thisavrou_log | the minor fall and the major lift.

the minor fall and the major lift.

Who: Solas and Cole
When: When Cole arrives
Where: Elf House™
What: Solas gets to see Cole for the first time in a long time
Warnings: N/A currently!

[ The house, more often than not, is deathly quiet when Neriel is not present; Solas sits in his room and paints and draws and he allows himself a moment of reflection, a moment to let himself breathe and work through all the things going on in his mind. It's not the easiest thing in the world, not when he has the fate of Thedas - or, rather, the threat of it - resting on his own shoulders, and he is doing what he can to push through it and try to figure out a means to leave Savrou and return to the world he recognises. The Fade waits for no one, not in the way he wants it, and he knows he has to get back.

He has to return. He has to be there, and no one has the power to stop him for too long.

The door opens and he puts his paper and charcoal to one side - there are 'pencils' here but he still doesn't like the feel of them too much - before he pushes himself to his feet, opening his bedroom door and stepping out prepared to greet his housemate with the best kind of smile that he can manage.

But it's not Neriel, and something catches in his throat, his eyes widening just a little. ]

... Cole.

[ He's not sure if this is a dream come true or a nightmare come to life, especially given what he did to the boy the last time they were near one another. Staring, he swallows, crossing his arms behind his back. ]

When did you get here?

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[Cole isn't quite to the point of physical affection, not expressing it. But he rushes over to Solas, presses in close to him because he knows he wants to be near him because seeing him is sunshine bright on his thoughts and a whistled tune in the air.

His hands flutter at his sides and the barest smile turns up the corners of his mouth. If Solas is here, that means Solas knows what is going on. If Solas is here, he can explain things to Cole in a way he can understand. The shape of Solas's words always made sense.
That Inquisitor had tried, and he had brought Cole out of his panic, but he wasn't an Inquisitor that Cole knew. Solas felt exactly the same as he always had.

He told me he would bring me to you. That you were here. It is so good to see you.

[ Solas is utterly overwhelmed as he looks at Cole - he's not entirely sure how to handle himself, and there's a mixture of panic and warmth inside him that he battles with, just for a moment. He's not sure what to do, but eventually his genuine love and concern for Cole wins over his own self-loathing and uncertainty and he reaches back, letting himself be held close and giving himself over to the young man, his heart heavy in his chest.

He wonders if this is his Cole or Neriel's or even this elusive Nasrin's, some stranger's spirit that takes the shape of someone he had known so well. He's not sure if he's entirely prepared for the answer. ]

It's good to see you, too.

[ Careful, he lifts a hand to place it on top of Cole's head, gentle and soft. ]

He kept his promise, I see. Do you recognise him, Cole?

No. He shares notes, but the songs are not the same. And she was a human, and a noble, and carried a very large sword.

Clytaemnestra Trevelyan [he says it with the imitation of a haughty Free Marcher's accent, each syllable crisp.]

[But then he realizes. If Solas is asking him this, is this actually his Solas? He listens carefully... Solas is always so hard to hear, especially now that his own song is louder, but there are subtle differences, yes, much less than that between the Inquisitor he just met and the one he knew. Not enough to cause distrust. Yet. Not when he's so overwhelmed with the happiness of being near him. The little bells are still ringing so pure in his chest.]

[His voice takes on that of a child who has discovered something quite revolutionary, indeed, he clearly hopes Solas will confirm his suspicions:]

Inquisitors must be a type of spirit. That's how more than one exists.

Edited 2017-06-02 23:04 (UTC)

Then it seems we all know different people. The Inquisitor I knew was no human.

[ Not a Trevelyan. It's strange to think that there are so many worlds and so many versions, and Solas has had time enough to ponder what it means and consider it all. The fact that he now knows two Lavellans and has complicated, twisted feelings about them both does nothing to help the situation. ]

The woman I knew was Sahlin Lavellan. She was a mage.

[ And he had loved her, too. He tries his best not to think about that for too long, fearful of what Cole might pick up and say, what Cole might hear - if only because it's a risk he is unwilling to take. He is bared enough to this wonderful boy and he does not want to be back in the position where he has to take it all away again. It hurt enough the first time.

Still, Cole's words make him pause and he considers, for a moment. ]

They certainly have indomitable spirits. Perhaps there is more to them than meets the eye.

[The conversation doesn't seem important anymore. His curiosity is running away with the fact that there was yet another Inquisitor, and this time, another Solas. Not only were the two different... there is something else... something he can't catch.

Cole tips his head to the side, trying to grasp the whispers that scurry from him. He wonders briefly what the other Cole must be like, because surely there is one, and did he wear the same hat? But the thought is lost as soon as it arrives, because the more he listens to the near-silence of Solas, the more that near-silence fills him up. He's just about to catch the words clearly— no! They muffle as they retreat quickly away from him into the quiet.

The dance in his hands ends abruptly as they ball into tight fists. He pulls away from Solas until there is a few feet of space between them, each inch absolutely necessary to the process of understanding. It comes to him abruptly that Neriel had been nowhere near as quiet, and even though Solas was always softer, he never ran from him.]

There is something you will do... did. It's frightened of me, this new hurt, and being near me only makes it faster.

[He pauses just for a second, a doubt forming:]

Did I do something?

Edited (why big space at bottom) 2017-06-03 00:57 (UTC)

[ Solas knows Cole. He recognises him and understands him on a level that he doesn't think that other people might be able to reach nor understand - he knows him and adores him, and loved him for his strength and his heart and his mind. He wants him to understand that, but he's not sure of the words, not sure of the things he ought to do nor say.

There's a deliberate attempt on his part, however, to lock his mind away from Cole's and keep his thoughts as protected as possible. He doesn't want Cole to dig and see the depths of his thoughts, to see memories of Sahlin, his emotions, the confusion he feels about Neriel, his own anger and despair about Thedas itself... He cannot let Cole see it and try to fix him, to try and make his mind feel at ease.

There are some things that not even Cole can heal, and it's a difficult lesson for him to learn. ]

No. You have done nothing wrong, Cole. The fault is mine and no one else's.

[ Solas breathes out, tilting his head down as he considers the next words he says. He can't lose Cole when he has just got here. ]

The burden is mine to bear. You know this.

[The love he feels is so great it makes his heart feel too big and too wild for his chest. It wants to escape! It wants to tell Solas he is wrong, that there is no hurt he needs carry alone! It wants Solas to know that he is more than his sorrow. It almost manages to make the words come out of his mouth, but they get caught behind his lips.

This he understands now: that healing isn't what Solas will accept, and that his song is something Solas no longer wishes to share.

Who told him that to be human was to no longer hear the music, anyway? Maybe it was something he told himself as every song grew quieter. There had to be something they knew in the silence, because Cole had seen them help each other in ways even he could not.

He is quiet now, just managing not to shake from the intensity of what Solas is trying to tell him. The others always misunderstood, thought they were speaking in half-truths and masks when they were just speaking without their voices.

Finally, he manages to get something out.]

Why would you teach me this?

[ Solas is made and borne of his sorrow and he lives and breathes it because he has no other option. He has no choice but to carry these burdens alone - and he doesn't care about himself nor his future, because he knows that it is nonexistent. He cannot let Cole reach out and touch the darkness inside of him because he loves Cole far too much to allow it.

It's not right nor is it fair, he thinks. He loves Cole with a depth that surprises him, but he cannot keep him, nor allow him to be what he was always meant to be.

It's impossible to discuss, impossible to explain, and he finds it difficult to put into words. Cole can see parts of him that no one else will ever be able to witness, and he feels it ache inside him. He had given his all to educate and teach this boy, this wondrous spirit, and he was going to lose it all.

They understand one another, but there are some things he cannot let Cole near, cannot let his gentle, loving hands touch. ]

Because you deserved the chance to learn. Is that not enough?

I... Yes. It is.

[The grip of emotion finally passes, the release causing him to loudly exhale. Yes, he understands now. But does he accept it? The question feels like people inside of him all wanting different things. One cries desperately that Solas needs to let him in. The other responds quietly that this too is healing. Yes. Compassion as acceptance. It isn't something Cole-the-spirit would be able to grasp, its complexity would have gone beyond his black-and-white world.

But Cole isn't a spirit anymore. Not really.

There is nothing further there to discuss, and with the grace of someone so lacking in artifice, Cole flows on to another topic without pause. He wanders away, curious about the house. He picks things up, examines them, puts them back into place, each one as carefully regarded as the next.]

You are making this into a home.

[It's stated. He doesn't mean that Solas is trying to, or intends to, or that he's doing it by accident. It's happening, it's in the lingering smiles that ghost on the kitchen table and the smudges of charcoal on Solas's hands.]

[ Solas moves away to give Cole room to explore, stepping back and turning his head to examine the house. Most of it is what Neriel has decided to do, he thinks, as he has spent most of his time in his room decorating those parts with arts and tapestries that he cannot bear to consider despite it being his own design, but at the same time...

It's not home. Solas doesn't have a home anymore, not with the loss of his People and the destruction of his world thanks to the Veil. He wants to remake it, rebuild it, but he will never get the chance to see it. He will not live to see the world be reborn, and he's not sure if he's glad for it or devastated by the knowledge.

He remembers what it once was, and he misses it, desperately. ]

I am doing what I can, since there is no escape.

[ He moves towards his room and hovers, for a moment. It's not quite an invitation, but he nods all the same, pressing the door open. ]

You are free to come and make yourself comfortable, Cole. What is mine is now yours, too.

[Cole hesitates when he reaches the open door. He leans his head in, turning it all angles to look at what lay inside. The damp spots on his cheeks makes him realize that tears have come to his eyes, and he brings his fingers up to wipe them, curious, not ashamed.

Many doors may be shut in Solas's heart, but now... it didn't seem to matter as much. Sorrows were laid bare in every streak of paint and whisp of charcoal. It overwhelms him, leaves him hanging in the threshold while it all washes over him in waves. Everything is there. Why had he never seen it at Skyhold?]

A lone howl mourns in the dark. It frightens them, they don't recognize it any more. Set the traps. But he is their brother.

Yes. I will stay.

[ Artistry decorates the room in all corners - memories of Thedas, of Sahlin Lavellan, heroics and dangers and balls and the mirrors that they had seen and heard and wondered about. It's a artistic depiction of all their times in Thedas, and it shows just how much Solas misses it despite what he says and what he might say.

They're reminders of all that he had lost, all that he was giving up, and all that would die with the destruction of the Veil. It is a constant reminder of his guilt and his pain and he has to force himself to turn his head back to Cole, to offer him a soft, gentle smile even as he starts to tidy his things away. ]

Yes, I suppose he is.

[ As if he's unaware of who Solas speaks about. ]

You may share my room if you wish.

[He skims his fingers over the walls, following the grandiosity of their mutual story in Thedas with touch as well as by sight. But he does notice a main difference. When he recalls the Inquisitor he knows, she is tall, golden, radiant with faith. But in Solas's murals— it is still a woman— but as he was told, she is a mage, and much smaller (pointier!), though judging from how she is depicted, no less noble. He leans in, trying to discern the careful details of her face as if she were before him instead of just rendered. Everything seems to revolve around her...

He looks over his shoulder at Solas, head tipped up so their eyes can meet. He knows Solas sees him, and he doesn't feel like his question needs to be voiced.]

[ There's no need for him to be asked, and Solas is aware of it. He turns his attention to the murals, depictions of Sahlin Lavellan in the grandeur that she deserves, captured in the best form Solas can as if it would be possible to put her beauty to paint. It's not, of course, and he feels overwhelmed by his own attempts, but he does what he can. His memories of her will never fade and her face is still present in his mind even as he tries to find the right words to speak. ]

Sahlin Lavellan. She was from the Dalish clans and became Inquisitor in the same way yours did, I would think. She was... A wise and gentle woman, and far more than Thedas had any right to deserve.

[ And he had loved her, and it sings in his heart even if his voice is kept clear and soft. ]

[It was like being shown a fragile blossom pushing through the frost. Cole doesn't want to bruise the petals, so he doesn't push farther. He doesn't need to. Instead he lets himself drift back to his own memories, wants to share them with Solas so they can understand each other on this too.]

Wise, yes, not gentle. Blood drips down her chin, white turns red.

You and my Inquisitor were very near each other [thought not like that.] You saw the crest of a sword aflame and felt the reality it promised, but it was never drawn against you.

[He turns to look at Solas, anxiously twisting his fingers into the dirty patchwork of his shirt.]

All of that is gone here. Even if I hadn't become more real, I couldn't slip back through.

[ Solas has never made a secret of his love and affection for Sahlin and never hidden it from Neriel - and he does not hide it from Cole, either. He knows it is a part of him, as clear on his face as it must be in his heart and in his mind. His attention goes back to Cole, and he pauses, trying to find his breath. ]

No. I imagine it wasn't. It seems most Inquisitors find themselves on good terms with me, no matter who they are. I must be lucky.

[ But, still... Became more real. This is a Cole that became more human, and he's not entirely sure how to manage that so, instead, he locks it away in his mind to be considered later. Reaching out, he tugs Cole's hands apart, keeping them from their idle twisting. ]

We will make our own place here. It will be difficult, but we can manage.

[Touch never had meaning to him before. The input is still... strange... and sometimes escapes his notice if his mind is busy elsewhere. But he knows it is good and something to like, because when Solas does it, the wings-beating-against-the-bars-of-the-cage stop and settle down. His hands go lax. There is a word, or, or a concept for what Solas is to him, and it only shows itself in a garden carefully tended or a nest, tucked away and guarded.

Cole gets distracted by comparing their hands in size, shape, and feel, laying his fingers alonside Solas's, looking at the contrast. His are much bigger, and rougher, and dirtier even though Solas was the one just wrist deep in charcoal. His seem to have a layer of grime that can't be scrubbed away.

Eventually, he remembers they were having a conversation.]

If we make a new place, will we also be new shapes?

[ Solas allows it because he wants nothing else; there is a deep and wonderful connection that he shares with Cole that no one else can ever breach, and reaching out to touch this boy is enough to anchor him for now. It's grounding, and his features are soft and calm as he bows his head, closing his eyes and giving himself a moment to relax, to breathe in and come down from the rush of memories and the strength of his heart feeling too thick and heavy in his chest.

Solas is lithe and soft and gentle and borne of a world where he had little work other than reading and studying. Cole is a fighter, strong and brave behind the careful workings of his mind, someone that wants to help and sees and breathes the darkness that settles inside him. Solas bows his head, closing his eyes, wondering what he did to deserve to have this marvellous spirit in his life, how he could possibly earn the affection Cole has for him.

It's hard to speak, but he manages all the same. ]

Perhaps. But that is for us to decide as time goes, is it not? As long as you are comfortable here.

[He imagines he is placing light in both of Solas's hands. Not just any light, but little wisps of flame from the gentle fire in his chest. He curls Solas's fingers up tight for him. He wants to be sure he keeps it. If he carries this with him, it might just show the way through the dark.

Cole releases him and steps away, drawn to the cobwebby corner farthest from the door. He sits down, back pressed tight into the junction of walls, and seems quite pleased with his choice. Right here, the space feels blank, waiting for just the right person to fill it. Since he is a person now (or close enough, anyway!) he decides that just might be him.]

It is quite strange here. I don't understand how this place works. It isn't the Fade, but things happen that makes me doubt that. What does it tell you?

I don't listen as often as I should. It's harder when there isn't a Fade for me to reach for or Dreams for me to walk.

[ He goes to sit in the chair by the desk, turning it around so that he can watch Cole. It's... Wonderful, he thinks, to see Cole making himself comfortable and at home, choosing a space to make his, that Solas can sit by and watch and know that the boy is safe and taken care of. If he is human now - that's what he said - there will be more human desires to take care of, but until then... They can work out what it means to co-exist once more, even if he keeps his mind and his hurts as far away as he can.

His thoughts are pensive, at least, and his words follow, even as he leans back in his chair and touches his fingers to his chin, considering. ]

There is something unique about this world. It is not quite Thedas, and the technology here is beyond anything we might be able to touch, but there is... A magic. I am not sure how best to explain it.

The technology must be magic too, just a different kind. It mostly makes a [he buzzes his lips] bbbmmmmmmhh sound, though there are some wop and reet too. It doesn't have a story.

[Cole draws his knees up and uses them as a place to rest his chin, settling his mind and his limbs into the topic. It was scary arriving here and scary to be faced with such a large unknown, but there is definitely good too. It must be good, if he and Solas could be sitting here together with no holes in the sky to close. Solas didn't answer him really, but to himself Cole thinks that they will become new shapes. New hands are on the clay.

He rocks side to side, a faint tune putting a faint rhythm into his body.]

Does your magic work here?

Perhaps it is a magic all of their own. It's certainly nothing like anything I have experienced before and it is unlikely I will experience it again.

[ He is, after all, still set on his path and the future, where death awaits him with no hesitation. There is a cold comfort to Cole being here with him, trapped in a strange world with no hope for their future beyond what they have been offered; he has more time to be happy, to be content, to find some kind of joy and excitement, to study and learn.

He has too much time ahead of him as he tries to find a means to return to Thedas.

The unfortunate problem is that he is constantly distracted - if not by the way his mind twists and turns in mazes over Neriel and his confusing feelings then over the oddness of the people here. ]

It does. My connection with the Fade is barely present at all, but I am still capable.

[It's no secret to him what Solas is planning. It's just the reminder of it that makes him feel sad. He shifts to rest on his cheek instead of chin, frown hidden by the wide brim of his hat. Solas talks as if he is going back to Thedas tomorrow. And Cole knows what Solas is planning there too. Not perfectly, not in detail, but he knows it's why Solas tries to keep everything inside locked away. It would hurt too much to talk about, so he never does, and it would hurt too much to try to heal that pain, because Solas is holding onto it too tight. And if he thinks about it too much, it only invites in that horrible sharp dark known as despair.

He has to remember that compassion can find another way. He has to understand what Solas is teaching him, though he thinks that Solas isn't quite giving the lesson he would like. There is that other thing, the one he doesn't know, but he hopes one day Solas will tell him about it. Solas said he did nothing wrong, that he was entirely to blame. But if he did nothing, why had Solas hurt when he first saw him?

He shakes his head to shake off the thoughts. It's much easier to get lost in him self now.

Shyly hopeful, he asks:] What if it's the last experience you have? [If they never left, then those things would never have to happen, and maybe then Solas wouldn't weep so much in his dreams.]

Edited 2017-06-05 22:57 (UTC)

[ Solas understands the moods of the spirit - even if he is more human he's as clear as glass to those that know and recognise him. It doesn't matter if there's a touch of bitterness that Cole isn't the character he remembers - the fact that Cole is here, whole and solid and happy, is the only thing Solas can focus on. He wishes he had the power to take them all back to Thedas, to a world that was better for them, at least until the end, but he has not managed to get that far. He does not have that strength.

Instead, he knows he must do what he can to protect this boy. There's a quiet part of him that's somewhat pleased that Varric is here, at least, to add another layer of protective, gentle concern to those who want to see Cole happy. He might not agree with the dwarf on principle, might not approve of his thoughts, methods or anything else he has to offer, but he can appreciate his care for Cole. That is important.

He wishes he was better. He wishes he could give Cole what he wants and needs. Instead, he shuts his mind and his hurts off as much as he can. ]

Then I suppose I will simply have to enjoy it for what it offers.

[ He's considered it, of course. He's well aware that Neriel has been set up to choose between saving the world and letting him live and he's aware that he might never get back to Thedas. He's not blind to it. ]

Would you share it with me, Cole, if it was?

Yes.

[ The answer comes so easily, it's almost escaped before Solas even finishes his question. If they just stayed here together, all of those horrible things he could catch whispers of when he listened to the corners of Solas's heart would not matter any more. He would miss Thedas, miss all of his friends. Here would never be there. But it was still somewhere he was safe and loved.]

There is a lot of hurt here too. I could help! I could grow into me.

[ It's heartwarming to see Cole's enthusiasm and joy, and that is what lifts Solas more than anything else. He is trapped here, truly, until he manages to find a means to return to Thedas, to bend the world itself and transport himself back, but until then... He could not ask for better companionship, for a better friend to have at his side. The bond that he and Cole share is something deep and untouchable and there is no one else he would rather have.

Well. Almost. ]

I am sure there are many people who would welcome your kindness. [ He is not included in that list. ] Perhaps you and I can explore together and see what you may like here.

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the minor fall and the major lift.

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