thisavrou_log | [ miles catch-all: one-way train to crazy town ]

"I didn't know," Miles says desperately, looking up at Ivan with sheer devastation. Ivan's hands on his shoulders are grounding him, sure, but only in the physical sense. A damn good thing, too, with how he's shaking. God, he's tired. "I didn't know, Ivan, if I did I never would've -- "

There's a moment's delay before he registers the pinch of the tranquilizer dart. A startled look crosses his face and his hand flies up to his neck to jerk out the dart, but it's too late. "Son of a bitch," Miles starts, sounding shaken, and then shudders and goes limp against Ivan.

"Damn it," Elizabeth mutters-- she missed, she got his neck. Probably from the shaking, or she's out of practice but either way that could have hit something important. Even Ivan giving her the thumbs up doesn't make it alright because the last thing Miles said had cut right through her. Maybe it was her casting her own opinions on the situation over those words, but he sounded like he'd just realized he'd been betrayed.

"Damn it," she says again, dropping her forehead onto the top of the shelf (and getting a smudge for her trouble). "Damn it, damn it, fucking hell, son of a bitch," she hisses to herself before pushing herself back up and starting to climb down the shelf-- "Son of a goddamn hooker's deadbeat mother with both hands tied behind her back!"

Sometimes, it makes her feel better to swear how she imagines Booker might have.

"I wasn't aiming for his head, Ivan, I swear I wasn't--" she says once she's back on the floor. Her entire front is covered in dust from dragging herself.

Ivan's eyebrows climb upwards at the very creative cursing as he catches Miles, easily shuffling him to one arm before slinging him over his shoulder. Miles is light at the best of times, but now he just feels nearly weightless. Not, Ivan reflects, a good sign. At least he's out, and without one of his weird reactions to a sedative.

He possibly should have mentioned that to Elizabeth earlier.

Not caring about the dust, Ivan drags her into a one-armed hug, pressing his lips against the top of her head in reassurance. "It's fine, he's fine. Good God, Elizabeth, you did him a favor." Since Miles Vorkosigan is in desperate need of a good night's sleep as well. "I'm sorry for him, and the shock he gave you. We grew up with Elena, before she, well-- decided to get away from Barrayar. As far as she possibly could."

It worked, too, joining Miles' mercenaries. Especially since no one could connect the two officially or unofficially.

"I try not to think of it as a 'favor' when I shoot somebody." She huffs a sigh but leans into him nonetheless. It feels like she's run a marathon in three minutes, her adrenaline crash is so intense.

"You don't have to apologize-- unless you have something to do with whatever's going on with him." Which she highly doubts. What could Ivan have done to make Miles so completely detached from reality? "I suppose I should feel flattered that he saw me as someone close-- or someone with the same first two letters of my name-- but I really just want to know what's wrong."

"Well, no," Ivan admits, "but it's just like stunning someone -- he'll wake up with a killer headache and no harm done." He's military, although people tend to forget that. While he's never personally had to take someone's life, Ops and his biyearly course with ImpSec makes sure he knows how, when it comes down to the line. But Ivan's more than happy to leave that to Miles. Which brings them back to Elizabeth's question.

"He tried proposing to her, but she turned him down and went and married a deserter," he adds helpfully, as if that was supposed to be comforting. Ivan weighs security -- well, his cousin seems bent on sending that all straight to hell anyway, what's the harm in telling Elizabeth it if it'll put her at ease. "I don't know what's wrong." That much is true. "Not really, because the last time this sort of thing happened, he was able to keep everything straight even though it was driving him up the wall. Uh, before his clone kidnapped him and switched places." Shifting Miles into a better grip, Ivan attempts to give her his best reassuring smile. "My cousin's day job isn't an ImpSec courier, Elizabeth, he runs a Covert Ops. But he doesn't do it as Miles Vorkosigan, he does it as Admiral Miles Naismith with an entire fleet of irregulars who have no idea he's Barrayaran."

Oh yes, wake up with a killer headache and the knowledge that it was probably Elizabeth who did it. Yes, that's definitely okay. Elizabeth doesn't like it, but Ivan has a point whether she likes it or not-- she didn't actually kill him.

It doesn't make Elizabeth feel any better to know that Miles had mistaken her for someone he cared very deeply for-- it just brought back extremely uncomfortable memories of that talk they'd had at the meeting place for arguably the worst and quickest date Elizabeth had ever experienced. It just reminded her that Miles thought she would have turned him down, and maybe, somewhere, he still thinks that despite everything she'd said. Or maybe it was just an unfortunate coincidence. Right now, she's hoping for unfortunate coincidence with every scrap of her shredded feelings.

"Well maybe we should get the Admiral to his bed?" Elizabeth suggests, trying in vain to brush herself off. "You keep holding him upside-down like that for long and he really will die, covert operative or no."

Given all of his rambling, Elizabeth had guessed that there was more going on than Miles immediately presented. Not that they'd spent a lot of time talking about Miles' job back home... but she didn't spend a lot of time talking about her secrets either.

"Come on, I'll go with you, I don't think I can just keep working like nothing happened anyway."

"I'm sure he'd find a way back," he grouses, sighing slightly. Because it's Miles Vorkosigan, really. But he sees her point, and nods. "Alright," before leading them both out of the library.

And, like usual, Ivan feels like he needs to apologize for his cousin. "Sorry about him, Elizabeth. He's never been this bad before and I've no idea what set him off. He said it might be missing memories, that it should be fixed by now."

It clearly isn't, and now Ivan doesn't know what to do. That stuff is left to Miles and not him, dammit.

"Missing memories?" Elizabeth repeats, following Ivan out of the library, locking the door behind them, and proceeding towards the Nomo deck. She needs a shower and a new uniform now anyway. "I didn't know he was missing memories..."

"I only knew of one -- something to do with one of his commanding officers and a mutiny charge he wrangled his way out from under. It landed him in Imperial Security, which is where he is now. Good thing too, because the only two people capable of putting up with him on Barrayar are the two he answers to now." Simon Illyan and Gregor Vorbarra. He supposes Uncle Aral and Aunt Cordelia fit into that list, too, but they don't have to deal with him professionally.

And also: the entire Vorkosigan line and the various attached individuals they seem to round up are all frigging insane.

Ivan offers Elizabeth an attempt at a reassuring smile. "It's not your fault, I don't think he was particularly forthcoming with it. Hell, he didn't even want to tell Gregor." Which, in Ivan's esteemed opinion, was a giant fucking mistake. Surprising Gregor was about the worst thing an individual could possibly do at any point in time, especially when it's something like this. What was it? Easy-going for an Emperor?

No, Gregor was just very quiet. Which isn't the same thing at all.

"I know, I know. It's ridiculous for me to feel this way about this, I know it is, I just... can't imagine he's going to be too pleased about my shooting him." Elizabeth says with a sigh, reaching out to take Ivan's free hand as they walk to the Nomo deck. "He should bring this up with Curre, maybe. Not that he will if you just tell him to, probably, but if he has another episode like this I think we have to do it for him."

"I think he'll understand, even if he is put out. Don't worry, Elizabeth, it'll be fine." Ivan hopes. If not, Miles will have to deal with him if he thinks he's going to be an ass about it. Easy to direct his ire onto idiot Ivan, he knows. "I'll encourage him to do so, but I'm not sure he will. I've never been able to get him to do anything sensible, not once."

He squeezes her hand reassuringly, however, because it's the one thing he can do at the moment.

"Maybe I could, if I start crying," she says with a wry smirk. Most people reacted immediately when she 'started crying', and she's not at all above shedding a few tears to give someone a gentle nudge. Especially when it's this important.

She squeezes Ivan's hand back. "Once we put him in bed, maybe we can read for a little bit...?"

Just to calm her down, stop her heart from beating quite so hard.

Ivan laughs at that, looking horrified. "That's playing dirty, Elizabeth. But it'd probably be wildly successful -- I know it'd work on me." Women crying at him were the worst, and most of the time his default response was to run away. He's sure Miles doesn't have that kneejerk response, though.

That sounds really nice, actually, and Ivan nods. "You haven't seen my new place, have you? We can go to your room or mine, but that sounds great." He grins, a bit wider this time. "Find anything new and exciting?"

She has good taste, he trusts her book choices over his. Mostly because he doesn't really have any.

"I tranquilized a guard in the back while he was mooning over you, Ivan. I've never gotten anywhere playing by the rules," she grins and gives his hand a little playful shake. "But I promise I will not cry in front of you unless I actually have to cry. How about that?"

She's already left out enough information about her life, manipulating him would be just about her breaking point anyway.

"Yes, actually-- how about we break in my fireplace, get some mugs of hot chocolate, and we can read The Scarlet Pimpernel?"

"That'll do just fine, and also not something I want you to do." Cry, that is. As for the rest of her plan -- "Sounds perfect. Just let me," he gestures at the Vorkabin door, palming it open and not finding Gregor inside. Ah well, he'll fill him in later.

Ivan actually tucks Miles in before deciding that he's accomplished his cousinly duty, and turns a full smile on Elizabeth after. "Alright. One troublesome Admiral deposited -- lead on, Elizabeth."

[ miles catch-all: one-way train to crazy town ]

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