[closed] Let's talk more about feelings

[daintylegs]

Who: Tailgate and Cyclonus
When: May 30th
Where: Observation Deck
What: Tailgate asks for Cyclonus' hand in marriage.
Warnings: Drama

To say Tailgate was nervous was an understatement. He was so nervous and excited that it should be combined into one word. Nervousited? Ultra Magnus wasn't there, but Tailgate sure could hear the sound of him frowning from somewhere beyond the multi-verse. Tailgate wonders if maybe he should have asked a few more people about the best way to approach this. Maybe Rewind or Megatron or even Riptide. But in the end, he decided to do it his way.

Okay, so he was operating under the assumption that Getaway hadn't been lying about the ritual.

Step 1: Act of Intimacy (The Observation Deck)
Step 2: Act of Disclosure (They already had this covered as far as Tailgate was concerned).
Step 3: Act of Profferance (He had just the thing).

And step 4 was up to Cyclonus. There was a special thing he was supposed to say afterwards, and he hoped he could get it right. But first he needed Cyclonus to say yes. Surely he would, he figured, because Cyclonus had always made his feelings clear in that very direct way of his.

Now all he had to do was wait for Cyclonus to arrive.

Comments

[tsunclonus]

It takes Cyclonus awhile to arrive at the Observation Deck. It takes him awhile to get much of anywhere lately, taking slow careful steps to avoid the chance of his legs giving out on him, one hand always brushing the wall. Occasionally he even has to pause to lean against it for awhile when his energy drops particularly low.

He still prefers to get around on his own, however. Unlike Tailgate, he doesn't enjoy the thought of being carried around in public.

He takes a moment to rest right before walking onto the Observation Deck, so he can greet Tailgate standing tall and proud. Smiling softly, he moves forward to touch a hand to his shoulder. He's been trying to be more physically affectionate lately, and to spend more time with Tailgate, given their... potentially limited time remaining.

It's selfish of him, he thinks. Perhaps better to distance himself so that it hurts less if he truly dies and doesn't resurge. But he can't quite bring himself to do that.

[daintylegs]

"Cyclonus!" Tailgate beamed up at him and was quick to grab his hand. Despite Cyclonus' best efforts, Tailgate's first instinct is to fuss and fret over him. "Come and sit down! I have something for you. And... And I wanted... Er, nevermind, one step at a time."

He bounces, barely able to contain his own excitement as he, gently, leads Cyclonus over to their spot by the window. They didn't need anything special set up here; the view of space was all the beauty and romance they needed. As far as Cyclonus was concerned, if Tailgate had his way, this would have a lot more shiny things involved.

[tsunclonus]

Cyclonus shakes his head slightly at Tailgate's fussing, but he indulgently puts up with it, his small smile never slipping from his face. If it makes Tailgate happy... then as long as it doesn't involve carrying him around, he'll put up with it.

"What has you so excited?" he says as he settles down, a bit stiffly. Primus, he feels old.

He watches Tailgate bounce. His friend was always excitable, but he seems even more rambunctious than usual today.

[daintylegs]

Okay Tailgate! Game face! He considered maybe waiting a little bit, but decided that there was no time like now. He kept his hold on Cyclonus' hand and looked up at him with the most serious expression he could muster.

Tailgate takes a deep metaphorical breath and begins his explanation. "Today I wanted to ask you something. Something very important. But first I'll start by initiating the Conjunx Ritus, because I want to do it right this time, and with the right person. We're here in the place we spend the most time together, and I figured we could skip the Act of Disclosure because you already know everything about me, but I will say that I love you a lot, but I don't think that's really a secret, and the third act, the Act of Profferance, I give you this."

He lets go of Cyclonus' hand and picks up a small wrapped package on the ground. He unwrapped it and showed him the handmade horn he had spent weeks making. It was, more or less, the same gift he'd given before, but getting a gift for someone like Cyclonus was always tricky. Besides, this meant something to both of them.

"And the fourth act, the Act of Devotion..." He looked up at Cyclonus. His Cyclonus expectantly, his visor bright and hopeful.

[tsunclonus]

Cyclonus probably shouldn't look as stunned as he does. After all, he knows that Tailgate cares about him deeply - Tailgate cares so much about people - and he remembers his friend mentioning the Rites when they were fleeing the results of Getaway's machinations. And yet he's still stunned.

Warmth flows through him, his weakening spark still managing to pulse brighter with Tailgate's words. How can he not be touched when Tailgate's claiming to want to spend the rest of his life with him? But-

Leaning forward, he presses a kiss against Tailgate's forehead, his hand resting over the new horn.

"Tailgate, I cannot expresses how honored I am that you would choose me as your Conjunx Endura. There is no-one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with. Know that I care for and respect you deeply, that I would gladly give my life for you..."

He gently pushes the horn back towards Tailgate.

"But I cannot accept."

[daintylegs]

That wasn't what Tailgate was expecting. He thought things were going great; that Cyclonus was building up to accepting his love and doing some kind of act of devotion, something he hadn't really put any real thought into. That was Cyclonus' concern. He wasn't expecting a rejection, as kind and affectionate as it was.

So he just stood there, too stunned to react to the kiss, his gift still in his hands. It felt like little pieces of the world had crumbled away, leaving him to flounder around as those little pieces became bigger pieces and crushed him under the weight of his own hopeful dreams and expectations. Cyclonus had rejected him. Tailgate had told him that he loved him, and he, Cyclonus, said no. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.

He could only ask one thing, as his visor begins to glow with heartbreak and distress.

"Why not?"

That was a lie, there were other things he wanted to ask, to say, too. "Why would you say all that, and then say no? Is it something I did? Because I... I can make it better if you just tell me what it is."

[tsunclonus]

When Tailgate's visor begins to brighten in distress, Cyclonus is quick to gather his hands in his own, pressing his face to them as if praying. He offlines his optics, his moment of cowardice, not wanting to see Tailgate's pain. Sometimes things that are necessary hurt, but wounds heal.

"Never think that this is because of something you did. There's nothing you can do to make it better, because you're already better. You are a better person than me and you deserve a better. I cannot be who you need."

[daintylegs]

"That's stupid." Tailgate said, though Cyclonus was successful in calming him down, and his visor dimmed sadly. This contact was a good kind of contact, it wasn't often that Cyclonus got so touchy and affectionate. The feeling was extremely bittersweet.

"If I thought you weren't what I needed, I wouldn't have asked you." The idea that he was a better person than Cyclonus was a ridiculous one. He wasn't a better person at all. He was clingy, pathetic liar who wanted so desperately to fit in with everyone else that he was willing to give up his own integrity for it. That Cyclonus had found anything in that worth valuing had been one of the most uplifting things in Tailgate's life.

But this wasn't a moment to be drowning in his own self-loathing.

"I don't want to beg, but please reconsider. We can be happy together, I know we can." He felt awful the moment he said it. Cyclonus said no, and he should accept that. There he was being selfish and needy again, but he couldn't let this go without a fight.

[tsunclonus]

"You're young," Cyclonus says. No matter how old Tailgate's body was, in experience he was still so young. And Cyclonus has never felt older or more tired than right now, and clearly that means he knows best.

"I am happy with you," he says, the words finally spilling out. "You are a light in a very dark life, and I promise to be your friend for as long as you'll have me. But to be conjunx... that is sacred. That is forever. And I won't let you tie yourself to me like that."

It's for your own good, Tailgate. You don't need to be dragged down, chained to a rusty anchor like him.

[daintylegs]

Whatever soft words Cyclonus used, it still didn't fully soften the blow. Tailgate wanted to run away and cry in some dark corner, away from all of this. It took all of his self-control not to burst out sobbing right there, because if he started, then nothing Cyclonus could do would make it stop.

He knew in his heart that Cyclonus was completely wrong about everything, but he could feel the fighting energy he previously had drain from him. So that was it. They were done. Friendship was an immeasurably wonderful thing to have, but at that very moment it felt like a consolation prize.

"So that's it then. You won't change your mind."

Tailgate lowered his head and pulled his hands away away.

"Fine."

Unable to be here any longer, Tailgate abruptly transformed and veered wildly away, his tires screeching angrily against the metal.

So much for everything.

[tsunclonus]

"I won't."

Cyclonus doesn't try to hold Tailgate back. His friend is feeling hurt, and likely angry, so he'll give him his space. He'll try to contact him later after he's had some time to think about things. He'll see if Tailgate would rather he move to a different room.

For once he doesn't look at the view. He simply sits with his optics dark and tries to ignore the ache in his chest.

He'd done the right thing, surely he had. So he'd hurt Tailgate now - how it hurt him to hurt Tailgate - but in the future when he finds someone better than Cyclonus, someone as good as he is, then hopefully he'll understand.

It will be worth it.

Sometimes necessary things hurt.