thisavrou_log | because the past is just a good-bye

because the past is just a good-bye

Who: Cole and Varric
When: Not too long after he arrives
Where: Elfhaus and then ADVENTURE!
What: running across a field of flowers and then twirl-hugging
Warnings: None... yet

[To be around Solas all the time is hard. The pain he carries inside of him howls all day and night, begging for release, and Solas keeps it chained up in the dark. Sometimes Cole can hardly stand to look at him, to listen to him. He can still hear the screaming, he just doesn't tell him anymore. Neriel is just as loud, and Cole doesn't tell him because he isn't ready to listen. He just wishes they would both let it all free.

All of this is why seeing Varric is so very important! And why he anxiously paces around the house waiting for him.

Varric too has pain, but he doesn't starve it and make it worse. He spreads light to others to keep his own burning bright and Cole likes that. He helps people the way Cole wishes he knew how. His words form themselves into just the right shape to bloom into other peoples hearts. That's what he needs right now, to see Varric and feel the warmth he brings. He doesn't worry about him not being 'his'— a Varric is a Varric wherever you go. He knows because he called him 'Kid' just right. Only a Varric can do that.

He stops to pause in front of the mirror by the door, tugs hesitantly at his leathers and adjusts the tilt of his hat. He's not sure what compels him, why would he care what he looks like? It's not like he's wearing a mask.

Just when he thinks that maybe Varric won't come at all, he hears a solid tread left-righting towards the house. He bursts outside to greet him, not wanting a second more to pass between not-seeing and seeing him.]

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[It was hard to forget how this very path once led to a different mage. Varric was all too familiar with the woods and trees of Kauto, having spent more than handful of nights sitting with Anders, reliving a friendship he had long thought lost.

If this were one of his books, he might have written that the journey he took now paralleled that old one. Once more, he made his way to a friend he had lost, though certainly not in as violent of a way as he lost Anders. And unlike the abomination, Varric had never felt even an ounce of animosity toward the spirit-boy.

The reason why was clear enough as he approached the house and Cole appeared. It had been just over six months since he'd last seen the boy, and yet it felt like eons. Thisavrou had given him much, had brought Hawke back to him after his homeworld had ripped her away from him. Cole, though... Cole was nearly as important to him as she was.

Strange, how he condemned one spirit, yet hoisted another up. But those thoughts were for another, far more troubled time.]

Good to see you, kid. [He lifted his hand in a short wave. His words weren't much (though he would never actually admit to being stricken speechless by the boy), but they were filled with the longing of those six months.]

[As soon as Varric greets him, Cole flashes out of existence and reappears right next to him. Walking just takes too much time! He rocks back and forth on his feet, joy putting a little rhythm in his heels and toes. Varric always makes things seem a little brighter. No matter what Varric it is.

And this one is different than the one he remembers, but he can't quite pinpoint it yet. He doesn't need to worry about it for now, he trusts he will tell him. Talking is something he is very good for.]

Varric! Was it a very long walk to get here?

Not too long. Took the EN-Line for most of it. Beats the hell out of walking all the way through the Hinterlands, right?

[He laughed at his own joke, as he was wont to do. With the laugh came a considerable amount of relief. Meeting with Solas had, naturally, been tense, considering all he had learned from Lavellan. And the elf was so caught up in "not being 'his' Lavellan," that it was impossible to really relax. Not that Varric ever gave two shits about these different worlds.

Lavellan was Lavellan, even if this Lavellan was a man. Hawke was Hawke, even if one was Garrett and one was Marian. And Cole? Cole would always be Cole.]

I didn't keep you waiting too long, did I?

['En-line' makes little sparks pop in the back of his head. Something else he knows he heard recently but still doesn't quite understand. But if Varric took it instead of walking... maybe it was a wagon? A big wagon. Or big-for-a-dwarf-wagon, anyway.

No matter. The confusion is a little blip of light in comparison to the sun-glow of his happiness.]

No. Well. I could have known you were here sooner. Unless... did you arrive here after me?

[Cole's question netted a rather guilty look on Varric's part. The boy could have known, but it wasn't as if the dwarf had made it all that easy to figure out. Varric had effectively gone underground. "Writing" had been his excuse, but the truth was that someone needed to keep their nose clean, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be the rest of his companions.

That left him to be the one to fall off the surface of the planet. He couldn't say he regretted it, but he knew he had missed important things in the meanwhile. Things like this.]

Not quite, kid. I've been here since the first outsiders arrived. Six months now, I think?

[Six months sounds the same as six days as six years. He judges by Varric's tone instead, the way he can't quite seem to remember the days he no longer counted. Cole's head jitters from side to side, his questions bouncing around his skull before he picks the one to let free.]

Has there been another me? Or another you?

[He wonders if the other him would be like him. Would he still wear the same hat? Would his eyes still be blue?]

As far as I know? I'm the only me that's been here.

[Varric had hoped this particular question wouldn't come up. Explaining the discrepancies between their homes was a difficult task. Highlighting them when he spoke to Lavellan had resulted in a massive rift that they had yet to overcome.

Varric had just gotten Cole back. The risk worried him.]

There... might be another you. Hard to say. Hawke and I come from the same place, but Solas and Lavellan don't. I don't know about you.

[Varric looked down at his hands, wishing he'd opted against wearing his gloves. Then he might be able to distract himself with the dirt beneath his nails. Cole was more of an enigma than Neriel was. There was no way Varric himself could know the stance that the young rogue would take.]

Not here though. You're the first I've seen, kid.

If there was another me, what would he be like? Would he have also decided to become more me instead of letting go of a me? How would he feel standing here with you in this place? [The questions burble freely from his mouth, hardly a pause between them for Varric to get in an answer. Answering wasn't the point of them. They just needed out. But ah! He remembers his very important theory that neither Solas or Neriel had confirmed for him yet. Perhaps Varric would know. He seemed to know things that Solas did not.]

Lavellan isn't from where I am. My Lavellan is a Trevelyan. A lot of the memories are the same... Inquisitors must be a type of person, like a spirit.

I think it can go either way, Cole.

[Much to his chagrin, the boy was picking up on all of the differences between Lavellan and Varric. It was hard to forget Neriel's reaction to his tirade over Solas, how angry he had been when the elf had tried to convince Cole to give up his humanity.]

I don't know how that other you would feel, though. I'd hope he'd still like me, no matter what he was. I know I would still like him.

[That much was true. He didn't know what Cole would be like, if he sacrificed his humanity. But it was his decision in the end, and Varric would respect it, just as he respected the choices of all of his allies.

Most of his allies. Anders was a pretty stark exception to the rule.]

Trevelyan? [Of course Varric recognized the name. Free Marcher nobles and their stories occasionally drifted through Kirkwall.] Shit, kid, you might be onto something. The Hawkes are probably the same way, too.

[Again, the dwarf found his heart aching, his thoughts drifting to Garrett Hawke. They'd only known each other briefly, but Varric still considered the man to be part of his flock.]

[Yes. A Cole would always like a Varric. A Varric would always make things real. Satisfied with the answer, his thoughts settle back down and the listening comes back in. That's when he catches it. It's so soft, he has to push everything else out of his body and his head just to hear. He crouches down, ear angling towards Varric, as if that could somehow help.]

Being here has hurt too. New hurts, new faces to hurt over, old faces to hurt over again... [he brings his fingertips to Varric's shoulder, experimenting with a gesture in comfort. He thinks it helps bridge the gap between selves that creates loneliness. That, or it is just nice to feel the warm.] I am here, and I can help now! It doesn't have to be so hard anymore.

[Despite Varric's mountainous levels of adoration for the boy, he didn't think he'd ever get used to his uncanny listening ability. Instinctively, the dwarf flinched at hearing his own thoughts read aloud, before letting both his shoulders and his gaze drop.

There was no sense in denying it. Cole would know the truth, no matter what, and Varric didn't want to make a habit of even trying to lie to him.

If nothing else, the touch was at least appreciated. The dwarf lifted his own hand, covering Cole's up. They'd hugged, of course, but somehow this felt more real.]

Have you met Hawke, yet? She's... she's something, alright. [And the source of a number of omnipresent fears in the back of his mind. Never mind the ones that stemmed from the rest of his friends, or the resentment some of those seemed to kick up.]

I'm getting distracted, though. I'm happy you're here. But you... don't need to worry about helping me. You should relax.

I haven't met this Hawke. It would be good if it was mine, that would mean she escaped the Fade.

[It had been upsetting to watch the Inquisitor struggle with the decision on who to leave, or that they had to leave anyone in the first place. Things like that were why Cole was glad he wasn't an Inquisitor. Having to choose someone to hurt, knowing that neither deserved it. His heart twists up in his chest. That would just be too much.]

You must be happy she is here. You two are like a good night at Herald's Rest. Safe, warm, I could hear the stories and taste the ale.

[The dwarf flinched visibly. The more he spoke with others, the more it seemed as if Hawke's life being on the line in the fade was a universal constant. It was either that, or he and Cole happened to share their origins. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, either.]

It... isn't that simple. This one, she, uh -- she comes from before all of that. But that is what ends up happening to her. We figured that much out.

[At least the remainder of what the boy had to say served as a substantial distraction. Though he still shifted uneasily, it had more to do with the concept of warm feelings toward Hawke. Things certainly had changed since he'd arrived in Thisavrou.]

It isn't right, a Hawke being without their Varric. Or the other way around.

I should meet her.

[Well. Cole had already met her before, and she had already met him, at least... where he was from. Even if it was the same Hawke, she wouldn't know him yet. And since this Hawke was important to this Varric here, it was important for them to know each other in this world.

Right?

He blinks hard. Somewhere along the line all of those thoughts got into a knot. Better to not confuse it any more. He looks towards the way Varric came, his feet following his eyes in taking a few steps in that direction.]

Is there somewhere here you really like?

You should.

[His thoughts hesitated though. Hawke had a lot on her mind, and while he appreciated what Cole could do, knew that his heart was in the right place, she doubted the woman would take well to his abilities. The last thing he wanted to see his two friends hurting one another.]

You want an honest answer? Home. There's good people there, I get good work done, and... [He scratched as his chin.] I said good people already, but Hawke's there, and that's something more.

I would like to see home.

[Maybe it would be better than the one he had now. He felt... bad... for struggling with carrying what Solas and Neriel were feeling. There was just so much unsaid between them, so much hurt that they had caused and even wanted to cause. Sometimes it made him want to hurt them— which scared him more than anything. When he was a spirit, those kinds of whispers came from things that would destroy his shape. What did they mean now? Could he still be changed?

The question makes him anxious.]

Please take me there. [His appeal to Varric is a little desperate, he's afraid that he might have a reason to say no. He needs to see the good people living with good intentions for each other.]

[That desperation gave Varric pause, made his heart lurch within his chest. There were nearly a thousand questions buzzing in his head, many of which sat eagerly upon both his tongue and lips, waiting for a chance to be spoken. After a moment of consideration, he swallowed them back down, shaking his head as he did.]

Of course, kid. It's not like I'd ever tell you no.

[Things were... messy back home, and he'd have to get permission (lest Cole walk in on an exploding robot or Hawke half-naked. It wouldn't be too difficult, so long as he explained the situation. And if they did take issue? He'd find a way to accomodate Cole. He had to, considering...]

Is everything alright here, Cole?

[It isn't alright. He bites his lip, scrapes his fingers into his thighs until he feels his nails through the leather. It's upsetting because he's carried so much more before than this and now, the sorrow of only two is enough to overwhelm him. To think too it is like this with everything getting quieter. And that also weighs his heart down. Less noise, more overwhelming, but what would happen when he couldn't hear anything at all? How would he help then?

But guilt keeps him quiet for now. It might hurt Solas and Neriel more to know that he was struggling.

He forces his hands to relax, feels not like himself when he says:]

Yes, I am all right. I would like to see your home.

[Did he just lie?]

[Varric wasn't certain that he believed what the young man was saying. He didn't doubt that living with the two elves wasn't easy. While he wasn't sure what sort of state Cole was in -- didn't feel like probing at him or making him feel as if any which way was preferable -- even a normal, unfeeling person was bound to feel the tension between the two.

But Varric didn't know for certain, and wasn't going to point fingers or make accusations that he couldn't back up.]

Alright. My home then. You want to go now, or do something else in the meanwhile?

[There was far more that Varric wanted to do, more questions he wanted to ask, stories to share. Bringing him into his home was bound to distract from their reunion.

But he wouldn't dream of saying no to the boy.]

Edited 2017-07-05 19:47 (UTC)

We don't have to go now.

[He pushes past his upset, focuses instead on the fact that Varric is here and that they both still have those soft places for each other in their hearts and that Varric always makes it easier, doesn't he? Makes the world easier for him to understand.

A little smile forms on his face, he's thinking now of all the great things he knows Varric must have to show him. Varric had a way of knowing all the good places.]

If there is somewhere you would rather go first instead?

[Varric thought about it for a long moment. Going elsewhere would give him time to message the others, let them know he was bringing a guest that might... stick out just a little, and that he'd have their heads if they gave the boy a hard time. On the other hand, the sooner he showed Cole his home, the sooner he could relax knowing that the boy knew where to find him when he needed.

Especially if things weren't going so well in his current abode.]

My place first. Nothing's going anywhere but you should know where I am. Just in case you ever need anything, right?

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because the past is just a good-bye

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