thisavrou_log | And I've written pages, upon pages...

And I've written pages, upon pages...

Who: Papyrus and Sans
When: March 3
Where: Papyrus's room, because everything's better in an egg bed
What: The brothers are overdue for a difficult talk
Warnings: Mentions of death, will update as needed

Sans's return had been a strange event for both skeletons, and though they'd shuffled more or less back into their old routines, a definite awkwardness still hung in the air between them. Papyrus's cheer seemed more artificial, and even Sans's jokes had a hollowness to them.

It was a comfort to have Sans back, settling in to take Fluffy Bunny on another peek-a-boo adventure in the comfortably droning voice of a doting relative who already knew the story forwards and backwards, but Papyrus couldn't quite get comfortable. Finding Sans's dust had hurt in a way words couldn't describe, Chara's words had bitten deep, and though time and extra shows of optimism were working to close those wounds, even he couldn't completely smooth them over.

"Sans, wait," Papyrus reached out to put his hand over the book, lowering it so he could meet his eyesockets. "Instead of a story, what if we just... hang out before bed? Like 'cool bros'? Or at least, one cool one and one lame one!"

That last part dripped with the same forced lightness he'd been treating everyone with lately.

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The routine they settled into was both immediate and familiar. Papyrus resumed checking the bar for his brother around 10 o'clock each night, Sans would read Papyrus his bedtime stories, and the pair resolutely refused to discuss anything surrounding the week long stretch where Sans simply wasn't there.

Sans was okay with that. Well, except when he wasn't, but he could ignore that while reciting Fluffy Bunny for the millionth time.

Except when he couldn't.

"Huh?" Sans asked, blinking up at his brother and closing the book. Not like he really needed it open to begin with, at this point Sans only bothered turning the pages out of appearances' sake. "Uh, sure, bro. What sort of hangouts did you have in mind?"

"Really? Well..." Papyrus hesitated, unsure how to proceed. He and Sans bantered all the time, but it had been a long time since anything either of them said was very serious. He didn't know how to broach the subject at all. It would have been so easy to just let this continue, uphold the status quo, but if he still felt this bad after this much time had gone by, he couldn't just ignore it anymore. He had to say something, even though he knew Sans probably didn't want him to.

He scooted to the edge of the bed so he could sit up without bonking his skull on the top of it.

"I'm afraid my proper hangout clothes are in the wash, but that's okay, since we're friends already! So... what if we just sat here and talked?"

This entire evening was edging out of Sans' already tenuous control. If he were a more proactive man about his avoidance, maybe he would change the subject. But the heaviness on his brother's shoulders hasn't gone unnoticed -- if anything, Papyrus being the one to bring it up first sends an uncomfortable spike of guilt through Sans' chest.

"Heh, I'm cool with that." Idly, Sans wonders if he sounds as apprehensive as he feels. "You wanna hear a joke?"

"Saaans..." It came out almost as a whine. Papyrus knew him well enough to know his many, many avoidance tactics and how he liked to use them, and as much as he secretly enjoyed the terrible jokes, this didn't seem like the right time for them.

Oh, well. He could always complain loudly and then steer them back on topic if it came to that. He sighed heavily and tilted his skull back in place of an eyeroll, putting on a dramatic display of tolerance, and glanced back at Sans.

"Oh, very well! If you must."

Sans gets as far as gearing up for the opener before deflating again, flopping back against the bed with a sigh.

Was he this tired before?

"I'll be honest, I got nothing."

Papyrus still waits for a beat or two, sure that Sans is going to drop something ridiculous in there at the last minute. He has a whole act at Mettaton's resort, he has that comedian's timing thing down pat.

But the joke never comes, and Papyrus finally breaks the unpleasant silence between them.

"What did the skeleton say to his brother?"

He was never going to be the jokester of the family, but he could certainly try.

Rarity breeds value, whether the quality was there or not. Sans leans up a bit, clearly more than a little intrigued at the prospect of his brother, of all people, sharing a joke with him.

"I dunno, pal, what did the skeleton say to his brother?"

"He said... I can see right through you!" He couldn't help nyeh-hehing a little at his own crappy joke, though the moment doesn't last long. He draws his knees to his chest and sighs by literally saying the word aloud. "But really, Sans. A lot has happened."

And he doesn't know what to do or think about a lot of it.

Ah. A classic. Sans chuckles right alongside his brother, trying to ignore how subdued they both sound.

"Maybe because his heart wasn't in it." He manages, punctuated by a few lingering wisps of laughter. A lot has happened. That's putting it mildly.

"... I know it has, Pap. February just wasn't our month."

I wanted to talk to you about it, he wants to say, but after we blew it the first time it just seemed too hard to bring up. I'm terrified.

Instead, he says: "You've been smiling again. I didn't want to wreck that."

Edited 2016-03-06 06:54 (UTC)

"Yes, well..." I don't think I've meant it as much lately. "...I'd always rather be smiling, it's a very pleasant expression that helps others relax too, but things are a lot more... complicated than they used to be!"

He doesn't want to be the one to broach the subject first. He has a lot of tangled up feelings about the things he's seen and heard, and though it's been awhile, Sans is still the person he turns to when things upset him or don't make sense.

"Heh, you said it, bro."

The silence reigns a bit longer, seemingly echoing off the roof of Papyrus' egg bed. He frowns up at it, wondering if his brother would forgive him for falling asleep. Probably not for a few days, at least. As tempting as escaping this is, Sans holds his ground.

Or in this case, Pap's mattress.

"... I guess I never asked how it was for you." Sans admits, quietly, without looking at much of anything, certainly not his brother. "Asked a lot of other people how you did, but never you. Heh."

That sounds about right. Sans would definitely choose the roundabout way of checking up on him, and after his little moment on the network, he'd probably had tons of other people to speak to.

"That's all right!" He tries to sound cheerful, but even he can tell the attempt fell flat. He soldiers on, because at least they're finally sort of talking now. "A lot of people checked in or helped out, so I didn't have to..."

His fingers twiddle aimlessly with a quiet clack clack that fills the silence.

"Did they tell you I was the one... I was dropping by to see if you were ready for bed, you see, and... I guess the human got there first."

Yes. They had. And yet, somehow, hearing Papyrus say it runs the fact through Sans' breastbone as if it were completely fresh.

He tugs his hoodie up, pulling it over his eyes. So much for pretense. Dignity became a low priority the moment they began engaging like this.

"Fuck, Pap..."

Edited 2016-03-06 07:34 (UTC)

"Language," Papyrus automatically responds without much conviction. They might be grownups who know all the swears now, but he'd like to believe they're both skeletons with standards. At any other time, Sans might have gotten a brief lecture for dropping the Big F just like that, but there are more important matters at hand.

He makes himself keep talking. Sans had asked, and even if it hurts, he wants to get it all out. It's the only thing he can think of that'll make it not hurt indefinitely.

"It was difficult," he admits. Still twiddling. "I tried very hard to take care of it, really I did! But in the end... I didn't know what to do with your... with the the dust, especially since there's no Grillby's here to sprinkle it on. I shook it out into a bag, and I threw the bag away, and then I washed all of your clothes and set them aside for when you came back."

Papyrus curled in on himself, hugging himself a little tighter, trying to make himself smaller.

"I should have done better. I failed you, brother. I'm sorry."

Edited 2016-03-06 07:52 (UTC)

It's weird, listening first hand to an account of your funeral from a loved one. Not a very good funeral, by monster standards. Throwing the dust into the trash isn't necessarily customary, but Sans certainly didn't mind that part. The trash was a fitting place for him. What sort of asshole makes his brother pull a face like the one Papyrus is making right now?

An asshole who belongs in the trash, that's who.

"Tch, Papyrus, c'mon." He urges, forcing himself to come out of the guilty cloud he briefly disappeared into. "Don't ever say that. You're the great Papyrus, for fuh..dge's sake! Nothing you could ever do or say could ever fail me or disappoint me or any of that."

He pulled his hood back, trying to find Papyrus' eye sockets in the dim light.

"Are you hearing me, bro? You could never be anything but great, not to me. Not ever. Capiche?"

Papyrus turned his skull slightly, meeting Sans's eyes for a brief moment before looking back down. "But I couldn't change the human's mind. I did try, but they only... well, you heard about it!"

And then Sans knocked them down, which still upsets him, but he can deal. He acted in defense, not because he liked the violence. He can accept that.

"I even tried to talk to them again, after everything. I just don't understand why they hurt so much!"

Or why they have to express it by hurting others.

Edited 2016-03-06 08:17 (UTC)

It's hard not to zero in on that last part, worry spiking in Sans' chest. He hides it, but not particularly well.

"You talked to them? Where? When?"

Not well at all. Papyrus only lifts his shoulders in a vague shrug. "You weren't here, and they went back into the hold because of it. I thought I'd pay them a visit."

Even now, he isn't sure why he did that. Sans had been dead, he knew it was the kid's fault, and he still went. He couldn't explain his actions now if he tried.

For a moment, anger burned fresh in Sans' bones. It's all too clear from his brother's body language what Chara did with that visit. Papyrus wore his heart on his sleeve. It's a quality Sans adores and admires, but it's impossible to ignore the risk there.

Papyrus is special, of course. His belief in the goodness of others isn't so easily rattled. He's strong like that. Cool, in a way Sans can only aspire to.

To see even his brother laid low... it's enough to make Sans' eye flash an unpleasant blue.

"Whatever they said, it's not true."

Edited 2016-03-06 08:39 (UTC)

self centered, spoiled, useless skeleton

Papyrus isn't a fan of that blueish spark in his brother's eye, and he glances the other way. It's the sort of thing that made him feel like nothing but bad times lay ahead, and he's tired of violence.

"It's okay! All I did was talk to them!"

they pity you, and you should hear what they say when you're not there

"It wasn't the most enlightening conversation. Like I said..."

You know what they do to boring little monsters like that? They'll kill you.

"Great or not, I, Papyrus, was unable to get through to them."

They'll kill you, and Sans, and Asriel, and any other monster that comes on this ship.

He stays huddled up, trying to let that memory wash over him and away. It's hard to fully let go of it, but he can't bring himself to believe that everyone here feels that way. He hadn't seen that level of violence in many, and even some of the ones he knew might have hurt others in the past turned out to be pretty cool when he stopped to talk to them.

After a moment, he loosenes his hold on his knees and turns more toward Sans.

"Do you think... is it possible the people on this ship don't like us very much?"

Edited 2016-03-06 09:01 (UTC)

The defeat in his brother's voice is enough to make Sans' bones rattle with emotions he doesn't care to place or name. If he did, they might take root for good, weighing him down with all the anger he was working so hard to set aside.

Working hard. Man, Papyrus would be so proud, if Sans could only bear to explain himself.

The last question jerks Sans out of his personal mire, blinking up at Papyrus with fresh apprehension.

"Huh? Why would you ask that?" Stupid question. "I mean, a lot of them definitely do. There's Rosethorn and Lara and Tobi and Pepper..."

Sans stops, thinking up a few more names. J, for all she was coming around, certainly didn't like them at first. Fenris, and how the man's lip curled when he found out what Sans was made of. And, of course, Chara themselves.

No matter how far away they got from the humanity that murdered and imprisoned them, sometimes the Moira could feel remarkably like home. Unfortunately.

Running his hand over his glabella, Sans' ribs rise and fall. He put off talking about this with Papyrus for too long. Maybe, deep down, he hoped he'd never have to.

Edited 2016-03-06 09:36 (UTC)

"Pap, sometimes, when people see people different from them it freaks 'em out. I mean, to humans, we're... death, or scary movies, or nightmares. They have all these ideas of what a monster is and what a monster wants to do to them, y'know? Like we're gonna eat them or steal their kids or whatever."

You could find a lot of things in Waterfall. All the ways in which monsters came to be represented on the surface were no secret. Books, drawings, movies -- places where monsters were nothing more than cruel obstacles for the brave human heroes to kill and overcome.

Sans never showed those ones to Papyrus.

"They just don't know what the truth is, bro. They don't get that we're not like that. And I guess it's kind of on us to show 'em, but... y'know, it's okay if you're tired or just don't want to some days. It's not your job to make everybody like you, especially when they don't like you for a dumb reason."

Sans was sitting up straighter now, one arm looped lazily around his little brother's shoulders.

"'Sides, I know this for sure, Pap. If anyone doesn't like you, it's 'cuz they don't know you yet." His smile grew by a few degrees, buoyed by what Sans saw as universal truth. "You're amazing, man. Coolest person in the world. If they can't see that, they're either blind or stupid and definitely not worth your time."

Edited 2016-03-06 09:40 (UTC)

Sans is bringing up names and points that Papyrus himself thought of or tried to use against Chara's argument already, but it's still comforting to hear from the mouth of someone he trusts. He's tried hard to be his regular self, to act normal, to push the worry and fear down and away, but it's a lot easier with someone who's always in his corner. Sans might not be the most motivated or truthful at times, but he's family, and Papyrus trusts him.

He's quiet for once, mulling all of this over. The mentality Sans is explaining really doesn't make a lot of sense to him; who wouldn't want to make friends with others even if they look different? People in the underground came in all shapes and sizes, and he thought they were all neat in their own way. But sometimes people did stare at or recoil from him, and Zam had graphically illustrated the relationship between humans and skeletons for him once already. So there was definitely something to the idea of being seen as, well, monstrous and dangerous.

Humans sure were confusing sometimes.

Even as Sans went on about being tired or not wanting to make people like him, Papyrus was considering his options. Now that he had some perspective and didn't feel so scared or alone, he could see the situation for what it was. People here did like him, and they liked Asriel and Sans too. Chara was the only notable exception. He still didn't know what would make that kid change their mind, but he wouldn't let himself be scared off or discouraged -- there was caring and kindness in them, he was sure of it.

He'd learned his lesson and didn't intend to throw himself recklessly into their path anymore, but he wasn't about to quit.

By the time Sans finished his little talk, Papyrus had slung an arm around his shoulders and was grinning like old times. "What an astute observation! You're right, of course; I am very great and I have a lot to offer!" He tightened his hold for just a moment into a squeeze. "And together, we can overcome anything!"

The hug is nice and welcome, smoothing away whatever lingering worry hung to Sans' bones like ice. His brother was uniquely suited to that, easing away his anxiety and leaving him somehow... lighter than before. It isn't just him Papyrus has that effect on too, Sans knows.

Absently, Sans wonders how on earth anyone could ever want to hurt him. It just doesn't make sense. In no universe or timeline could Sans forgive it.

Of course, Sans had hurt him. Recently. He saw it in his eyes as the crew cast their votes on his fate, and again when he left Papyrus all alone.

"Y'know, bro, I... never apologized. For, like, losing my mind n' everything."

There was only a moment of hesitation on Papyrus's part. Of course, it had been... bad. He didn't like to think of his brother acting like that, or the extremes it must have taken to get him to that point.

But this sort of talk was rare with them, and now Papyrus was remembering why. He was almost as worn out from this conversation as he had been from trying to keep his mind off Sans's absence in the first place. He didn't really want to keep having it, especially not when it seemed like they were only wandering into more and more uncomfortable territory, so he kept his sunny smile in place.

He had his responsibilities to his brother, after all, and he took them seriously.

"Nonsense! You were trying to do the right thing, and it's all behind us now!"

So please, can we go back to the way things were?

For the barest few seconds, Sans almost wants to push it. To talk about it. It would be good, he thinks, for both of them?

Or maybe just himself. It's hard to say. And it's equally hard to miss the unspoken pleading in his little brother's tone.

Yeah, bro, of course we can.

"Heh, yeah, you said it, Pap. Wanna reorient this runaway hangout train back on F. Bunz, esquire?"

He waggles the book for emphasis.

Papyrus was bouncing a bit in anticipation before Sans had even lifted the book. Fluffy Bunny had always been his favorite, and he was definitely ready to shift back to the comfortable and familiar. He squirmed under the covers again, pulling them up to his chin.

"Absolutely! And don't forget to do the voices!"

Between them, Sans and Papyrus were never very good at this kind of thing. Talking. Sure, they talked all the time -- or, more accurately, Papyrus shouted and Sans nodded. They were what anyone could call close.

Except for all the things that went unsaid, and now continued to go unsaid. But... it was a start. A hitching, halting, ultimately short-lived start, but a start.

"Heh, you got it bro."

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And I've written pages, upon pages...

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ending point here i think??