thisavrou_log | (OPEN) - Beneath the make up and behind the smile I'm just a girl

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(OPEN) - Beneath the make up and behind the smile I'm just a girl

Who: J and everyone else!
When: Backdated from 1st of April to 13th. Before the trials + event log ~~because i can~~
Where: J's makeup studio + bar !
What: Catch all log for this month
Warnings: Some out-dated slurs? Closed thread with Sans contains talk about the past sexual abuse and death. Will update if/when needed!

Make up

At first, way back on the January, J had only eye rolled at the job that the captains had assigned to her. Sure, go ahead and give the nelly a makeup studio, of course she'll know what to do. But it hadn't taken long from her to see the bright sides of the job. Really, having a roomful of beauty products had pretty sweet perks. The equipment they had first given to her hadn't been too great, but thanks to their stops at Eris and Emiri, she has been able to gather and add more products and items to it. Plus, she was rather lucky not to have that many customers, so her working hours were very flexible, making it possible for her to come and go just as she pleased-- which suited her better than well.

However, despite being more interested in playing hooky than keeping the shop open for potential customers, it's not too rare to find J loitering around her workshop. After all, it was perfect place for her to go and hide whenever she needed some privacy (somewhat a rarity nowadays that she has to share her bedroom with three other people). And it was good to at least let the captains think that she's doing her job.

The door's always closed but one can always tell whether she's in or not from the jazz music, more specifically: music by Marilyn Monroe -- her often singing along with it, that keeps playing whenever she's present. If someone were to open the door, they'd find J either laying on the couch while reading different kind of magazines that she's collected from the library, or then fixing her own make up.

BAR

While J loves her little 'beauty salon', and wouldn't want to trade it for anything, there was no denying that she was in her true element when working at the bar. She had been only little over 14 years old when she had gotten her first job at the shady, local pub near her school, where she had used to sneak in secret from the teachers and rest of the school staff. The only downside to this job was that it's not nearly as easy just to ditch the work now that she has a co-worker, who's more than strict when it comes to showing up to shifts.

Oh well. Good thing that she loves this job and while she's not exactly the best bartender around, as it's her first time working on this side of the counter, but at least she has some kind of clue what to do. Although, that still doesn't mean that J takes this job too seriously either. As she can most of time be found poking her MID, playing certain romance game in it, not caring whether it was a busy night or not.

She's also rather lenient about giving alcohol to people who haven't reached the legal drinking age because hey. She started using alcohol at age of 14 and she's not one to deny it from other kids.

WILDCARD!:

create your own adventures!

[prose and action tags are both welcomed!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Most of nights were peaceful for J. She's gotten used to her room at Nomo Deck, along with the people she's sharing it with, and has started to associate it with a word 'home', even though she never dared to voice it out loud.

Of course, there were bad nights too. Sometimes she had nightmares that woke her up in middle of the night, which wasn't too uncommon for her, but even then she usually had no problems with falling back to asleep, forgetting any details of the dream. But then there were night's of terror, in which she was captured in her dream by the monsters from the past and forced to live through her previous horrors.

But unfortunately, this was one of those nights.

At first it's hardly noticeable, J's only crying softly in her sleep. But then she starts moving around, body jerking restlessly and her cries turn more loud. Her movements quickly grow more violent and panicked, whimpers and messy words escaping from her lips between the sobs: 'No. Mother. Don't kill.'

Inside of her dream J was lying on the floor on her back. It's so dark that she can't tell her surroundings apart. She tries to get up but can't, almost as if there's something on top of her, pinning her down and making it difficult to breathe. After struggling underneath the weight for a bit, J manages to lift her arms and lets them wander around the big, heavy lump. The more she touches and feels, the more did the lump start to remind her from the human body. Holding her breath, she squints her eyes trying to see just who it was-- only to be greeted by her father's pale face and dead, empty eyes. Just as she reaches to cup her father's face, there's a loud and violent bang that echoes around the room. Her father's body falls apart and then J sees her mother. She's standing in front of her, holding a gun that's pointed right towards at her.

Please mother! Don't kill me!

The floor disappears from beneath her, turning into dark sea and J starts to flail desperately, trying to get back to the surface that isn't even there.

But then she feels a hand on her shoulder, pulling her down, tearing her apart, shaking her-- making her to wake up with a a loud cry.]

Edited 2016-04-16 01:12 (UTC)

[They were a rag-tag bunch here in Nomo Deck, Room #14. The room was one of Sans' favorites on the ship, and not just because it contained a bed. J, Ryan, and Med'an were there -- friendly, very familiar faces. Sometimes too familiar, but that's what came with four people in a room that felt cramped when it was just him and J.

J...

She was a real fire cracker, that one. Sans didn't mind that one bit, of course. It made up for his own slow burn. He could catch a nap while she rained hell upon anyone and everything that crossed her path. His own innate feelings of protectiveness barely needed acting on -- she took care of herself and then some.

Most of the time, anyway.

Sans could sleep through a brass band playing a receiving line through Nomo Deck, but the soft sounds? The sounds of experiments he was supposed to be attending bubbling over, the cries of a much younger Papyrus, the whine of television static once MTT's show went off the air? Those woke him like a slap across the face.

The same could be said of the low, fervent mutterings of a friend.]

J...? [He asked, voice weighed down by hesitance and lingering sleep.] J, you okay?

[Don't kill...]

J? [A little firmer now, Sans slide one foot out of bed. It clacked against the wood floor, but Sans willed himself to make the journey silently across the room to J's bed. No need to drag Med'an and Ryan into this, not if he could calm her down and get her back to a more restful sleep without anyone being the wiser. J was a lot of things, and prideful topped the list.

Not that Sans blames her. He doesn't like people knowing about his nightmares, either.]

J, you're having a nightmare. [He muttered, laying a hand on her shoulder, hoping it's enough to bring her back. When Papyrus was small, sometimes all it took was a few kind words to settle him again. He didn't even wake up half the time. Maybe J was the same...?] You're okay, kid, you're safe. Ease up.

[Of course, then the don't kill me starts, and Sans' gentle hand hold goes to shaking. Screw not waking her up. Whatever nightmare she's living, she doesn't need to live another second of it.]

J. [And there it comes, the scream. Sans ducks a head over his shoulder, looking to see if their other roommates stirred. There's the creak of someone rolling over in their sleep, but nothing more. Satisfied, Sans turns back to J with a tired smile.] Hey, kid. I think you might've had a bad dream.

Edited 2016-04-23 06:16 (UTC)

[At first J just pants out heavily, her chest rising and falling slowly and oppressing movements, almost as if she was still struggling to catch her breath underneath a suffocating weight. Her whole body is shaking, covered up with a cold sweat, making her skin unpleasantly clammy.

She stares Sans with a bewildered eyes as the reality catches up with her. A nightmare.]

I aa-- [Shivering like a leaf, she lets out a quiet whine, incapable of forming coherent words. J knows that it was a nightmare. She's now on Moira, not in New York, school, orphanage or in her parents living room. None of what she just saw was real (even though it all was!) but she still couldn't shake off the awful, crippling feeling of the fear.

But as she keeps looking into Sans' hollow eye sockets she's hit by the awful sense of shame. She feels shame and embarrassment that he got to see her like this. Then the room began to feel too hot and cramped, like she couldn't breathe.

With one agile leap J's off from her bed. She quickly grabs the dressing gown from the chair and pulls it on, storming out of the door before Sans can stop her.]

[Reflexively, Sans dodges out of the way of her quick movements, getting a prime view of her as she runs out of the room.]

Damnit.

[When Sans follows someone, it's never to intervene. That's not his style. If someone wants his advice, they have ways of showing it. And, usually, that does not involve running from him.

J was never particularly usual, though.

Sans doesn't chase her down -- it's not something he feels she'd appreciate. Still, he follows. She'll slow down eventually. No one can run forever, and Sans is nothing if not patient... especially when worried.]

[She doesn't get far. J makes it to the end of Nomo Deck's hallway, reaching to the elevator when realization that she has nowhere to go. The ship's crew was so big now that the chances finding a quiet and empty place was practically impossible task. And she couldn't bear to be around with others right now, the idea of having people to look at her and see her devastated state felt simply terrifying and humiliating.

She should calm down and go back to her room and try to fall asleep again. Maybe she could still go back there and save her face without having to make a big deal out of some dream.

But for some reason, she couldn't force herself to move and turn back. There was something about the room that made her stomach twist and turn from the fear-- causing her to shiver. So, she wraps her arms around her chest, hugging herself both for warmth and comfort, and rests her head against the wall next to her, staring at the closed elevator doors in front of her.]

[Well, that's as much of a stop as any. Sans approaches quietly, not yet entirely convinced this is the right idea. He's comfortable with being wrong when it's just him on the line, but other people's feelings makes it murky.]

...J? What's up, sweetheart?

[Sans' voice doesn't come unexpected. After all, she had stormed off from the room in a rather drastic manner, without saying anything to him even though he's the one who woke her up. So, it's not entirely surprising that he came to look for her. She's starting to suspect that he's keeping eye on her doings more than he admits.

Her head drops, chin touching the collar bone, and she closes her eyes as her shoulders tenses up.
She stays quiet for over a minute, trying to come up with an answer. It's very tempting to say that it's nothing and ask him to leave her alone.

'Sweetheart.' It's the second time he's called her that. Last time was when she had cried and hugged him after he came back from the cryochamber. And she was feeling like crying here, too. ]

Did.. Did I wake you up? [She asks with a hoarse whisper, hiding another question behind her words: did I say something?]

Edited 2016-04-25 23:10 (UTC)

You know me, kid, I never sleep. [He dismisses, leaning against the wall beside her. A big deal, lots of fuss, those are all things that make Sans' bones rattle if he thinks about them too hard. It's the last thing he'd want if he was in J's shoes, so it's the last thing she'll get from him.]

You hungry?

And here I thought it to be the opposite.

[She keeps another quiet break, not quite sure what to think of his answer. Then she swallows air, forces her voice to come out stronger than before:]

Don't know. Are you?

That's the joke. [He winks, stretching out his arms over his head. His smile holds steady -- as if his jaw would let him do anything else -- but it's quieter than usual.] And I could always eat. It's you I'm worried about.

C'mon. [He decides for them both, nodding for her to follow.] I know a shortcut to the mess storeroom. Y'know, where Loki keeps all the good shit.

Wanna come?

[J opens her eyes and turns her head to take a look at him, attempting to keep her own expression as neutral as possible-- wanting to hide the devastation away. Then, with slow and uneasy movements, she straightens herself and follows him.

While eating something could do her some good, even though she's not completely sure if she's able to keep anything down at this state, it's not the reason why she decides to come with him. It's the promise of a quiet and isolated room that makes her to take up on his offer.]

[Upon taking her first step in his direction, J would feel the sensation of falling -- not off a cliff, no, but that peculiar sensation when one overestimates how many steps there are at the top of the stair. When her foot does hit solid ground again, their surroundings are replaced by the shelf lined walls of the mess pantry.

Sans, for his part, is already elbow deep in one of the bins.]

Here. [He hands her a chunk of something dark and heavy.] That's bitter chocolate. It'll settle your nerves.

[A silent, surprised whine gets caught in J's throat as she's suddenly hit with the abrupt sense of falling, first believing to have taken misstep. Out of reflex, she flings her arm to her side, attempting to take support from the wall so that her face wouldn't end up hitting the floor.

But then it was over just as soon as it had started. Feeling a little disoriented, J blinks her eyes few times and runs her hand through her curls, breathing out heavily.]

You know that night eating makes you fat. [She hums to Sans but still accepts the offered chocolate, sitting on top of the closest box.]

I'm already fat. [Sans explains simply, taking another chunk of chocolate for himself before settling beside her.] I chalk-a-lot of it up to living well.

[He winks, giving her a quiet nudge. Silence reigns after from him, quietly nibbling his chocolate and staring thoughtfully at nothing at all.

It's a few moments before he speaks again, voice casual. As if he's addressing something that happened to someone else entirely.]

So what happened up there?

[Like always, the joke doesn't get any reaction from her. J bites down on the chocolate, taking a big chunk of it to her mouth. It might not be the most dignified manner to eat but it's not like Sans' cares.

She chews the chocolate, enjoying from the silent and still moment between them, the fear from earlier slowly calming down. There's something about Sans' company that she finds soothing and comforting.

When he speaks again J's chewing slows down for a bit, thinking about the question and how to answer.Giving him a small shrug, she swallows the last pieces of the chocolate and sighs.]

A nightmare. [She keeps her voice distant as she speaks and shoves the last pieces of the chocolate into her mouth.] About something that happened a long time ago.

Edited 2016-04-27 10:16 (UTC)

Oh yeah? I get those sometimes. [Sans tears off another hunk of his own chocolate. Where it goes is anyone's guess, but smart money's on somewhere down his uniform pant leg. His tone remains casual, despite all odds.] What're yours about?

[She's stopped questioning how does the Skeleton anatomy worked a long time ago. Just like she's done with... pretty much everything on Moira. It's just easier to accept that's how things are.

There's another quiet pause when she just eats the chocolate.]

I heard there were no other skeletons back at your place. Didn't you guys have parents or family?

[Evasion isn't that hard to spot when you use it daily yourself, but something about this line of questioning makes Sans wonder if it's leading somewhere.

Regardless, J will give answers when she wants to and not a second earlier -- of that, Sans is certain. Playing along is the least he can do.]

We probably came from somewhere, but wherever it was stopped being a thing a long time ago. It's always been just me and Pap, for as long as I can remember.

[Now there was something in his answer that hit close to home with her: the isolation, being part of the crowd yet sticking out like a sore thumb. She knows that Sans and Papyrus are pretty well liked on Moira it's still not the same as being with someone who's like you-- someone who'll really understand you.]

How come you guys are extinct? Don't bone anymore? [She says with a distant voice, making the attempted joke come out flat.]

[She's trying. It earns her a smile at the very least, though those aren't exactly rare when it comes to him.]

Probably has more to do with humans not liking us very much. [Sans explains, keeping his tone light despite the subject matter.] Being different's a bitch, huh?

[It doesn't take a genius to guess that J might be able to relate.]

It's not like we like anyone, not even ourselves. Back home there's this war that's going on in another country but there's still lot of guys from my place that are just dying to volunteer to go there. [J can't really claim that she understands the conflict and whatever's going on in Vietnam but it really goes over her head that there are so many young men eager to go there. There's a brief memory of the friend she used to have not too many years ago, the troublemaking young man who tried to volunteer just to rebel against his family-- all prepared to die in the battlefield.

She licks the melted chocolate off from her fingers, really wishing now that she'd have more it. Or something else to keep her mouth busy.]

But you know. It's not like we need wars to kill others. Those who are different.

Don't I know it. [Sans manages, vaguely, eye lights dimming at the memory. He wishes he had more chocolate, too. Or a drink.

But the moment is fleeting, replaced by something much warmer. Dwelling on what can't be undone isn't why Sans brought J here. At least, not directly.]

How about you, you got family?

[Ah. There it is. The question that she had been anxious (and maybe even hopeful) to hear.]

No. [She says without a hesitation. The short and sweet answer that she always gave to those few who asked about her family. It's always difficult to talk about family with anyone else, as she had been alone for so long and distanced herself away from the concept of it that even the whole word felt alien to her.

However, no matter how much she lied to others, and herself, that she's fine with things as they are, deep down she missed her parents ever so horribly. She misses the content and safety that her mother's strict and unyielding faith in God brought. She misses father's warm, loving and understanding smiles and kisses on forehead. She missed them so much that it made her sick in her stomach. But all those feelings have been hidden and bottle up for time that feels like an eternity to her, that the thought of opening the lid scares her because she's not sure if she can keep them all from pouring out.]

My dad's dead. [She continues after a heavy pause, eyes focusing now on her knees.] Mom is--- I don't even know. Probably still at the hospital.

[There's no outward reaction from Sans outside a nod, processing that information against all he already knows about J. It doesn't fill in the whole puzzle, not by a long shot, but a few gaps are starting to fill in.

If there's one thing monsters love, after all, it's a puzzle.]

You close with her?

[Her lack of knowledge on her mom's whereabouts said no, but Sans was never one to assume. People had all sorts of reasons for keeping their distance.]

Hah! Not really. I was always more like a daddy's little girl than mom's darling little boy.

[She attempts to laugh but her voice falls flat, coming out as hollow and forced. There had always been this invisible wall between her and mother, as she could never quite see the same as father did. And who knows, maybe that's why things ended up the way they did.]

She shot him and lost her. Police took her away and said that they were taking her to get treatment somewhere faraway.

closed to sans | cw: mentions of past abuse + ptsd

i'm so sorry this took me so long what a crying shame on my part

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