thisavrou_log | i used to live alone before i knew you.

i used to live alone before i knew you.

Who: Solas & open
When: Late march!
Where: Throughout Kauto R1 & 3
What: Solas is here and he's exploring. Also making TDM threads canon.
Warnings: N/A

[ Solas is a touch overwhelmed by the newness of this place, this first region; there is very little that reminds him of Thedas and he's a little out of his depth, at least initially. He certainly doesn't look the part of someone comfortable with his surroundings, not with shimmering armour and what appears to be wolf pelts across his shoulders and down behind him. He moves and he walks and he takes it all in, sharp eyes drinking in a new world like he might devour a book, taking it all in, drinking it as if stopping might end with him falling out of place entirely.

He bypasses most of the people and he ignores any looks he gets - thought it seems like most people aren't too concern with having someone different in their midsts - and focusses instead on trying to work out routes and pathways, wondering what he might see if he Dreamed here, what memories would appear... If he can even reach that level in a world so different from his own.

Solas doesn't think the Fade is present, and it makes his heart burn.

Eventually, he gets to the third region and he feels... At peace. It's not home, and it's not welcome, not really, but he still feels a brush of something like familiarity. There are forests and trees that house people, and Solas tilts his head to take them all in, drinking it in for a moment and considering for a moment. What captures his attention most is how grand and handsome the trees are and people people live, content and king.

It makes him think of what the Dalish could've been, what his people could have been, grand and content and happy, and with the weight of the words of so many people on his shoulders... He falls silent, moving to sit, to watch and wonder, and question how he might find a means to go home. ]

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( from here )

[ Not much has changed when it comes to Solas speaking to his Inquisitor; he has learned the right things to say, the right words to whisper, the truths to give - how much he can give, how much he can offer, what he can do to twist his words and hide his heart while he also gives as much as he can. He does not lie, not completely, but he hides knowledge, keeps things quiet and makes sure that he only tells what he needs to tell.

Admitting that he wanted to teach the Dalish was not a lie - it is what he had intended when he had first awoken, when he had found them and was so desperate to be with them, to teach them, to give them more and more of himself. The rejection had hurt, had broken him, had left him lonely and sad until he had found his Foci and found another path... And then he had found Sahlin.

But this is not Sahlin, and Solas cannot expect the same nature and kindness from him. He must be careful and so he moves the pieces on his board with care and concern, wanting to make sure and not being certain all at once. ]

You're right. The Din'anshiral will have to wait for my return. I can only hope that my people do not suffer in my absence.

[ Because Solas is still Fen'Harel, he is still the leader of his people, he is still there to guide them and lead them and teach them, to free them from the shackles of slave markings that lie upon their faces and untold histories that they had long forgotten. He wants them to be free, and he feels adrift without it to anchor him.

Turning his attention back, Solas pauses before he nods his head. Only then does he offer a smile. ]

I do not wish for us to be enemies either. There is no fight here.

[ Only the two of them, and whatever might come between them. ]

Edited 2017-03-20 20:36 (UTC)

[And just like that, it's like the argument had never happened. Lavellan's always been too quick to forgive his friends, and Solas especially. When Solas had finally told him the truth, told him why he'd done what he did, he'd been ready to follow Solas through the eluvian and damn the consequences.

Not because he agreed with Solas's goals. Just because he'd thought maybe he'd be able to give Solas the help he needed, if he'd have just let Lavellan follow.

That same foolish impulse makes Lavellan forgive him now.]

I can't promise the rest will be so understanding. But if there's anything you need--I'll help as best I can.

[Which begs the obvious question.]

...You'll need a place to stay.

[ Solas knows what he is saying and what he is doing - because he has seen kindness in others before. It's not as though he wishes to go out of his way to try and make the situation easier for him to bear but he is, all the same, because it will make continuing forward better. It's not just for him, either; this Lavellan would likely find the change in their dynamic easier if Solas plays to the side of him that seems kind and gentle.

He's sour about it, though. He doesn't want to do it, and the words fade away on his tongue. There is only so much he can do before his heart hurts and he questions himself, his motives, his desires, and he stops, stands taller, and nods his head. This will do, for now - they are no longer arguing. Why draw out more when they are at peace? He has been honest for this long and he refuses to become a liar now.

All Solas is capable of now is nodding his head. ]

I did not imagine I would have understanding from anyone. I am lucky there is one person willing to make the attempt.

[ Neriel. Sahlin.

The reminder makes Solas pause, however, and he turns his head, looking around as if it'd give him all the answers. ]

I'm sure I will find somewhere suitable.

[Lavellan looks sheepish. He didn't actually have a place to stay to offer, when he brought it up. And he can't really make any recommendations, either.]

I've... well, I haven't really been staying anywhere. I've just... been wandering.

[And truth be told, it's not just because it's a lifestyle he finds familiar. If that were the entire reason, then he wouldn't be comfortable being alone; the Dalish aren't solitary people. The truth is he's just restless, and exploration is a good distraction.

He knows he needs to do some self-reflection, but he doesn't even know where to start. Maybe Solas could help with that. He's always known how to put things in perspective.]

I could help you find something, if you wanted. I've been here for over a month now and I've learned some of the areas.

[~~hey i just met u and this is crazy but wanna move in with me~~]

[lúcio, sitting nearby at a cafe, recognises the perplexed look solas has. one fresh through the ingress... or incredibly drunk. he flags the strange looking man down.]

Hey, man! Hey, with the wolf skins! C'mere a sec.

[ Solas is hardly offended; it's not as though the Inquisition had anything when he had first joined them. Material items are not something he cares for beyond his Foci and the few books he cherished. ]

This place is large. It is not as simple as choosing a room in a keep, I am certain.

[ It's Solas' way of trying to offer comfort even as he nods his head. He has no interest in relegating himself to the more populated areas and that means he's going to go out of his way to find somewhere quieter and a little more tucked away. He's not like any other elf that might appear here - he has no desire for any kind of close companionship.

Not from them.

They are not his people.

Turning his head, however, he pauses. He's a touched surprised to be given such token kindness in the wake of what he had done, but... Perhaps there are more things alike between this man and Sahlin than he had imagined. She had always been far too gentle, too kind...

He smiles. ]

I will not turn down the assistance.

[ For a moment Solas isn't entirely sure he's being spoken to, but as soon as he hears wolf skins... He breaks away from his thoughts, turning to look at the stranger. ]

Yes?

[Lavellan can't help but smile in return. It's strange, but with Solas here, talking like they used to, with no rift between them--figurative or otherwise--it's almost like none of it happened, like they're right back in that Skyhold corridor surrounded by Solas's murals.

It gives him a swell of--something. Happiness, maybe. The closest thing he's felt since he arrived here. Since the Inquisition disbanded. Maybe even since Solas left for the first time.]

Well, thankfully, there's also a lot more variability than rooms in keeps. We might be able to find you a nice vacation home, while we're at it.

[ Solas wishes that he could simply turn around and slip through the mirror again, to sink into the warm embrace of the eluvian and feel at ease again... He had abandoned so much and he had lived through it all, survived, somehow, and had awoken here. It's as though it is another trial he must pull through, another thing he must suffer before he is finally able to do what he knows is best.

The response does make him laugh, though, that familiar, quiet chuckle. Isn't that why he got his nickname? ]

Do I need a vacation home?

[And now Solas was even laughing again. How could Lavellan have ever thought the worst of him?]

I suppose not. In some ways this whole place is its own vacation.

[Then his face falls. He's just inadvertently reminded himself of where they are and what they have waiting for them back in Thedas.]

It would be nice to know when it's going to end.

Hey, man! C'mere, have a seat.

[lúcio gestures to the one opposite him.]

You want somethin'? I'm buying.

[ Because he is the worst and he is more than aware of it - he does not hide it anymore. Lavellan is aware of his plans; why disguise it? ]

I am not so sure an accidental kidnapping could be described as relaxing.

[ He notices the fall of the other man's face, though, and Solas turns his head to one side, considering. He cannot make that pain go away, but he can pretend he did not see the vulnerability. ]

I intend to investigate that matter.

[ Solas is a touch confused, but he does step closer. ]

And what price comes with this act of kindness?

[That gives him pause.

Lavellan's no slouch in the magical research department, and even he hasn't been able to discover anything of use himself. But he doesn't have the--his thoughts stumble over the word--centuries of experience that Solas does. If anybody would be able to figure out how to reverse this, it's Solas.

More surprising is the anxiety that flares in his stomach at the idea. Before now he'd have jumped at the chance to return home, but that was when he'd had a purpose--to stop Solas. Help him, more accurately, but they were one and the same.

Now, though, Solas is here. Not his Solas, but a Solas, and right now, talking like the friends Lavellan had thought they were, that feels like enough.

In the first weeks after the Inquisition had disbanded, Lavellan had gone to Wycome to reunite with his clan only to find them strangers. Only three years had passed, but he'd become a different person, and his old family had treated him with the same distant reverence as anyone else. He didn't know them anymore.

He'd lost contact with most of the Inquisition except for Sera, along with most of his sense of purpose that wasn't simply find Solas. In this place, though, they're here again almost exactly as Lavellan remembers them. They aren't his, they don't truly know him, but they're the same at the core and until he'd found them again he hadn't realized how much he'd missed them.

This place has his friends and a Solas he doesn't have to fight. Thedas had that old hollow, desperate, lost feeling he'd been settled with for months, and a Solas who had to be his enemy.

Suddenly, he isn't so sure he wants to go back. He's grateful Solas had chosen to look away, because he can't be sure that isn't showing on his face.]

Do you really think you'll be able to find a way back to Thedas?

[ There's a moment of quiet as he considers the answer to that question.

Solas has fought, long and hard, and he has managed to do things that people would never have considered possible. He had such power that the rest of the world would crumble and yet he cannot use it to do what he wishes, not yet. He cannot step through into the Fade and tear down the Veil - or he hadn't been able to until the Anchor was his and the Inquisitor had been left to rebuild what was left of their empire. He had to channel his thoughts and his emotions to one focus and that was walking the path he had chosen - nothing else could matter.

It did not mean he enjoyed what he had been left to do. He waded through a world of people who had lost their connection to the Fade, fought against the restraints of his own power as he struggled to find a way to gain what he had lost. He had slept for a millennia and awoken to his own brand of hell, the Pantheon gone but a worse disaster befalling his people. He did not expect aid, kindness or promises of something better, an alternate route, and yet...

Sahlin had said their love would be strong enough to overcome even this. That they could find a better path together. He wonders, absently, what Neriel's response was, what his thoughts about the Solas he knew had been based around. ]

Do you think I would be content allowing someone else to control my fate?

[ Not anymore, never again. He must return to Thedas and he must revoke the Veil. That is the only thing that occupies his mind, and he will have to swallow his frustrations. ]

Nothing, really. I just know that look.

[lúcio stays grinning and friendly.]

You probably won't believe me immediately, but I won't ask anything of you.

[It's foolish, to be disappointed in a confirmation of something he already knows. Especially based on an entirely selfish hope. But Lavellan would never claim to be anything else.]

No. No, of course not.

[And even if he did manage to convince Solas to change his path, it would mean nothing for his own back in his Thedas.

Well. Maybe he could at least do something for Solas's.]

We won't get much accomplished just standing around here. Shall I give you the tour?

[The change in topic is abrupt, but the only place they'll get continuing on this one is uncomfortable truths. Lavellan would rather stay in denial a little longer.]

[ At least Solas knows there are no confused expectations between the two of them; Neriel knows the truth of him, even if he is one of a few. There is no need to avoid the heart of the matter or sidestep the truth. Not anymore. ]

Then you already have your answer.

[ He is going to find a way to return to Thedas because it is the only option. There is still so much left to do and Solas has to find a means to make sure that what he has planned comes to fruition. He cannot abandon it now, not after how far he has come and all that he has given and lost.

It doesn't matter how long it takes. He has waited longer before. ]

Are you going to show me interesting monuments, Neriel?

[ He raises a brow, curious about the change in tact - but he isn't going to turn down the chance to learn more about this place. ]

[ The friendliness is surprising, but he's here and he may as well take advantage of it. Carefully, he sits down. ]

Nothing but the chance to buy me a drink.

[Lavellan laughs in spite of himself.]

If I was going to show you everything interesting around here, we'd never get to the end. The things in this place are like nothing I've ever seen, Solas. I bet even you haven't, even with all your Fade adventures.

[So many things. Indoor plumbing. Instant communication. Fast travel! The first time he'd done that he'd gotten so dizzy he almost fell over. Healing beyond the capabilities of magic. Edible food everywhere. Amazing things he has no explanation for. Suddenly he's almost giddy at the idea of showing them all to Solas.

All in due time, though. Lavellan was telling the truth when he said there was too much.]

I meant I should show you where most people tend to live, if you still wanted to find something.

[ The laugh is gentle and familiar, and Solas blinks as he stares the other man down. It makes him want to distance himself and he feels the edge of it haunting him, making him want to take a physical step back - but he has more control than that. ]

I am sure of that. I've seen buildings higher than any castle in Thedas and magics like nothing I have ever witnessed. I am eager to learn as much as I can.

[ No matter how long it takes. He's seen some of it already, thanks to his TAB and the medical checkup he was forced through, but it's nothing like he had ever imagined. Wandering around had allowed him to see something, something remarkable, and it's enough to allow him to marvel at human invention. It's not something he has come across often, after all; most of his excitement and joy had come from seeing the greatness the elves had borne themselves, despite their limitations.

Watching, though, he pauses before he nods, once. He's not likely to get a better guide. ]

Please, lead the way.

[lúcio laughs at that.]

Yeah! That's all. Look, did you get here just recently?

[If Solas is anything like him--and they are surprisingly similar in as many ways as they're different--he'll find the more sprawling urban settings fascinating to observe but overwhelming to actually be in. So Lavellan takes him straight to region 3, among the trees he personally finds comforting.

(This is how he justifies it to himself, anyway. It's also self-serving, because region 3 is where Lavellan himself tends to center.)

And maybe the network of treehouses with their winding paths will be reminiscent of Solas's own travels through Thedas and the Fade. In any case, if Lavellan had to choose a permanent shelter, this is where he'd go.]

A lot of them are already occupied, I think, but there should be at least a few available. [He suddenly feels a bit nervous because what if Solas doesn't like it :(] If this kind of thing appeals to you, that is.

[ It seems he's quite transparent... ]

A few days before now, yes. I suppose I don't fit in quite yet.

[ Solas, too, has noticed how similar they are - they've talked a little since their first meeting and while Neriel is nothing like he remembers any elf being before... Solas is startlingly reminded of how Sahlin had been the first time the two of them had spoken. Careful, halting, uncertain, wanting to know more but being unsure how far to press and how much to do... It's almost comforting that despite being far from home there is something familiar.

The quieter, more woodland region had been the one that made him most comfortable - the loud, crowded streets of the other regions had made him feel oddly out of place and uncomfortable. There was much work for him to do before he was comfortable, and starting somewhere familiar would have to do. It's not as though he was given much of a choice, and that's as frustrating as it had been before. ]

I see no reason to complain. It's as though the very forest is a homeland.

[ Turning his head, he smiles fondly. ]

Let us see what choice we have.

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i used to live alone before i knew you.

it's not somebody who's seen the light.

dishonor on you. dishonor on your cow

IT'S A COLD AND IT'S A BROKEN HALLELUJAH

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i'm gonna end it (´・ω・`)

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( ˘ ³˘)♥

dude

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hours later i still cannot fucking believe this tag

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no homo round 2: electric boogaloo

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