The best thing about Miles being dead, Ivan decides, is that he's left the entire bar unstaffed as far as he knows. Which is why, later that night once he's done his work and collected Elizabeth's hair and escorted her home properly, Ivan returns to it. The maple mead is tempting, as is the unconsciousness and killer hangover that follows it, but the last time he'd had some it had ended in him and Miles lying on the floor talking about their feelings and-- no. Ivan doesn't want to be reminded of that.
So instead he settles down with two bottles of wine behind the bar and doesn't even bother with a glass at the prospect of facing a life without Miles in it. His cousin's always been there, even when Ivan would swear up and down that he wants a life that's free of trouble, and therefore free of Miles. How's he supposed to return home knowing he'll be breaking his Uncle and his Aunt's hearts and he doesn't even have anything to show for it? This entire thing is stupid, Ivan decides, opening up the first bottle and starting in on it.
He might have wanted to outlive his cousin, but he never thought Miles would actually go and get himself killed. Somehow Miles always seemed like he could outrun the truth of their family -- that everyone dies, in painful and horrific ways. And he didn't even do it on Barrayar. They're not home, he thinks, it shouldn't apply. It wasn't fair. It isn't right.
"Fuck," he says later, halfway through the first bottle, the heel of his palm pressed against his face as he keeps wishing for the alcohol to do its damn job.
I'M PUTTING THIS HERE FOR LACK OF ANYWHERE ELSE shh don't tell
So instead he settles down with two bottles of wine behind the bar and doesn't even bother with a glass at the prospect of facing a life without Miles in it. His cousin's always been there, even when Ivan would swear up and down that he wants a life that's free of trouble, and therefore free of Miles. How's he supposed to return home knowing he'll be breaking his Uncle and his Aunt's hearts and he doesn't even have anything to show for it? This entire thing is stupid, Ivan decides, opening up the first bottle and starting in on it.
He might have wanted to outlive his cousin, but he never thought Miles would actually go and get himself killed. Somehow Miles always seemed like he could outrun the truth of their family -- that everyone dies, in painful and horrific ways. And he didn't even do it on Barrayar. They're not home, he thinks, it shouldn't apply. It wasn't fair. It isn't right.
"Fuck," he says later, halfway through the first bottle, the heel of his palm pressed against his face as he keeps wishing for the alcohol to do its damn job.