thisavrou_log | Every single night pray the sun will rise

Entry tags:

Every single night pray the sun will rise

Who: Zevran and (crau) Bucky
When: Forward dated to March 8th
Where: Ingress Complex
What: Zev waking up from his canon update
Warnings: Feels???? Emotions??? Zev finally kinda knows how to deal with them.

[Things have been going well for Zevran. Too well in fact. So well that every once in a while he just has to stop and think about how in the world he was able to keep all of these nice things in his life. He has a home, a with some fluffy animal that waits for him near the door. He has a bed, while it was rarely made, that was kept warm by the person that cuddles next to him when he was home. He loves his home and the cares deeply for the one that lives there with him. It didn't stop those thoughts of worthlessness that would rise up when he watches Bucky doing mundane home things, or when he comes back from the fields. He didn't deserve this man, nor his love. Bucky is good, so good. He's escaped the life of death and blood for something peaceful. Zevran is proud of him for that, but he knows that the kind of quiet life Bucky wants will never be for him. He'll always kill people, there will always be blood on his hands, because it's all he knows. He wonders when Bucky will realize this and leave him.

It's one of those not so happy thought moments that Zevran finds himself in when it happens. He's in the kitchen, making coffee and staring at the drip. The stepford smile is gone from his face. He is alone in the kitchen, and there is no need to keep up appearances. The the war that is going on in his head is obvious as he stands facing the wall. His mind keeps going back to the tree house, where Bucky tells him he loves him and Zevran couldn't answer back. He keeps thinking about the look of hurt on Bucky's face, and he doesn't know what pains him more. The fact that Bucky told him it hurts or that Zevran did nothing to try and mend it. Both are awful, and he knows that Bucky deserves better.

His eyes close for a moment, a bit longer than a standard blink. He tries to recollect his thoughts before he grabs his cup, puts his smile back on and goes to face Bucky again with his self hatred rising higher than before. He doesn't make it out of the kitchen though. As soon as he takes a step his vision starts to blurr. His knees go weak and he feels his body fall limp and collide hard to the floor. The last thing he hears is ceramic cracking before everything goes blank, and then the sudden feeling of home.

Thedas, the Warden, and everything he left before. It's all there before him again. He remembers his vow of loyalty to the Warden, and keeps it as they pick up where he left. The merry band of misfits travel all across Thedas, gathering a army in their wake. He wasn't sure if the plan of the Warden would actually work, but the final battle against the Archdemon came, and they actually won. He survived, and the Blight was gone. He wasn't sure exactly how it all came together so well, but he was happy it did. The thing that surprised him the most was not the outcome of the battle though, it was how much he changed since meeting the Warden. Thanks to the her, he knew his worth. He knew he was worth life and happiness without the fear of the Crows lurking over his shoulder. He was jumped at the change to destroy them. It was after he started to plunge House Arainai into chaos that he heard the faint beep, beep, beep that sounded like something off of the old ship...the Moria? He almost thought that place had been a dream.

The beeping starts to ring in his ears, as does the mechanical hum of more machines, and the smell of sterile of a medical facility hits him hard. He wakes up from his dream, almost as suddenly as he had fallen into it. His eyes glance around but he doesn't quite move yet. He knows he isn't in Thedas anymore, the white walls, and blinking machines and the wires he is attached too make that obvious. He is back at home, in Savou.]

Ugh, that was a...long dream.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[Sometimes Bucky worries that Zevran is restless. Dissatisfied in this mundane, average life that Bucky has carved out for them in this alien world. That he's unhappy with the way things are now, the way they need to be in order for Bucky to stay sane. He can't go back to the life he'd had before. The death and killing, constantly on the run and looking over his shoulder. Some of his old habits remain, supplies stashed in case they have to leave quickly, but he's trying, every day, to be normal. He knows he needs it or he won't make it much longer. But he knows that being with someone else means compromise, so he got them the place in the city. He makes sure they go often, sometimes the weekend, or during the week. They spend time in the city, do new things, and he makes himself relax so that they can try new things in bed.

He wonders sometimes if his handsome, smart, clever, wonderful elf will realize he can do so much better and leave him. There are others that can treat him right, make him happier. People that aren't broken, aren't Bucky.

He thinks of how he'd admitted he'd loved him, his beautiful Zevran and he'd said nothing back. How that had hurt, so deep down that Bucky could still feel it ache, but he stayed, anyways. He could love Zevran with everything that he was and try to make him happy for as long as he would let him - then, when he's ready to go, Bucky would just try to live without him. He couldn't, he knows that now, but he would try. He thinks of all their good times and the rest is fine, the best Bucky's ever had.

It's early, and he'd been out in the field like he usually does. His work day doesn't last long, he moves fast, efficient, and doesn't linger. Zevran is home and when the elf is home, he makes sure to spend the time with him, but he's still gone for a few hours. He can smell the lingering scent of coffee when he enters their house, calling out Zevran's name. No answer. He goes up the back steps and hops in the shower, hoping to surprise his elf when he comes back out.

As he's heading back downstairs, he realizes there isn't any noise. Nothing signalling that Zevran is around. Unease settles over him and he takes the steps faster, quiet as he makes quick work of moving through the house. Everything goes still, vibrantly and achingly still - Zevran on the floor, the cracked cup, unmoving. He's on his knees, checking for a pulse, he won't wake up. Bucky pulls out his TAB and calls for emergency services, tells the person who responds where he is and that he's bringing Zevran towards them.

He's got the elf in his arms and is almost to the EN-Line when they intercept. They take over. They take care of him. Bucky doesn't move from his bedside. Doesn't eat or sleep or move.

How long was he lying there. How long did he need Bucky before Bucky came. Will he wake up. Is he gone. Is he alone now. He hears his voice but he still can't move.]

[He feels groggy still as his eyes refocus and he gets a good look at the room. It's white, plain, like a hospital. He figures that is where he must be if he has wires in his arm and a machine beeping at him.

And then he sees Bucky, that vacant look at his face like he can't focus on anything or he is focusing on too much. He hadn't seen this before, but he recalls Bucky had warned hime some time ago.]

Amor? [He says with a low voice and reaches for Bucky's hand. His fingers skim the skin of his human hand. He hopes that this isn't what Bucky warned him of, but if it was then he would have to break that promise he made. He wasn't going to leave him again.]

[Bucky doesn't know at what point he dissociated. Sometime after he got Zevran help, found out that he was physically fine. Obviously something was wrong, but they couldn't give him any information so he just.. slipped away. Let his mind go blank so he couldn't hurt, so he wouldn't think the worst things. So he wouldn't do something irrational and reckless.

Even now, he hears the voice. The words. Feels the touch on his hand. But it's all distant and foggy, just out of reach. Like the sun coming up over the horizon, the light is there, but it hasn't broken through the clouds. It's there, he should see it soon, but if it rains, if the weathers bad, he might not be able to.

His breathing picks up, but he doesn't react in any other way. Eyes to the floor, glassy and vacant. He's safe here. He won't have to listen to the doctors tell him that he'll never talk to his elf again, never hold him, never hear him tease and flirt.

The pain radiates out and swallows him whole.]

[It's been months since he's seen this face, held his hand, or heard his voice. He had begun to think that he would never come home again to the life that they had made, but the Maker was funny like that. Even now when the man he loves is so close, yet his mind so far from him.

He remembers the promise that he made Bucky. That if he went like this he would keep away, but now that he saw it he had to break that promise.]

I am sorry, mi leon, I have to break that promise.

[He says softly to him as he sits up in the bed and shifts closer to him. He doesn't stop until he can feel Bucky's body heat on him. His fingers run through dark locks as he pulls the mane of hair away from that pretty face.]

I have to tell you, about everything. [He tried to smile, and fight back the helplessness he is feeling. This is all his fault. If he hadn't left-]

I didn't want to leave you, but the Crows are gone now. The entire house Arainai. Can you believe that? I'm free, you should be happy that means so much.

[If Bucky were completely aware of himself right now, he'd be upset with Zevran for not listening to him. It wouldn't last long, but the promise was meant to keep him safe and Bucky can't do that when he's this way.

He imagines the world as Zevran explains it. Fingers brushing through his hair, the threat that keeps them from really letting go is gone. The elf unafraid to feel because he knows that what had hurt him before is no longer a problem. Bucky pictures a world where HYDRA was completely destroyed, where neither him nor Zevran had to fear that their pasts would catch up to them one day. Even just one of them feeling that way is enough, it's enough to make them both happy.

It's hard to breathe. The fog is still too thick and he wants to press back into the warmth he can feel, the fingers running through his hair. He wants to see his face, see him, hold him close. He hasn't done this in so long, he can't remember how to get out.

He can't remember which way - he can't breathe - his elf deserves better.]

[He waits, for any sign that Bucky can hear him. He notices his breathing quickens, but that is it. He moves closer, pulling the wires that connect him to machines taut. He wants to be closer to Bucky, to hold him and feel his arms around him. He's waited so long for this.]

Bucky?

[He says gently, trying his best to bring his love back to him. He's worried. He's never seen anything like this before. He doesn't know if he can bring him back or not, but he won't stop trying.]

I'm not...I'm not afraid anymore.

[He doesn't want to say the words he knows Bucky wants to hear if he can't hear them, but maybe he can. If he is reacting even the slightest bit, he hopes it is still possible. He leans his body against him, his lips brush his in a chaste and gentle kiss. He breaks contact after a moment and just leans against him to feel his heartbeat.]

I can say it now. I love you, and I need you to hear that. So come back to me.

[The touch, the kiss. He feels all of it, it pushes through the fog, but it's not quite enough. His mind plays tricks and tells him that he's imagining all of it. He's felt these things before, heard them before, so it's easy for his head to trick him. But some things he hasn't heard before. Didn't have any idea how it would make him feel.

I love you.

His eyes flick up, breathing still irregular but he can see Zevran. Clear as if the fog never covered him over.]

What?

[Bucky's brow furrows.] What did you say?

[his ears twitch when he hears his breathing change and his voice ring out. He draws back to make sure it wasn't just his imagination, but there he is. His eyes focused, and clear. It makes his smile turn to a grin.]

Did you not hear me the first time?

[He gives a small chuckle. A small hoop earring, simple and gold now hangs from his right ear. His hands cup Bucky face, and he stares at the man before him with all the love in the world. But oh....now he has to say it again...doesn't he?]

Listen close, amor. Because I said something very important. I said I love you.

I wasn't sure.

[In part, it's still unbelievable that someone could love Bucky in that way. Bucky tilts his head up, moves closer to the bed so he doesn't have to reach for him. His hand comes up to trace the outline of his ear, tapping the earring.]

I love you, too. [His mouth curves into a soft, fond smile. He's still a little dazed, as if he's just woken up, but he's trying.] When did you get that? I don't remember it.

[And light pink tone flushes the skin of his cheeks. He never blushes when talking about anything that should cause it. He smiles at the words as Bucky speaks them. His head tilts into his hand as it touches him.]

I started wearing it back home.

[Because it was important to him, a promise that he made himself. That promising being that he would see Bucky again, and give him the other. Now that he was back...well what better time. He reached into his pocket, and sure enough it was there.]

I have the match...I'd like you to have it. Keep it, sell it, it doeant matter to me but...I would like to give it as a token of affection.

[He knows people do that here. Go home with no warning and come back. Steve was in and out of cryo constantly, sometimes remembering new things and sometimes just waking back up like he'd been tired enough to sleep for a month.]

I wouldn't sell something you gave me a token of affection.

[He takes the earring, gently turning it over in his hands.]

Could I wear it? I don't have a piercing, but you could do it.

Of course, amor.

[The thought of him wearing it made his chest go warm and flutter. A way for them to match and show who they both belonged too.]

Whenever you like.

[And then he thought about it...]

How long was I gone?

Too long. Three days.

[Bucky shifts, pushing the chair back and lowering the rail on the side of Zevran's bed. Careful of all the wires and tubes, he moves the blanket and climbs up on the bed beside him. He curls around Zevran, a hand resting gently on his stomach.]

I didn't mean to lose myself. I didn't want you to ever see me that way.

[His teeth worry his lower lip.]

If you hadn't woken up, I.. [He shrugs, closing his eyes.] I'm glad you woke up.

It's felt like months to me.

[He missed this. Bucky's voice, his touch, the warmth from his body next to him. It's good to have that back. He smiles as he too curls and cuddles into Bucky. He made a gentle shh before he tilts his head up and kisses him once more. He missed this the most.]

So am I.

[He wasn't going to even humor the thought of him not waking up.]

Months.

[He quirks a smile, running his hands up and down Zevran's side. Bucky's missed this and it's only been days, he can't imagine months. He's so lovesick it hurts.]

Bet you got real lonely without.. Sugar around to keep you company.

[Bucky playfully taps the elf's chin.]

She misses her Padre.

[That causes a laugh to shock through him.]

You know, I did! I missed her lying across my face at 4 am. Who would have thought, right?

[He smiles warmly as he gazes at Bucky, and it turns to a grin.]

We shouldn't keep her waiting then. Let's go home.

[Bucky grins, that laugh as infectious as it is sweet.]

Well she missed havin' your face to lay across at 4 am.

[In all seriousness, Sugar was a sensitive cat. They both knew that her emotions revolved around her own. He'd found her mewing at the elf's side when he'd passed out and he knew she'd be glad to see them when they go back.]

Let me get someone to sign you out. [A flash of concern flits across his face, but he kisses Zev's cheek and slips out of the room.]

I'm sure she is lonely right now.

[He says before Bucky kisses him and leaves. He saw that look of concern, but could do little to assure him at this point. He can't help but wonder still if Bucky is okay and fully lucid. He could mother hen over him later though. Some thing told him the same would happen to him when they got home. So he waits, only moving his legs off the side of the bed.]

[After the doctor checks Zevran over, giving them the all clear, Bucky helps Zevran dress in the clothes he'd arrived in. The doctor mentions a follow-up and he'll make sure that he goes to it, just to be sure.]

Ready?

[They'll have to take the EN-Line back, he hasn't gone home since Zevran passed out, but if his elf gets tired, he'll just carry him.]

Ready, amor.

[He still feels sluggish and not at 100%, but he leans on Bucky to keep himself steady and laces their fingers together. He's quiet as they leave and he pulls Bucky's arm close, nearly hugging it as they walk.]

I'm sorry. [He says it quietly, his ears and his head droop down in shame. He never wanted to put Bucky through so much pain. He missed this man so much. There was a moment in time where he thought he might never see him again. In truth he honestly thought the final battle would have killed him. Bucky had been on his mind the entire time, and it was those thoughts that kept him going.]

I didn't want to leave.

[Bucky considers just picking him up. There's no shame in being exhausted, in him carrying him because he's tired, but he waits until they're outside medical before stopping him. He turns to look at Zevran, then, brows scrunched up. Bucky's fingers trace his jaw, the length of his ear, through his hair before he tilts his chin up.]

I know that. You can't go feelin' guilty for how I was when you woke up.

[He tips forward to kiss him.] I'm better now and so are you. We're together. [Bucky slips an arm around Zevran's back, and then crouching down, he swoops him up gently. Bridal style, pressed to his chest.] The rest doesn't matter.

[His head tilts into that soft touch. Oh how he missed this, missed him, and everything about him. His head nods in response as his eyes turn glassy, but nothing falls from them. He swallows down whatever he is feeling. Like Bucky said, they are together now and that's all that matters.

Before he could say anything else he pushes his lips against his and feels his legs leave the ground, and strong arms around him. He nearly forgot how it felt to have this and he makes a small 'ah' in surprise.]

[Bucky maneuvers through traffic, careful not to bounce the elf too much. The doctor had cleared him, told him that Zevran was in good health, but he didn't want to risk doing something that might hurt him.]

You sure you're alright? Never heard you, well, you're kinda talkative, babe. There I said it.

[He's smiling down at him, only looking up when he needs to.]

Cat got your tongue?

I apologize.

[He says quickly. He didn't notice, he is too busy just staring and taking all of him in again. It's been so long...

He smiles as leans just slightly to get a better look at his man.]

I have many more story to tell now, would you like to hear one now or at home?

Don't apologize. You've been through a lot. You don't have to talk

[Bucky draws him closer to his chest. There's a million things Bucky wants to say. That he's glad he's alright, that they're together. He had never imagined feeling this strongly about anyone else, but now that he does, he can't stand to lose it.]

But if you did, I'd listen. [He hums, in thought.] Wait until we get home so Sugar can hear it, too. She's missed you and will like hearing your voice.

I think some of these stories might scar our little fuzzy one.

[He chuckles as he watches Bucky and listening to his heart beat against his chest. It's odd not hearing himself talk. He doesn't like it. He makes him feel awkward and when he feels awkward he just feels like he needs to break the silence anyway he can.]

I saw a 6 titted woman and it was not as exciting as it sounds.

[Wow. That was horrible.]

It was a darkspawn-- or well it had been a dwarf at one time. It was awful. Tentacles everywhere.

[Bucky's brows shoot up.]

Scar Sugar? What about scarring me.

[He's teasing, obviously, but a six titted woman sounds unbelievable.]

Are you joking with me or did this really happen?

[As the EN-Line car rolls to a stop, time moving faster than he'd realized, Bucky steps off and makes his way through the crowd towards the road. Not long after that and they'll be turning onto the dirt road that leads to their farm.]

I wish it didn't. Like I said I'm scarred for life now. I need to cry in your bosom to make it better.

[He cracks a grin as he says that, and then notices where they are. His eyes get big as he takes it all in again. It's been month since he was on this road.]

I missed this place.

Go right ahead.

[Maybe if he flexed right, it'd give Zevran something to cry into. Bucky shifts Zevran in his arms so that he can look around better.]

It missed you. Kinda feels like it knows how long you were gone. How long you really gone.

[As Bucky shifts him, Zevran looks about. He can see that nothing has changed, and he is glad for that. The fact that nothing is on fire and the only thing he could smell were fruit trees and flowers is a rather pleasant thing.]

I'm glad it didn't change.

[He starts to shift now. He places an arm behind Bucky's shoulders.]

I can walk, mi leon. I'm fine.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Every single night pray the sun will rise

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject