name, yes, but still. Sans can't help but feel a little lost. It's not that he doesn't get it, of course. Monsters are as romantically minded as humans. Maybe even moreso, considering all the weird restrictions human culture had a tendency to put on things. Still. Sans never fit that mold very well. "I think we need to shake this up a little."

He took another sip of his drink, finishing the glass. "Seduce me."

[whatdidisay]

Ivan spits out his drink then, spluttering in a most undignified manner.

"I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say 'seduce me'."

[skelepun]

"Did I stutter?" He gestures to himself, the way a model might gesture to a prize ham in a Safeway ad. "You're the one always talking up your grand conquests. Lemme see you in action."

[whatdidisay]

"Yeah but you're--" Not the type he usually seduces. Surely Sans can't be serious.

Good God, what is he supposed to do if he is?

[skelepun]

"Eh, if you're too intimidated, I understand." Sans shrugs, enjoying this a little more than he probably has any right to. "I'm a very fine specimen."

As if to punctuate that statement, Sans wipes some stray ketchup away from his teeth with his sleeve.

[whatdidisay]

Ivan is not Miles, he cannot be baited into stupid things because someone challenged him. But this is about his ability to seduce someone. He winces at the ketchup wipe, sighing deeply.

"You probably couldn't keep a straight face," is his last ditch attempt at a defense.

[skelepun]

"Have you seen me, pal?" Sans swipes his hand down over his face, then back up again. Unlike when human actors do that in the movies, his expression remains unchanging. "Keeping straight faces is all I do."