away with us he's going, the solemn-eyed.

[nightmarist]

Who: Residents of St. Monmouth & OPEN to their various guests
When: Throughout February
Where: St. Monmouth in Kauto R2
What: The Backstreet Boys move into their magical farm of dreams.
Warnings: Look to the subject headers.
Notes: This is a mingle/catch-all log. Start your own threads! Tag around!

[Ronan didn't hesitate. Almost as soon as they arrived, he was making arrangements and picking out a plot of land. No payment necessary as long as he agreed to feed the locals? Fine. Perfect. He'd signed whatever he had to and picked out his favorite place in the lot, then he'd laid down in the grass and dreamt.

When he closed his eyes, he wasn't sure what he would build. The idea of "home" conjured up so many images in his mind. He thought of the Barns, of course, but also of Henrietta as a whole. He thought of Monmouth Manufacturing and dusty old books and the scent of mint. He thought of St. Agnes and its magnificent stained glass and the cramped coziness of Adam's bedroom above the office. He found Cabeswater sprouting up in the strangest places as the landscape shifted around him, spilling out of the walls and claiming rooms all for its own. Corridors and staircases emerged out of his memories, leading him through a maze of rooms both familiar and not-quite. In the end, when Ronan stepped outside to take a look at his work, he found he'd made himself a palace of nostalgia. Then he imagined a set of house keys, turned the lock of the front door, and woke up.

Ronan woke with his head resting on the welcome mat, sprawled across the front steps, gazing up at the spire of what he would dub St. Monmouth. It would be the main building of several he'd end up creating. Their new home.

Like God, he didn't rest for several days. Every time he shut his eyes, he devoted himself to dreaming something new. A farm needed animals and crops and barns and feed and equipment. Home needed streams and fish and bridges and flower gardens and glittering lights. He let his imagination run wild, and this meant that his dream things often emerged strange and senseless, but that reminded him of his father, which made the place more beautiful.

When he was finally satisfied - although not completely finished - he invited the others to join him.]

Comments

[deconstruct]

[ it's good andyr isn't looking for reassurance, just truth, which is why he's asking at all. ronan doesn't lie, nor does he sugar coat anything. andyr wakes up feeling out of place in the air around him, and he needs something that sounds like reality, not a bandaid or a lullaby. his fingertips still trace, down the line of ronan's jaw, as if there's answers in the structure of it. ]

'Happy'? [ no, that isn't quite it. you can be some kind of happy and still not have everything fitting the way it's supposed to. which is what brings him to what he means, he thinks. ] 'Right'.

[ is this good, what they are? is it helping, or just rotting the both of them away? ronan and adam. all he'd wanted from that night in the tent was to give ronan that one piece of perfection he'd been yearning for, and it feels like he's done nothing but ruin it. unsurprisingly - he wasn't made for things like this. he loves him, adores him, achingly so, but andyr's a rusty weapon that feels more himself hurting than he does healing. ]

[nightmarist]

[This is a very difficult question. Ronan sits up slowly, taking the hand that explores him and bringing it to his lips so he can kiss Andyr's fingertips.]

We're going against everything I ever believed in.

[There's an ugly truth. Still, Ronan's lips skip across Andyr's palm and down to his wrist.]

Practically, I don't think it matters that much. I was already going to Hell for being what I am.

[Gay. Promiscuous. Self-destructive. A monster formed from darkness. A god invading God's territory. He has seen the Devil with his own eyes. He is being devoured by a demon. There's no "right" with him, for all his struggling. He's inherently evil.]

And I love you. I don't want to stop.

[deconstruct]

[ it isn't a surprising truth. he'd known this about ronan before they'd started this, they both had, and still, they did it. cruel, really, on his and adam's part, but here they are. ronan sits up, and andyr wants to curl around him, scooting closer, at least, to feel his warmth and soak it up. he talks about himself like he's something wrong, and andyr's never been able to understand that. not when he's seen what humans are left in the world. how anything about him could be called evil, andyr just can't understand. ]

You have a kinder, brighter soul than anyone I've known. [ andyr tells him, thumb caressing over ronan's cheek, as he leans in to touch their foreheads together. ] Wherever you go, I wanna go with you.

[ hell included. it isn't as if he hasn't already lived through man's best attempt to recreate it on earth. if those are the souls that make it to heaven, though, and ronan is the one that's damned, andyr'd rather follow him there. ]

I love you. [ andyr whispers to him, and wraps his arms around ronan's sides, squeezing up against him. swallowing thick, it takes a moment or two, but he eventually tells him. ] I'm sorry we did this to you.

[nightmarist]

You didn't do anything to me.

[Ronan doesn't waste a second in denying that statement. It would be absolutely absurd to blame his sins on another person. Every moment of life is a test from God. These temptations are scattered along everyone's path, and it's the individual's job to ignore them and carry on.

Ronan is flawed because he can't do that. It was up to no one else but him. He lost Adam's love because he hadn't been able to wait and he'd given himself to Andyr without stopping to think. Because of that, he'll never have the kind of eternal love he'd always wanted. He'll live in sin. He'll die and rot in Hell. He wasn't helpless. He knew all of these things when he made his choices.

He is not kind or bright. He is weak and hurtful. He thinks of the rotting tree in Cabeswater and believes that, surely, is what his soul looks like.]

Is that what's keeping you up at night? Andyr... I'm the one who came to you.

[He brushes Andyr's lips with a soft kiss.]

[deconstruct]

A lot of stuff keeps me up at night. [ Andyr smiles against the kiss, somewhat sadly, a thumb smoothing across Ronan's cheek. ] You're one of the few things that helps me sleep.

[ he knows Ronan chose to do what they'd done in that tent together, that was both of them, but Andyr doesn't believe that act had been what broke them. Knows Ronan believes he's being some kind of punished, because he believes he's cursed by his nature alone, all the other bits of human mistakes just give him fuel for the fire. There's no point arguing that with him, when not even Adam could convince him otherwise.

The blame Andyr assigns himself in this is something more current, something entirely his own choice. ]

I wanted you to have that life, and you almost did. [ Andyr whispers to him, palms framing Ronan's cheeks delicately. ] All I had to do was stay the fuck away. I should've just left and made you two figure it out. Now, its this.

[ some kind of farce of affection, Adam trying to make Ronan happy, Ronan trying to please Adam despite feeling like he'd already lost him, and Andyr, somewhere in between, being the tool they hurt each other with.

He wonders, maybe, if he should just go. Slip out a window at night and vanish into another district, force the two of them to mend. They're all each other needs and all each other wants - Andyr'd thought he was trying to help them, but in truth, he was just being selfish and weak, lying to himself until he could believe he was actually needed. ] What've I actually ever given you, besides a crutch?

[ why does ronan keep telling him he loves him when all his existence has done is take from him? Ruin the one small piece of a chase he had for a happy life. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan's fingers caress Andyr's cheek before his palm settles against it.]

This.

[He can't be vulnerable with Adam. With Adam, he has to be strong at all times, to clench his jaw and hold his tongue and fight like hell not to let his terror show. He is Adam's devoted worshiper, faithful servant, invincible protector. In the few moments he's slipped and allowed his weakness to show, it's only ever drawn Adam's ire. How angry would Adam be right now if Ronan had confessed these concerns about the state of his soul?]

I don't think I'll ever be what Adam wants me to be. But you... never asked. You never asked me to be anything else.

[deconstruct]

[ andyr leans into Ronan's hand, eyes slipping closed, and a sigh breathed of near silent, feather light. No matter how guilty he may feel, Andyr will always want this, always chase this feeling Ronan gives him. ]

I want you to be happy. [ that's all he'd ever think to ask Ronan of. Andyr has much simpler wants, doesn't expect to have a future, or ask for anyone to change anything about themselves for him, when he's such an impermanent thing. He doesn't even belong to himself, how could he ask someone else to alter themselves when he can't do it himself? ]

I want... [ Andyr starts, hesitant, and scoots closer, tugging at Ronan's legs, part pulling one of them into the other's lap, though it's hard to tell who he's meaning to do what right now. ] I want, if you don't have much time left... I want you to go with memories of being happy. Having a good life.

[ not a full one, because Ronan is so young, and still has so much he could do, but he looks at him and thinks of posie and Mikal, with five year timers on their lives. He wants them to live the most they can, in that short span. ]

[nightmarist]

[Ronan lets Andyr maneuver him, body shifting to curl around him in response. He hates to hear Andyr talk like this, as if Ronan could have had anything and Andyr is the only obstacle in the way of that. It isn't true. Ronan ruined himself. He ruined his damned self. He never had a chance because he has always been Ronan Lynch. He was always going to wreck the good in his life. He was always going to die alone.

To get married, to have a family, to live a long and peaceful life... These were delusions.]

Stop.

[There's a burning behind his eyes, a squeezing at his heart.]

No one gets everything they ever wanted. This is what I have now. And it's different, but it's not worse. And you can't take it back.

[deconstruct]

[ they're a bit of an odd tangle, one leg on top of the other and the opposite slid underneath, but it gets them pressed close, enough that ronan's a solid, familiar form against his chest, and andyr can nose against his favorite spot, just where ronan's neck meets his shoulder.

ronan tells him it's different, not worse, and andyr can't help wanting to call that a lie. he'd had such a beautiful vision for his life alone with adam, and now it's gone for him. but ronan doesn't lie. whether it's something really true, or something he'd convincing himself of, andyr won't pry at him for it. neither of them can change what's done. ]

I don't want to take it back. Ever. [ part of the problem, perhaps, because he'll have to. as much as he wants to stay with them for as long as possible, andyr won't be able to live with himself until he sees the others at home through the raid. a raid he'd figured he'd die in, but this... with something real waiting for him... maybe he'll find a way. having nothing to live for makes one invincible, but having something to return to makes one an insane kind of desperate. ]

If they find my world first, before you guys go... would you wait for me? [ andyr asks quietly, against ronan's neck. ] If I can go and come back, like the other worlds?

[ andyr knows going back home with ronan will most likely mean watching him die, but that he can weather. the idea that he didn't have every last moment at ronan's side that he could've had, he can't. ]

[nightmarist]

[That question is unexpected, at first, until the full meaning of it dawns on Ronan. It means that Andyr wants to stay. That this arrangement isn't temporary for him, that he sees a place for himself with Adam and Ronan. A place that he might want to stay forever.

By way of answer, Ronan tilts his chin to catch Andyr's mouth, kissing him deeply. Soft and persistent. He takes a breath without fully pulling away, and kisses again, and again. His hands press at Andyr's back, holding him close as if he might slip away otherwise. God, what a question. Ronan whispers:]

I would follow you.

[As if there could be any other option!]

Asshole, I'd never leave you to face those monsters alone.

[deconstruct]

[ it does still feel temporary for him, but this is andyr admitting he wishes it could be more. that he wants to belong at ronan's side for as long as he can. he's getting greedy, he knows, but if he was lucky enough to find ronan lynch and adam parrish at all, perhaps, just maybe, he can be lucky enough to keep them.

andyr kisses him with all that pressed into his lips, in the sharp, shaking inhale he takes in, and the hands at his cheeks that want to hold him close and never let go. ]

I love you. [ an aching whisper, when ronan tells him he'd follow him, and it's like telling someone you'd walk with them into hell. that's what it would be, for ronan, if even a single person learned about his abilities. not even the entire resistance could keep ronan safe, if the houses new something like him existed. taking ronan into his world would mean truly damning him, to a fact likely worse than even andyr'd suffered. ] I can't take you there.

[ he adores him, so very much, for the willingness to do it, but he can't let him follow. not while still claiming to love him. ]

Just wait for me, okay? I'll come back for you.