Kaworu Nagisa // Tabris (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
braceforimpact) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thisavrou_log2016-08-30 09:36 pm
braceforimpact) wrote in thisavrou_log2016-08-30 09:36 pm
Entry tags:
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk [Closed]
Who: Kaworu Nagisa and Frisk
When: August 29
Where: Moro deck halls
What: Still upset about the loss of Chara, Frisk breaks a rule. Kaworu opens up to them about Shinji Ikari.
Warnings: Emotions, I guess.
It's not like Kaworu has any reason to return to his room. He hasn't, not in weeks. Not since late July--but he still finds himself walking past its door every couple of days, sometimes multiple times the same day. Like he's on autopilot, and the memories steering him through the halls are unable to let go the faded ghost of familiar comforts.
Comforts?
Mm. The familiar, anyway.
But he pauses, as he usually doesn't, his hands in his pockets, and looks at the door for a moment before continuing on. He wonders who sleeps there now. Is it the same people who were there when he left? Do Jasper and her kittens still occupy the floor at strange hours?
Do any of them care that he's been gone?
He assumes not.
Maybe tomorrow he'll remember not to walk by here again.
When: August 29
Where: Moro deck halls
What: Still upset about the loss of Chara, Frisk breaks a rule. Kaworu opens up to them about Shinji Ikari.
Warnings: Emotions, I guess.
It's not like Kaworu has any reason to return to his room. He hasn't, not in weeks. Not since late July--but he still finds himself walking past its door every couple of days, sometimes multiple times the same day. Like he's on autopilot, and the memories steering him through the halls are unable to let go the faded ghost of familiar comforts.
Comforts?
Mm. The familiar, anyway.
But he pauses, as he usually doesn't, his hands in his pockets, and looks at the door for a moment before continuing on. He wonders who sleeps there now. Is it the same people who were there when he left? Do Jasper and her kittens still occupy the floor at strange hours?
Do any of them care that he's been gone?
He assumes not.
Maybe tomorrow he'll remember not to walk by here again.
no subject
There is a short silence while Kaworu digests that sentiment. Even he can sense there's something wrong with it.
"Of course you do. What else would you do? Die?" His mouth twists a little--somewhere between amusement and displeasure.
But he makes no effort to detach Frisk from his front. Instead, he stares down the hallway, over Frisk's head, his brow furrowing deeply as he stews on that thought and ignoring the snot and spit smeared across his chest and shoulder.
"Lilim suffers to live, but will do anything to survive. Mankind clings to hope, living off the memory of past happiness. But it is new experiences through which hope is born and happy memories can be made."
So... you might as well live, is what he's saying. Poorly.
no subject
"I wasn't ever able t' die."
Not really, not the way they'd wanted to so long ago. Not the way they've pondered in brief moments of despair, before they remembered it wasn't just their life that the SOUL in their chest carried with it anymore.
Their life isn't theirs any longer. They have no right to be so selfish.
The rest of it...Frisk hears it, mostly. It's hard to understand in their current frame of mind, but Frisk has becomes used to Kaworu's quirks. The unique way he says things, the habit of listening carefully and thinking over the words he chose, it makes his meaning a little more clear.
Live, and find more people. There's still a future waiting for them.
Stay determined...right?
"I...I'm tryin'. I-I really am, I know I c-can't...I can't go back. But it hurts so much...!"
Frisk pulls back finally, wiping at their eyes and nose before looking up at Kaworu with a desperate expression.
"How do you...th' boy you're waiting for, he's th' most important, right? A-an' you--you never even had him here, I couldn't even get you b-back to him...an' this timeline's so long! How do...h-how..."
Their head bows, and Frisk shrinks in on themself.
"'S it 'cuz of who you are? A-am I...'m just broken, right?"
no subject
Frisk would have done better to simply draw a knife and bury it in his gut.
Kaworu pushes Frisk away from him, his red stare suddenly full of hurt and confusion and something else, something undefined--a flash of almost human emotion. But then--
"You still don't understand." His tone is cold. He knows how long it's been. He knows too well. And it was fine, was even actually tolerable--even with this impatient, clinging itch, this cloying ache, this empty feeling in his hands--until Frisk shoved it in his face. A reminder to make it flare it up bigger and more tortuous--a feeling that once brought up, can't be forgotten.
"You suffer, and you can continue suffering. But you can also change. You can seek new experiences and build new memories. In time, you can create a new happiness."
That's what being human is.
no subject
But nothing further comes.
Frisk's eyes are wide, tears brimming yet again at the corners, but they don't move. They just stare, the pain Kaworu shows etching harshly into themself with fresh pain and guilt. Of course they just assumed, just thought because they didn't see it that it wasn't there, didn't think that he would show his pain differently, that he could be hurting so badly and still seem 'normal'. He's been hurting the whole time and they never did anything. Disgusting, selfish, horrible...
And even still, he tries to help. It's clumsy, the medicine bitter, but he still offers them a way out. Points to something they can still strive for, still hope for. Even if it doesn't fix things or entirely fill the gaping hole left in their heart...
Frisk sniffles, trembling, and bows their head.
"I...I'll try."
no subject
"You will." Not try. But do. "That's why you're alive, isn't it?"
It's not even rhetorical. It may be relatively supportive, yes--but it's very, very literal.
no subject
"Mm...mmm."
Determination. It's what fuels them, drives them, what has kept them moving forward their whole life. Whether to take care of their Mama, or survive home after home after home, or climb a mountain no one returns from, or to come back from death itself until they find a happy ending...it's etched into their very SOUL, glowing red and strong.
Their pain...it isn't important. Not when they have something waiting for them to return to.
no subject
Frisk's nonanswer is not very edifying. He and Frisk stand, unspeaking, for several seconds in the long and vacant hallway, staring at each other as if each is waiting for the other's initiative.
For a minute, the silence hangs between them. It is an empty silence in an empty hall.
Then Kaworu does something he's never done before.
He volunteers information. About himself.
"... do you know what it's like to be loved?" His voice is quiet.
He is wearing a new expression, one that is subtly unlike his usual penetrating stare, his familiar knowing gaze and understanding looks. But it is knowing. And tired. And bitter. And sad.
Maybe it's even human.
"When I was alive... everything was a new discovery. But I didn't enjoy any of it." He is looking down at Frisk still. His eyes are partially lidded, but he is looking down at them, reflectively... without looking through them, or past them. His heart is right here, held between them right now. In the invisible space between his form and Frisk's, his true heart hangs suspended--and yet it is very, very far away.
"There was no meaning to living, and so the experience of living was empty." His gaze finally drops off Frisk to stare, intently, into and through the floor. Then he looks back up at them--and an intense sincerity slowly grows in his red eyes. And a faint smile grows out of his barren expression.
"That is why I want to see him again." His smile grows, wide and strange and knowing, just as Frisk is used to seeing on him. "To meet someone like that again... it is my fondest and only wish." To feel the way he felt before. Like he mattered. Like he was loved. Like he was alive.
For that one final second, held tightly in Shinji's merciful hands--his life was not painful or empty after all.
no subject
But then he speaks.
Frisk startles, ever so slightly, and their head raises slowly. The expression that meets Kaworu is timid and vulnerable, as if they expect to be struck or shouted down at any moment, but still open, reaching...
This time, there are no barbs to strike deeply.
They step forward slowly, once, then twice. Start to reach, pause. This time when they move to embrace Kaworu, it's slow and deliberate. Not a desperate clinging, but sympathetic, understanding.
"...yeah."
Their face bows down, and though the dampness left on his shoulder from their crying fit is uncomfortable they make no protest of it.
"I...I didn't have anyone, 'til I fell. Mama was...was gone, an' no one at the houses ever cared. They jus' yelled 'n blamed me, 'cuz I wasn't...I wasn't good enough." A small sniffle, and they hold Kaworu a little tighter. "But then, all th' monsters...they were so nice. Mom, an' Sans an' Papyrus...even though I'm a human, an'...an' they needed my SOUL t' be free, th-they still..."
A quiet sob escapes them.
"I didn't have a reason t' live, b'fore then."
A sense of...something goes through them. Strength, resolve, it bolsters their tiny frame just a little bit.
"We...we can do it. We will."
no subject
That once was everything to him.
Frisk's hug is not timid, and their cheek presses damp and warm against the sticky wetness of his uniform. Again, he is being embraced, held; again Frisk reaches out to him instead of pushing him away, his pain acknowledged, and their determination rings off his own forced helplessness like a tolling bell.
It's not the same. Kaworu knows it's not. Frisk had a mother, had someone who loved them and wanted them to live.
But Kaworu reaches out--awkwardly at first, to be sure--and wraps his arms around Frisk's shoulders in an embrace that quickly grows tighter, surer, stronger. It's not a very good hug, to be honest, squeezing the back of their head and smashing their face somewhat against his ribs.
But it's another first: he hugs Frisk back.
He wonders if this feels like hope.
no subject
And suplexes.
But they hold on, squeezing Kaworu tighter in return, taking comfort in his embrace and hoping that maybe he can do the same from theirs. It's so hard to tell, what they can give back to him, but maybe...
After a few minutes, though, they pat at his back to try and get his attention.
"U-um, you're smushin' my nose..."
no subject
Kaworu lets go quickly, and every bit as awkwardly as you'd expect from someone who had never given a hug in his life.
"...sorry." He at least sounds genuinely apologetic, but also glances to the side in saying it, clearly uncomfortable now.
He feels... weird. Light, but also warm. Also dry-throated. And nauseous.
no subject
"'S okay. You didn't mean to."
They watch his expression with a muted, curious expression. That look...
"Are you okay?"
no subject
After a second, he takes his hand back, but instead of letting it drop to his side, he lifts it and turns it palm up, looking at it. Then he looks at Frisk. He's smiling again, at least--that same wide, eerie, static smile he so often wears.
"Are you?"
no subject
When he pulls his hand back they let their hand drop, for a moment worried that maybe they had some something wrong again...but no. He's just...they're not sure what. But they're pretty sure it isn't bad.
They blink, considering his question for a few long moments with a quiet, calm mask. Both of them wearing a face that their worlds expect of them.
Frisk's breaks first, with a smile that has more feeling than they've been able to muster in quite a while.
"'M better."
no subject
"You should go. We can talk later--for now we shouldn't be seen talking."
Frisk and Toriel both live on Moro deck, after all. The chances of getting caught talking are not inconsequential. And while he is reasonably certain that Toriel could not be persuaded like him any less for that...
Suddenly, it matters a lot more to him.
no subject
Frisk steps away from Kaworu hastily, looking embarrassed, and starts to hurry past before turning back to him.
"Um...thank you, Kaworu."
And with that, they hurry off once again.