thisavrou_log | Procrastinating and Not Solving My Problems

Who: Darin Altway and anyone who wants to join!
When: On especially clear nights throughout the month!
Where: Kauto, Region 5
What: Stargazing! Introspection! Relaxation! Bonding! Hilarity!

[Life had been decidedly quiet for Darin in the last month and a half. After that tumultuous mission with Shiro and the ensuing fallout, things had returned to be as peaceful as they could possibly be on an alien world. It was as close to feeling like 'home' as it could while not actively being the same.]

[Perhaps it was this longing for 'home' that found Darin on top of a grassy hill, sprawled out on his back and gazing up at the night sky. Back home, he would do this often when he had to turn his thoughts inward. He would gaze up at the twin moons of his world, one perpetually almost eclipsing the other, and think about his place in that world.]

[He found himself doing the same thing now, but instead of wondering what his place was, he was wondering what he could do to protect it. The laboratory on Asteroid 276 presented a path: a chance to limit himself and his abilities, thereby protecting everyone he had come to know and love in this world. But what would that mean for him if he was ever sent back to his real home? On the other hand...if he chose to keep himself limit free, where did he start in gaining mastery over himself? Dromas had been taught to use his powers. The power gap between them was like comparing an ocean to a babbling brook. How could he even begin to learn something about which he had no previous desire to know?]

[He sighs and reaches into a holster on his hip, drawing forth the tablet that Lucio had given him. He points it up towards the star-filled sky and begins opening window after window: star charts he'd taken from the Hub and meticulously recreated as images in the tablet. He starts moving the images around with his hands, trying to find matches among this night's tapestry. He didn't really expect to find his home...or anything in particular. But, it kept his mind busy. Kept its gears turning. Who knows...maybe he'd find an answer tonight?]

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Darin. Can we... talk about something else? Please?

[It's just too much, right now. After everything the others have said. After thinking how in the world he's going to be able to tell Pidge. Any mention of you being in any kind of bad spot and the look they give makes my heart sink...]

[He can just see the looks on Keith and Lance's faces when they saw him. When they talked about it. It hurts and makes the ground feel like it's falling out from under him all over again.]

[I'll take care of it.]

[Even if he doesn't know how.]

Show me another one you've made out here. Another constellation.

[Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. First, there was Shiro's desire to suddenly start pulling information from his prosthetic arm. Darin felt like something was off with the way he made such a public request over such a sensitive matter. And now this? That pleading tone...that aversion towards hearing just how important he was to everyone?]

[Something was beginning to add up and Darin really didn't like it.]

[He cares so much about these paladins. About these people who took him in as one of their own. They accepted him for what he was. They showed him patience and understanding.]

[They gave him a home.]

[He could never, in his entire lifetime, be able to repay that kindness. And even though he'd admitted to wanting to do anything for them, still their problems seemed so much more...distant to him. Like there was a thick pane of glass separating him from their troubles. And all he wanted to do was smash through it.]

[But he couldn't. With all of his literal god-given strength, he just...he couldn't. Maybe there would always be some boundaries he'd never be able to cross.]

[So...what did that leave him with? What could he possibly do...?]

[He stands slowly and takes a few steps forward, keeping his back to Shiro. Inhale. Exhale.]

[He turns and puts on his best grin.]

You know? I thought you'd never ask. I've got a ton, all named after things from back home!

[Emphatically, he points to the sky, ignoring the tablet in favor of a much wider canvas. He motions to a large star.]

See that one? If you connect it to the stars surrounding it in a clockwise pattern? Almost like a spiral? You get what I like to call "Kyrie's Chakram!" It's named after a legendary Celestial warrior!

[There was nothing more he could do. Nothing more than to do what he did best: Put on his biggest, most convincing smile. Hide insecurities with an unwavering grin. He would protect his friends' happiness with everything he had, even if it meant fooling himself.]

Edited 2017-04-19 05:46 (UTC)

[It's doing a lot more than he knows.]

[Because, with everyone else, he can't pretend everything's normal. It feels like every conversation now is important. Like they can't waste words, they can't have a rightfully-earned break to be human for a while.]

[Even Pidge. Who he hasn't had the heart to tell, yet.]

[Darin is different. He's not from home. Darin isn't someone who Shiro has to live up to. Has to be someone for. He just... wishes that with all his speechifying, with all the words in his head, there were some for this.]

[So when the other turns around, when he talks, most of the words just go floating by. Like he doesn't have the energy to grab for them right now.]

[Instead he's just stepping forward.]

[Embracing him.]

... thanks. Thank you.

[Darin had no idea what to expect with Shiro approaching him like that. Even with the fact that the two of them were basically the same height and build, Shiro had a presence. With him closing the gap like that, Darin flinched. Usually, when someone got that close to him, he was about to have a very sore jaw followed up with a defiant grin.]

[He was not expecting a hug from his best friend.]

[He was about to say something characteristically snarky. Something that would potentially diffuse the tension...because if there was one thing Darin was good at, it was deflecting when things got a little too close...a little too personal.]

[But the somber 'thank you' shakes any notion of snark out of his mind.]

['For what?']

['What did I even do?']

['I don't do anything but cause headaches.']

['I should be the one thanking you.']

[All these thoughts fly out with no words uttered to express them. Shiro can feel Darin's muscles tense, like steel cords, before slowly relaxing. Before the other can pull away, Darin shakily returns the embrace, patting Shiro on the back.]

You're my best friend, Shiro. Remember that.

[This hug is a thing that's happening. That makes one for every member of the team so far -- almost every member, anyway. But now isn't the time to think about that part.]

[Sure, he feels the tension. But, really, Darin's not the first one to not quite know how to react to this. He's not going to let it stop him, though. Because there's too much to say in the gesture. Too much to thank him for in it.]

[He sure as heck isn't letting go once the comment comes.]

[He swallows, instead.]

I don't know how to talk about it right now. You're part of this team... and you'll know.

Once I figure it out.

[It's a promise. As much as it isn't easy to say, as much as he just wants to put it all off, keep this light. Keep it friendly and like something to fall back on. But he can't do that. It's not fair to Darin.]

[And it's lying to himself. It's not what teammates do.]

... Pidge and Allura don't know anything's wrong, either. Don't... tell them yet, please.

I have to do this.

[Darin listens intently. There's a lot of things he can say here, a lot of things he wants to say. But he recognizes that tone of voice; that manner of speaking.]

[He knew that speaking optimistically would do nothing. How could he respond positively if he didn't understand the situation? It would come off as forced. Honeyed words with no depth, nothing substantial.]

[The feelings would be devoid of feeling themselves. Empty and hollow. Blind sympathy and encouragement would do nothing but give the man more reason to believe that he had to make it through whatever was troubling him.]

[Darin knew this because this is what it felt like to be him. To live with a burden that no one else could know or understand. Instead, he breaks the hug and clamps Shiro on the shoulders so that the man could look him in the eye as he spoke.]

You do what you have to do. And if the need arises, I'll take care of the team.

[If there was one thing Darin understood about Shiro, it was that his team always came first. If he could put that worry out of his mind, even for a little while? Then it was the right move to make.]

[He's a little relieved when there's no more argument. Or pushing. He's going to tell him. He meant that. He's going to tell everyone who doesn't know -- it's his duty, now. There's no way he can ask the guys to do it for him. That's not fair.]

[He has to stop and take a slow breath before answering. Like he's trying to sort out his thoughts, when instead, he's pushing down the sensation of rushing in his ears. The feeling of the floor falling out.]

[He lifts his head, finally.]

Please believe me when I say I'm going to tell you. Okay? You deserve to know just as much as anyone.

But it's something I... need to accept for myself, first.

And thank you.

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