thisavrou_log | that single solitary guide

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that single solitary guide

Who: Shiro & Pidge
When: seriously backdated to mid-February, after the Eosoros Disaster
Where: Ingress Complex Medical Center
What: Pidge checks in on her team leader. Don't do painkillers, kids. It ends badly.
Warnings: Possibly trauma talk? Hospitals and Injuries?

It's only been a day or so since he first came to. Probably less. But he's been drifting in and out too much to really know for sure -- and he hates it. It makes the room feel hazy. It looks like too many different things at once. Sure, no one's put him under, directly, but the combination of injury and painkillers is hard to fight.

He knows Angela was there. Knows she was looking after things. And that's helped. A lot, actually. Kept him from clawing out of the bed to go looking for his team in a daze.

But Angela is human, and at some point, the poor woman has to eat or take care of something. And when he jolts out of this nap, it's from a deep sleep full of fractured imagery and too many familiar faces on the edges of his reach.

For those first few seconds of being awake, he honestly couldn't tell you where or when he was. Not with the painkillers in him. And not without something to anchor onto, visually.

So of course, he's going to try and stand up.

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A lot had happened. It had been a lot to take in, and frankly, Pidge is still pretty upset about... well, everything. She hadn't even wanted them going off on a mission on their own. Shiro and Allura are the only people she has from home, and losing either of them is simply not an option. So naturally, once she heard that Shiro was occasionally awake in his hospital room, Pidge decided to set up camp there. She's always been more the type to want to see the truth with her own eyes, even (and maybe especially>) when it's supposed to be good news.

All of which led to her being present, fingers flying over the keyboard of her laptop, when Shiro suddenly jolts awake. Pidge is about to greet him with a small grin and a wave - but then he's trying to get up. Obviously a no-no. Without even thinking, she's up and rushing over to the bed with a shout, putting both hands on his shoulders to ease him back against the bed. Is he trying to join her on the other side of the room with the IV drip still in his arm?!

"Shiro, what're you doing?!" She tries not to sound too distressed about the idea of him getting up and reopening any wounds. "Just lay down, okay? You're supposed to be healing, not making yourself worse."

When he actually sits up straight, he sort of feels like the room is spinning in circles around him. Maybe it's the combination of painkillers and actual pain. Or being horizontal for so long. He doesn't know.

Someone's pushing at him. It's not hard, but everything is still so sore he ends up wincing, pulling back from them. And trying to lift his right hand to rub at his face. It's heavy. Too heavy to pick up with his shoulder still healing. So of course, there's a flinch, and he's all but falling backward.

No resistance.

"No, I..." His voice comes out too thick. Too hoarse. Like when he'd first woken up and Angela had been there. He hasn't directly looked at who else is here in the room with him. Not yet. "Not -- tired. The others--"

Pidge winces sympathetically at the way he falls back into the bed. It bothers her more than she expects it to, seeing Shiro trying to push himself so much to just move. Her frown deepens as she finds a place on the edge of the bed to sit, keeping one hand on his shoulder. She's not pushing him down at least. Just letting her hand lay there as if it could provide some kind of support.

"The others are fine, don't worry." She offers what she hopes is a reassuring smile, even if the worry is still there in her eyes. After all, she's pretty sure that she's one of 'the others' that he's referring to. "You just really scared us, you know."

Her hand keeps him in place more than she might think. But not in a bad way. That slight pressure is more than enough. Especially given how much effort the simple act of sitting up took out of him -- breathing too hard, eyes still shut and fluttering.

The others are fine.

Okay. Good. That's... really good. He doesn't have to go after them. This is a trustworthy source, he thinks. Because even while drifting like he is, he knows this voice. Right?

"Sorry," he's muttering, as he cracks an eye open, peering at her. While his whole face sags in something like relief, that expression a little glazed. "I'm... really sorry."

She can see every little thing and it all looks so wrong on Shiro. He's just still so weak and so badly in need of rest... Pidge desperately wishes they had the healing pods here, or some equivalent to it. It would get him better so much faster, and it would really put her mind more at ease.

But at least he finally seems to be relaxing back into the bed, and that gives her enough relief to let out the breath she'd apparently been holding.

"Sorry for what?" The question almost comes out on an incredulous kind of laugh. "I'm just glad you're okay."

For what? Is that really a question? A real question? It can't be. It has to be some kind of joke. Playing dumb. Right? Even in his head, as dazed and semi-aware as it is, he knows exactly what he has to apologize for. Something that's been tearing him up for months now.

Ever since he remembered...

There's a hand still on his shoulder, and without thinking about it, he's clumsily taking it in his. In the one hand that still moves when he wants it to.

"I left you..." he says. And it's just as ragged as the rest of the words. "I got out. You -- I don't know if you did." His fingers tighten, a fraction. "Wasn't how I wanted it to go."

At first, the words are just confusing. He left her? Well, he did go off on this crazy mission with Darin, so yes, he left. But then everything else processes, and as Shiro squeezes her hand lightly in his, Pidge can feel her blood go cold.

He's not talking to her. He's talking to Matt.

Her smile fades in favor of letting her eyes go wide, and she's just staring down at Shiro with her lips pressed into a tight line. What should she do? This happened once before, for an instant back on the Moira when everything was going crazy. But it was just a brief moment caused by some insane Ingress energy. This... This is something else. This is painkillers and grogginess or something, and for a few seconds Pidge just isn't sure what to say.

And then, finally... "It's okay." She tries to swallow the lump in her throat, tries so hard not to sound like she's on the verge of crying, even when she is. "You- You did the best you could."

She could have taken an hour to figure out what to say, and he probably wouldn't have blinked at it. Needless to say, he's not totally here and present. Floating between memory and reality. Too tired to really have a grip on either one. And her face... they look so much alike.

It's not the Ingress this time. It's guilt and painkillers, exhaustion and trauma. Things he never would have said to anyone, if he were himself.

"I -- I didn't know. If you knew why..." His own voice cracks a little. Almost to match hers. "If you knew." And then his expression crumbles, faintly, something more pained than before.

"Pi... Katie. Found out. She's safe. Looking for you but I..." Another squeeze of her hand. "I think she hated me. For a while."

Her attention on him sharpens, hanging on every word and every pause... As if she hasn't already been watching him so damn carefully, so intent to make sure he was really starting to heal and feel better, now there's so much more information she's trying to glean from this. Of course Shiro and Matt were close - friends, teammates - but Pidge had never stopped to really think about how much guilt Shiro carried with him about being the only one who got away.

"I-It's okay." She manages a quick, vigorous little nod, still holding back her own tears and trying to smile the way she knows Matt would. "It's okay."

It's a huge effort to try to keep her voice from shaking when she speaks again, carefully placing her free hand over Shiro's. Pidge can probably guess where that thought comes from, but it seems so stupid now after everything that's happened. Their team is a family now. But if Shiro needs that bit of reassurance, then... "She- She wouldn't hate you. You shouldn't... even think that. Ever. It's not your fault, o-okay?"

It's not okay. It's not going to be okay until they find her family. Until they're all safe where she can reach them again. He shouldn't have been the one to get away. That's... that's just not fair. And when he can't even tell them how it happened, it just makes things worse.

"I don't... want her to. Either of you to."

Any of them, really. This team is his family now. The only people in the universe who even know he's alive. And if they hated him... he doesn't know what he'd do.

Maybe it's worse when he can't talk it out. But now? He's sure he can. His head is spun around and confused enough to believe this is a real conversation. With someone he's needed to say it to. "I just..." He has to pause to catch a breath. "I've wanted to. Tell you."

"Ever since I remembered... I'm so sorry."

Now he's repeating himself. And doesn't seem to realize it.

Pidge has to bite down on her lip. She can tell she's doing a pretty shitty job of holding herself together, but... Well, it's hard when Shiro looks and sounds so completely broken. And she doesn't even know what to say to really convince him that all these thoughts and doubts and worries that he's having - that he's been having - are totally unfounded. It would be a lie to say that she hadn't been angry before. That she hadn't been frustrated to think there hadn't been a way for Shiro to have escaped with her family. But she's not angry anymore.

She's grateful.

Or maybe it's more than that. There doesn't feel like there's a real word to describe just how grateful Pidge is to him, for all the things he's done not only for her and their team, but for her lost family. It kind of seems like just saying "Thank you" every five minutes will just start to make her gratitude toward Shiro look fake. That's the last thing she wants him to think.

So she opts for action over words. With a sniff, she pulls her hands away from his in favor of giving Shiro a tight, careful hug. She has no idea if it's comforting or anything, but at the very least it lets her hide her face, which has gone red in her efforts to keep her tears at bay.

"You don't h-have to be sorry..." She really does try to sound optimistic, the way Matt probably would, but her voice is shaking. "And no one- No one hates you. You're d-doing the best you can..."

Any other day, any other time, he could hold it together. He could be stoic and reserved and hold it back. But not today. Today he almost fully believes he's getting what he's wanted for a long time. He's seeing his friend again. Who's understanding. Who doesn't blame him...

... who forgives him.

There's something about the voice that suddenly, abruptly, doesn't sound right. Too shaky. Too young. But he doesn't have a chance to really process it. Part of him is diligently informing him he's wrong, that he needs to wake up. Needs to snap out of this, wake up and let go of this.

I can't...

His good hand comes up, curls around the person hugging him. Holding onto them in return. He feels his head bow into their shoulder. Maybe that will help his eyes stop stinging.

"Thank you."

It feels so incredibly inadequate. But what else can he say? To any of this? Anything else is just wrong. "Thank you..."

She can only hope that their close proximity doesn't give her away. This feels like something Shiro's needed to do, and of all the people on their team, Pidge understands it. He's obviously a better teammate, knowing how to keep everyone together and cooperating. And at the same time, their team is like family. Pidge understands family.

She misses Matt. She misses her father. More than ever now that she knows how much Shiro's been beating himself up over not being able to escape with them. That's why she's fine with holding onto him like this, letting him be the one to hang onto her like a lifeline in a storm. She doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what else she could do to help him, so she doesn't even dare to move. Not for a long time. Not until she - and maybe Shiro, too - is done crying into one another's shoulders.

Any other day, it might have given her away immediately. But now is different. Now he's not thinking beyond the moment, now his senses are too hazy with pain and painkiller and fatigue to really process this person is smaller than they should be. They're not who they should be.

All he can think is this is, however it's come, forgiveness. Something he really has needed to hear. Wanted to hear. Words he never thought he'd get to say.

He probably doesn't even realize he's been crying, though. Leaders don't cry. They don't let things slip like this. They're supposed to be stoic and capable. In control, all the time. But right now? He's not the leader.

He's just Shiro. Who misses his friend. And wants nothing more than to know it's going to be all right, in the end.

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that single solitary guide

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lololol of course i missed the html malfunction 8D;;

IT'S OKAY

;3;

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